Teaser
"Throughout even the most respectable of neighborhoods, you can hear the sound of scandal..."
Ida Greenberg picks up a newspaper from a front walk and looks around guiltily. Then she sneaks quickly back to her own house while Bree comes out her house, holding a coffee cup.
"Some scandals announce themselves with a shout..."
Bree: "Ida! Ida Greenberg,that is not your paper!"
Cut to Tom signing a paper on a clipboard while a cable guy stands next to him.
"Some with a whisper..."
Cable Guy: "Throw me a $20, and I'll hook you up with free porn."
Tom glances back at the house, then looks at the cable guy.
Cut to kids toilet-papering a house. They've covered nearly the entire front of the house when a man comes outside holding a shotgun.
"And some with bang."
Man: "Get the hell off my lawn!"
He shoots the gun up into the air as the kids scatter.
Cut to Maisy Gibbons' house. Wearing sexy lingerie, she leads a gray-haired man up the stairs and into the bedroom.
"And once in a great while, there comes a scandal so deliciously sordid, its roar drowns out all other noise."
Man: "So your husband -- does he have any idea how many men pay for the privilege of sleeping in this bed?"
He hands her some money and she tucks it away into a small box by the bed.
Maisy: "There's not a lot of sleeping going on - not if I'm doing my job right. So how do you want to get started?"
He pulls out handcuffs and holds them up.
Man: "With these."
Maisy: "Well! That's going to cost you extra."
Man: "Maisy Gibbons, you're under arrest for solicitation."
Maisy: "What?"
Man: "Please turn and place your hands on the bed."
Maisy: "I'm sorry. I'm -- I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Now."
He grabs her and forces her face down on the bed, putting the handcuffs on her.
Maisy: "Hey! Aah! You get off me!"
The man leads Maisy outside, where a handful of cops wait by a couple of squad cars.
Maisy: "This is entrapment."
Man: "Right."
Maisy: "You all are making a gigantic mistake."
Man: "Yeah, yeah. Hey, fellas, here's one for your memoirs."
Maisy breaks away from him and begins running down the sidewalk. The cops chase after her and when she trips and falls on her face, they pick her up, holding her off of the ground as she screams and shouts at them. Neighbors stand around, watching.
"Yes, the scandalous arrest of Maisy Gibbons would soon prove to be the shot heard 'round the world."
One of the neighbors watching pulls out her cell phone and flips it open.
Maisy is forced into the back of a cop car and the cops get into the front seat. She stares out the window.
"It is often said that good news travels fast, but as every housewife knows, bad news moves quite a bit faster."
The woman who pulled out her cell phone earlier dials a number.
Woman: "Tisha? Hey. You are not going to believe this. Maisy Gibbons was arrested."
Tisha: "You cannot be serious."
The news travels very quickly throughout the neighborhood.
Barcliff Academy
The crossing guard walks distractedly across the street, on her cell phone.
Crossing Guard: "Maisy Gibbons running in handcuffs? I'd've killed to see that!"
She walks past Lynette's car. Lynette turns to Parker, sitting in the back seat.
Lynette: "I'll be right back."
She walks up to the front of the school, where some mothers are standing and a school official is talking to them.
Headmaster Lenz: "Ladies, please calm down, ma'am. This is just a precaution. If you'll just take a flyer..."
Lynette walks up to two other women, Tammy and Mona.
Lynette: "Hey, guys. What's going on?"
Tammy: "Oh, there's been an outbreak of head lice."
Lynette: "Head lice."
Headmaster Lenz: "These flyers detail all the important information concerning the situation, including the recommended delousing combs."
Tammy: "Delousing? Do they have to make it sound so disgusting?"
Mona: "Does anybody know where it started?"
Headmaster Lenz: "I'm sorry. That's confidential information. Barcliff maintains a strict no-blame policy."
Preston and Porter walk out of the school and Lynette waves to them.
Lynette: "Hey, guys, over here."
Mona: "I think parents have a right to know who brought this into our school."
As the boys walk toward her, they both begin scratching their heads.
Headmaster Lenz: "Please calm down, ma'am. Our position is that there's nothing to be gained by pointing fingers."
Tammy notices Lynette's intense gaze at her children and turns to see what she's looking at.
Headmaster Lenz: "To identify the child who initiated the outbreak might result in him or her being subjected to ridicule."
Tammy sees the twins scratching and turns a meaningful gaze onto Mona, who catches sight of them as well. Lynette, distracted, keeps her eyes on her boys.
Lynette: "I, um, excuse me."
Headmaster Lenz: "If you'll just take a flyer..."
Lynette: "Stop scratching. Stop scratching. Now, now, stop it. Guys, let's go, okay? Stop scratching. I mean it. Stop, stop."
Lynette: "Hey. See you later."
Tammy and Mona: "Bye."
They watch Lynette and her boys walk away from them.
Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle is in the shower when Carlos walks into the bathroom. He sips from a cup of coffee and looks down at the sink, which is slowly filling up, from the drain, with brown-colored liquid.
Carlos: "What the hell? Gabrielle!"
Gabrielle: "What?"
Carlos: "Hey, Gabrielle! I think we got a problem here!"
Gabrielle: "I can't hear you!"
Carlos: "I said, I think we got a problem! The water's backing up here!"
