Épisode Un feu si ardent S03E18 - Desperate Housewives Saison 3

MIKE'S HOUSE

Carlos and Edie are lying in bed, backs to each other, obviously naked underneath the sheets

Mary Alice: "Edie Britt had always thought of herself as passionate. Aggressively...relentlessly...violently passionate. Carlos Solis had always thought of himself as passionate. Romantically...spontaneously...constantly passionate. So it was natural for Edie and Carlos to assume that if they ever had sex, it would be amazing. And, in fact, it was amazingly bad."

They turn over and face each other

Edie: "Morning."

Carlos: "Morning."

Edie: "So, uh, last night...wow."

Carlos: "Yeah, I know. Super wow.

Edie: "Is that clock right?"

Carlos: "Oh, man, I gotta get  work."

Edie: "Yeah! I gotta get home."

Carlos: "So, uh...oh, we should do this again."

Edie: "Oh, definitely. Yeah, this week doesn't seem to be that great. Maybe..."

Carlos: "Next week, I'm swamped."

Edie: "Well, we'll figure something out."

It was at that moment Eddie and Carlos had the exact same thought..

Edie: "Thank you."

Carlos: "Thank you."

Mary Alice: "They would definitely be having sex again...just not with each other."

OPENING CREDITS

Mary Alice: "It's so easy to spot the lonely ones..."

Ida Greenburg talks to the plant she's trimming

Ida: "It wasn't the first time..."

Mary Alice: "They're the people who tell stories to their plants..."

Kayla whispers into the Scavo dog's ear

Kayla: "I kind of like him."

Mary Alice: "...and whisper secrets to their pets..."

Kayla: "...ask him to be my boyfriend if he wants."

Mary Alice: "...and have arguments with their TV..."

A man slouches in his easy chair, watching TV

Man: "Get him off the court! He was runing like his feet are made out of lead!"

Mary Alice: "...and the loneliest of all are the ones who talk to people..."

MRS. MCCLUSKEY'S HOUSE

Mrs. McCluskey is in her basement, holding onto a portable phone

Mrs. McCluskey: "Do you know what I think, Gilbert?"

Mary Alice: "People who are no longer there."

Mrs. McCluskey looks over at a framed photograph of her husband, Gilbert, and herself

Mrs. McCluskey: "Phone's gonna ring any second. It's gonna be Lynette begging me to come over early. Did I tell you that Tom had surgery on his back last week? That idiot's flat on his ass while Lynette brings home the bacon again. Eh, I shouldn't judge. Plenty of people didn't get what I saw in you. I won't name names...my sister Gayle. I always told her that beneath all the name-calling and the dish-throwing, we really loved each other."

She reaches into a freezer and pulls out a popsicle. The phone rings

Mrs. McCluskey: "Betcha fifty bucks it's Lynette. Hello?"

She smiles and looks upward

Mrs. McCluskey: "You lose, Gilbert. What's up?"

LYNETTE'S HOUSE

Lynette is on the phone with Mrs. McCluskey, rushing around the house

Lynette: "I have to get to the restaurant early. Is there any you could come over and get the kids off to school?" (to the twins) "Hey, why am I seeing pajamas? Get dressed!" (into the phone) "Yeah, they are ready to go. So what do you say? Oh, great! Thanks. I owe you big-time. Okay, bye."

Lynette hangs up and walks into the dining room, where Tom is lying propped up on a hospital bed

Lynette: "All right, I am heading out of here. Wish me luck."

Tom: "More interviews this morning?"

Lynette: "Yeah, but don't worry. I am gonna find you the assistant manager of your dreams."

Tom: "Are you sure? Because the last ten résumés you showed me..."

Lynette: "Yeah, I know, I know. Bottom of the barrel, convicts and losers. You were clear about that last night."

Tom: "And make sure that they really know how to wrangle the employees. Like Kim...she never buses her tables."

Lynette: "I'm the one that told you that."

Tom: "Oh. Yeah, right. Hey, honey, I had an idea about the specials for today. I was thinking goat cheese and mushrooms."

Lynette: "Oh, for God sake, Tom! I'm gonna be late for this interview. I really should go."

Tom: "Honey, I'm sorry. I know I am driving you crazy."

Lynette: "No."

Tom: "It's just that I'm feeling so guilty laying here, totally worthless, While you run the restaurant and the house."

Lynette: "It's okay. I am gonna find a way to make this all work and you just get better."

