Bree's House
Bree comes down the stairs with a basket of laundry.
"Bree Van De Kamp believed in old-fashioned values. Things like respect for God, the importance of family, and love of country. In fact, Bree believed so strongly in her values, it was always a shock whenever she was confronted with those who didn't."
As she sorts the laundry in front of the washer, she pulls out a condom from the basket.
Moments later, she holds it up in front of Rex, who's paying bills at the dining room table.
Rex: "It's not mine."
Bree: "You promised the cheating had stopped, Rex. You promised."
Rex: "Could we not yell at each other? I'm feeling really lousy today."
Bree: "I want you out of the house!"
Rex: "Bree, look at me. It's not mine."
Bree: "Well, then, whose is it? It didn't just magically appear in my laundry basket."
Rex: "Well, I'm not the only guy in this house that uses that hamper."
He gets up and walks through the kitchen. Bree follows him.
Bree: "No."
Rex: "Sorry."
Bree: "Andrew is still a child."
Rex: "He's sixteen. It's not unheard of."
Bree: "Honey, you have to talk to him."
Rex: "And tell him what?"
Bree: "Tell him that we found his condom and that he is forbidden from - y'know."
Rex: "I can absolutely tell him that we think he's too young, but I don't think it's gonna do any good."
Bree: "Well, then the least we can do is go search his room and if we find any more of these, we'll confiscate them."
Rex: "And that will accomplish what?"
Bree: "Well, if we take away his condoms, maybe--"
Rex: "He's a teenage boy. We could take away his penis. He'd still try to have sex."
Bree: "Well, we can't put it back in his room. I mean that would be like we're condoning him having pre-marital sex."
Rex: "Bree, let me put this another way. Do you want to become a grandmother?"
Cut to Bree leaving freshly-laundered clothes on Andrew's bed, then leaving his room, passing Andrew in the hallway. Andrew enters in his room.
"Yes, Bree believed in old-fashioned values, but she also believed it was better to be safe than sorry."
Once in his room, Andrew sees the condom conspicuously left on his bed.
"Each new morning in suburbia brings with it a new set of lies. Little white lies told not to hurt."
A postman walks past a woman putting a bumper sticker on her car. The woman looks grumpy.
Postman: "Morning Mrs. Cutchel. You look lovely today."
The woman smiles after him.
"...but to make life more pleasant. They tell these lies to protect themselves and their reputations."
The postman thumbs through the small stack of bills marked "Past Due" addressed to the Solis residence as he walks up to Carlos and Gabrielle's house. Carlos walks up the sidewalk to meet him and takes the mail.
Carlos: "Oh, for God sakes, this is unbelievable. It's the last time I do my banking online."
"Of course, every now and then, the day arrives when someone finally decides to tell the truth."
Bree's House
Susan, Gabrielle, and Bree sit at the dining room table with coffee cups in front of them. Lynette stands in the corner.
Gabrielle: "He was shot? How could you not tell us about this?"
Susan: "He was embarrassed. He said it was an accident. Oh, don't look at me like that. Accidents happen."
Gabrielle: "We know that you want to trust Mike, but he had a dead woman's jewelry in his garage."
Susan: "Now did he? We don't know that for sure. All we know is that Lynette's kids turned up with it."
Bree: "So what are you saying, that the twins murdered Martha?"
Lynette: "Well, I wouldn't put it past them."
Susan: "I'm saying that is about as likely as Mike having done it. He's a good guy. I know him. I mean, he's, he's Mike."
Lynette: "Honestly, I don't think Mike did it either, but if we don't call, we're guilty of withholding evidence."
Bree: "Well, you know what? If he is innocent, this should be a simple matter to clear up."
Gabrielle: "But, we will do whatever you want us to do."
Susan: "Okay, call."
Bree: "So should I just dial nine one one?"
Gabrielle: "Well, it's not really an emergency."
Lynette: "It was a murder."
Bree: "Well, not recently, and I'd prefer not to tie up the line."
Susan: "Will you just call?"
Bree dials the phone.
Susan's House
There's a knock on the door. Julie answers it. It was Zach.
Zach: "Hey."
Julie: "My mom will be home any minute. She'll freak if she sees you here."
Zach: "Oh, I just wanted to deliver this personally. I'm having a party."
Julie: "You know she doesn't want us to see each other."
Zach: "Well, you gotta come. You're the reason I'm doing this."
Julie: "I'll try to talk to my mom, okay? But you really gotta go."
He turns and walks away.
Outside Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle, returning home, is greeted by a young man leaning against his truck.
Justin: "Hey, Mrs. Solis."
Gabrielle: "I'm sorry. Do I know you?"
Justin: "Yeah, I'm Justin. John's roommate? I've been waiting forever for you to show up."
Gabrielle: "Really, why?"