Gabrielle: "What?"
Carlos (to himself): "Is that sewage?"
Gabrielle starts screaming from the shower.
Carlos: "Yeah, that's sewage."
Outside Gabrielle's House
Carlos and Gabrielle stand next to a large hole that Mike dug in their front yard. Mike stands in the hole.
Gabrielle: "So, uh, Mike. The suspense is killing us. Why don't you just tell us the bad news?"
Mike: "Well, your outtake pipe's completely corroded. That's why it collapsed. I'm gonna have to tear it out and repipe the whole system."
Gabrielle: "And how much is this gonna cost?"
Mike: "I'll do the job for you at cost, but you're still looking at six, seven grand, minimum."
Gabrielle looks at Carlos and he clears his throat quietly.
Gabrielle: "Okay, well, we'll let you know."
Mike: "Look, um...if money's an issue..."
Gabrielle: "Oh, no, no, no, it's not the money. It's just, uh, Carlos and I are trying to prioritize some little things we need to do around the house."
Mike: "Right. And, uh, you don't consider sewage backing up in the house a priority?"
Gabrielle: "It's definitely on the short list."
Mike: "I'm kind of surprised you called me."
Gabrielle: "Why?"
Mike: "Well, um, ever since my arrest, nobody around here seems to want to have much to do with me."
Carlos chuckles and lifts a leg slightly, showing Mike the detector that's around his ankle.
Carlos: "Innocent until proven guilty, my man."
They turn and walk back into the house.
Gabrielle: "Hope he's more innocent than you are."
Susan's House
Susan pushes the Play button on her answering machine.
Lynette's Voice: "Hey, it's Lynette. I know you're down about this Mike thing, but you got to come to poker. It'll be worth it. I got dirt on Maisy Gibbons."
The machine goes to the next message.
Mike's Voice: "Hey, Susan, it's me. Look, I really wish you'd return my calls. We need to talk. I know I messed things --"
Susan pushes the Erase button, cutting him off.
Julie: "You okay?"
Susan: "Hi."
Julie: "You know, I can stay home if you want."
Susan: "No, no, no. Now, I know how much you were looking forward to this weekend with your dad. I'm fine."
Julie: "You don't look fine."
Susan: "Well...I'm a little sad. Mike and I were just a fling. And not even a full fling. Sort of a borderline fling."
Julie: "Mom, anyone can see how much you loved him."
Susan: "Well, I also loved junk food, and I gave that up, and I survived."
A horn honks from outside.
Susan: "There's your father. Go have fun."
Julie: "Last chance. You're sure?"
Susan: "I'm sure. Now go."
Julie: "You'll find someone else, mom. Someone great. I know it."
Fairview Country Club
Rex and Bree sit at a table eating lunch.
Bree: "What's wrong, Rex? Didn't you enjoy your golf game with Dr. Wallace?"
Rex: "I didn't play. I'm still feeling sluggish."
Bree: "Still? Did you talk to him about that?"
Rex: "Yeah, of course. He doesn't understand why the medication isn't working, and he wants me to come in for a checkup tomorrow."
Some women laughing at the next table cause the two of them to turn and look. Tisha walks away from that table and heads to another one.
Bree: "I can see that Tisha is making the rounds. She must have some juicy new anecdote."
Rex: "Then, get her over here. I could use a funny story today."
Bree: "Tisha. Tisha. Oh, I can tell by that look on your face you've got something good. Now, come on, don't be selfish."
Tisha: "Well, first off, you're not friends with Maisy Gibbons, are you?"
There's a short pause as Rex and Bree stare at each other before Bree turns back to Tisha.
Bree: "No."
Tisha: "Thank god, because this is too good. Maisy was arrested. While Harold was at work, she was having sex with men in her house for money. Can you imagine?"
Bree: "No, I can't."
Tisha: "And that's not even the best part. Word is, she had a little black book with all her clients' names."
Rex: "So, uh...you think that'll get out?"
Tisha: "Of course. These things always do. Nancy, wait up. I can't wait to tell you this. Wait, wait."
She rushes off.
Bree: "Well, you heard your funny story, Rex. Why aren't you laughing?"
Lynette's House
Lynette and Tom stand over a twin, combing out any and all lice that they find. The telephone rings.
Tom: "I'll get it."
He quickly tosses a louse into a cup of water on the table and picks up the phone. One of the twins reaches for the glass.
Lynette: "Aah, aah, aah."
Tom: "Hello. Hi, Tammy, yeah."
Twin: "Can we see one of the bugs?"
Lynette: "Yeah, here. See? It's this little white thing. Look. It looks like a --"
She sees that the twin she had been working on took the tweezers and clamped them on his face.
Lynette: "Aw, jeez. (she removes the tweezers) It looks like a sesame seed."
Twin: "That's cool."
Lynette: "Yeah, well, there's lots more where that came from."
Tom: "No, I'm -- I'm so sorry. He must be so disappointed. But, look, we'll get all the boys together once Topher's back on his feet. Bye."
Lynette: "What'd Tammy want?"
Tom: "She's canceling Topher's birthday party on Sunday. He's come down with the measles, so..."
Twin: "Aww!"
Lynette: "Measles, huh?"
Tom: "Yeah. What?"
