Cemetery - Daytime
Bree and Phyllis are walking among the gravestones.
Phyllis: "Now which one is Rex's headstone? I always forget."
Bree: "It's right down this row."
Phyllis: "Oh. Oh, yes. That's right."
"Over the years, Bree Van de Kamp had grown increasingly concerned over her mother-in-law's forgetfulness."
Flashback – Phyllis is standing with a tape measure hanging around her neck.
Phyllis: "Oh, honey, did I forget to take the pins out of that dress?"
Bree, trying on a dress, pulls a pin out of the dress.
"Her lapses had become more frequent..."
Flashback – Phyllis and Bree in the front yard.
Phyllis: "Sweetie, didn't I tell you I was gonna paint that chair?"
Bree slowly turns around, revealing green paint all over the back of her clothes.
"More glaring..."
Flashback – Phyllis is holding a mop.
Phyllis: "Oh, dear. Didn't I mention I waxed the floor?"
Bree lies on the floor where she had just slipped and fallen.
"And more dangerous."
Present - Bree and Phyllis are walking through the cemetery.
"Yes, Bree was worried about Phyllis' faulty memory, but she was more than happy to remind her, especially when it came to the important things."
Bree: "So have you given any thought to when you might be ending your visit? What?"
Phyllis: "Have I become a burden? Is that what you're saying?"
Bree: "I was simply asking when you were planning to leave. There was no agenda behind the question."
Phyllis: "Oh. I, I don't know. Why don't we play it by ear?"
Bree: "Yes, let’s."
As they approach Rex’s grave, they stop suddenly.
Phyllis: "What on earth?"
Bree: "Oh, my god. What happened?"
They slowly approach a large, coffin-shaped hole in the ground.
Phyllis: "It looks like someone dug Rex up."
Bree: "Well, I got that, but why? Why would they do that?"
Phyllis: "I don't know. Unless..."
Bree: "Unless what?"
Phyllis: "Maybe this has something to do with that insurance investigator."
Bree: "Insurance investigator?"
Phyllis: "He came by asking all sorts of questions."
Bree: "I don't know what you're talking about, Phyllis."
Phyllis: "Maybe you were at the store. Anyway, he was very suspicious."
Bree: "Suspicious?"
Phyllis: "Oh, yes. He has a theory that Rex didn't die of a heart attack. He thinks he was poisoned."
"It was in that moment Bree could finally see the truth."
Phyllis: "Did I not mention that?"
Phylllis walks away from Bree and smiles.
"Her mother-in-law's memory was fine. It was her soul that was faulty."
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Opening Credits
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Wisteria Lane - Daytime
"The parties took place on the front lawn of forty-three, forty-seven Wisteria Lane every Sunday afternoon."
A table on the lawn is covered with a flowery tablecloth.
"Chloe Pendergast would bring the tea set, which was appropriate, since she was the hostess."
A young girl approaches the table carrying a serving tray and places it on the table.
"Brittany Chries provided formal attire from her mother's closet."
Another young girl pulling a wagon approaches. A box on the wagon contains many colorful articles of clothing.
"And Marissa Anne McKay invited the additional guests, some of whom hadn't been to a party in years."
A third young girl approaches carrying a variety of dolls and stuffed animals. She places them around the table.
The three young girl, all dressed up, are sitting around the table, having a pretend tea.
Girls: "Cheers."
"Of course, it never occurred to the young girls that while they were busy playing out their fantasy, one of the older girls in the neighborhood was engaging in a fantasy of her own."
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Gabrielle’s House
Gabrielle stands at the window, holding a cup of coffee, watching John, who is shirtless, as he prunes the trees outside her house. He smiles at her and she waves. He throws the pruning shears down and approaches the house. Gabrielle smiles coyly. He comes inside and they begin kissing.
Gabrielle stands at her window when she awakens from her daydream and sees an overweight shirtless man pruning her bushes. He rubs his nose and she frowns.
Gabrielle comes out her front door. The gardener, Ralph, almost runs into her.
Gabrielle: "Hey..."
Ralph: "Oh, hi, Mrs. Solis."
Gabrielle: "Ralph."
Ralph: "Off to the mall again?"
Gabrielle: "You know me."
Gabrielle walks past him to her car.
"There was nothing Gabrielle enjoyed as much as shopping."
Gabrielle pulls her convertible to the curb. She scoots down in the seat and looks across the street at John mowing someone’s lawn.
"And even when she couldn't afford to take anything home, she took satisfaction in looking at the merchandise."
Gabrielle watches him with a smile on her face.
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Susan’s Front Yard – Daytime
Susan is pacing in front of her house, looking at her watch. She looks at Edie’s house, down the street. Mike, working on his truck, sees her as she begins walking quickly toward Edie’s house. He approaches her.
Mike: "Hey, Susan. What's going on?"
Susan: "It's Karl's weekend to have Julie, and they're always back by six. That's our custody agreement, back by six, and it's after six."