Justin: "I want to do you a favor."
Gabrielle: "What kind of favor?"
Justin: "Well, John says that you can't exactly afford a gardener right now, and I told him I'd be happy to do it. For free."
Gabrielle: "You want to mow my lawn for free?"
Justin: "Mow your lawn, water your flowers, trim your bushes. I could do everything John did for you."
Gabrielle: "That's very generous of you, but I don't think so."
Justin: "Why?"
Gabrielle: "Because my husband is home quite a lot these days. If any bush needs trimming, he takes care of it."
Justin: "Well, this is a very beautiful yard. I'm sure it could use a little extra attention."
Gabrielle: "I'm flattered but no thank you."
She starts to walk past, and he grabs her arm, holding on.
Justin: "Mrs. Solis, please."
Gabrielle: "Did I mention why my husband's home a lot? He's under house arrest."
Justin: "Oh?"
Gabrielle: "He has a lot of anger toward the government right now and he's just dying to find someone to take it out on."
He lets go of her arm and she walks briskly towards her front door.
Lynette's House
Tom enters the house as the boys are playing hockey in the living room.
Tom: "Hey guys, this isn't a hockey rink. Can you take it outside?"
Lynette: "How was your day?"
Tom: "Hey. I didn't get the V.P. gig."
Lynette: "Oh, Tom, I'm so sorry."
Tom: "It just doesn't make any sense to me. I mean, I'm Peterson's go-to guy, so how does Tim Doogan, the biggest blow-hard in the office get promoted to vice president over me?"
Lynette: "I thought you liked Tim Doogan."
Tom: "I do. I just, I just, I really wanted that promotion. Boys, can you please take the Stanley Cup Finals outside?"
The boys ignore him.
Lynette: "Well, did you tell Mr. Peterson that you wanted the job?"
Tom: "I have worked at that firm for eight and a half years. Doogan's been there for less than two. I am not going to beg."
Lynette: "I'm not saying to beg. You just have to step up from time to time. You have to see your opportunity and take it. Nobody respects a shrinking violet."
Tom: "There is more than one, you know, leadership style. Mine is quiet but effective."
Lynette (shouting at the boys): "Take that racket outside!" (to Tom) "Well, whatever works for ya."
The boys immediately stop playing and head outside.
Outside Susan's House
Susan is taking groceries out of her car when Mike comes up from behind her.
Mike: "Susan! Hey, sexy, where you been? I called you twice. You avoiding me?"
Susan: "Don't be silly. Why would I do that? No, I've just been really busy grocery shopping."
Mike: "For two days? You must be pretty well stocked."
From behind Mike, police officers come out of unmarked cars and quickly and quietly draw their guns and walk hurriedly towards Mike. Susan notices them and looks worried.
Mike: "How 'bout dinner tonight?"
Susan: "Uh, dinner, tonight?"
Mike: "You okay?"
One of the cops motions with his hand for Susan to get down.
Susan: "Can you hold these a sec?"
She hands the groceries and dives to the ground. Immediately, the cops grab Mike and push him towards Susan's car, handcuff him, and start pulling him away while reading him his rights.
Cop: "Up against the car! You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do say can be used against you in a court of law..."
Bree's House
At the dinner table, the four Van De Kamps eat.
Andrew: "So, get this. Zach Young is throwing a pool party Saturday night and he sent out a bunch of formal invitations complete with fancy lettering."
Danielle: "I'm surprised he didn't spritz them with after shave."
Bree: "What is wrong with nice invitations?"
Andrew: "Mom, it's a pool party."
Danielle: "Why couldn't he've just pass out fliers in the quad?"
Andrew: "Because he's genetically incapable of being cool?"
Rex: "So, uh, you going?"
Andrew: "Maybe. I mean, um, Lisa and Justin and some of the guys thought it'd be fun to swim. We can always bail if it's as lame as we think it's gonna be."
Bree: "Is Lisa your friend with the pierced navel?"
Andrew: "Yeah."
Bree: "You've been spending a lot of time together lately, haven't you?"
Andrew: "I guess."
Bree: "Oh, uh, Andrew, I'm gonna want you home by eleven on Saturday."
Andrew: "Eleven? Mom, it's not even a school night."
Rex: "Bree, a curfew isn't gonna do any good."
Bree: "You may be able to abdicate all your parental responsibility but I cannot."
Andrew: "What, what's going on here? Would this have to do with the condom you left in my room?"
Bree: "As a matter of fact it does, and just so we're clear, if you get Lisa pregnant, you will marry her."
Andrew lets out an exasperated laugh.
Bree: "Andrew, this is not funny."
Andrew: "Mom, trust me. This is very funny, mostly because the condom wasn't mine."
Bree stares accusingly at Rex, who in turn stares at Andrew like he knows he's lying.