Lynette: "Tammy Brennan spent a fortune on Topher's party. She'd call in specialists from Switzerland before she'd let it be canceled."
Tom: "Okay. Why would Tammy lie to us?"
Lynette: "Because she saw Porter scratching his head at school. They all did, and now word's getting around."
Tom: "Why is everything a conspiracy theory with you? I mean, lots of kids get lice. It's not that big a deal."
Lynette: "Well, it is for the rich bee-eye-tee-see-atch's..."
Tom looks exasperated as he quickly covers the ears of the twin he's working on.
Lynette: "...at Barcliff Academy."
Tom: "Lynette."
Lynette: "It's been one day, and they've been disinvited to a birthday party. If rumors start flying, these boys can kiss campouts and pool parties goodbye."
Twin: "Uh-oh."
Lynette: "Yeah, not so cool now, huh?"
Paul's House
Edie hands Paul a folder with papers in it.
Edie: "It's all here. Appraisal, title search, and escrow documents. "
Paul: "Again, I'm sorry about changing my mind, but this just isn't really a good time to sell the house. Zach's going through a lot, and he wants to finish high school before moving."
Edie: "Ah, forget it. It's part of the business. I expect to get screwed over."
As they walk down the sidewalk towards Edie's car, she opens her briefcase.
Edie: "Now, where is your house key? Oh, I must have left it at home. I'll bring it by tonight."
Paul: "No one will be here. Zach's away on a school trip, and I'm going to Mount Pleasant on business today. Just, uh, drop it by tomorrow."
Edie: "Or I could just keep it."
Paul: "What?"
Edie: "It's a joke, Paul. I know your wife's dead and all, but it's been six months. Lighten up."
She walks to her car and Felicia comes down the sidewalk towards them.
Felicia: "Hello."
Paul: "Felicia."
Edie: "Oh, hi, Felicia."
Felicia: "Edie, I found this in my sister's things. It has your name on it."
Edie (gasps): "My necklace. Oh, you know...I lent this to Martha three months ago, and she said that it went down the drain. Oh, I miss how we used to steal things from one another."
Paul: "So, Felicia. I heard they have a suspect in your sister's murder. Mike Delfino."
Felicia: "Oh, he didn't kill her."
Paul: "But they found her jewelry in his garage."
Felicia: "But his fingerprints weren't on any of it."
Paul: "Well, that just means he wore gloves."
Felicia: "So, he's smart enough to use gloves, but he leaves her blood-spattered jewelry lying around for anyone to find? Please. Is that what you'd do if you killed someone?"
Paul: "I don't know what goes through the mind of a murderer. I'm just saying I wouldn't trust him if I were you."
Edie finishes putting the necklace around her neck and after a moment of staring thoughtfully at Paul, Felicia turns to her.
Felicia: "Edie...that is lovely. Is it an antique?"
Edie: "Yeah, I think so."
Felicia: "You know, I know a store you would love. It specializes in antique jewelry. It's in Salt Lake City. Have you ever been to Salt Lake City?"
Edie: "No, I try to steer clear of Utah. It's a little too...conservative for me."
Felicia: "Too bad. Have you ever been, Paul?"
Paul: "No."
Felicia: "It's lovely. I used to live there when I was a nurse. You should definitely go sometime."
She chuckles.
Felicia: "Bye."
She leaves, with Paul and Edie staring after her.
Lynette's House, bathroom
Gabrielle hurriedly brushes her teeth. A little later, she uses a washcloth to give herself a quick sponge bath on her arms and neck. After making herself look presentable, she takes the washcloth she was using and tosses it to the side.
"With no indoor plumbing, Gabrielle was now forced to improvise when it came to her personal hygiene wherever and whenever she had the opportunity."
A few minutes later, she enters Lynette's kitchen and sits down at the table, where she picks up her cards and reaches for some food in the center of the table.
Gabrielle: "Ahem. Sorry."
Edie: "That's okay. I was just about to give a Maisy Gibbons update."
Lynette: "Guys, we should be ashamed of ourselves for reveling in that woman's misery. That being said, Edie, please continue."
Edie: "Well, I hear from a very reliable source that Maisy's gonna cut a deal with the prosecution. Apparently, she has some high-profile johns, and the D.A.'s looking for a second term."
Lynette: "I don't get it. I don't get who would pay Maisy for sex."
Gabrielle: "Obviously, someone who's not getting it at home."
Edie: "So, the upshot is Maisy is going to turn over her little black book with all of her clients' names."
Lynette: "Really."
Edie: "Yep. I mean, can you imagine the fallout when this goes public? Ooh, blood on the walls."
Gabrielle: "I'm all in."
Lynette: "I'll call. Bree? "
Bree: "Uh, what just happened?"
Lynette: "The stakes were raised."
Bree: "Yes, yes, they were. I fold."
Later, Lynette cleans up while Edie sits at the table, organizing the chips she won.
Lynette: "I can't believe how lucky you were today."
Edie: "Luck had nothing to do with it. I had crappy cards. I was bluffing the entire time."
Lynette: "Really? Wow, you're good."
Edie: "Oh, that's the only nice thing I could say about my first husband -- he taught me how to bluff."
Lynette: "He played poker?"
Edie: "No, he was lousy in bed. I had to fake a lot of orgasms. You don't have to respond."
