Épisode L'objet du désir S03E17 - Desperate Housewives Saison 3

OUTSIDE SUSAN'S HOUSE

Susan and Ian are standing outside Susan's house. Susan is holding a single red rose

Susan: "God, I'm so nervous."

Ian: "Don't be. They're going to adore you as much as I do."

Susan: "Oh, thanks. I needed to hear to that."

She throws her arms around him to hug him. The rose stem brushes against Ian's neck

Ian: "Darling... thorns."

Susan: "I'm so sorry."

Mary Alice: "If there was one thing Ian Hainsworth was sure of, it was that his love for Susan Mayer was indestructible. He knew this because it had been tested again...and again...and again. Still, Ian had found a way to forgive Susan her...occasional lack of grace."

A black car drives down the street

Susan: "Here they come."

Mary Alice: "The question now on his mind was, would his parents be able to do the same?"

Ian's parents get out of the car. Ian hugs them

Ian: "Father."

Graham: "My dear boy."

Ian: "This is my fiancée Susan. These are my parents, Graham and Dahlia."

Dahlia: "Delighted."

Graham: "You weren't exaggerating. She's a vision, Ian."

Susan: "It's so great to finally meet both of you. Oh, this is for you."

Ian: "Be careful, mother! Thorns."

Dahlia: "Ian, I know how to hold a rose."

Ian: "Yes, of course. I just didn't want Susan to...you're right. Sorry."

Susan: "Anyone hungry?"

Ian: "Yes."

Later, the four of them are in Susan's back yard, where she's pouring charcoal into a barbeque

Graham: "So, one puts the meat atop the burning coals. How wonderfully primal."

Dahlia: "Yes, I'll feel like some gloriously rough-hewn cowgirl enjoying her...uh, what's the word?"

Graham: "Vittles?"

Dahlia: "No, that can't be right."

Susan: "No, it is. It's vittles. So, can I get you something to drink?"

Dahlia: "I'd adore just a thimble of gin."

Susan starts to put down the charcoal

Ian: "Oh, no, you stay, darling. I can manage."

Ian and Graham go inside the house

Ian: "Well, it seems to be going rather well...touch wood."

Graham: "Were you worried?"

Ian: "Oh, you know, introducing one's fiancée to one's parents is always a bit fraught."

Graham: "Oh, well, you don't have to tell me. The first time I met Dahlia's parents was a complete disaster."

Behind the men, in the backyard, Susan lights the barbeque on fire and Dahlia, who was standing too close, suddenly gets her arm set on fire. Susan tosses some water on her, then, when that doesn't put out the flames, grabs a tablecloth and wraps it around Dahlia

Graham: "We were at tea, and there was this plate of small cakes. And as I offered one to her mother, I tipped the plate, and plop! A scone fell right into her ladyship's teacup. Earl grey everywhere! On the cloth, her mother's skirt..."

Ian: "You must have been mortified."

Graham: "I was. It was an absolute debacle."

Dahlia and Susan come inside. Dahlia's entire right side has soot on it and her sleeve has been burned away

Susan: "Um, guys? Don't worry. She's all right."

Mary Alice: "Yes, Ian Hainsworth knew his love for Susan was indestructible. Unfortunately for his mother, chiffon was not."

OPENING CREDITS

Mary Alice: "In every housewife's closet, there's a treasured article of clothing that she refuses to part with. It might be an old cheerleader uniform that symbolizes her youth. Or the last bikini she wore before she had children. Or a pair of expensive pants she prays will come back in style. But for Gabrielle Solis, every piece of clothing was a treasure. Carefully selected, beautifully maintained, and utterly...irreplaceable."

In Gabrielle's closet, a small water leak drips onto some of the clothes. Suddenly, the entire ceiling above the closet caves in, drenching everything in water

OUTSIDE GABRIELLE'S HOUSE

Gabrielle and Edie remove shopping bags from Gabrielle's trunk

Gabrielle: "I can't believe you bought another bustier."

Edie: "I know. I should never shop for lingerie when I'm horny. It's like buying groceries when you're hungry."

Gabrielle: "In a slump, huh? How long's it been?"

Edie: "About three weeks, and I am dying. You know, I'm this close to seducing my gardener."

Gabrielle: "Been there, done that."

Edie: "Mmm, that scrumptious teenager of yours. Hey, do you think..."

Gabrielle: "He's married."

Edie: "Damn. How about that Victor Lang? Have you two..."

Gabrielle: "No. God, no. As a matter of fact, I think I'm dumping him after dinner tonight."