Mike: "It's, like, six-fifteen."
Susan: "Well, see? There you go."
Mike: "I'm sure they just forgot."
Susan: "Well, I have a court order. It's out of my hands."
Mike: "Yeah, it'd still be nice if you gave him a grace period."
Susan: "Oh, I'm being nice. I could have him arrested. I mean, don't get me wrong. I am all for Julie spending time with Karl. He is still her dad, and she loves him."
Mike: "But?"
Susan: "But he's with Edie. I mean, she’s not exactly the maternal type. I wouldn't be a good mother if I wasn't concerned. I mean, who knows what passes for a kid-friendly, good time in there? Drugs? Porn? Smoking?"
They reach Edie’s house and hear singing.
Julie (singing): "Let it shine, shine, shine, let it shine."
Mike: "Doesn't sound like they're having an orgy in there."
Susan and Mike look through Edie’s window and sees Edie sitting on the couch playing the guitar. Karl is standing near Julie who is singing.
Julie (singing): "All through the night, I'm gonna let it shine. All through the night, I'm gonna let it shine."
Mike: "Well, obviously, they saw us coming."
Julie (singing): "Let it shine, shine, shine, let it shine."
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Lynette’s Front Yard – Daytime
Tom and Parker are playing catch. Penny is in the playpen on the porch. Lynette drives up.
Tom: "Woo! That's a strike!"
Lynette: "Hey, guys!"
Parker: "Hey, Mommy."
Tom: "Hey! Look who's here!"
Lynette: "Parker, guess what I got."
Parker: "What?"
Lynette: "School supplies."
Tom: "School supplies!"
Lynette: "Yeah, and the best part of it is I got you a really cool backpack."
Parker: "Whoa, look at that. Pretty neat, huh?"
Parker: "Wow. Thanks."
Lynette: "So on your first day of school, you and your dad can find your cubby and you can hang it up."
Parker: "You're not taking me?"
Lynette: "Actually, your dad's gonna take you to school on your first day."
Tom: "Yeah, just me and you, big guy. I'll be right there to hold your hand."
Parker: "But I thought mommy was taking me."
Lynette: "Yeah, well, honey, I have to work. Mommy's boss is a mean, mean lady and if I miss work, I'll lose my job and then we won't have any money to buy food. Honey, you gotta believe me, if I could be there, you know that I would."
Parker gives the backpack back to Lynette and folds his arms across his chest.
Lynette: "All right. I didn't know it was that important to you. I will talk to my boss and I will see what I can do."
Parker: "Thank you, mommy."
Parker takes back the backpack and goes into the house.
Tom: "Wow, I don't want to rain on your parade, but he just totally manipulated you."
Lynette: "Well, hey, when a kid's that good, you gotta give him his due."
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Police Station
Bree is sitting across from the detective in his office.
Bree: "An autopsy? Detective, Rex died of a heart attack."
Detective: "Well, there were some anomalies in the doctor's report."
Bree: "Anomalies? What anomalies?"
Detective: "Ma'am, I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to discuss this any further with you."
Bree: "Am I a suspect?"
Detective: "I didn't say that."
Bree: "Well, if I am, you're wasting your time. I loved Rex and anyone who knows me will tell you that I was incapable of hurting him."
Detective: "You sure about that?"
Bree: "You talked to Phyllis."
Detective: "Again, I can't discuss the case."
Bree: "She's my mother-in-law. Of course she said horrible things about me."
Detective: "Ma'am, lower your voice."
Bree: "She blamed me for every problem that Rex and I ever had."
Detective: "So there were problems with the marriage?"
Bree: "Well, it was a marriage. Of course there were problems."
Detective: "May I record this just so there's no confusion over your statement?"
Bree: "No, you may not record this."
Detective: "So you refuse to make a statement?"
Bree: "I'm not refusing anything. All I'm saying is stay away from Phyllis. She's a, she's a raving loon."
Detective: "Ma'am, perhaps you'd be more comfortable with an attorney present."
Bree: "You want a statement? Fine, I'll give you a statement."
The detective holds up a tape recorder and presses the record button.
Bree: "My husband died of a heart attack. I loved him very deeply, and your mother did a lousy job."
Bree grabs her purse and storms out of the detective’s office.
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Bree’s House - Daytime
Phyllis, in her bathrobe, comes downstairs slowly, looking sleepy.
"To Bree's way of thinking, there were two kinds of people in the world."
Bree peeks from around the corner. Once Phyllis goes into the kitchen, Bree quietly runs upstairs.
"Those who were useless before their morning coffee…"
Phyllis, barely awake, pours herself a cup of coffee.
"…and those who weren't."
Bree, in Phyllis’ closet, takes out Phyllis' clothes and her suitcase. Bree throws the suitcase on the bed.