Lynette: "Thank you."
Edie: "So, uh, where was Susan today?"
Lynette: "Um, I'm not sure."
Edie: "Wow! Tom must be great in bed."
Lynette: "Huh?"
Edie: "Well, obviously, you have no idea how to bluff."
Lynette: "Okay. She's going through something, and I'm sure she'd prefer it to be private."
Edie: "She's upset with Mike, isn't she? Well, come on. I'm gonna find out sooner or later."
Lynette: "She's devastated about the breakup, and she hasn't left the house in days."
Edie: "Well, why didn't you just tell me that?"
Lynette: "Because it's personal. It's the kind of thing she would only want me to tell her friends."
Edie: "I'm Susan's friend. Well, I don't hate her."
Lynette: "Edie, if you want me to share stuff with you, you're gonna have to start being more supportive of Susan."
Edie: "Okay. How?"
Lynette: "What do friends do? They call, they're sympathetic, they ask about the pain the other person is going through, and then they listen."
Edie: "What if you want to be supportive, but you just can't stand listening to people bitch?"
Lynette: "Then it's good to know how to bluff."
Paul's House
Paul opens up a box that has a large jumble of video tapes in it. He roots through it until he finds one labeled "Utah - Angela's Award Party." He goes to the VCR and puts the tape in. On it, Mary Alice is with a group of people at work. She hands out napkins, grinning, as they all offer congratulations to her.
Paul, watching, smiles. Mary Alice holds up a plaque to the camera that reads "Wake Forrest Employee of the Year." The camera pulls back and pans slightly to the left, where a younger-looking Felicia is standing next to Mary Alice, smiling as she looks at the plaque. Paul quickly pauses the videotape and it stops on Felicia's face as she congratulates Mary Alice.
Gabrielle's House, backyard
Sitting by the jacuzzi, Gabrielle and Carlos perform their ablutions. Carlos, wearing only pants, is shaving, using a small mirror to see himself, and Gabrielle, wearing a bikini, shaves her legs, using the jacuzzi to wash the razor.
Gabrielle: "God, I have to go to the bathroom again."
Carlos: "Go to Bree's."
Gabrielle: "I've been to Bree's twice today."
Carlos: "Then go to Susan's."
Gabrielle: "I hate Susan's. She has all these weird scented candles. Her house reeks of apricot. Hose."
Carlos turns the hose on her legs and she shrieks slightly when the water hits her.
Carlos: "How about Lynette's?"
Gabrielle: "No, you don't understand. I don't want to go to anybody's house anymore. I'm tired of knocking on doors and making up excuses as to why we haven't fixed our plumbing."
Carlos: "Why are you yelling at me?"
Gabrielle: "Because it's your fault."
Carlos: "My fault?"
Gabrielle: "Yes. If you hadn't gotten yourself indicted, we would have pipes right now."
Carlos: "I got indicted trying to make enough money to keep you happy. In case you hadn't noticed, you're a little materialistic."
Gabrielle: "Oh, I'm materialistic? When the Johnson's bought their new 7-series, you were the one who went right in and traded in his car for something better."
Carlos: "Who ended up driving it?"
Gabrielle wraps a towel around herself and then dumps a small load of laundry into the jacuzzi.
Gabrielle: "You know what? I don't have time to fight right now. I have laundry to do."
She turns on the jacuzzi so that bubbles are released into the water, swishing the clothing around. She stalks off.
Barcliff Academy
Lynette comes up to a closed nurse's office in the school. She opens the door and peeks her head in.
Lynette: "Nurse Abigail?"
Nurse Abigail: "Mrs. Scavo, right? The twins' mother?"
Lynette: "I just wanted to tell you that the boys are now lice-free."
Nurse Abigail: "Good to hear."
Lynette steps fully into the office and closes the door behind her.
Lynette: "I just can't figure out how it happened. They get a bath every night. Trust me, it's the ugliest 15 minutes of the day."
Nurse Abigail: "I believe you."
Lynette: "I keep thinking that maybe it was the petting zoo that I took them to last week. That llama was really iffy."
Nurse Abigail: "Mrs. Scavo, it doesn't work that way. Lice only spreads from human to human. Even the cleanest kid in the world can get it if he gets too close to the wrong kid."
Lynette: "Really?"
Nurse Abigail: "Yes. So don't be so hard on yourself, huh?"
Lynette: "I guess. Still, I can't help but feel a little guilty. After all, my kids started an entire lice outbreak."
Nurse Abigail: "Look, your, uh, your kids didn't start it."
Lynette: "They didn't?"
Nurse Abigail: "No. I know for a fact that patient zero was another little boy. This is his fourth time with this particular problem."
Lynette: "Oh. That is a load off my mind. Well, thank you."
She heads back towards the door, then turns around.
Lynette: "So which kid is it?"
Nurse Abigail: "I can't tell you. You know we have a no-blame policy. We have to protect the children. You understand."
Lynette: "Of course."
She turns to the door, then turns back around.
Lynette: "No, I don't. You're going to have to give me a name."
Nurse Abigail: "Mrs. Scavo --"
Lynette: "Here's the thing. Acting like parents won't assign blame is like pretending they don't keep score at pee-wee league games. It's human nature. If you don't give the moms someone to blame, they'll pick a scapegoat. I can't let my boys be the scapegoat."