Andrew turns to Danielle, who, when she catches her father's eye, leans back in her chair and turns to Andrew.
Danielle: "You suck, you know that?"
Bree stares at Danielle, her mouth hanging open in shock.
Later, Bree walks into the kitchen where Danielle is.
Bree: "So obviously we need to talk."
Danielle: "I'm still a virgin if that's what you want to know."
Bree: "Well, good. But why on earth would you need a condom?"
Danielle: "Because I'm planning on having sex and I don't want to get pregnant."
Bree: "Danielle, you are president of the Abstinence Club."
Danielle: "I wasn't planning on running for a second term."
Bree: "Who were you planning on having sex with?"
Danielle: "John."
Bree: "John Rowland? I thought you broke up with him."
Danielle: "No, he broke up with me. And you want to know why? Because I wouldn't do it."
Bree: "Well, if that's the type of boy he is, then good riddance."
Danielle: "Mom, every boy at my school is that type of boy. And besides, it's different with John. I love him."
Bree: "Oh, sweetheart, just because you give a boy sex doesn't mean you'll get love in return."
Danielle: "So maybe I'm being stupid. What's the big deal? It's just sex."
Bree: "Honey, I am looking out for your happiness. Now, I understand what it's like to be young and feel urges, but I waited until I got married, as did your father, and it was so much better."
Danielle: "Daddy ended up cheating on you."
Bree: "Yes. Well -"
Danielle: "And every since he moved back in, you've been miserable."
Bree: "Why would you say that?"
Danielle: "The walls between our bedrooms are paper thin. I hear more stuff than I probably should."
Bree: "Oh."
Danielle: "Look, mom, I love you a lot but you really are the last person to ever give anyone advice about sex and happiness."
She gives her mom a kiss on the cheek and walks out of the room.
Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle picks up the stack of bills and tosses them in front of Carlos.
Gabrielle: "Have you seen these? Five more past due notices."
Carlos: "Don't worry. I'm handling it."
Gabrielle: "How? How are you handling it?"
Carlos: "Can I please finish my sandwich?"
Gabrielle: "Have you seen our checking account lately? We're broke. And then we have the mortgage payment coming up. We have property taxes.."
Carlos: "Gabby, it's going to be okay."
Gabrielle: "No, it's not. We are seriously screwed, and I am freaking out that you're not freaking out."
Carlos: "Look, things will turn around."
Gabrielle: "When?"
Carlos: "I don't know when, but we're lucky people, and we'll be lucky again."
Gabrielle: "What is that?"
Carlos: "It's the lawnmower. We got a new gardener today. It's not going to cost us a cent. The kid's a friend of John's."
Gabrielle: "Carlos--"
Carlos: "And he said that he'd do the lawn for free. Can you believe it? We are lucky people."
Carlos goes back to his sandwich while Gabrielle stands in the doorway, glaring at Justin, who mows the lawn with his shirt off. He sends a triumphant smile her way.
Baseball Field
A company softball game is in progress. In the dugout, a man walks to position to bat, while others call out his name and he waves to the crowd.
Doogan: "Hey you guys, good to see you again."
Tom sits on the bench, staring after him glumly. Lynette comes up to him and sits down.
Lynette: "Hey! Don't look so glum. You're gonna get a hit."
Tom: "It's not that. This is my hating Tim Doogan look." (in an announcer's voice) "Oh, Doogan connects. Look at the job-stealing bastard run. Doogan is really showing some of the glory-hounding, ass-kissing hustle that he is so well known for."
Lynette: "I forgot how much fun you are when you're bitter."
Tom: "Oh look, he's stretched for extra bases, just like he stretched for extra territory screwing over unsung utility player Tom Scavo."
Doogan trips and falls onto the ground.
Tom: "Oh, down goes Doogan. Doogan goes down. That's gotta hurt. Oh, Lord Hound is tagged out and now he's gonna have to deal with some tough dirt stains, that Tim Doogan."
Lynette: "Tom..."
Several of the players roll Doogan over and begin administering CPR.
Tom: "Oh, no, look. I'm sure he's just grandstanding."
Lynette: "Oh my God."
Tom: "Holy crap."
He runs out onto the field.
Susan's House
Susan cleans up the dishes from dinner. Julie follows her into the kitchen.
Julie: "It's only a pool party. Everyone's gonna be there."
Susan: "I said no."
Julie: "What are you gonna do? Keep a boy freeze zone around me until I'm eighteen?"
Susan: "You can see boys in a couple years, just not that boy."
Julie: "Why do you hate Zach?"
Susan: "I don't hate Zach. I just think he's sort of crazy."
Julie: "Mom, I've heard people call you sort of crazy."
Susan: "Well, I'm adorable crazy, and he's rampage crazy."