Phyllis, eating a piece of toast and holding her coffee, comes out of the kitchen. Bree is at the front door with Phyllis’ bags all packed and Bree is holding Phyllis’ traveling suit and shoes.
Phyllis: "What's going on?"
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Bree’s Front Yard - Daytime
A cab driver, parked by the curb, closes the trunk of his car. Bree has Phyllis by the arm, nearly pushing her toward the cab.
Phyllis: "Don't rush me, Bree! I'm an old woman! Don't rush me."
Phylllis gets in the cab. Bree slams the door.
Bree: "Get her out of here."
As the cab drives away, Phyllis leans out of the window.
Phyllis: "I will tell you one thing: you wouldn't be acting this way if you didn't feel guilty about something!"
Bree waves good-bye to Phyllis.
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Jail Visiting Room
Gabrielle sits at the visitor's table filing her nails.
A buzzer sounds, the door opens and the guard bring Carlos in. Carlos sits and Gabrielle hands him a card.
Carlos: "What's the occasion?"
Gabrielle: "Uh, our anniversary?"
Carlos: "Oh, right."
Gabrielle: "How could you forget our anniversary? You sit in a cell all day long staring at a calendar."
Carlos: "What's the big deal? Our marriage was a sham anyway."
Gabrielle: "Oh, we're not doing this again."
Carlos: "In real marriages, wives are faithful."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, and husbands remember anniversaries, so I guess we're even."
Carlos: "Are you equating forgetting our anniversary with cheating on me?"
Gabrielle: "You are clearly determined to ruin this special day for us."
Carlos: "What is wrong with you that you don't feel guilty?"
Gabrielle: "I feel tons of guilt, so back off."
Carlos: "You never even apologized."
Gabrielle: "I apologized a million times."
Carlos: "Yeah, but you always followed it up with an excuse. ‘I was lonely, you weren't home enough, a woman needs to be loved.’"
Gabrielle: "A woman does need to be loved, and since you didn't give it to me, I had to find it elsewhere."
Carlos: "So that's what the teenager was doing in our bedroom. Filling you with love."
Gabrielle: "Say what you want, but John Rowland loved me like no one ever has. Not as a trophy or as a possession, but for me. He loved me."
Carlos laughs.
Gabrielle: "No, he really did."
Carlos: "Mm-hmm."
Gabrielle: "Let me count the ways. Um, gently, savagely, frequently, upside down..."
Carlos slams his hand on the table. The guard comes over.
Guard: "Is there a problem here?"
Gabrielle: "No, it's our anniversary. We're just reliving the good times."
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Wisteria Lane - Daytime
Gabrielle drives her Aston Martin car into her driveway. Matthew comes up to her.
Matthew: "That's an amazing car. Aston Martin, right?"
Gabrielle: "Uh-huh. Brand-new. Limited edition. A little anniversary present from my husband."
Matthew: "He's very generous."
Gabrielle: "More than he knows."
Gabrielle walks into her house.
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Susan’s House – Julie’s Bedroom
Susan: "I'm sorry. What?"
Julie: "I'm singing at church for the family follies. Edie's going to accompany me on guitar. She's really good."
Susan: "So you and Edie are, are gonna be an act."
Julie: "Is that a problem?"
Susan: "No. No. I mean, I'm a little surprised that you didn't ask me to accompany you first."
Julie: "On what? You don't play an instrument."
Susan: "I play the piano. You know that."
Julie: "How would I know that? I've never seen you play."
Susan: "Well, I played in high school."
Julie: "So the last time you tickled the ivories was sometime in the late seventies?"
Susan: "It was the early eighties. Well, I'm not gonna argue with you. You want to do the show with Edie, and I think that's super. So she's really good, huh?"
Julie: "She knows her guitar. Apparently, there are a lot of musicians in her family, sort of like the Von Trapps."
Susan: "Hmm."
Julie: "Except, you know, her brother OD'd."
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Betty’s House
Betty and Matthew are setting up the meal tray in the kitchen.
Matthew: "All I'm asking you is to go out and play a little bit of ball. Is that such a big deal?"
Betty: "Matthew, you are such an excellent player, darling, that people will want to be your friend. Then next thing you know, God knows who will be wanting to drop by and calling. Sweetie, we need to keep a low profile."
Matthew takes the gun out of the drawer.
Matthew: "Yeah, I know, but I have got to get out of this house sometime. I'm going crazy here, okay?"
As Matthew opens the basement door, the door is pushed violently towards him. Betty falls backward dropping the tray. The man from the basement attacks Matthew, slamming him against the furniture and pushing him down to the floor. The man smashes things around the room and tries to run. Betty trips him and Matthew jumps on top of him. Betty grabs the gun and hits the man hard on the head. The man falls down.
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Betty’s House – Outside
Susan walks up to the front door and rings the bell.
Matthew, still on top of the man, looks toward the front door. Betty puts the gun down on the table, steps over the man and goes to the door.