Nurse Abigail: "Please don't put me in this position."
Lynette: "I'm begging you. They've already been uninvited from a birthday party, a really big birthday party with a bouncy house and a hot dog stand and a clown."
Nurse Abigail: "I wish I could help you, but --"
Lynette: "For god's sakes, there's gonna be a magician. Tammy Brennan went all out."
Nurse Abigail: "Tammy Brennan? Topher's mother?"
Lynette: "Yes."
Nurse Abigail: "Well, isn't that interesting. Have a seat."
Fairview County Prison
A buzzer sounds and Maisy Gibbons, in orange prison scrubs, is led into a room where prisoners meet with visitors.
"Meanwhile, at the Fairview County Prison, Maisy Gibbons was delighted to find out she had a visitor, but she was soon reminded one should always beware of visitors bearing gift baskets."
The visitor's door opens and a close up of a decorated gift basket being held is shown.
Maisy: "You've got to be kidding me."
Bree: "Hello, Maisy."
Wisteria Lane
Gabrielle jogs down the street. She slows when she sees a construction site, with men working, and a Port-a-Potty sitting there. She smiles.
Later, the construction workers get in their truck and leave and Gabrielle, hiding behind a large tool box, stands up. She goes over to the Port-a-Potty and pushes it off of its ramp.
Gabrielle's Backyard
A large drop cloth covers the Port-a-Potty. With Carlos watching, Gabrielle whips the cloth off to review the bathroom.
Gabrielle: "Ta-da!"
Carlos: "Stuff like this is why I love you."
He kisses her, then goes into the Port-a-Potty. As Gabrielle walks away, the red "Occupied" sign flips on.
Maisy: "So...what brings you here?"
Bree: "I need a favor."
Maisy: "I thought as much."
Bree: "I heard that there is a, um, little black book with the names of your clients in it."
Maisy: "There is."
Bree: "I was wondering if, perhaps, you could remove Rex's name from that little book."
Maisy: "Wow, that's a big favor. Those muffins better be really good."
Bree: "I have some money that I've been putting aside for emergencies. It can be all yours if you just..."
Maisy: "Keep my mouth shut?"
Bree: "Continue to be discreet."
Maisy: "Gosh. I don't know."
Bree: "I don't think it's asking that much. All you need to do is remove one little name."
Maisy: "But if I do it for you, then I have to do it for all the other wives. That wouldn't be fair, now, would it?"
Bree: "Maisy, please. I mean, we used to be good friends."
Maisy: "Ah. Where were you when Harold lost his job a year ago, huh? Did you stop by to see if there was anything that you could do? Did you bring a big basket of baked goods when you knew we couldn't even pay our bills? If you did, those displays of friendship seem to have slipped my mind."
Bree: "Maisy, I didn't mention it when you were having financial troubles because I thought it would embarrass you."
Maisy: "Yes, I would have been embarrassed, but it would have been a whole lot better than the silence."
Bree: "I have fourteen thousand dollars in that account. It can all be yours."
Maisy: "I'm not interested. But you do get credit for one thing. You came to visit me, even if it was for an ulterior motive. None of the other girls from the club even bothered. I've been abandoned. Guess that's what happens when you become the town whore."
Bree: "Oh, sweetie. They didn't abandon you because you're a whore. They abandoned you because you weren't all that nice to begin with."
She starts to leave, then stops, turns back to the table, and picks up the basket of muffins.
Susan's House
There's a knock on the door as Susan sits on her living room floor, going through decorative boxes.
Susan: "Who is it?"
Edie: "It's Edie!"
Susan: "Oh, Edie, not now. I'm kind of busy."
Edie walks into the living room.
Edie: "Hi."
Susan: "Or just come on in."
Edie: "What are you doing?"
Susan: "I decided that my life is way too complicated, and so I'm simplifying. I am getting rid of the clutter."
She puts on an orange and lace hat and turns to face Edie.
Edie: "Ooh."
Susan: "I was on vacation. Made sense at the time. Okay, not to be rude, but is there a reason you're here?"
Edie: "Look, I'm feeling badly about what you're going through with Mike. And don't worry. I'm not going to date him."
Susan: "Doesn't matter anymore."
Edie: "Well, don't get me wrong. I still have every intention of sleeping with him. Some mountains are just meant to be climbed."
Susan: "I got to learn to keep my doors locked."
Edie: "How long have you been sitting here?"
Susan: "I don't know. Five minutes, give or take three hours."
Edie: "That's it. Get up. Get dressed."
Susan: "Why?"
Edie: "Beause you're coming with me. It's time to get wasted. Happy hour started forty-five minutes ago."
Susan: "Why would I go anywhere with you?"
Edie: "Because that's what normal women do when they get depressed. They put on short skirts, they go to bars with their girlfriends, maybe have one too many and then make out with some strange man in the back of a dark alley."
Susan: "Wow."
Edie: "Oh, come on. It'll be fun, I swear. Come on. Come on."
She begins dragging Susan by the feet.
Susan: "Why do you even care?"
Edie: "I never said I cared. It's just...well, I...I guess I know what it's like to have your heart stomped on."