A knock at the door. Susan opens it.
Detective Copeland: "Susan Mayer?"
Susan: "Yeah."
Detective Copeland: "I'm Detective Copeland. I'm investigating the murder of Martha Huber. I need to talk to you about Mike Delfino."
Later, Susan and Julie sit on the couch while Detective Copeland puts on a pair of glasses and opens up a small notebook.
Detective Copeland: "Do you remember seeing Mr. Delfino on the seventh of last month?"
Susan: "Is the seventh important?"
Detective Copeland: "Well, we believe it was the night that Martha Huber was murdered. She was last seen at the grocery store around nine and then she didn't show up for her dentist appointment the next morning."
Susan: "What day was that?"
Detective Copeland: "It was a Sunday."
Susan: "Oh. Oh, my God, yes. Yes, yes, I was with Mike that night."
Detective Copeland: "You're sure?"
Susan: "Yes, I was. It was a big night for us, relationship-wise. It was the first time that we..."
Detective Copeland: "The first time you...?"
Julie: "Did it. The first time they did it."
Susan: "Julie!"
Julie: "Well, it was."
Susan: "How did you know?"
Julie: "I'm not clueless. I found men's boxers in the clothes hamper."
Susan: "Oh, don't write that down. Oh, but this is good. You can let Mike go. He's innocent."
Detective Copeland: "Well, assuming everything you're telling me is true."
Julie: "It's true. The next morning she made pancakes in the shape of little hearts. Seriously. Little hearts."
Susan gives her a light slap on the leg.
Gabrielle's Bedroom
Gabrielle walks into her bedroom from the bathroom, tying a bathrobe around her. She turns around and gasps. Justin stands in the doorway.
Gabrielle: "Justin, what are you doing up here?"
Justin: "Uh, I finished the hedges. Is there anything else Mr. Solis wants done?"
Gabrielle: "I don't know. He's not here. He had a meeting with his lawyer."
Justin: "So, I guess that means we're all alone."
Gabrielle: "No, that means I'm all alone. You're leaving."
Justin: "I'm not in a hurry. C'mon, maybe we could hang out for a little while."
Gabrielle: "I don't think so."
Justin: "C'mon, if you just got to know me, you'd see I can be lots of fun. All my friends say so."
Gabrielle: "Well, I'm not interested in becoming one of your friends. Get out of my bedroom."
Justin: "C'mon, Mrs. Solis, be nice."
He grabs her and leans in for a kiss. She slaps him."
Justin: "You shouldn't have done that."
Gabrielle: "Do you know how easy it would be for me to call my husband and tell him what you just tried to do?"
Justin: "Not as easy as it'd be for me to tell him what happened between you and John. I'm sorry, Mrs. Solis, but you're gonna have to be nice to me, at least once."
She stares at him in confusion as he walks off.
Outside Mike's House
A police car drops him off and Susan runs to greet him.
Susan: "Mike! Mike, are you okay?"
Mike: "Uh, yeah, yeah, I'm a little bit embarrassed. Must be the talk of the neighborhood."
Susan: "No, not really, no. So guess what? I'm your alibi. I told the police that we were together the night that Mrs. Huber was killed and that I could never forget that night."
Mike: "So you don't think I killed Mrs. Huber?"
Susan: "No, no, of course not. I could never think you killed anybody, even I wasn't your alibi, which I am."
Mike: "Okay, I'm, um, I'm gonna go take a shower. Jail is kinda gross. I'll call you later, okay?"
Susan: "Sure. When?"
Mike: "Later, I've just got some stuff I've got to take care of, okay?"
Susan: "Okay."
John and Justin's Apartment
John opens his door. Bree is standing there.
John: "Mrs. Van De Kamp."
Bree: "Hello, John. I'm sorry to drop by on you, unannounced. Do you have a moment?"
John: "Sure. So, what can I do for you?"
Bree: "Well, I'll tell you. My daughter is planning on giving you her virginity and I would consider it a personal favor if you wouldn't take it."
Lynette's Place
Tom arrives home.
Tom: "Hey."
Lynette: "Hi. So, what's the word on Tim?"
Tom: "He came through the triple bypass with flying colors."
Lynette: "Thank god."
Tom: "Course, it's not all coming up roses. He's not going to be able to come back to work for four, four and a half months."
Lynette: "Oh."
Tom sits down at the table with a beer, clearly very happy.
Lynette: "What?"
Tom: "The company still needs to expand, so I figure they need a fit, heart-smart guy like me to step up, take the ball."
Lynette: "You're going after Tim Doogan's promotion?"
Tom: "No. I already got it. You should've seen me. I walked straight into Peterson's office and I told him he would be a fool to hold Doogan's promotion."
Lynette: "You called your boss a fool?"