The doorbell rings

Lynette: "Mrs. McCluskey. Perfect timing."

Tom: "Hey, make sure you have your cell phone with you.  Then while you're interviewing, I'll call, you can conference me in."

Lynette: "That is a great idea!"

She picks up the portable phone and then answers the door

Mrs. McCluskey: "Hi!"

Lynette: "Hi."

Lynette shows Mrs. McCluskey the phone

Lynette: "At some point, Tom's gonna ask you to look for this. You will not find it."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Great."

Lynette: "Love you!"

EDIE'S HOUSE

Edie is sitting on the couch and Travers hands her a glass with beer in it

Travers: "Here's your beer."

Edie: "Oh! Good job, chipmunk. No foam this time."

Travers: "I tipped the glass just like you told me to."

Edie: "I think someone's ready to salt his first margarita glass."

Travers: "Mommy, do you have trouble going to sleep?"

Edie: "No. Why do you ask?"

Travers: "'Cause I heard Carlos say you were bad in bed."

Edie: "What?! Why'd he say that?"

Travers: "Do you have nightmares?"

Edie: "Okay, sweetie, I need you to focus. What exactly did Carlos say, and who did he say it to?"

Travers: "I went to get my soccer ball from his yard. He was on the one talking to someone. So what does "bad in bed" mean?"

Edie: "Well, it means that you're not good at making...your bed. And mommy doesn't like people saying she can't make a bed because... trust me, nobody makes a bed as good as your mommy."

Travers: "If you want, I can tell people you're good in bed."

Edie: "That's fine, sweetie. Uh, if you want to help mommy, just, um...top off her breakfast."

FARMER'S MARKET

Ian is picking through an orange stand while on his cell phone

Ian: "Susan, I'm, uh, by the orange stand. Where are you? The cheese stand? No, I don't mind you going back for free samples. But if you like it so much, why don't you just buy some? Yeah, of course, you're right. It always tastes better when it's free. Okay, then please hurry."

He hangs up and notices that Mike has come up next to him and is looking through the oranges, too

Ian: "Hello."

Mike: "Hey."

Ian: "Boy, you're everywhere these days."

Mike: "Excuse me?"

Ian: "Well, yesterday, Susan and I ran into you at the post office. Last week, the movies. One might think you're following us."

Mike: "Trust me, one has better things to do than follow you around."

Ian: "And yet here you are... again."

Mike: "Ian, Fairview's a small town. You want distance? Move to the city."

SUSAN'S CAR

Susan is driving home with Ian in the passenger's seat

Susan: "You've been awfully quiet since we left the market. Is everything okay?"

Ian: "Um, well, since you ask, I'm having some problems at work."

Susan: "Really?"

Ian: "Yes, we're in the midst of some corporate restructuring. I'm gonna have to spend more time in London."

Susan: "Oh. Okay."

Ian: "And I was thinking, maybe you and I should just...relocate."

Susan: "To London? Permanently?"

Ian: "I know it's sudden, but..."

Susan: "Yeah, it's sudden. My whole life is here. I mean, my friends. You know, Julie is still in school..."

Ian: "Susan!"

He points to the road where a deer is standing in front of them. Susan gasps and swerves to avoid the deer. The car drives off the road and flips upside down into a lake

LAKE

Susan and Ian manage to get out of the car and they stay above water by holding onto the sinking car

Susan: "Oh, my God. Are you okay?"

Ian: "I'm fine. I'm fine."

Susan: "I can feel the car sinking. We're gonna have to get to shore."

Ian: "How deep do you think this water is?"

Susan: "Deep enough. Come on! Let's move!"

Ian: "I can't swim."

Susan: "What?! You said you played water polo!"

Ian: "I said polo with horses!"

Susan: "How can you not know how to swim? Didn't you go to summer camp?"

Ian: "I stayed in the canoe. Let it go!"

Susan: "Okay, don't panic. Just grab onto my neck, and I'll swim for the both of us."

Ian: "I'm twice your size. We might drown. Let's just stay here and think of something else."

Susan: "If you stay here, you'll definitely drown. You see how my plan is better?"

On the road, Mike drives by. He stops his car, gets out of the car, and removes his shirt, preparing to jump in

Susan: "Look, there's somebody on the shore! It's Mike! He's here."

Ian: "Of course he is."

Later, Mike is pulling Ian to shore while Susan swims next to them. When they reach land, Ian pulls away

Ian: "I can walk from here!"

Mike: "Sorry. You were just gripping me so tight."