Betty: "What is it?"
Susan: "Oh, my daughter is singing a song at church and I want to accompany her on the piano and I haven't played in years. Oh, you were just so amazing at Rex's funeral the other day, I was wondering..."
Betty: "I don't give lessons."
Susan: "Oh. Oh, okay.
Susan sees red stains on Betty’s shirt.
Susan: "Oh. You have a little, uh, on your..."
Betty: "I'm baking cherry pie. Excuse me."
Betty goes back into the house and closes the door quickly. Susan walks away. Matthew is standing at the basement door, out of breath. The man is no longer on the floor.
Matthew: "What happened to maintaining a low profile? You keep being rude to everybody, they're gonna start whispering about us."
Betty: "You're right. We do want to fit in."
Betty gets a wet sponge and starts cleaning the blood off the floor.
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Lynette’s Office
Lynette exits her office. Stu is sitting at the desk outside the door.
Stu: "Lynette, check it out."
Lynette looks at the computer screen. A wide open mouth is on the screen.
Stu: "Jason's mouth."
Stu points at Jason who is holding a camera in front of his mouth.
Lynette: "Stu, isn't that the new video conference setup?"
Stu: "Yeah. Isn't the resolution fantastic?"
Lynette walks away, into Nina’s office.
Lynette: "Hey, Nina."
Nina: "Mm-hmm?"
Lynette: "Uh, about tomorrow morning..."
Nina: "Mm-hmm?"
Lynette: "You know how the first hour of the morning meeting is always so slow? 'Cause I've got this thing..."
Nina: "Good god, this is not about your kids again, is it?"
Lynette: "I know, I promised I wouldn't do this, but Parker really needs me to be there on his first day of kindergarten. He's so freaked out I can't be there."
Nina: "I'm sorry. How is this my problem?"
Lynette: "Because we can't escape the fact that I have kids. I love my job, but to be fair, there's gotta be some balance."
Nina: "Okay, how about the people that don't have the kids? Did you ever consider that they might need a little more balance in their lives, hmm? Like, maybe they want to go see a matinee or perhaps they want to come in a little late after a big crazy night out or maybe they just want to get a hair cut, which I, myself, have not been able to do for two months. So, no, this is about fairness to the people who are childless by choice, okay?"
Lynette: "Okay. Good point. And I'm sorry about your hair. I can see why you're upset."
Lynette walks out of Nina’s office. Stu holds the camera in front of Lynette. She knocks his hand away.
Stu: "Open wide."
Lynette: "Not now, Stu. Hang on a sec."
Lynette stops suddenly and looks at the camera.
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Lynette’s House
The computer from Stu’s desk is in on the kitchen table. Parker is holding the camera.
Parker: "I don't understand."
Lynette: "This system is gonna let mommy be with you on your first day of school. The resolution is fantastic."
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Wisteria Lane – Daytime
Gabrielle drives up to a curb to watch John garden someone else’s lawn.
"The next day, Gabrielle decided to cheer herself up with another round of window shopping. But this time, she was taken aback by what was on display."
An older woman comes out of the house John is working at. She approaches John, runs her hand over his back and signals him to come inside. Gabrielle looks shocked. John puts down the hedge trimmer and goes inside. Gabrielle gets out of her car, sneaks up to the window and, amid faint moanings coming from inside, drops her jaw in apparent shock. Gabrielle walks back down the front steps and sees the electric hedge trimmer. She picks it up and starts it.
Later, John comes out the door. The older lady is in her robe. They kiss. Gabrielle watches from across the street, smiles and drives away. John and the lady look at the front yard. All the flowers have been cut off from all of the pots lining the walkway.
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Felicia Tilman’s House – Daytime
Mike knocks at the front door, holding a flowering plant. A bruised and battered Mrs. Tilman opens the door. She is wearing a neck brace.
Mike: "Mrs. Tilman."
Felicia: "Mr. Delfino."
Mike: "I, uh, heard you were back from the hospital. I brought you these."
Felicia: "Oh, I can't tell you how long it's been since I got flowers from a handsome man. I mean, I could, but I don't want your pity."
Felicia comes outside onto the porch. Mike sees her suitcases stacked at the front door.
Mike: "Where are you off to?"
Felicia: "I'm going back to Utah for a few weeks. The recuperation's taking longer than the doctors anticipated. Speaking of my attack, have they caught young Zachary yet?"
Mike: "No, actually, that's why I'm here."
Felicia: "So the flowers were just a ruse. Figures."
Mike: "I'm trying to find Zach before he gets in any more trouble. Do you know any friends that he might have, anywhere he might be holed up? I know you were close to him."
Felicia: "Funny thing. Since he beat me and threw me down the stairs, we just don't stay in touch like we should. Since when do you care so much about Zach Young?"
Mike: "It's complicated."
Felicia: "I'll bet. I'm sure he's out there somewhere trying to find his father, which I trust you made impossible."