Tom: "I did. That was risky in retrospect, but you know what? Still, he gave me the job. Look at me. It's me, I'm the man, I got the whole west coast."
Lynette: "Oh my -- what? What? The whole west coast? I thought you were going after an in-house position."
Tom: "No, no, no. I'm setting up new offices from Seattle to L.A. I, I told you that."
Lynette: "No. No, you didn't."
Tom: "Okay, so it's gonna be a little bit more travel."
Lynette: "More travel? Tom, you're barely here half the time as it is. Now you're going to have -- what, twice the work load?"
Tom: "Honey? Please, don't ruin this."
Lynette: "I'm sorry, but you should have consulted me."
Tom: "I did. You told me to stop being a shrinking violet and to step up."
Lynette: "I thought this was an in-house position."
Tom: "Okay, I'm going to go shower."
Lynette: "Look, wait, wait. I know what this means to you."
Tom: "No, you don't. No, you don't. I am forty-one years old. If I don't make vice president now, it's never gonna happen. This is my career. It's, it's important to me."
Lynette: "So was mine, but I'm here, aren't I?"
Tom: "I'm gonna take the job."
He goes upstairs.
John and Justin's Apartment
Bree and John sit facing each other in the living room.
Bree: "She said that you broke up with her because she refused to have sex."
John: "Wow. Um, okay, here's the deal. I said that, but it was just an excuse. The truth is, I wasn't that into her."
Bree: "Really?"
John: "And she was always so proud of never having done it, I figured, hey, this is my way out."
Bree: "Well, she feels very passionately about you."
John: "Well, don't get me wrong. She's nice, but the truth is, there's someone else."
Bree: "Oh, are you going steady?"
John: "Not exactly. We were seeing each other pretty regularly but this other lady - girl, she sorta dumped me."
Bree: "Oh, I see."
John: "Well, look. I'll talk to Danielle, and don't worry, I'll let her down gently."
Bree: "Uh, actually, I would prefer if you didn't."
John: "Huh?"
Bree: "I know my daughter. She's very determined, and unless you're really firm with her, she's going to continue to think that there's hope."
John: "Okay. I'll be firm."
Bree: "Better still, be brutal."
Diner
Mike enters and finds Mr. Shaw eating a big piece of chocolate cake. He sits down at the booth with Mr. Shaw
Mike: "Decided to indulge your sweet tooth, huh?"
Mr. Shaw: "I'll be dead inside a year. I got bigger things to worry about than my waistline. So, who's the woman they think you killed?"
Mike: "Martha Huber, local busybody. I thought her murder was random."
Mr. Shaw: "Nothing random about her jewelry ending up in your garage. Did you kill her?"
Mike: "No. Whoever set me up did a good job, though. The cops are all over me."
Mr. Shaw: "You getting close to something?"
Mike: "If I'm getting close, I don't see it."
Mr. Shaw: "What I'm saying is, people leave trails. One of those trails could lead to Deirdre. Whoever set you up must know that."
Mike: "Yeah, maybe. But I won't be much good to you locked up."
Mr. Shaw: "I'm rich, Mike. One of the best things about being rich is the security of knowing you can buy your way out of any problem. I'm not taking my money to the grave. I'm gonna use it to save your ass."
John and Justin's Apartment
Justin opens the door. Gabrielle is on the other side.
Justin: "Mrs. Solis!"
Gabrielle: "Hello, Justin."
Justin: "What are you doing here?"
Gabrielle: "I am here to talk to your roommate."
Justin: "John? I didn't think you guys talked anymore."
Gabrielle: "Well, now we have something to talk about. You."
Justin: "Me?"
Gabrielle: "Yes, I'm gonna tell him how you're trying to blackmail me into sleeping with you. I wonder how he'll react."
Justin: "Mrs. Solis --"
Gabrielle: "Think he'll get violent?"
Justin: "You can't talk to John about that."
Gabrielle: "Oh, I can, and I will, you little worthless piece of crap."
Justin: "Listen, Mrs. Solis. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't want to blackmail you."
Gabrielle: "Then why did you?"
Justin: "I really needed to sleep with you."
Gabrielle: "Why?"
Justin: "Because. I think I might be gay."
Gabrielle: "Oh."
Tom's Office
The boys come running in, followed by Lynette.
Boys: "Daddy!"
Tom: "What's up?"
Lynette: "Oh, we went out for burgers and the boys knew you wouldn't be home till after, um, bedtime so we decided to pop in and visit the new V.P."
Tom: "Yeah, well, check it out. I finally got an office with a window, huh?"
Lynette: "Yep, it's all about the window."
Tom: "Hey, guys, hey, who wants chair rides?"
Boys: "Me!"
Tom: "C'mon, out this way. Here we go."
Tom and the boys run into the lounge area and begin playing. Lynette watches them from the other side of the glass.