Susan: "Okay. All right. Give me a minute. I'll go change my clothes."
Edie: "And don't forget to do something with that skanky hair. You're a little scary-looking."
Bar
Music plays in the background as Susan and Edie sit at the bar, drinking. Edie points out a man to Susan.
Edie: "Ah. What about him?"
Susan: "Not my type."
Edie: "Oh, look, I know the pickins are slim, but isn't there someone here that you're attracted to?"
Susan: "I hate 'em all. Look at them just leering at us. They're so damn cocky, like they know they have the upper hand."
Edie: "What are you talking about? We have the upper hand. Without us, they have nothing."
Susan: "Maybe fifteen years ago. Not anymore. Now we're just lonely and desperate, and they know it, and they just sit there, ready to pounce, waiting for us to take any crumb they're willing to throw our way. I don't want crumbs. I want Mike."
She throws her head down on the bar and when the bartender comes up them, Edie hands him her glass.
Edie: "Hi. Um... I'm going to be spending the whole night with her, so I'm gonna be needing a lot more of these."
Susan: "I'm sorry. It's just so hard to find a guy like Mike. I know in my heart he didn't kill Mrs. Huber."
Edie: "Okay. Let's say Mike's a peach and he didn't kill Martha. Who did?"
Susan: "I don't know. Obviously, a bad guy. Somebody really awful, somebody like -- somebody like Paul Young."
Edie: "Paul? Are you serious?"
Susan: "I'm telling you, he's hiding something. He clams up every time we try to ask him about Mary Alice. And then when we found out about Dana..."
Edie: "Dana. Who's Dana?"
Susan: "Paul and Mary Alice had a baby that died."
Edie: "You're kidding."
Susan: "Zach killed her."
Edie: "Holy crap. Who told you that?"
Susan: "Paul. You know, he said it was an accident,but I'm telling you, I think that's why Mary Alice was being blackmailed."
Edie: "Mary Alice was being blackmailed?"
Susan: "Yeah. The girls and I found a threatening note in her stuff."
Edie: "What the hell kind of street do we live on?"
Susan: "I don't know."
Edie: "Come to think of it, the other day, Paul was talking to Felicia, and he was working overtime trying to make Mike sound guilty."
Susan: "See? Shifting blame onto someone else -- that's classic criminal behavior. Oh, I'm telling you, he's up to no good."
Edie: "Zach and Paul are out of town. Maybe we should sneak into their house and do some snooping. I have a key."
Susan: "Oh, my god, yes. We should do that."
Edie: "Oh, come on. I was just kidding."
Susan: "No, Edie, this is our chance. We should just go in for ten minutes."
Edie: "Susan, that's breaking and entering."
Susan: "Martha Huber was your best friend. If we could find out who really killed her, wouldn't that be worth the risk?"
Fairview Country Club
Rex and Bree are seated at a table at the country club. The maitre d' hands them menus.
Maitre D': "Have a nice evening."
Bree: "Thank you."
Bree looks over at the next table, where a woman is sitting down.
Bree: "Serena, hi. How are you?"
Serena waves, then turns to her husband without saying anything.
Rex: "I talked to Dr. Wallace today."
Bree: "Oh?"
Rex: "He still has no idea why the medication isn't working. He told me he's thinking of running more tests. I told him I'm thinking about getting a second opinion."
As Rex talks, Bree looks around the restaurant, noticing the stares that others are giving them.
Bree: "Rex, this might sound silly, but are people staring at us?"
Rex: "Yeah. What's going on?"
Bree: "Well, I could be wrong, but I suspect that Maisy Gibbons' client list has been released."
Some people start laughing.
Rex: "You think they're laughing at us?"
Bree: "No, I think they're laughing at you. I think they feel sorry for me, which is just as mortifying."
Rex: "What are we gonna do?"
Bree: "Oh. We're gonna act like nothing is happening, and then, when we finish eating, we're going to walk out of here with all the dignity that we can muster."
Rex: "Please, let's go now."
Bree: "Oh, no. I refuse to give them this kind of satisfaction. Open your menu."
Rex: "Everybody's staring, Bree. It's humiliating."
Bree: "Well, you should have thought of that before you left a personal check on Maisy Gibbons' nightstand."
Rex: "All right, you stay here if you want to. I'm leaving."
He stands up.
Bree: "Rex. If you walk out of this restaurant, I will scream."
Rex: "Bree --"
Bree: "I will scream about your cruelty. Then I will scream about your infidelity. And then, just to make sure it really hurts, I will scream about your distasteful sexual habits. You want to know what true humiliation is, you just take one step."
Rex looks around, then sits down.
Bree: "So, what are you having? The veal looks good."
Paul's House
Edie unlocks the house and she and Susan walk inside.
Edie: "So, what are we looking for, exactly? An embroidered pillow that says "I killed Martha Huber"?"
Susan: "I don't know. Just something suspicious."
Edie goes over to the bar, where she sniffs one of the containers of liquor.
Edie: "Mmm, smells expensive."
Susan: "Do you believe in evil, Edie?"
Edie: "Of course I believe in evil. I work in real estate."
Susan: "I'm serious. There's something about this house that's just so cold and creepy. You couldn't tell when Mary Alice was alive. She just brought so much warmth and light. Now there's something...I can just taste it. Can't you sense it?"