Mike: "No, I let Paul go. I couldn't go through with it."
Felicia: "That was a mistake."
Mike: "He will spend the rest of his life running from the police. I think that's punishment enough."
Felicia: "Zach is the only connection that Paul has with his dead wife. At some point, he will run back here looking for him. I don't like to be negative, but you really should have killed him."
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Bree’s House – Nighttime
Bree, Danielle, and Andrew are having dinner.
Bree: "At the risk of ruining a lovely evening, I have some unpleasant news. The police dug up your father today."
Andrew: "What?"
Danielle: "Why?"
Bree: "Well, apparently, they want to do an autopsy. They don't think that he had a heart attack. They think that somebody was poisoning him."
Danielle: "Who would have poisoned daddy?"
Bree: "Well, apparently, I'm a suspect. Well, they always look at spouses first. It has something to with statistics. It's just a formality. I'll be cleared in no time. Would you two please stop looking at me like that? Obviously, I did not kill your father. I loved him deeply."
Danielle: "Yeah, but you and dad had a lot of problems. Everyone knows that."
Bree: "Yes, we had issues, but I would never have hurt him."
Danielle: "What about the night daddy had his second heart attack? You must have loved him a lot to make the bed before taking him to the hospital."
Bree: "I was in shock, Danielle. You know that. Andrew, surely you don't think I murdered your father."
Andrew: "I know you didn't. You're not capable of murder."
Bree: "Thank you."
Andrew: "That wasn't a compliment. It takes guts to kill somebody."
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Betty’s House - Daytime
Susan is playing the piano with Betty standing nearby, watching.
Susan: "Thank you so much for changing your mind about helping me. I really appreciate it."
Betty: "I'm happy to help. And I'm sorry if I seemed rude before. I, I was having a bad day. That's good. That's really good. You might want to lay off the pedal."
Susan: Really? Oh, I thought it made it sound more professional."
Betty: "It doesn't."
Susan keeps playing. Loud hip-hop music begins playing from somewhere within the house.
Susan: "Boy, your son really likes to play his hip-hop music loud."
Betty: "The good news is it drowns out the sound of the dryer. Arch your fingers, Susan."
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Betty’s House – Basement
A stereo sitting on a table plays loudly while Matthew mounts a lock on the basement door using an electric drill.
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Edie’s House
Edie is on the couch playing the guitar while Julie is singing.
Julie (singing): "Let it shine, shine, shine, let it shine."
Susan walks in, clapping.
Susan: "Hi. I'm sorry to interrupt. I knocked, but I guess you guys didn't hear me."
Edie: "No, we heard you. We were just hoping that whoever it was would go away. I'm still hoping that'll happen."
Julie: "What's up, mom?"
Susan: "Well, I have good news. Um, I've been taking piano lessons with Betty Applewhite, and, uh, well, I just thought maybe I could join you guys. You know, like a trio. Doesn't that sound fun?"
Edie: "I don't do trios, but thanks anyway."
Susan: "Well, I don't mean to be technical here, but this show, I mean, it really is supposed to be a family thing, and I hate to point out you're not family."
Edie: "No, but I have talent, and to most audiences, talent trumps family."
Susan: "Well, what makes you so sure I don't have talent?"
Edie: "Hmm, just a hunch."
Susan: "Yeah, well, we've all seen your talent, which is a nice way of telling you why don't you put some curtains on your bedroom window?"
Julie: "Guys!"
Edie: "Oh, come on, be honest. You didn't want any part of this until you found out that I was involved."
Susan: "That is so not true!"
Edie: "Oh, yes, it is. It burns you that your own daughter picked me over you."
Susan: "She did not pick you. It just didn't occur to her that I would agree to do it. Well, now she knows, and if she had it to do over again, she'd pick me."
Edie: "No, she wouldn't."
Susan: "Well, why don't we put it to a test? Julie, who would you rather have play with you?"
Julie: "Oh, no, no, no, no."
Susan: "No, it's okay, honey. Who do you want to be with you in the family talent show?"
Edie: "Yes, who do you want with you in front of all of those people? And remember, it's a church. They are going to be judging you."
Julie: "Oh, okay. Well, first of all, you both suck, but if I had to choose, I guess I'd pick my mom. Sorry, Edie."
Edie: "Fair enough. I'd like my pitch pipe back, please."
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Gabrielle’s House – Daytime
Gabrielle walks down the sidewalk to get her mail. John comes up to her.
John: "It was you, wasn't it?"
Gabrielle: "Hello, John. Long time, no see."
John: "One of the neighbors saw an Aston Martin driving away" (points to Gabrielle’s car) "and what do you know?"
Gabrielle: "Well, someone had to tend to the yard. You were busy elsewhere."
John: "You saw us?"
Gabrielle: "Yes, and I have to say she's old enough to be your mother. Hell, she's old enough to be my mother."
John: "Joan's only forty-one."