A woman walks into the office and grins at Lynette.
Mrs. Peterson: "Checking out the new executive digs?"
Lynette: "Oh, you know it."
Mrs. Peterson: "Can I tell you a little secret?"
Lynette: "Sure."
Mrs. Peterson: "Dan wanted to hold the promotion over for Tim Doogan and I'm the one that convinced him to give it to Tom."
Lynette: "Really?"
Mrs. Peterson: "Uh-huh. Tom is such a workhorse and he wanted it so badly."
Lynette: "Yeah, he certainly did."
Mrs. Peterson: "What is wrong? Aren't you happy about this promotion?"
"Lynette realized it was in her best interest to lie to the boss's wife."
Lynette: "Well, it's great, obviously. Thank you."
"Provided she wasn't too convincing."
Lynette: "Of course, I mean, I will miss him being gone all the time. He'll be bringing in more money, but he is gonna miss the birthdays, baseball games, first steps. That's the trade-off, right? I just hope one day Tom doesn't look back and regret being gone so much. I better get out there before they break something."
Mrs. Peterson: "Of course, I will see you soon."
Lynette: "Okay."
Mrs. Peterson watches Lynette.
John and Justin's Apartment
Gabrielle: "So, have you been acting on these feelings?"
Justin: "I got a buddy. We get together, mess around, but it's no big deal. Just lately, I've been starting to, like, care about him and I don't know how to handle it."
Gabrielle: "Wow."
Justin: "Yeah, and I thought if I sleep with somebody like you, I'll know for sure and I can stop freaking out about this."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, but why me? You're a good looking kid. Why don't you test drive someone your own age?"
Justin: "Girls talk. If I start something with somebody and it doesn't...work out, everybody at school will find out, and I figured I could trust you because you have husband and all."
Gabrielle: "Well, I guess that makes sense in a weird sort of way."
Justin: "You know, my buddy and I, we've been messing around for quite a while and, this whole time, I just kept telling myself, it didn't really mean anything. Guess I just been kidding' myself, huh?"
Gabrielle: "We're all in denial about something. But you're finally facing the truth and I think that's sort of brave."
Justin: "Thanks."
Gabrielle: "I should probably go."
Justin: "Uh, just so you know, I never would have told Mr. Solis about you and John. I may be gay, but I'm not a jerk."
She walks up to him and kisses him passionately.
Gabrielle: "Did you feel anything?"
Justin: "Not really."
Gabrielle: "Definitely gay."
Susan's House, nighttime
Susan answers a knock at the door while Julie does her homework at the kitchen table.
Susan: "Hi."
Detective Copeland: "Hi. I'm sorry to bother you at night, Miss Mayer, but I was hoping that maybe you could come down to the station with me, uh, just answer a few more questions."
Susan: "Now? Well, I'm, I'm sorry, my daughter and I were going to go see a movie tonight."
As Susan and Detective Copeland talk, Julie looks out the kitchen window across the street to where Zach's party is.
Julie: "Mom? we can do it another night. I'll be fine."
Susan: "Uh, let me get my purse."
Detective Copeland: "Great."
Susan: "Are you sure?"
Julie: "Yeah."
Susan: "I'm sure I won't be late. Bye."
Julie: Bye."
Police Interrogation Room
Susan sits at a small table. Detective Copeland sits down across from her, next to a video camera that's trained on Susan's face.
Behind a two-way mirror, a dark-haired man watches the two of them in the room.
Detective Copeland: "You said that Mike came to your house around ten p.m. on the night of the seventh?"
Susan: "Um, am I supposed to talk into the camera?"
Detective Copeland: "No, no, just talk to me."
Susan: "Okay. Uh, yes. He came over around ten o'clock."
Detective Copeland: "Do you know of any tension between Mike and Martha Huber?"
Susan: "No."
Detective Copeland: "Were you aware that Mike was shot recently?"
Susan: "Yes, on Valentine's Day."
Detective Copeland: "And do you know how it came about?"
Susan: "He dropped his gun, cleaning it."
Detective Copeland: "Miss Mayer, with all due respect, I've been working around guns for years. I've never seen one discharge when it hits the ground. Someone has to pull the trigger."
Susan: "Well, I wouldn't know about that."
Detective Copeland: "Were you aware there was a home invasion, uh, three blocks from you on Pine Avenue, the day before Valentines?"
Susan: "No."
Detective Copeland: "The intruder was shot in the stomach. Where was Mike's wound?"
Susan: "The stomach."
Detective Copeland: "Do you love him?"
Susan: "What? What does that have to do with -"
Detective Copeland: "It's just sometimes people do stupid things when they're in love. I should know. I've been married four times. Tell me the truth. He wasn't with you that night, was he? He asked you to lie for him, didn't he?"