Edie: "Why? He's rich. He's gorgeous. He's probably gonna be mayor. I mean, what more do you want?"

Gabrielle: "I don't know. He's just too arrogant. He acts like I'm some trophy he's already won. It's infuriating."

Edie: "Yeah, that's awful. Can I do him?"

Gabrielle: "Oh, stop it. You cannot be that hard up."

Edie: "Did I mention my gardener's sixty-two?"

They enter Gabrielle's house. A small water leak is dripping from the ceiling onto the carpet in the front of the house

Gabrielle: "What the hell is this?"

Gabrielle runs upstairs and sees the mess that used to be her closet

Gabrielle: "Oh, my God!"

Downstairs, Edie reapplies her lipstick

Gabrielle: "No!"

SCAVO RESTAURANT

Lynette enters the restaurant and says hi to the employees she passes by. She's the only employee not wearing an orange work t-shirt

Tom: "Honey? Where's your uniform?"

Lynette: "Oh, crap. I left it at home again."

Tom: "Yeah, um, I figured you would...again. That's why... I pulled an extra one from the back."

Lynette: "Thanks. Are you sure it's the right..."

Tom: "Yep, your size."

Lynette: "Listen...I was thinking, wouldn't it be better if the staff wore a uniform, and you and I wore regular clothes? That way it's like, "Hi. Welcome to Scavo's. We're the Scavos.""

Tom: "Yeah, but I like wearing the uniform, and when you don't, Ii looks like we all work for you."

Lynette: "Oh, good point. Okay, here's another good point: I hate orange."

Tom: "Since when?"

Lynette: "Since always. You know my closet. Surely you've noticed I don't own anything orange."

Tom: "No, I hadn't really..."

Lynette: "Orange says, "Beware. Something bad's gonna happen." That's why they use it for life vests and traffic cones and convicts. Also, it washes me out completely."

Tom: "You're wearing the uniform."

Lynette: "Are you speaking as my husband or as my boss?"

Tom: "Definitely your boss. Your husband...too damn scared of you."

He walks away

Lynette: "As well he should be."

WISTERIA LANE

Edie walks slowly down the block to her house

Mary Alice: "As Edie walked home, all she could think of was her nonexistent love life..."

As she approaches her house, she sees her son and Carlos playing basketball

Travers: "Pass it to me, Carlos!"

Mary Alice: "And how much she wanted back in the game."

Carlos removes his shirt to wipe the sweat from his body

Mary Alice: "It was just then she saw someone she might like to play with."

Edie: "Hi!"

Carlos: "Hey. Did you see that, Edie? Kid's looking good, huh?"

Edie: "Looking real good."

Travers: "Can we play another game?"

Edie: "No, it's lunchtime. You go wash up."

Travers: "Bye, Carlos."

Carlos: "Bye."

Edie: "Oh, you have been so great with Travers. Let me take you out for steak tonight."

Carlos: "You don't have to pay me back. I'm having more fun than he is."

Edie: "Well, then...we'll just have to arrange for another playdate."

Carlos: "Anytime."

SUSAN'S HOUSE

Dahlia comes to the table where Graham, Ian, and Susan are getting ready to eat Chinese take-out

Graham: "Look who's back."

Dahlia: "Yes. Let's try this again, shall we?"

Susan: "Dahlia, I am so sorry about the..."

Dahlia: "Please, not another word. Chiffon at a barbecue? I was asking to be immolated."

Ian: "A drink with dinner, mother?"

Dahlia: "Oh, God, yes."

She starts to sit down

Susan: "Oh, not that chair. That's the wobbler. I'm saving up for a new set. Here, sit here."

Dahlia: "Ian tells us you have a young daughter. Won't she be joining us?"

Susan: "Julie? No, she's at her father's this weekend. Is something wrong?"

Dahlia: "It's just that Ian told us that your husband had been gone for years. We assumed you were a widow."

Susan: "No, Karl's alive and kicking, sadly."

Dahlia: "So you're a... divorcée? What happened? Did he beat you?"

Susan: "No. Of course not."

Ian: "She had ample grounds, mother. Karl was a shameless womanizer."

Dahlia: "So it was just adultery."

Susan: "Just adultery?"

Dahlia: "To my way of thinking, men are, by nature, weak. I think Graham will back me up on that."

Graham: "Really, Dahlia."

Dahlia: "If you want your marriage to last...when your husband strays, you extract some suitable penance... and get on with it. Punish the sin, but love the sinner."

Susan: "Yeah, well, with Karl, I was more, "Divorce the ass and seize the assets." So you better watch out. Betrayal makes me vengeful."

Ian: "Well, that's good to know."