Gabrielle: "Joan? You're calling her Joan?"
John: "Why shouldn't I? She's my friend."
Gabrielle: "I know your friends, and I have a hunch you don't do to your friends what I saw you doing to that wrinkly old lady."
John: "Okay, so you caught me doing it with somebody else. What's the big deal?"
Gabrielle: "You're supposed to be in love with me."
John: "What?"
Gabrielle: "How many times did you say it? How many times did you whisper in my ear, ‘you're the only woman I'll ever love’?"
John: "I don't know. A bunch."
Gabrielle: "So were you lying to me? Were you just trying to get me into bed?"
John: "No, of course not. I loved you, but we broke up."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, like five minutes ago! Haven't you ever heard of a mourning period?"
John: "I know it seems quick, but I have feelings for her. In fact, I think I may be in love with her."
Gabrielle: "Oh, my god."
She clutches her stomach.
John: "What's the matter? Is it the baby?"
Gabrielle: "No. Oh, no, no. It's me. I am beyond stupid."
Gabrielle sits on her front steps.
John: "You're not stupid."
Gabrielle: "Oh, no, I am. Yesterday, I was still fantasizing that it could work with you, that a one-bedroom apartment might be cozy."
John: "Mrs. Solis, please."
Gabrielle: "Oh, my god. I almost left my husband for someone who calls me Mrs. Solis."
John: "So, are you upset because you want to get back together? Because I can break up with Joan."
Gabrielle: "That's okay, sweetie. I'm good."
John: "So this is it for us? ‘Cause I really feel like we should end it better than this."
Gabrielle: "Actually, John, given how stupid both of us have been, this an entirely appropriate ending."
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Police Station
Bree, Andrew and Danielle enter the Detective’s office.
Detective: "Mrs. Van de Kamp. What can I do for you?"
Bree: "I would like to submit myself to a lie detector test to eliminate any uncertainty about what happened with my husband."
Detective: "Are you sure you don't want a lawyer present?"
Bree: "I'll waive all that. My only stipulation is that I want my children to be able to see me answer the questions."
Detective: "I think we can accommodate you."
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Investigation Room
Bree is connected to a lie detector. The Detective, Andrew and Danielle are watching through a one-way mirror.
Technician: "Is your name Bree Van de Kamp?"
Bree: "Yes."
Technician: "Were you married to Rex Van de Kamp?"
Bree: "Yes."
Technician: "Did you and your husband temporarily separate last year?"
Bree: "Yes."
Technician: "Did you kill your husband?"
Bree (emphatically): "No."
Bree looks at the lie detector screen. The line remains even.
Technician: "Do you know a man named George Williams?"
Bree: "Yes."
Technician: "During your separation from your husband, did you have a relationship with Mr. Williams?"
Bree: "What does that have to do with anything?"
Technician: "Just yes or no responses, please."
Bree: "Well, I'm not gonna respond to something that's none of your business."
The detective enters the room.
Detective: "Mrs. Van de Kamp, if you want us to take this polygraph seriously, answer the questions we ask, okay?"
The detective leaves the room.
Danielle: "Who's George Williams?"
Andrew: "He's our pharmacist."
Technician: "During your separation, did you have a relationship with Mr. Williams?"
Bree: "Yes."
Bree looks at the screen. The line remains unchanged.
Technician: "Are you in love with Mr. Williams?"
Bree: "What? "
Technician: "Are you in love with Mr. Williams?"
Bree: "No"
Bree looks at the screen. The lines are spiked.
Bree: "Um, I, I was thinking of something else just then, so why don't you ask me the question again?"
Technician: "Are you in love with Mr. Williams?"
Bree: "No."
The lines on the screen are spiked all the way to the top of the screen.
Danielle: "Did you see that?"
Andrew: "Yeah. I saw it."
Bree looks at the mirror. Andrew walks away.
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Wisteria Lane – Daytime
Betty is taking flowers out of her SUV. Susan walks up with sheet music.
Betty: "Hello, Susan. Are you ready for your lesson?"
Susan: "Yep, I am. I think I'm going to make another push for using that pedal. I think it adds grandeur."
As they walk to Betty’s house, a car screeches up with the horn honking.
Karl: "I want to talk to you!"
Susan: "I'm busy now."
Karl: "I cannot believe you kicked Edie out of Julie's performance!"
Susan: "I did not kick Edie out. Julie made that call."
Karl: "Because you played the mom card."
Susan: "Well, it is a family recital, and Edie is not family."
Karl: "One day, she could be."
Susan: "Oh, don't even joke like that."
Karl: "How about your plumber-slash-convicted murderer, huh? He seems to keep popping up at "family" events."
Susan: "It was not murder, it was manslaughter, and that's totally different. Mike and I aren't even living together, and he cares about Julie."
Karl: "Well, so does Edie, huh? She was really looking forward to performing with Julie."