Susan: "Oh, my God. Mike, you saved our lives."

Mike pulls out a bundle of cheese from his pocket

Susan: "And our cheese! Ian, can you believe it? Mike saved our cheese!"

Ian: "Yes, he's...he's quite the hero."

Mike: "Good thing I was following you."

SCAVO RESTAURANT

Lynette escorts a potential assistant manager out of the restaurant

Lynette: "Arnie, thanks for coming in. We will definitely keep you in mind."

Andrew: "Come on. What was wrong with that guy?"

Lynette: "He kept asking what we do with the food people don't eat."

Andrew: "All right, so he's a fat loser. I mean, who'd you expect to get for eight fifty an hour?"

Lynette: "Well, that's what we pay you, and you seem happy enough."

Andrew: "That's because I'm doing the beer delivery guy."

Lynette: "My fault for asking."

She goes over to the bar where more applicants are waiting

Lynette: "Rick Coletti?"

Rick: "That's me."

Lynette: "Great. Come on over. Your application?"

Rick: "One second."

He picks up a piece of chalk next to the mini chalkboard advertising the day's specials and adds an "E" to the end of "Calzon."

Rick: "That's been bothering me. Sorry."

Lynette: "No. It's great you can spell. You are now officially the front-runner."

Rick: "Yeah, my, uh, grandma came over from naples. I've been making calzones since before you were born."

Lynette: "How old do you think I am?"

Rick: "Thirty? Thirty-one?"

Lynette: "Not afraid to shamelessly ass kiss. You are doing very well."

Rick: "Great, you wanna skip ahead to the part where you hire me?"

Lynette: "Well, I should probably take a look at your application first. Okay, don't be afraid if you don't have a ton of experience. I realize for what we're paying, we're not exactly gonna get a...you were a sous-chef at Cucina? That's a five-star restaurant."

Rick: "Actually four."

Lynette: "Which is four more than we have."

Rick: "Yeah, but this place his character and charm, and...a beautiful owner."

Lynette: "But seriously, why would a four-star chef wanna slum at a pizza joint?"

LYNETTE'S HOUSE

Tom is lying in his hospital bed

Tom: "Mrs. McCluskey!"

Mrs. McCluskey: "I'm right here! Keep your shirt on."

Tom: "I need another pill. And please, tell the kids to turn down the TV."

Mrs. McCluskey: "I yell, they turn it down. I walk away, they turn it up. Vicious circle."

Tom: "Surely you can control five little kids."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Can I beat 'em?"

Tom: "No."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Then my hands are tied."

Lynette comes home

Lynette: "Hi! I'm home! And I've got good news. I found a new manager."

Tom: "That's terrific."

Lynette: "Yeah, his name is Rick Coletti, And he was a sous-chef at Cucina."

Tom: "Cucina? Why does he wanna work at our place?"

Lynette: "Yeah, I had that exact same thought. And to be honest, he has a history."

Tom: "History?"

Lynette: "You know how stressful it is working in a four-star restaurant, and he, like many chefs, started using cocaine just to stay ahead..."

Tom: "No way."

Lynette: "Clean for almost a year."

Tom: "We're not the Betty Ford clinic!"

Lynette: "No, I know, but I've got a really good feeling about this guy, And all he wants is a fresh start."

Tom: "I am not gonna hire a junkie who's gonna turn around and...and then hock our jukebox just to feed his habit. Here, go find somebody else."

Lynette: "I can't find somebody else. I've interviewed fifty guys and this junkie happens to be the best of the bunch. Seriously, Tom, I don't know how much longer I..."

Tom: "Please, can we just talk about this later? I'm in a lot of pain right now."

Lynette: "I'm sorry."

Tom: "Please, just do what I am asking."

Lynette: "Fine. I'll, uh, keep looking."

OUTSIDE GABRIELLE'S HOUSE

Gabrielle and Victor walk slowly up the porch steps to the front door

Gabrielle: "I had such a good time tonight. Who knew you could dance?"

Victor: "It's of my many talents. I'll tell you what. You invite me in for a drink, I'll show you another one."

Gabrielle: "Not tonight, thanks."

Victor: "So you would tango with a mad and then not he sex with him? You know that's actually against the law in Argentina. Come on. We both know it's gonna happen eventually."

Gabrielle: "And every time you say that, eventually gets a little further away. Stop begging, or I'm not going to your rally tomorrow."

Victor: "Fine. I can be patient. As far as I'm concerned, the chase is half the fun."