Dahlia: "Yes, it certainly is."

VICTOR'S HOUSE

Victor and Gabrielle are seated outside his house, eating dinner by candlelight

Gabrielle: "Apparently, the water heater in the attic had burst. Everything is ruined. My clothes, my shoes, dresses. Why are you smiling?"

Victor: "Well, we have different perspectives. You see ruined clothes, and I see a woman who could suddenly use a rich boyfriend."

Gabrielle: "You will never be my boyfriend."

Victor: "Gaby, how much longer are you gonna pretend you're not crazy about me?"

Gabrielle: "Not much longer. This is our last date."

Victor: "Didn't you say it was our last date on our last date?"

Gabrielle: "I mean it this time."

Victor: "Yeah? Well, do me a favor, mean it next time. I'm getting an award tomorrow at the rotary club."

Gabrielle: "Boring."

Victor: "Come on, I want my date to be the most beautiful woman in the room."

Gabrielle: "Is that supposed to flatter me?"

Victor: "Only if you've never seen the women of the rotary club."

Gabrielle: "Oh, shut up and get me a sweater. Have you even noticed how cold I am?"

Victor: "Noticed? It's made my whole evening."

Gabrielle grabs a napkin and covers her chest with it

Gabrielle: "Sweater, now."

Later, Gabrielle and Victor are inside his house. Victor goes to his walk-in closet while Gabrielle wanders over to the other walk-in closet, which is filled with beautiful women's clothing

Victor: "How about a nice cashmere cardigan?"

Gabrielle: "Oh, my God!"

Victor: "What?"

Gabrielle: "Look at this! There's Lacroix and Ungaro and Vintage Gaultier."

Victor: "Yeah, I don't really know much about fashion."

Gabrielle: "Shh! They can hear you. Oh, my God! There's another rack back here! This all your ex-wife's stuff?"

Victor: "Yeah. She's storing it here until her new house is ready."

Gabrielle: "Oh, my God! She wears my size! It's amazing. Nobody wears my size."

Victor: "Well, I guess I have a type."

Gabrielle: "And normally that would creep me out, except it means that I can borrow this one-of-a-kind Undari for our date!"

Victor: "Heel, girl. This belongs to my ex."

Gabrielle: "So?"

Victor: "I don't think she'd appreciate me loaning her clothes to my girlfriend."

Gabrielle: "Okay, "a," I'm not your girlfriend, and "b," she's not gonna find out unless you tell her. Come on! A dress this gorgeous is meant to be seen. Every day it hangs in the closet, an angel loses its wings."

Victor: "That's very cute, but the answer's still no. Come on. Let's go. Gaby."

Gabrielle: "I just wanted a moment to say good-bye."

THERAPIST'S OFFICE

Mike is lying on the couch talking to his therapist

Mike: "So in the next scene, the guy wakes up, and the girl, Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock, one of those, is standing there holding a tray of pancakes."

Therapist: "What happens then?"

Mike: "I keep telling you, I don't remember. What's the difference? It's just some stupid movie I saw."

Therapist: "Yet every time you remember it, you feel sad or upset. I think something happened at that movie or just afterwards. Who did you see it with?"

Mike: "Well, it's obviously some chick flick...so probably Susan."

Therapist: "Well, why not ask her about it? Maybe she can tell you what happened."

Mike: "No. No, I don't want to bother her. She just got engaged."

Therapist: "Mike, this therapy isn't just about recovering your memories. It's about you getting closure. Now the emotions you're feeling won't be resolved until you know what they're about."

Mike: "I don't know."

Therapist: "Come on. Talk to Susan. What could it hurt?"

MIKE'S HOUSE

Carlos is on the phone with Travers

Carlos: "That's awesome. I love model airplanes."

Travers: "So you'll help me put it together?"

Carlos: "Sure. I'll see you tomorrow after school. Can you come at seven instead?"

Travers: "Why so late?"

Carlos: "Mom says I can't play till I finish my homework."

Travers: "Bye."

EDIE'S HOUSE

Edie places a model airplane kit in front of Travers as he hangs up the phone

Travers: "He's coming. So can I stay up and watch my show now?"

Edie: "You can stay up as late as you want, champ. Tomorrow, you are going to have an early night."

SUSAN'S HOUSE

Susan and Ian are preparing coffee and dessert in the kitchen

Susan: "Your father's been up there for twenty minutes. Are you sure he's okay?"

Ian: "He's fine. He always lies down after dinner. He says it helps his digestion. Relax. It's going very well."

Susan: "I set your mother on fire."