Susan: "If you think Edie Britt cares about anybody other than herself, you are living in a fool's paradise. You don't know her the way I do, and the only reason she's interested in Julie is to mess with my head."
Karl: "Hey, that's both crazy and self-absorbed. That's a twofer! Way to go! Whether you choose to believe it or not, they're both great together, and if you don't believe me, ask Julie."
Karl gets in his car and drives away.
Susan: "I'm sorry you had to witness that."
Betty: "Oh, that's okay, hon. I have lived my share of family knock-down drag-outs."
Susan: "Well, I hope it wasn't as ugly as me and Karl."
Betty: "You'd be surprised."
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Lynette’s Office
Lynette sits at her desk, setting up the video conferencing system. Parker and Tom are on the computer screen.
Lynette: "Parker, honey, can you hear me? Tom, why isn't he talking?"
Tom: "Um, honey, there are a lot of kids here. He's a little stressed. Parker, say hi, say hi."
Parker: "Mommy?"
Lynette: "Oh, hey, honey, this is so exciting. Your first day of school. You're going to make so many friends."
Nina sticks her head in the door.
Nina: "Lynette, staff meeting, now."
Lynette: "Uh, right, yeah. I'm going to be right there."
Nina: "Now. Now, now, now!"
Nina walks out and puts her coffee cup on Stu’s desk.
Nina: "Stu, this coffee, it's cold."
Lynette: "Honey, I'm gonna be right back."
Parker: "Mommy? Where are you going?"
Lynette: "Right back."
Parker: "Mommy, come back!"
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Conference Room
The staff is sitting around a large table.
Nina: "Okay, let's turn to page five."
Lynette: "Damn. I forgot my prospectus. Any extra copies? No? Oh, I'll be right back."
Lynette gets up and rushes out of the room.
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Lynette’s Office
Lynette: "Hi, I'm back. How's he doing?"
Tom: "Um, um, honey, he's upset because he wanted to show you his cubby. You left."
Lynette: "Oh, honey, I'm here. I'm here. You can show me your cubby now."
Stu sticks in head in Lynette’s office.
Stu: "Nina found extra copies. She wants you back now."
Lynette: "Okay. I'll be back in two seconds, sweetie."
Parker: "Mommy! Mommy! Don't go!"
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Conference Room
Lynette sits at the table with the other staff members.
Nina: "So the big issue here is second-quarter billing."
Lynette gets up and starts leaving the room.
Nina: "Where are you going?"
Lynette: "Ladies’ room."
Nina: "No."
Lynette: Nina, nature is calling."
Nina: "Lynette, hold it for ten minutes. We have to get through this."
Lynette sits down again.
Nina: "What I'd like to do is trade out the invoicing structure. Let's take a look at our graphs on page ten, please."
"Lynette had been struggling to balance her career and her family. She finally saw an opportunity to tip the scales in her favor."
Nina drinks from her coffee cup, then sets it down on a folder. Lynette sees that the cup is tilted and near the edge of the table.
Nina: "Instead of badgering clients with invoices on the shorter term campaigns, I say we bill on delivery."
Lynette: "Yes!"
Lynette hits the able hard. The cup moves closer to the edge.
Lynette: "Bill on delivery, yes!"
She hits the table again. The cup moves to the edge of the table.
Nina: "Are you having a seizure?"
Lynette: "No, no, I'm just, I'm very excited. It's a really good plan. Yeah."
Nina: "Now, what happened on the Burman account is that they were sent duplicate bills by Tina and Ron in accounting and I'm not pointing any fingers, but Tina, Ron, about walking in and seeing all my lines lit up with disgruntled.."
Lynette sits back in her chair and lifts the table up with her knee. The coffee cup falls into Nina’s lap. She jumps up.
Nina: "Aah! Ohh! Hot! Hot! Help. Stu! Aah! Aah!"
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Lynette’s Office
Lynette: "And that's why we packed you extra cookies so you could share with all your new friends, remember?"
Parker: "Uh-huh."
Tom: "I think we're good to go now, honey."
Lynette: "You're gonna be great, Parker. I love you."
Parker: "I love you, too, mommy."
Lynette throws a kiss to Parker and turns the screen off. She spins in her office chair and sees the staff hovering around Nina, who is holding ice packs to her inner thighs.
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Pharmacy – Daytime
Bree enters and walks up to the pharmacy counter.
George: "Bree, hi. What can I do for you?"
Bree: "Well, for starters, you can help me prove to the police that we didn't conspire to kill my husband."
George: "Okay."
Bree: "So because of the anomalies in Rex's blood, the police started to wonder if I'd been poisoning Rex."
George: "That's absurd. Lots of things can cause high potassium levels: renal failure, low sodium."
Bree: "Well, that's why I took the polygraph, to prove to them that I was innocent."
George: "Obviously, you passed."
Bree: "Sort of. Well, I think the police now have a different theory, which is if I wasn't poisoning Rex on my own, then maybe you were helping me."