Susan: "No, he didn't. He was with me and Mike wouldn't kill anybody. I'm sure of that."
Detective Copeland stands up and picks up a nearby file folder. He puts on his reading glasses, opens the thick folder, puts it on the table, sits down, and reads out loud.
Detective Copeland: "Mike Delfino. Convicted nineteen eighty seven, did five and a half years for drug trafficking and manslaughter."
He turns the folder around towards Susan so she can see Mike's fingerprints and mug shots.
Detective Copeland: "You want a coffee. I'm gonna go for coffee."
She looks up and shakes her head.
He steps through the door that has the two-way mirror on it and stands with the other man.
Detective Copeland: "So is she covering for her guy?"
Man: "Nah, she's just a sucker."
On the video camera, Susan looks shocked as she looks through the folder.
Zach's Party
Danielle and Julie enter. The party is in full swing, with lots of kids around.
Julie: "I guess no one's in the pool yet. Are you gonna swim?"
Danielle: "Please. I just spent an hour blowing out my hair."
She sees John sitting alone on the couch.
Danielle: "I'll, I'll see you later, okay?"
Julie: "Okay."
Danielle joins John on the sofa, and gives him a quick kiss near his mouth. Subtly, he pulls slightly away as she kisses him.
Danielle: "Hey, I've got a surprise for you. You want to go somewhere and talk?"
John: "Yeah. We should talk."
They get up. Zach comes in from the kitchen.
Zach: "Hi, you made it."
Julie: "Andrew's here. I didn't think he'd come."
Zach: "Yeah, he brought a lot of friends. They're acting like total jerks. Alert the media. I don't care. You're here now. This is gonna be great."
In the pool area, a couple of kids are in the water, but most are hanging around by the pool.
From one of the entrances out into the pool area, Danielle enters. John rushes after her.
John: "Danielle!"
Danielle: "Don't touch me!"
John stops and Danielle rushes off.
Andrew and another guy pick up a lawn chair with another boy in it and throw it and the boy into the pool.
Zach and Julie, sitting on another lawn chair, watch.
Zach: "Can you possibly take it easy?"
Andrew: "It's cool, man. Look, he floats. Relax, it's a party. You're the main party animal, right? Am I right?"
Zach: "I guess."
Andrew: "All right. Well, then act like it. C'mon, give me a howl. C'mon, you're the host. Revel in it. Give me a howl. (howls) Awooo!"
Zach (feebly): "Woo!"
Several kids standing nearby laugh and Andrew chuckles, then slaps Zach on the back before walking off.
Andrew: "There you go."
Julie: "You okay?"
Zach: "What do I care? He's nothing. I could take care of him if I wanted to."
Julie: "What do you mean?"
Zach: "I know where my mom kept her gun."
He holds up his hand, pointing his index and middle fingers at Zach as though his hand were a gun, and pretends to aim and shoot Andrew.
Zach (quietly): "Pow."
Julie: "That's not funny, Zach."
Zach: "Well, if you think about it, yeah, it kind of is."
Julie begins to leave.
Zach: "Julie!"
Outside, Danielle stands crying by the mailbox. Julie comes up to her.
Julie: "Hey, Danielle. Are you okay?"
Danielle: "I just want to go home. Can we go?"
Julie: "Sure."
They start walking when Zach runs out of the house after them.
Zach: "Julie!"
Julie: "I'm taking Danielle home."
Zach: "Are you coming back?"
Julie: "I don't think so."
They keep walking. Zach looks at the house, then turns and starts running in the opposite direction from Julie and Danielle.
Lynette's Bedroom
She gets into bed where Tom is reading.
Tom: "So how was that P.T.A. meeting?"
Lynette: "Long."
Tom: "So Peterson called me into his office today."
Lynette: "Really?"
Tom: "Yeah, he, uh, changed his mind. He's gonna hold that promotion for Doogan."
Lynette: "Oh."
Tom: "Yeah, it's, it's fine. Y'know, I'm glad, really. Having to work all those long hours and you know how I hate flying, it just does, you know horrible things for my back. God, with all that extra stress, I'd have ended up exactly like Tim Doogan ten years from now, so."
Lynette: "Yeah, of course."
Tom: "So, it's, it's over."
Lynette: "Look, you're gonna make vice president one of these days."
Tom: "It's okay. Honest. I am really glad it worked out this way."
Lynette: "Okay."
Susan's House, nighttime
A police car drops her off in front of her house. As she walks towards her front door, Mike comes up behind her.
Susan: "Oh, God, you scared me."
Mike: "How'd it go?"
Susan: "It went just peachy, and humiliating, and shocking."
Mike: "Susan..."
Susan: "How could you? God, 'Susan do you trust me?' Yes, of course I do. Oh, I'm such an idiot, and you're such a liar. Oh, and apparently a killer, and a drug dealer. That's just quite a personal ad you've got going there."