Ian: "And you've been relentlessly charming ever since. Trust me, when she looks back at tonight, she won't even remember the fire."

They walk through the double doors into the dining room. The door that Susan opened hits Dahlia and she falls onto her back, spilling her wine all over herself

Ian: "But she may remember this."

Susan: "Oh, my God! I'm so sorry! Are you all right?"

Dahlia: "Yes, I'm perfectly fine. At least this blouse made it through dinner."

Susan: "Let me get you a towel."

Susan walks into her bathroom to find Graham standing in front of her mirror, wearing Susan's robe

Susan: "Hello!"

Graham: "I hope you don't mind. Dahlia has a birthday coming up, and I saw this hanging there, and I thought, "a robe! Well, there's a notion." So I just tried it on... To get a sense of the drape."

The robe opens slightly and Susan can see that he's wearing her bra as well

Susan: "Were you also thinking of getting her a lace bra?"

Graham: "Oh, dear God! Please don't mention this to any of my family."

Susan: "Just take the robe off. And whatever you have on underneath...consider that yours."

Downstairs, Ian and Dahlia are talking in the living room

Dahlia: "Be reasonable, dear. I'm only trying to protect you."

Ian: "From Susan? Well, she doesn't care about my money. She's never asked me for a cent."

Dahlia: "Your logic is as wobbly as the dining room chairs she can't afford to replace."

Ian: "I love Susan, and I won't ask her to do this."

Susan walks in with some towels

Ian: "Oh, hello. Mother's fine. I found her a sweater."

Susan: "So, uh, what won't you ask me?"

Ian: "Nothing."

Dahlia: "I was wondering if you'd object to signing a document that says should you and Ian part ways, you'll accept a cash settlement and not go after the money he inherits from us."

Susan: "You mean a prenup?"

Dahlia: "Please try to understand. Our country estate has been in our family for generations. We want it preserved for the children we hope Ian will have, not lost in some pricey divorce."

Susan: "Well, who's getting divorced? I'm in this for keeps."

Dahlia: "I'm sure you said the same to your first husband before you bolted with all you could carry."

Ian: "Mother, Susan is not signing anything."

Dahlia: "Fine. Then we'll leave it all to your brother."

Ian: "Oh, do you think Nigel's going to give you a grandson? He's an alcoholic homosexual."

Dahlia: "With a castle at stake, he can learn a new skill."

Susan: "Okay, stop this. We invited you here to celebrate our engagement. Now I'm divorced, and Ian's disinherited?"

Graham walks in

Graham: "Hello. Have I missed anything?"

Dahlia: "We'll be going soon. Please, don't be offended. All of us go into marriage convinced that everything will be perfect. God knows I did. And then one day, I found a bill for some expensive lingerie. Bustiers, peignoirs. None of it in my size. Certainly opened my eyes."

Ian: "But I'm not like my father."

Susan: "Trust him, he's not."

Dahlia: "I'm sorry, Ian."

Graham and Dahlia leave

SCAVO RESTUARANT

The employees are sitting around a table when Lynette walks in

Lynette: "Hey, guys."

Andrew: "Hey, Mrs. Scavo. I'm sorry. We were just taking a quick break. We'll get back to work."

Lynette: "No. No, don't be silly. Who am I, Tom? I'm one of you guys. Sit down. Hey...you know what we could use? A good old-fashioned bitch session, get some stuff off our chests. So what's bugging you guys? Okay, I'll go first. How do we feel about these uniforms? A little...eh?"

Andrew: "They're okay. But, hey, why do we have to pool our tips? Why can't we just keep what we earn?"

Lynette: "Good point, good point. But right now we're talking about these ugly-ass uniforms."

Guy Employee: "You know what bugs me? No health benefits. I'm kind of worried about this mole that I found..."

Lynette: "Focus, people! The subject is shirts. It's killing morale."

Kim: "I kinda like 'em."

Lynette: "Really, Kim? 'Cause...I heard one of your customers say that when Halloween comes around, we should stick a candle in your mouth. See? Morale. You guys need to stand up for yourselves. It's your right-No, it's your obligation to go to management and demand new shirts. And if management doesn't like it, you tell him he can go screw-!"

Tom, who had walked in during her speech, closes the door and walks past the group

Lynette: "Okay, okay. Break's over, people. I'm gonna go find Tom and talk. Oh! Good."

Tom: "I can't believe you tried to undermine me like this."

Lynette: "Well, you gave me no choice."

Tom: "It's just a uniform. Why can't you wear it?"

Lynette: "Because I need to win one, Tom."

Tom: "What?"