Gabrielle: "Half the fun? Oh, honey, if I ever do say yes...you're gonna adjust that percentage way down."

SUSAN'S HOUSE

Susan is eating from a plate of cheese and fruit while lying in bed. Ian comes over

Ian: "You can't possibly be eating more cheese."

Susan: "What, you've never heard of a midnight snack? Unless you can think of something else that I can nibble on."

Ian: "Slide over, you cheddar-breath tease."

They begin to kiss and Ian notices a gift bag with a thank you card attached to it

Ian: "Oh, what's that?"

Susan: "It's a thank you gift for Mike."

Ian: "Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't we already thank him at the shore, And again when he dropped us off at home?"

Susan: "I don't think you can really thank somebody too many times For saving your life."

Ian: "I wish you'd stop saying that."

Susan: "Saying what?"

Ian: "That he saved my life. I'm fairly certain I could've survived without his help. And if anyone did any lifesaving, it was me."

Susan: "You?"

Ian: "Yes. If hadn't warned you about the deer, It would've gone straight through the windshield, And you would've ended up with an antler through your brain."

Susan: "Okay, that's a good point."

Ian: "Thank you."

Susan: "But we were in a bit of a jam there, and...I don't think you should be embarrassed for needing a little help."

Ian: "I'm not embarrassed, and I don't feel emasculated, either."

Susan: "Emasculated? Who said emasculated? And why are you not kissing me now?"

Ian: "I'm ready when you are."

They begin to kiss. Ian catches sight of the bag again and aggressively rolls Susan over, pinning her to the bed. He begins kissing her more passionately

Susan: "I guess we're gonna cut right to the..."

Later, Ian and Susan are sitting up in bed, not touching

Susan: "Don't worry. Happens to everybody. Maybe it would help to talk about it."

Ian: "No. I don't want to talk about it."

Susan: "All right. We won't talk about it. Want some cheese?"

OUTSIDE MIKE'S HOUSE - NIGHTTIME

Carlos is getting out of his car when Edie comes storming up to him

Carlos: "Hey, how are you?"

Edie: "I'm good. Well, you might not think so, but... I am good. Where in the hell do you get off telling people that I am bad in bed?!"

Carlos: "I never said that!"

Edie: "Travers heard you on the phone!"

Carlos: "Okay, I'm sorry. I was talking to my cousin in Tucson and we always trade bad date stories."

Edie: "And to think that I went out of my way to spare your feelings!"

Carlos: "What's that supposed to mean?"

Edie: "You think you were bored? I've had more thrills leaning up against my dryer."

Carlos: "Then what was all that moaning?"

Edie: "I was in pain! You were smashing my breasts!"

Carlos: "Oh, come on!"

Edie: "You hunkered down on top of me like you were hiding from the border patrol."

Carlos: "I was tired. You just laid there while I did all the work. When we were done, I felt like I should deflate you."

Edie: "Well, sex is like tennis. When you play an inferior opponent, your game suffers."

Carlos: "Are you challenging me to a rematch?"

Edie: "Maybe."

Carlos: "So you wanna do it again?"

Edie: "If it'll shut you up...I'll fall on that grenade."

Carlos: "There's gonna be an explosion. Come on."

They grab at each other and begin kissing. Once inside the house, Edie pushes Carlos against the refrigerator. A pepper shaker falls on his head and he winces. He grabs Edie and swipes the dishes off of the table, then throws her down on top of it. She cries out and then removes a fork that she landed on

HOSPITAL

Edie and Carlos sit on separate examining tables while a doctor finishes writing out a prescription

Doctor: "I'm prescribing a mild painkiller for your back and I will see you in a week to remove those stitches."

Carlos: "Great."

Doctor: "So...how'd you folks get so banged up? Car accident?"

Edie: "Bad sex."

Carlos: "Really bad."

The doctor hands Edie the prescription and leaves the room

Edie: "Thanks."

Carlos: "God, what a disaster."

Edie: "Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's for the best."

Carlos: "How so?"

Edie: "We got it out of our system. Now we can go back to being friends. I mean, we like hanging out, and Travers adores you."

Carlos: "Yeah, and I wouldn't wanna ruin that. Still, it doesn't make any sense."

Edie: "Oh, I know. I'm hot. You're hot. On paper, we should be having great sex."

Carlos: "Well, we could always try again."

They look at each other

Carlos: "Yeah, me neither."