Edie: "The only thing I can sense is that you've had too much to drink."
Susan: "No, something happened in this house, something so awful we can't even imagine it."
There's a small crash.
Edie: "Ow! Son of a bitch."
Susan: "Are you okay?"
Edie: "Aah! I just stubbed my toe."
Susan sees the videotape that Paul had been watching earlier lying on the floor. She reads the label on it.
Susan: "Oh, my god -- Angela."
Edie: "Huh?"
Susan: "Angela -- that's what Mary Alice used to call herself."
Edie: "What are you talking about?"
Susan: "We heard it on this tape that Bree stole from her therapist's office. It's a long story. I'll tell you later. Oh, we got to put this in."
As soon as they put the tape in, they hear a large thud come from outside.
Susan: "What was that?"
Edie: "I think it's Paul."
Susan: "You said he was going to be gone."
Edie: "Well, I guess I was wrong."
They turn off the tape and quickly try to find a place to hid.
Edie: "Hurry."
Susan: "I've got to get the tape."
Edie: "Hide!"
Susan: "Oh! Oh! Oh!"
They jump behind the couch, but Susan accidentally drops the tape on the couch, where it falls behind the cushions.
Paul walks in and turns on a light. He sits on the couch and begins reading a magazine. From behind the couch, Susan mouths "What are we gonna do?" to Edie.
Edie stands up.
Edie: "Paul."
Paul: "Aah! Edie. God, you scared me."
Edie: "I'm sorry. I see that you, uh, made it back from Mount Pleasant."
Paul: "Yes. What -- what are you doing here?"
Edie: "Well, I came by to bring you your key. I was just about to leave you a note."
Paul: "You're returning my key at 11:30 at night. What the hell's going on here?"
Edie: "You're right. We're too old to be playing games."
Paul: "What?"
Edie: "My note was gonna tell you that I, uh...I-I wasn't kidding this afternoon. I really would like to keep a key to your place -- to use if the...mood strikes me."
Edie wraps her arms around Paul's neck as he tries backing away. Meanwhile, Susan tries to grab the videotape from her position behind the couch.
Paul: "You've been drinking."
He starts to turn back towards the couch, and Edie grabs him.
Edie: "Just enough to get up the courage to tell you how I feel about you."
She pushes him up against the wall and begins kissing him. Susan, on her hands and knees, looks around the couch at them and makes a face. Edie, still kissing Paul, motions to Susan to leave. Susan crawls out of the house, still on her hands and knees.
Outside, Mike puts some trash in the garbage can and sees Susan crawl out onto the street. He goes after her.
In Paul's house, Edie breaks the kiss.
Edie: "Okay, well...obviously, you're uncomfortable about this, so I-I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you. Here. Here's your key. I'll see you around."
Paul: "Edie, um... I'm not embarrassed."
Edie: "Huh?"
Paul: "If anything...I'm flattered."
He grabs her and pushes her against the wall, kissing her.
Outside, Mike catches up with Susan.
Mike: "Susan. Susan, talk to me."
Susan: "Mike, it's not a good time. I'm a little drunk and a little freaked out."
Mike: "Why haven't you returned any of my messages?"
Susan: "We're broken up. I thought I made that pretty clear."
Mike: "Oh, come on. Can't we work this out?"
Susan: "You lied to me."
Mike: "When? When did I lie to you?"
Susan: "The police showed me your rap sheet. You killed a man."
Mike: "You can't believe I'm some cold-blooded killer."
Susan: "No, of course I don't believe that, but I also didn't believe that Karl was going to cheat on me, and I didn't believe that Mary Alice was gonna kill herself. I mean, let's face it, Mike -- blind faith is not my friend."
Mike: "I was gonna tell you. There just wasn't a right moment."
Susan: "See? Now that's a lie, too, because there were plenty of right moments."
Mike: "Susan --"
Susan: "Every time we went out for pizza, you could have said, "oh, and by the way, I once killed a man." Or when you said, "hey, let's go jogging," you could have said, "well, by the way, I once killed a man." Every time we went to the movies and the hero shot the bad guy, you could have turned to me and said, "oh, and by the way, I did that once." You didn't."
Mike: "Do you want to hear what happened or not?"
Susan: "It doesn't matter, because I will never believe anything you say ever again."
He grabs her and kisses her.
Mike: "Well, at the very least, you can believe that."
He turns and walks back to his house.
Gabrielle's Backyard
Gabrielle hurries to the Port-a-Potty and tries to open the door, which is locked.
Carlos: "Occupied."
Gabrielle: "Carlos, I have to go."
Carlos: "Well, you're gonna have to wait."
Gabrielle: "Why should I have to wait? It's my port-a-potty."
Carlos: "What do you mean, it's yours?"
Gabrielle: "I'm the one who stole it."
Carlos: "Babe, I'm sorry. You're just gonna have to wait."
She kicks the Port-a-Potty and storms off.
Bree's House
Bree sits on her couch, drinking coffee. The sound of a toilet flushing is heard and Gabrielle walks into the room.
Gabrielle: "Thank you so much, Bree. Seeing your tile has really helped me make my decision. Next time I remodel, I am using limestone."
Bree: "Gabrielle, is everything okay?"