Lynette: "You keep ordering me around and disagreeing with me and overuling me, and I'm sick of it. We have to do things my way at least every once in a while.

This was the deal, Lynette. You agreed. I'm in charge here. You're in charge at home."

Lynette: "Except we're never home. We live here. Our marriage happens here."

Tom: "Okay, you know what? We can't talk about this now. We open in ten minutes. Maybe later we can..."

Lynette: "Later I'll be asleep, and then I will be back here before you wake up. We gotta deal with this now."

Tom: "Okay, all right...we're gonna deal with this now. I'm gonna get ready for the dinner rush, And you're gonna wear the damn uniform."

Lynette: "No."

Tom: "What?"

Lynette: "I'm going home."

Tom: "You're walking out on me?"

Lynette: "I told you orange meant something bad was gonna happen."

VICTOR'S HOUSE

Gabrielle knocks on the front door. The maid answers

Gabrielle: "Hi. Remember me? I had dinner here the other night. Anyway, I was driving through your neighborhood after having, like, three iced teas, and I really have to go to the bathroom. Do you mind?"

She goes inside and upstairs. Once upstairs, she goes to the walk-in closet and takes off her coat, revealing that she was only wearing her bra and panties underneath. She takes one of the dresses and puts it on

Gabrielle: "You and I are gonna be so happy together."

She's about to put her coat back on when she then starts putting on as many clothes as can fit her. Finally, she leaves, all bundled up, passing by the maid on her way out

Gabrielle: "I feel ten pounds lighter. Thank you."

OUTSIDE SUSAN'S HOUSE

Mike walks up to Susan, who's taking groceries out of her car

Mike: "Hey, you got a minute? I need your help with something."

Susan: "I should probably get these inside."

Mike: "Please, I...I need to ask you about a movie."

Later, Mike is telling Susan about the movie

Mike: "And so the last part I remember, the girl is putting these raw pancakes in front of him, and then something else funny happened. I don't remember. It was just a stupid chick flick."

Susan: "Mike, it wasn't a movie. That was us."

Mike: "What?"

Susan: "Yeah. That was the first night that we spent together. I wanted to surprise you."

Mike: "With raw pancakes?"

Susan: "They weren't all raw. I was trying to spell "Mike," and the "m" was goopy, but the "ike" was delicious. You loved it."

Mike: "I did, huh?"

Susan: "Actually, no, it was gross. But you were really sweet. You just gave me a lot of kisses and said not to worry, I'd get a lot of chances to make you pancakes 'cause..."

Mike: "'Cause I was planning on spending the rest of... my mornings with you."

Susan: "You remember."

Mike: "Yeah."

Susan: "I should go 'cause Ian's parents are here."

She goes back inside as Ian, from inside the house, watches

ROTARY CLUB

Gabrielle and Victor talk with another member of the Rotary Club

Victor: "It's nice to see you."

Man: "Thank you both for coming."

Victor: "You know, I know I've said it ten times, but you look fantastic. And my offer still stands."

Gabrielle: "You do not have to pay for my dress."

Victor: "Come on. You only needed it for my luncheon, and it looks like it cost a bundle."

Gabrielle: "Trust me, it was a steal. I'm gonna go powder my nose, and then you can start showing me off."

She leaves and Victor's assistant comes over

Assistant: "Heads-up. I just saw your ex-wife."

Victor: "What is she doing here?"

Assistant: "Some friend of hers is getting a plaque, too. You want to duck out after your speech?"

Victor: "Are you kidding? I can't wait till she gets a good, long look at Gaby."

BATHROOM

Gabrielle is powdering her nose when Victor's ex-wife, Samantha, walks in. She stares at Gabrielle

Gabrielle: "Hey."

Samantha: "Hello. I love your dress."

Gabrielle: "Thanks."

Samantha: "It's one-of-a-kind, isn't it?"

Gabrielle: "Yeah, couture."

Samantha: "Undari?"

Gabrielle: "Wow, good eye."

Samantha: "Well, I do have an unfair advantage. I bought it."

Gabrielle: "So you're...well, first, let me just say you have amazing taste. If we had met in any other context, we would so get along."

Samantha: "I left those clothes with Victor so he could store them, not loan them to his sluts."

Gabrielle: "Okay, you're mad, so I'm just gonna blow right by that slut crack."

Samantha: "I want my dress back now."

Gabrielle: "Okay, let's be reasonable. You can't wear two dresses to one lunch. It's not like I have a spare in the car."

Samantha: "Not my problem. Give me back the dress."

Gabrielle: "Go ahead. Yell all you want. You can't force me to take off this dress."