CAMPAIGN RALLY

A speaker is introducing Victor to a large crowd of people. Gabrielle sits in the front row, reading a fashion magazine

Speaker: "This town is hungry for change..."

Mary Alice: "When Gabrielle Solis agreed to attend Victor Lang's campaign rally, she was fully prepared to be bored."

Speaker: "I give you the next mayor of Fairview--"

Mary Alice: "But when Victor took the stage, Gabrielle found herself strangely enthralled. Perhaps it was the cheers that greeted his arrival. Perhaps it was the confidence he exuded. Or perhaps it was the effect he had on the citizens of Fairview. Whatever the reason, Gaby decided not only did Victor Lang have her vote...it was time to make a campaign contribution."

After the rally, Gabrielle pushes her way through a crowd of women who are waiting for Victor to give them autographs

Gabrielle: "Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry. I'm afraid Mr. Lang has to take an important meeting in his limo...now."

She grabs his arm and drags him off to the limo. He gets inside with Gabrielle close behind. He loosens his tie as she begins taking off her clothing

Victor: "To the radio station, Clyde. So what's all this about?"

Gabrielle: "Your speech--I liked it."

Victor: "Seriously, here? Now?"

Gabrielle: "Well, you laid out all your positions. Don't you want to get acquainted with mine?"

Victor: "Clyde, could you put up the partition, please?"

Clyde: "Yes, sir. Anything else?"

Gabrielle: "Music. Loud music."

LYNETTE'S HOUSE

Tom is shouting from his hospital bed

Tom: "Mrs. McCluskey, it has been ten minutes! Where's my pie?!"

Mrs. McCluskey: "I'm unloading the dishwasher. You'll get your damn pie when I'm done."

Tom: "I want my pie now."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Oh, yeah. Yeah, you heard me. Your being here isn't charity."

Tom: "We pay you good money to help us. So when I ask you to do something, I want it done!"

Mrs. McCluskey: "Well, here's a surprise for you..."

SCAVO RESTAURANT

Mrs. McCluskey, with all five kids surrounding her, shows up at the restaurant

Mrs. McCluskey: "...I quit."

Lynette: "What? What? Why? Why? What happened?"

Mrs. McCluskey: "Five kids are tough enough, but your husband makes six, And that's where I draw the line."

Lynette: "Okay, I know that, uh, Tom has been a little cranky lately."

Mrs. McCluskey: "No, I'm cranky. He's insufferable. I hate to admit this, Lynette, but every time that man screams out in pain, I do a little jig inside."

Lynette: "Look, I'll talk to Tom--"

Mrs. McCluskey: "No, my mind's made up."

Lynette: "Wait, wait, wait! Please don't do this. Please. I am at the end of my rope."

Mrs. McCluskey: "I wish I could help you, Lynette. I can see that you're going down, But I'm just too old to get dragged down with you."

She leaves and Lynette notices that her boys are already causing mischief behind the counter

LYNETTE'S HOUSE

Lynette opens the front door and the kids run inside

Lynette: "Okay, everybody, go on up to bed. Parker, you got the baby. Yeah, that's exactly right. You know what to do."

She walks into the dining room where Tom is

Tom: "Before you speak, just know that ever since McCluskey left, I've been lying here feeling like the biggest jerk ever. Tomorrow morning, I am gonna call her and apologize. I will fix this."

Lynette: "Well, you might also want to apologize to the customer who found a Lego in her pizza."

Tom: "Oh, God. Did the kids do that?"

Lynette: "I hope."

Tom: "Oh, God."

Lynette: "It was so awful tonight."

Tom: "Oh, honey. You know what you need?"

Lynette: "What?"

Tom: "A seein' to. Once the kids are asleep, slip on that sexy blue thing And then sneak back down here."

Lynette: "You wanna have sex? But you're immobile."

Tom: "Okay, maybe full-on sex is a little ambitious, but there's other stuff that we could do..."

Lynette: "But you can't bend at the waist, and that pretty much leaves the heavy lifting to me."

Tom: "Trust me, if you get us to the finish line, I will cross it."

Lynette: "Is that why you apologized, just so I'd... service you?"

Tom: "Honey, I have been trapped in this bed all day long. I'm bored. I'm miserable. Can't you do this one little thing for me?"

Lynette: "I have been doing everything I can to keep our heads above water. I can't do you, too."

GABRIELLE'S HOUSE

Gabrielle, over various times, checks her answering machine

Mary Alice: "For Gabrielle, the best part of having sex with a new man was seeing how quickly his affection would turn to obsession."