George: "You're kidding."
Bree: "No, that's why I need you to take the polygraph, too."
George: What? "
Bree: "It's the quickest way to prove to the police that they're wrong."
George: "I. I don't understand. We're just friends. Why would the police assume that people in a platonic relationship would want to murder someone?"
Bree: "Um, um, during the test, they asked me some questions about you and, um, us and whether we had a relationship and I said yes, because it's true. And then they asked me something else, something I hadn't considered."
George: "Which was?"
Bree: "They asked me if I loved you."
George: "What did you say?"
Bree: "I said no."
George: "Oh."
Bree: "But according to the polygraph, that wasn't exactly true."
George: "Well, I don't, I don't know if that means anything. Polygraphs aren't completely reliable."
Bree: "I think perhaps the machine picked up on something, something that I wasn't aware of."
George: "Wow."
Bree: "That's why I need you to take the test and answer the detective's questions, because I'm not going to know exactly how I feel until we put this behind us, but then, once we do..."
George: "We can move on."
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Church
Emcee: "Can those Chicorelli sisters dance or what? Wow, look out Broadway! Now don't forget that we will have cookies and juice set up in the basement after we're done here. We want to see you all there. And for our next act, please welcome the musical stylings of Julie and Susan Mayer."
The audience applauds.
Susan and Julie come out on stage. Julie goes to the microphone and Susan sits at the piano. After a couple of seconds of silence, Susan gets up and whispers in Julie’s ear.
Susan: "I'll be right back." (into the microphone) "Oh, um, I'm just gonna need a couple of seconds, so feel free to pray."
Susan runs down to Edie in the audience sitting next to Karl.
Susan: "The other day when I saw you making music with my family, I got a little jealous and I went a little crazy and I pushed you out. Seeing you sitting here today, well, I can see how much you care about Julie, and she comes first, and it should be you up there playing with her, not me. So I'm sorry."
Karl: "Thank you, Susan."
Edie: "How convenient that you decided this after I showed up without my guitar."
Susan: "Well, like I said, I'm sorry. I wish it could be you up there."
Edie: "You know, I play piano."
Later…
Emcee: "And so let's all welcome Julie Mayer and her Aunt Edie."
The audience applauds. Susan sits next to Karl, while Edie is at the piano. She begins to play.
Karl: "You did a good thing."
Susan: "Yeah, well, I try."
Edie plays the piano off-key. Julie cringes as she begins to sing.
Julie (singing): "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine."
Julie turns to look at Edie.
Edie: "Ohh, give me a break. This thing has, like, ninety flats in it."
Susan: "Poor Julie."
Karl: "Stop it. You're loving this."
Susan: "No, not at all."
Susan pushes the camera Karl is holding up to film.
Julie (singing): "Let it shine, shine, shine let it shine."
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Jail Visiting Room
Carlos enters. He sits across from Gabrielle.
Carlos: "So, they said you needed to see me. What is it? What's going on?"
Gabrielle: "Um, I've been thinking, you know, about, um, everything that happened with John, and, and, um, I was really selfish and stupid. And I'm sorry. I really am sorry. That's all I had to say, really."
Carlos: "You know what? That is the best anniversary gift that you've ever given me."
Carlos reaches across the table and holds Gabrielle’s hand.
Gabrielle: "Really?"
Carlos: "Yeah."
Gabrielle: "Actually, the one you gave me is really nice, too."
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Wisteria Lane – Daytime
Chloe Pendergrass holds her tea party with her friends.
"Everyone enjoys a game of make-believe now and then. Of course, the ways in which we play can vary greatly."
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Lynette’s Office
Lynette picks up a framed picture of her and Parker from her desk.
"Sometimes we tell ourselves work won't interfere with our family life."
Nina sticks her head in the door.
Nina: "Lynette, staff meeting, now."
Lynette: "Yeah."
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Wisteria Lane – Daytime
"Sometimes, we imagine certain relationships to be more meaningful than they really are."
John is mowing a lawn. Gabrielle jogs by. John waves to her, but Gabrielle doesn’t respond.
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Betty’s House
"Occasionally, we put on a show, as if to convince ourselves our secrets aren't really all that terrible."
Matthew and Betty are preparing the meal tray. Matthew gets the gun.
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Police Station
Bree and the Detective are standing on the glass side of the one-way mirror into the investigation room.
"Yes, the game of make-believe is a simple one."
Inside the room, George is taking a lie detector test.
Technician: "Did you know Rex Van de Kamp?"
George: "Yes."
Technician: "Did Mrs. Van de Kamp ask you to poison her husband?"
George: "No."
Technician: "Did you poison Rex Van de Kamp?"
"You start by lying to yourself..."
George: "No."
The line on the polygraph is unchanged.
"And if you can get others to believe those lies, you win."
George smiles.
~ The End ~