Samantha: "This is pepper spray. In three seconds, your eyeballs will be on fire."

Gabrielle: "Could you help me with the clasp?"

Later, Samantha walks up to Victor. She's holding Gabrielle's dress in her hand

Victor: "Hello, Samantha. I heard you were here...Isn't that Gaby's dress?"

Samantha punches Victor

BATHROOM

Victor knocks on the bathroom door. Gaby answers it wearing only her bra and panties

Victor: "Gaby? You in there?"

Gabrielle: "Hey, Victor. You're probably wondering why I've been in here so long. Funny story. I ran into your ex-wife."

Victor: "Yeah, she brought me up to speed."

He hands her his coat while holding an ice pack on his eye

EDIE'S HOUSE

Carlos and Travers are putting together the model plane while Edie watches

Edie: "Okay, it's time for bed, Travers."

Travers: "But I wanna show Carlos my new turtle."

Edie stares at Travers meaningfully

Travers: "Oh. Right. I'm tired."

Carlos: "That's okay, buddy. I gotta get going anyway."

Edie: "Hey, you haven't even finished your wine."

Carlos: "Sorry, early day tomorrow. Come on, kiddo. I'll tuck you in."

Edie: "Sleep tight, Travers."

Travers climbs onto Carlos' back and Carlos goes upstairs. While he's gone, Edie turns on the fireplace by remote control, then breaks off a piece of the wing from the model plane. When Carlos comes back downstairs, she shows him the plane

Edie: "Oh, no! I'm such a klutz. I think I broke it."

Carlos: "Nah, it's just a flap. I can fix that."

They sit on the couch and Edie dims the lights by remote control

Carlos: "Uh, Edie?"

Edie: "Yeah?"

Carlos: "I can't see what I'm doing here."

Edie: "I'm sorry."

She turns the lights back up

Edie: "Maybe I should watch so that if it breaks again, I can fix it."

Carlos: "Okay, um, so this hinge needs to go in at this angle...so that the flap works. See?"

Edie: "God, you're so mechanical."

Carlos: "Edie, what are you doing?"

Edie: "Learning about flaps."

Carlos: "Nah, I think you're coming on to me."

Edie: "Maybe."

Carlos: "Okay, Edie, no."

Edie: "Come on."

Carlos: "We're close friends, and I don't want to ruin that."

Edie: "We're not that close. Let's just do it and see where it goes."

Carlos: "Okay, you know what? It wouldn't go anywhere."

Edie: "Why not?"

Carlos: "'Cause I'm looking for a girl who wants to settle down and be in a serious relationship, and you're not that type."

Edie: "Oh? What type am I?"

Carlos: "You're... the fun type, who likes to dress sexy and go out and meet new people, and then go out the next night and meet another... new people."

Edie: "You think I'm promiscuous?"

Carlos: "I'm just saying, for a house on a cul-de-sac, this place sees a lot of traffic."

Edie: "Just because I'm popular doesn't mean that I'm incapable of a lasting commitment."

Carlos: "Look, you can't even commit to your kid. He's here for a month, and you keep dumping him on neighbors so you can go shopping. That is, when you're not using him for sex bait."

Edie: "Get out of my house."

LYNETTE'S HOUSE

Lynette is on the phone while Gabrielle and Susan sit on her couch, drinking beer

Lynette: "Tom, it's me again. You should've been home thirty minutes ago. I know. You're still mad. I am, too, so why don't you come home and we can be mad together? See you soon."

She hangs up the phone

Gabrielle: "So what kind of orange is this shirt? Like a salmon or a coral?

Lynette shows her the shirt

Gabrielle: "Oh, cheese doodle."

Lynette: "Exactly, and I'm supposed to wear that every damn day."

Susan: "Oh, please. It's not that bad. I once worked at this fish-and-chip place. I had to wear an eye patch and a stuffed parrot on my shoulder. "Would you like to hear arrr specials?""

Gabrielle: "Why don't you just tell Tom to pick another color?"

Lynette: "This isn't about the shirt anymore. This is about us working together. Every day it's a battle. It's hurting our marriage. You know what? I'll just tell Tom I need to step back."

Gabrielle: "You mean quit?"

Lynette: "Yeah. We could hire a manager or something."

Susan: "How do you think Tom's gonna feel about that?"

Lynette: "Well, once he decides to stop hiding, I can ask him. You know what? I'm tired of waiting. I'm gonna go down there and I'm gonna talk to him. See you guys later."

She leaves the house

Susan: "So I guess this means we're babysitting the kids, huh?"

Gabrielle: "Guess so."