Answering Machine: "No messages."

Mary Alice: "But when Victor failed to call the next morning..."

Answering Machine: "No messages."

Mary Alice: "Or the next afternoon..."

Answering Machine: "No messages."

Mary Alice: "It was Gabrielle who began obsessing."

Later, Gabrielle and Susan are at Gabrielle's kitchen table, drinking margaritas and eating chips

Gabrielle: "Not a peep. Twenty-four hours."

Susan: "Well, he's busy. Isn't he debating the mayor tonight?"

Gabrielle: "I don't care! He can find two lousy minutes for me."

Edie walks in

Edie: "I'm here! Deal me in."

Gabrielle: "Sorry, no poker today. Lynette had to work. Want a margarita?"

Edie: "Oh, I'd like three, but I'll start with one."

A workman comes into the room

Toby: "Ms. Solis? Sorry to interrupt. You have any water?"

Gabrielle: "Yeah, in the fridge."

Edie: "Who is that?"

Susan: "And why don't you put your water on that lower shelf?"

Toby: "Thank you."

He leaves

Gabrielle: "That's Toby. He's fixing my closet."

Edie: "Has your cocky boyfriend gotten a load of the help?"

Susan: "Move away from that topic."

Gabrielle: "We had sex yesterday in his limo."

Edie: "Ooh, I love limo sex. Town car or stretch?"

Gabrielle: "Well, stretch, of course. I'm not a complete slut. Point is, he hasn't called since."

Edie: "So... how was the sex?"

Gabrielle: "Fantastic. As good as with Carlos."

Edie: "Hmm. That good, huh?"

Gabrielle: "God, I'm such an idiot. I gave it up way too fast. Now I've lost all the power."

Susan: "Oh, come on."

Gabrielle: "No, I'm serious. Our mothers had the right idea. They let men think they were the only ones who needed sex, And women just went along as a favor. Men begged for every crumb, and we never lost the upper hand."

Edie: "Yeah, no guy respects an easy conquest. I make all my men wait."

Susan: "It's true. She has a little room with magazines and an aquarium."

Edie: "I have so missed our friendship."

Susan: "I think if you really like this guy, you should just be honest. You should tell him that you feel a little hurt--"

Edie: "Oh, yeah, whining is really gonna bring him to his knees. You wanna get this guy back in line? You hit him hard, hit him fast. Is he the jealous type?"

Gabrielle: "Aren't they all? So what should I do to make him jealous?"

Toby, the workman, comes in again

Toby: "I got all the shelves up. Anything else?"

Edie and Susan look at Gabrielle with raised eyebrows

MAYORAL DEBATE

The mayor and Victor are each set up at a podium to debate

Mayor: "My opponent thinks we should combat prostitution by mounting surveillance cameras to embarrass the customers. I call that a blatant violation of our citizens' privacy."

Victor: "Mr. Mayor, if you're so worried about privacy, just wear a hat, keep your head down, and you'll be fine."

Debate Official: "Okay, thank you very much, gentlemen. So let's move on to our next subject."

Gabrielle walks into the debate with Toby by her side. She sits down in the front row with him and begins kissing his neck and rubbing his knee. Victor sees it all

Debate Official: "You both have said our citizens pay too much in taxes. How would you attract new business to boost the city's tax base? Mr. Lang?"

Victor: "I'm sorry, would you, uh...uh, repeat the question, please?"

Debate Official: "How would you bring new business to Fairview?"

Victor: "I would, uh...offer tax exemptions to, uh, first-year start-ups."

Mayor: "And that will...increase our tax base?"

Victor: "Uh, no. Of course not. Not at first. But when conjoined with..."

Mayor: "My opponent seems a bit overtaxed himself."

Gabrielle smiles in satisfaction at Victor. She and Toby get up and leave. As they go, Gabrielle takes Toby's hand and places it firmly on her behind

Debate Official: "Gentlemen, there's been much talk lately regarding our local schools. What would you do to improve public education?"

SCAVO RESTAURANT

Lynette brings a pizza out to a table

Lynette: "Here you go. Sorry for the wait."

At another table, a man calls for Lynette's attention

Customer: "Miss! Please?"

Lynette: "I will be right there!"

She turns to go back into the kitchen and runs into Kim, who drops a huge stack of plates. They crash onto the floor

Kim: "Oh, my God! Mrs. Scavo, I am so sorry."

Lynette: "Don't cry. Just clean."