Gabrielle: "Sure. Why?"
Bree: "Well, it's just that you've been acting kind of odd lately."
Gabrielle: "In what way?"
Bree: "Well, you keep coming up with excuses to use everyone's bathroom, and then two days ago, Mr. Cowley looked into your back yard and saw you and Carlos doing your laundry in the jacuzzi."
Gabrielle: "Well, uh, there's a simple explanation for that. I, um..."
Bree: "Are you and Carlos having some sort of money trouble? Gabby, it's okay if you are."
Gabrielle: "Is that so?"
Bree: "Yes, and, and to tell you the truth, I'm a little insulted. I am a good friend. Why would you feel like you have to hide that from me?"
Gabrielle: "I don't know. Probably for the same reason you didn't tell me Rex was one of Maisy's clients."
Bree: "That is obviously different."
Gabrielle: "Why? Because it happened to you? Bree, this is how I see it -- good friends support each other after they've been humiliated. Great friends pretend nothing happened in the first place."
Bree: "Well, then, good luck on your remodel."
Gabrielle: "And please tell Rex I said hello."
Topher's Birthday Party
A big birthday party is occuring at Tammy's house when Lynette walks in with the twins, holding a present.
Lynette: "Hey, Tammy."
Tammy: "Lynette."
Lynette: "I see Topher's made a speedy recovery."
Twin: "Can we go play?"
Lynette: "Yeah, sure, boys. Have fun."
Twins: "Whoo! Let's go play in the bounce house! Let's go! Let's go! Come on!"
Tammy: "All right,you caught me. I lied. But, uh, you sure have some nerve, crashing a six-year-old's birthday party.""
Lynette: "Just so you know, I got Topher a set of bongo drums. I know you'll love them as much as he will."
At the bounce house, Mona leans in and shouts to her child.
Mona: "Charlie, come on out of there! I don't want you playing with those Scavo boys!"
Tammy: "Uh, Mona, please. I'm sure they're clean. (to Lynette) You are not ruining my party."
Tammy climbs into the bounce house.
Tammy: "All right, Porter, Preston, okay, out, out, out. Come on. Porter, Preston, let's go."
Lynette climbs in with them.
Lynette: "No, not -- not -- not quite yet. Boys, keep bouncing. That's right. Keep bouncing. Oh, by the way, I spoke to Nurse Abigail. I know who patient zero is."
Tammy: "All right, that's it, kids. Get out. Out, out, out. Go, go."
Lynette: "How could you do that?"
Tammy: "Look, this party meant everything to Topher. I couldn't risk people not showing up. He would be devastated. I had to do something."
Lynette: "And the best you could come up with was letting my kids take the fall?"
Tammy: "Hey, I hardly had to say anything. People were already suspicious.
Lynette: "Oh, please."
Tammy: "Yeah, it's true. Let's face it -- your boys aren't the cleanest kids on the planet."
Lynette: "That was not a smart thing to say."
Tammy: "Where are you going?"
Lynette: "I'm going to tell the truth to every mother out there, and then I'm gonna take back the bongos."
Tammy: "No, wait, okay, all right. Look, I wa--I was wrong. I admit it. I am really, really, really sorry."
Lynette: "Too little, too late."
Tammy: "Okay, okay. No, I'll -- I'll tell everyone that I was wrong, that your kids aren't the ones. Please, I'm begging you."
Lynette: "Well, why are you standing there? Get to it."
They leave the bounce house.
Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle is on the porch when Bree comes up to her.
Gabrielle: "Bree, hi."
Bree: "Hi."
Gabrielle: "What's up?"
Bree: "Well, um, I've been doing some thinking. Rex and I have been members of the Fairview Country Club for years, and, well, lately, it seems to have lost some of its excluvity, and so I've decided not to renew our membership. I'd rather see the money go to someone I care about."
She hands Gabrielle an envelope. Gabrielle takes it and opens it. She pulls out a check.
Gabrielle: "Oh, Bree, I-I can't take that."
Bree: "Gabby, this is the way I see it -- good friends offer to help in a crisis. Great friends don't take no for an answer."
Gabrielle: "We're gonna pay you back every cent. I promise."
Bree: "Take your time."
She gets up and leaves.
Topher's Birthday Party
A magician does tricks for the crowd of kids, who clap and shout. Lynette watches as Topher scratches his head. She turns to look at Tammy, who returns her gaze.
"Yes, everyone loves a scandal...no matter how big or small."
Gabrielle's Backyard
Carlos goes out into the backyard to go to the Port-a-Potty. As he opens the door, his next door neighbor catches his eye over the fence separating their properties.
"After all...what could be more entertaining than watching the downfall of the high and mighty?"
Outside Bree's House
Rex opens the car door for Bree, who gets in. As he closes the door, he sees neighbors walking down the sidewalk, who give each other a look when they see him.
"What could be more amusing than the public exposure of hypocritical sinners?"
Fairview County Prison
Maisy stands in the corner of the prison room, watching from a distance as other prisoners play cards together.
"Yes, everyone loves a scandal. And if for some reason, you're not enjoying the latest one..."
Paul's House
Paul sits down on the couch. He feels something underneath him and after pushing away the pillows, finds the videotape that Susan dropped.
"...well...the next one is always around the corner."
The End