Mike: "Susan, I came to Wisteria Lane--"
Susan: "Stop! Stop Mike, just stop. If you keep talking, you're gonna work your way into my heart and I just don't want you anywhere near my heart. Ever."
She goes into her house and shuts the door. She leans against it and starts crying. Pushing herself away from the door, she starts towards the stairs.
Susan: "Julie? Mommy needs a hug. Julie?"
She turns and sees the unfinished homework on the table. Looking out the window, she sees the party scene across the street. She marches over. A couple of boys stand outside and Susan passes by them on the way inside Paul's house.
Susan: "Is Julie in there? Julie Mayer?"
Boy: "I dunno. It's pretty dead in there."
She walks into the living room, which is empty, and then into the pool area, which is completely vacant, except for two people kissing passionately at the far end of the pool.
Susan: "Julie Alexandra Mayer!"
There's a small splash as the two people duck underneath the water.
Susan: "Oh, Julie, Zach, this is ridiculous. You can't hold your breath forever."
Her feet get tangled in something on the ground. She untangles herself and realizes she was trapped in a pair of men's boxers. Holding them up in front of her, she glares furiously at the two submerged bodies in the water.
Susan: "Oh, you might as well just stay under there and never come up for air because when you do, I'm gonna choke the living daylights out of you."
One person emerges and Susan sees that it's Justin.
Susan: "Oh, um, is my daughter under there?"
Justin shakes his head, and the other person in the pool emerges, taking a deep breath of air. It's Andrew.
Susan: "Oh."
Andrew: "I'm not, I'm not gay."
Susan: "Oh, I, okay, I'm, I'm sorry. Uh, I'll just, I'm just gonna leave those right there."
Susan begins leaving the pool area, but in her haste and surprise, trips over everything in her path. Andrew and Justin just watch her as she hurries out of the area.
Susan: "Oh! I'm fine, it's good, you just, you know, uh, did, did you see - no! Oh, good bye!"
Gabrielle's House
Carlos: "Sell the house. Are you crazy?"
Gabrielle: "Carlos, we can't afford to live here anymore."
Carlos: "But if our lawyer gets the Justice Department to unfreeze the bank accounts then--"
Gabrielle: "Then what? Huh? Finish the sentence, Carlos. We've tons of legal bills, you've lost all your clients and even with our savings, we're screwed."
Carlos: "But, it's our house."
Gabrielle: "Honey, I know. I love this place, too. It's just, I think it's time for us to face the music."
He walks out to the front porch. She follows.
Carlos: "I never thought I'd be poor at this stage of my life."
Gabrielle: "You know, Carlos, I've been broke a lot of times in my life. But, I've never been poor, because poor is just a state of mind, and right now you and I are just..."
Carlos: "Without funds?"
Gabrielle: "Exactly."
Carlos: "I guess we could get an apartment. Start over."
Gabrielle: "Who knows? It might even be fun."
Carlos: "And once we're back on our feet, we'll get a house as big as this one."
Gabrielle: "Bigger."
They kiss and turn to look at their house.
Diner
Mr. Shaw sits at a booth across from a man whose face isn't visible right away.
Man: "So I get my wife this dog for her birthday. A stray, from the pound. The cheapest gift I'd ever gotten her and she loves it, so I'm a genius, right? Then, I find out it's got this weird blood disease. Now I'm laying out six hundred dollars a month for doggie medicine for this mutt and I'm a genius, right?"
Mr. Shaw: "Don't be cynical. You did something nice, made your wife happy. Now, let's talk about what's gonna make you happy."
The man is shown and we see it's the second detective from the police station.
"Yes, each new day in suburbia brings with it a new set of lies. The worst are the ones we tell ourselves before we fall asleep."
Bree's House
"We whisper them in the dark, telling ourselves we're happy..."
Rex and Bree lie in bed. Rex is sleeping while Bree is awake. She looks over at Rex.
Lynette's House
"...or that he's happy..."
Tom and Lynette lie in bed. Tom is sleeping while Lynette is awake. She looks over at him.
John and Justin's Apartment
"...that we can change..."
Justin props himself up on his elbow in bed, staring into the darkness.
Bree's House
"...or that he will change his mind."
Danielle props herself up on her elbow in bed, staring into the darkness.
Mike's House
"We persuade ourselves we can live with our sins..."
Mike lies in bed, awake. He turns over, away from the camera.
Susan's House
"...or that we can live without him."
Susan rolls over, facing the camera, tears glistening on her face.
Outside Susan's House
The nighttime slowly fades to daybreak.
"Yes. Each night before we fall asleep we lie to ourselves in a desperate, desperate hope that, come morning, it will all be true."
The End