Customer: "Miss, if you could just--"

Lynette: "I swear, I will be there in one second

She brings Kim some towels

Lynette: "Here you go. Here you go."

Rick walks in

Rick: "Let me guess. This a bad time?"

Lynette: "Oh, my God, Rick. I never got back to you. I am so sorry."

Rick: "That's okay. I didn't mind waiting. So long as it's good news for me now."

Lynette: "Look, I think you're great, and we would be lucky to have you. It's just, my husband isn't really comfortable--"

Rick: "With an ex-drug addict in his kitchen. You can drug test me every week. Anything you want. I just... I really need this job."

Customer: "Miss!"

Lynette: "Could you excuse me a second? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What's up?"

Customer: "I hate my calzone."

Lynette: "Oh? What's wrong with it?"

Customer: "It's just not good, and I want a new one."

Lynette: "All right, all right. I will put you order in. But the kitchen's a little backed up."

Customer: "Not my problem. You gave me a sucky calzone. I don't care if you have to get back there and make it yourself!"

Lynette: "I can't do this. It's just..."

She sinks down into a chair and rests her head in her hands

Customer: "What is this?"

Rick comes over

Rick: "I'll make you a new calzone, sir. Uh, fresh basil, garlic...you like sun-Dried tomatoes?"

Customer: "Yeah, sounds good."

Rick: "All right."

Customer: "Is she all right?"

Rick: "Yeah. It's her grandma's calzone recipe. She takes criticism very personally."

He goes to the kitchen

Rick: "Prep some dough for a calzone for me, And, uh, can you get someone to chop some basil?"

Andrew: "Yeah, okay. Who are you?"

Rick: "I'm Rick."

Andrew: "You--You--You work here now?"

Rick looks at Lynette, who nods slightly

Rick: "Looks like I do."

SUSAN'S BEDROOM

Ian is reading in bed when Susan comes in. She's wearing a black negligee and she leans against the doorframe

Ian: "Oh, is that new?"

Susan: "I just bought it. But if you don't like it, feel free to rip it off me."

Ian: "Actually, I have this book proposal to discuss at an eight a.m. meeting, so I-I can't really..."

Susan: "Well, that's okay. You gotta work, you gotta work. So, um...I was thinking about London. Julie's gonna be applying to college as soon, and, um, a year abroad could give her a real boost. So...let's do it."

Ian: "Are you serious?"

Susan: "Yes. I wanna spend time in your world. I wanna play cricket, and I wanna eat crumpets, And I want to use the word ghastly."

He pulls Susan on top of him

Ian: "God, Susan, you have no idea how excited this makes me feel."

Susan: "My thigh's getting an inkling."

Ian: "We'll call a realtor first thing in the morning and put our houses on the market."

Susan: "Not mine, okay? That way, we can use it when we visit."

Ian: "That's what hotels are for, darling."

Susan: "I don't want sell my house. Everybody I love is on this street."

Ian pushes Susan off of him. He picks up his book again and begins to read

Susan: "What happened?"

Ian: "I'm feeling tired."

Susan: "You weren't tired a second ago."

Ian: "I'm not in the mood, all right?"

Susan: "Why not?"

Ian: "You know, I'm not used to being grilled about my sex drive."

Susan: "Well, I'm not used to guys bailing on me in the middle of foreplay."

Ian: "And by guys, of course you mean Mike."

Susan: "What?"

Ian: "Oh, I'm sure good old Mike was ready and able twenty-four seven."

Susan: "You're not actually...okay. That's it...I've had it. Really, I can't have this conversation one more time. I've done nothing but prove my love to you for the last year and you cannot shut up about Mike."

Ian: "I don't trust the man!"

Susan: "Well, you don't have to trust Mike! You have to trust me, and you don't! That's what going to England's about, isn't it? You're just trying to get me away from Mike. Well, you know what? Screw it. I'm not going. And if you ever bring up his name again, we're over. Got it? Over!"

She storms puts on her slippers. She sees the thank you gift on the table, so she picks it up and goes across the street and knocks on Mike's door

MIKE'S HOUSE

Mike answers

Mike: "Hi."

Susan: "This is from me and Ian."

Mike: "An electric juicer."

Susan: "Yeah, well, you know, you try to think of a more appropriate "thank you for saving my life" gift."

Mike: "This works fine for me."

Susan: "Good. I should go."

Mike: "You okay?"

Susan: "I'm good."

Mike: "You sure about that?"