Lynette comes back inside

Lynette: "I'm an idiot. Would you guys mind..."

Susan: "We got it. Just go."

SCAVO RESTAURANT

Lynette enters the restaurant

Lynette: "Tom! Come on! I know you're still here. You realize what time it is? I know! You're mad. But you just...you can't avoid me all night."

She goes around the bar and steps on broken glass. Then she notices that Tom is unconscious on the floor. She runs over to him

Lynette: "Oh, my God! Oh, Tom. Tommy...Okay, okay, you're breathing. That's good. That's good."

She picks up her cell phone and dials a number

Lynette: "Hello? Hi. There's something wrong with my husband. I don't know. He's unconscious. 357 Hawthorne place. Okay, could you please hurry? Thank you. Yes."

She hangs up

Lynette: "Listen to me. I forbid you to die. If you leave me with a mortgage and a restaurant and five kids, I swear I will track you into the deepest pit of hell and make you pay. Do you hear me? Come on, baby...Oh, please."

HOSPITAL

Tom is sleeping in a hospital bed while Lynette and the doctor talk outside of the room

Lynette: "So that's it? He threw out his back? Oh, thank God."

Doctor: "I'm guessing he passed out from the pain. But I wanna be clear. A ruptured disc is very serious. He'll need surgery. It'll be a while before he's back on his feet."

Lynette: "How much of a while?"

Doctor: "Three months."

Lynette: "Three months?"

Doctor: "Even then, he'll need to go easy. What sort of work does he do?"

Lynette: "We run a restaurant."

Doctor: "He shouldn't go back for four or five months. Restaurant work is very stressful."

Lynette: "Yeah, it is."

SUSAN'S HOUSE

Susan gets into bed, where Ian is reading over some papers

Susan: "What's that?"

Ian: "It's the prenup my parents want you to sign."

Susan: "And you brought it to bed? Okay, romance tip number one..."

Ian: "Sorry. I just can't get that off my mind. I keep thinking, why all this ungodly fuss? Susan's not in this for money and heirlooms."

Susan: "Thank you. I don't want your family's stuff. What am I gonna do with half a castle?"

Ian: "Exactly. So why not just sign it?"

Susan: "Huh?"

Ian: "Well, I mean, looking at it rationally, what's the difference between making the promise you just made to me and making the same promise on paper?"

Susan: "Well, the difference is huge. I mean, one way you're trusting me, and...And the other way, you're trying to make it official."

Ian: "But isn't that what marriage is, making your love official?"

Susan: "Ian, do you really want to start our life together making me feel like...I'm on probation?"

Ian: "You know that I trust you. This isn't about my fears. It's about my parents."

Susan: "Really? I think it's about someone else. He just wanted me to help him remember something."

Ian: "Who?"

Susan: "Mike. I saw you watching us. We were just talking."

Ian: "I never thought anything else."

Susan: "Okay, I'll sign it."

Ian: "At least read it first."

Susan: "I don't need to. I trust you."

THERAPIST'S OFFICE

Mike walks in to where his therapist is seated at a table

Therapist: "Oh. Hi, Mike. So tell me. I've been dying to know. Did you talk to Susan? Could she remember what the movie was?"

Mike: "Actually... no."

Therapist: "Ah, well, hang in there. We'll figure it out. It's just a matter of time before everything starts coming back. Here, have a seat."

Mike: "Listen, you've been really helpful the last few months, but I think I'm done here."

Therapist: "Mike, I know this can be a frustrating process. But if you give up now, there are so many memories that could be lost to you."

Mike: "Yeah, I'm okay with that."

GABRIELLE'S HOUSE

Gabrielle comes downstairs carrying all of the clothes she took from Samantha's closet. She gives them to Victor

Victor: "Oh, my God. How many did you take?"

Gabrielle: "Sorry. I wanted options. Stop judging me. I was hopped up on couture."

Victor: "Hey, you know, it's not funny. Samantha called her lawyer."

Gabrielle: "What? Over a dress? God, what a bitch."

Victor: "Don't call her that."

Gabrielle: "She threatened me with mace and then slugged you. Now you're on her side?"

Victor: "Gaby, I didn't marry an angry woman. I just divorced one."

Gabrielle: "What happened? Did you have some little mistress on the side?"

Victor: "Worse. I treated her like she was the mistress. I set her up in a nice house, I gave her an allowance. And then I came and went as I pleased. She was always there when I needed her, but if she needed me, well... And if she wasn't happy, she could always go out and buy a nice new dress. You saw the closet, so you know just how happy she was. What?"