Susan: "Yeah, it's just, um...you know, Ian and I had a had a little...thing."

Mike leans over and kisses her. After several seconds, the kiss ends and Susan goes back to her house

SUSAN'S HOUSE

Ian is in the kitchen waiting for her

Ian: "Hi."

Susan: "Hi. Ian, about what I said--"

Ian: "You were right. You've never given me reason to doubt you. I'm an insecure idiot. I don't deserve you, Susan. But if you'll please keep pretending that I do, I swear I will not utter a single jealous word for the rest of our lives together."

GABRIELLE'S HOUSE

Gabrielle, at various times, checks her answering machine

Answering Machine: "Gaby, it's Victor. What the hell were you thinking?  That little stunt of yours almost cost me the debate."

Answering Machine: "It's me again. Okay, I get it. I forgot to call, and you were mad. But still, you--"

Answering Machine: "Hi. I hope you got the flowers. Again, I am so sorry for not calling--"

Answering Machine: "Gaby, come on. What's it gonna take for you to forgive me? I'll do anything you want--"

The doorbell rings. It's Victor

Victor: "I brought you some flowers...in case the other three bouquets get lonely."

Gabrielle: "Thank you. You can go now. I don't want to take any more time out of your busy schedule."

Victor: "For God sake, Gaby, How many times do I have to say I'm sorry? What I did was thoughtless and inconsiderate."

Gabrielle: "Yes, it was."

Victor: "What you did was flat-out vicious."

Gabrielle: "Just trying to get your attention."

Victor: "By humiliating me in public?"

Gabrielle: "Hey, you hurt me. If I have to strike back hard to protect myself..."

Victor: "Is that what you think this is? Combat?"

Gabrielle: "I've been taken for granted before, and I'm not gonna let it happen again. If I'm gonna give myself to you, you damn well better worship me!"

Victor: "And I will do that...morning and evening services."

Gabrielle: "Good."

Victor: "But you have to stop treating this relationship Like it's a boxing match only one of us can win. Maybe you haven't noticed, but I'm in love with you. So it'd be nice If you could take the gloves off and trust me."

Gabrielle: "You're in love with me?"

Victor: "My campaign--that's about winning. This, you and me, it's about happiness. And we could both use a little. But maybe you need some more time to think about it."

He starts to leave. She grabs him and kisses him, then leans back, showing him her open palms

Gabrielle: "Look. No gloves."

EDIE'S HOUSE

Carlos is looking at pictures on his digital camera when Edie comes downstairs

Edie: "Travers conked out the moment his head hit the pillow. Poor little guy was beat."

Carlos: "Well, he should be. We covered every inch of that zoo. Oh, check this out--You and Travers at the monkey house."

Edie: "Oh, I look squinty. Delete. Delete."

Carlos: "There's the one the pretzel guy took."

Edie: "Look at the three of us. You have to e-mail me that one."

Carlos: "Isn't that great? You know, he thought that Travers had my eyes."

Edie: "Seriously?"

Carlos: "He totally thought we were a family."

Edie: "Well, if we were, we'd be one hell of a good-looking one."

Carlos: "Yeah. Nothing better than family."

LYNETTE'S HOUSE

Tom is on the phone with Mrs. McCluskey

Tom: "And this time, I really mean it."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Me, too."

Tom: "Well, you gonna say anything?"

Mrs. McCluskey: "To be honest I've heard a better apology. But I know how hard this must have been for you. And that makes me happy. So I accept."

Tom: "Thanks. That's big of you."

Mrs. McCluskey: "That is big of you to admit you are a chucklehead. I'll see you tomorrow."

MRS. MCCLUSKEY'S HOUSE

Mrs. McCluskey hangs up her phone and continues folding her laundry in the basement

Mrs. McCluskey: "Did you heard that, Gibert? He apologized. I mean I know he did it just for her sake But still...maybe they have a good marriage after all. But they will never have what we had will they Gilbert. Not by a long shot."

Mary Alice: "Passion. It's a force so potent we still remember it long after it's faded away. A drive so alluring it can push us to the arms of unexpected lovers. A sensation so overwhelming it can knock down walls we built to protect our hearts. A feeling so intense it resurfaces even though we try so hard to keep it buried. Yes, of all emotions, passion is the one that gives us a reason to live and an excuse to commit all sorts of crimes."

In Mrs. McCluskey's basement, she opens her freezer to remove a popsicle. Inside the freezer is the frozen body of her late husband.

 

The End