Gabrielle: "I've known you for two weeks, and this is the first glimpse of a guy I could actually like."

Victor: "A clueless, emotionally stunted workaholic?"

Gabrielle: "A guy who can admit he screwed up, one who's not trying to impress me every second of the day with how perfect and charming he is. I wouldn't mind seeing more of that guy."

Victor: "Well, his schedule's wide open. How about dinner tomorrow night?"

Gabrielle: "I'd love to. Although what am I gonna wear now?"

Victor: "Doesn't matter. 'Cause I'm just gonna talk you out of it."

Gabrielle: "Look who's back, Mr. Cocky."

Victor: "He never leaves for long, does he, that guy?"

SUSAN'S HOUSE

Susan, Ian, Graham, and Dahlia are sitting around the kitchen table. Susan has the pre-nuptual in front of her

Dahlia: "Are there any points you'd like to discuss before you sign?"

Susan: "I'd like you to say, "We don't need this. We trust you." But you don't, so I'll sign it. And once I do, I am going to earn your trust by being a good wife to Ian."

Dahlia: "Well, we're sure you will be. Sign all three copies, please."

Susan: "I mean it. I am going to be loving and faithful and above all, honest. There'll be no secrets with Ian. I'll tell him everything."

Dahlia: "Well, we applaud your candor."

Susan: "What I'm trying to say is, there'll be no topic that I need to...skirt. No issue that I won't...address. I won't conceal my true thoughts under garments of secrecy."

Dahlia: "Good for you. Now if you'll just sign..."

Graham reaches out and grabs the papers from Susan. He tears them in half

Graham: "For God sakes, Dahlia. Anyone can see she's not a fortune hunter."

Dahlia: "Graham, what are you doing? She is willing to sign."

Graham: "Which proves she can be trusted. I'm sure you'll be a good wife to Ian."

Susan: "You can count on it."

OUTSIDE EDIE'S HOUSE

Edie walks up her front porch and sees flowers waiting for her. She reads the card

MIKE'S HOUSE

Carlos opens his front door and Edie is there

Edie: "Thanks for the flowers."

Carlos: "You're welcome. Come on."

Edie: "You know, about Travers...you can see him if you want. He misses you."

Carlos: "I miss him, too."

Edie: "Oh, and just so you know, he's at a sleepover, so I didn't leave him alone with a six-pack and some matches."

Carlos: "Look, Edie, um...what I said about you the other day was..."

Edie: "Dead-on. You nailed me, Carlos. Maybe not the way that I wanted you to, but still..."

Carlos: "But I had no right to judge you. Besides, the guys, the clothes, the partying. That's you. I mean, that's the Edie that we love."

Edie: "Well, I'm glad you love her, because I'm getting pretty tired of her."

Carlos: "Come on..."

Edie: "I'm a forty-year-old party girl. Do you think that I don't know that my days are numbered?"

Carlos: "I don't know what you want me to say here."

Edie: "Don't say anything. Just...Stop seeing the person that I've been and start seeing the person I could be. Look at me, not the Edie that I show the world. In fact... let's lose her. Forget the blouse that she wears because she knows it shows off her cleavage."

She takes off her blouse

Carlos: "Edie, what are you doing?"

Edie: "And the skirt that's so short because she knows that guys love long legs."

She takes off her skirt

Edie: "And the heels. The ones that make her legs look even longer."

She takes off her shoes

Carlos: "Edie, please."

Edie: "Forget the bra that holds her breasts a little higher than they are on their own these days."

She takes off her bra

Edie: "And the panties. The ones that hide the scar from my c-section."

She takes off her panties and stands before Carlos, naked

Edie: "This is it. Hi, Carlos. I'm Edie. I might not be the woman that you thought I was under all of that... But I'm real, and I'm here. And I'm asking for a chance."

Carlos goes over to her and hugs her

HOSPITAL

Lynette is sitting by Tom's bedside at the hospital when her phone rings

Lynette: "Hey, Andrew. Ah, thanks. He's gonna be okay. No. No, absolutely not. We will open tonight as usual. Hey, it's gonna be fine, Andrew. I will take care of it. It's my job now. Okay. See you soon. Bye."

She hangs up the phone

VARIOUS HOUSES

Mary Alice: "In every housewife's closet, there's an article of clothing that tells you more about its owner than she would want you to know. It might be a shirt that she despises but wears without complaint. Perhaps it's some lingerie, she knows isn't hers, but refuses to discuss... Or a dress she once loved, that she can no longer bear to look at Yes, you can learn a lot about women from what they choose to wear. You can learn even more by what they choose to take off, and who they take it off for."

 

The End