"The first thing you should know is that Edie Britt never actually intended to die. But someone she loved was trying to leave her. So she planned every detail from the silk scarf she'd hang by, to the suicide note detailing her despair. Now all Edie had to do was wait for her beloved to come home."
EDIE'S FRONT DOOR
Carlos walks in.
Carlos: "Hey, Edie! I'm here to get my stuff!"
Carlos begins walking upstairs.
"You see, to hold on to her man, Edie knew she'd have to find the perfect moment to let go."
Edie lets go of the overhead beam.
EDIE'S FRONT DOOR
Mrs. McCluskey enters, knocking on the open door.
Mrs. McCluskey: "Hey Carlos!"
"Sadly for Edie..."
Carlos stops on the stairs
Mrs. McCluskey: "Could I talk to you?"
"Her timing was fatally flawed."
Carlos turns and walks down the stairs.
EDIE'S BEDROOM
Edie's eyes open wide knowing she in trouble. She hears Carlos and Mrs. McCluskey downstairs talking.
Carlos: "Mrs. McCluskey."
Mrs. McCluskey: "I need to show you something. Come here!"
Edie grabs the scarf trying to pull herself up.
EDIE'S FRONT YARD
Mrs. McCluskey and Carlos walk to the curb to his garbage can.
Mrs. McCluskey: "What's this!?"
Carlos: "Ahhh, those are trash cans."
Mrs. McCluskey: "I know they are trash cans, smart ass! I'm asking what they are doing out on a Saturday night when the trash got picked up on Thursday."
EDIE'S BEDROOM
Edie's grip of the scarf is slowing slipping as she loses consciousness.
EDIE'S FRONT YARD
Carlos: "Fine, I will take them in. Happy now?"
Mrs. McCluskey looks upstairs to Edie's bedroom window.
Mrs. McCluskey: "Carlos? What the hell is that?"
Carlos turns and looks upstairs to the window. He sees Edie hanging and runs inside.
EDIE'S BEDROOM
Carlos runs in, grabs a chair, climbs up and cuts Edie down.
"And this is now Carlos Solis arrived just in the nick of time to save the life of Edie Britt."
Carlos: "Oh Baby. What did you do? Come on, girl, wake up. Come on please."
"Of course had he known what she was about to do to his life he would have let her hang there."
WISTERIA LANE - NIGHT
"There is a certain time of night when children have been put to bed and husbands have begun snoring, that women lie awake and think of the secrets they've been keeping from their friends."
SUSAN'S BEDROOM
Mike is fast asleep and Susan is wide awake.
"It might be an impromptu wedding..."
LYNETTE'S BEDROOM
Tom is fast asleep and Lynette is wide awake.
"or a recently diagnosed tumor."
BREE'S BEDROOM
Orson is fast asleep and Bree is wide awake.
"Or a make believe pregnancy."
WISTERIA LANE - NIGHT
An Emergency truck comes around the corner with red lights and sirens.
"Regardless, it's all they will think of until something comes along to remind them that other people have secrets too."
FAIRVIEW HOSPITAL
Bree, Susan and Lynette come rushing in. They walk up to Carlos.
Susan: "Carlos. How is she?"
Bree: "What did the doctor say?"
Carlos: "Ah, they've got Edie on a ventilator, but she's gonna be okay."
Lynette: "What the hell happened? How could she pull a stunt like this?"
Carlos: "She left a note which pretty much blames me."
Lynette: "Ah, Sweetie."
Susan: "I can't believe this is happening. It's like Mary Alice all over again."
Bree: "Yes, but the good news is she is going to live."
Lynette: "I know it's her wedding night, but do you think we should call Gaby?"
Carlos: "Oh crap!"
Carlos runs out of the waiting room.
VICTOR'S BEDROOM
Victor, is knocking on the bathroom door.
Victor: "Gaby, you know this better be one hell of a wedding night considering how long you are taking in there."
Gabrielle, fully dressed, is sitting in the bathroom next to her packed suitcases.
Gabrielle: "Trust me, Victor. This will be a night you will never forget."
FLASHBACK
Gabrielle's Wedding Day
Carlos: "Let's get out of here."
Gabrielle: "What?"
Carlos: "I'm serious. You, me, just screw it all. Let's run away together."
Gabrielle: "I just got married. There are two hundred people out there waiting for me to lead a conga line."
Carlos: "Gaby, you just said you don't feel like Victor really loves you and you know I do. I've never stopped."
Gabrielle: "I can't dump him on our wedding day. That's a horrible thing to do. Even to Victor."
Carlos: "He'll get over it. But I've never gotten over losing you and I won't let it happen again."
Carlos grabs Gabrielle and kisses her. They hear Victor outside.
Victor: "Gaby are you in here? Gaby?"
Victor enters the room. Gabrielle is standing very still holding a wedding present.
Victor: "Oh hi."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, I was just counting gifts. Ha Ha."
Victor: "Oh, that's fine. I was actually looking for that publicist guy. You haven't seen him have you."
Gabrielle: "No."
Victor: "Okay, I'll give a holler when I need you."
Victor leaves. Gabrielle pulls up her dress. Carlos crawls out.
Gabrielle: "Come out."
Carlos: "Who doesn't wear underwear on their wedding day?"
Gabrielle: "Focus you idiot! Come on, when are we leaving?"
Carlos: "So, we're doing this? (Gabrielle nods) Great. Ah, it'll take me a few hours to get things together. I'm gonna pick you up tonight. Just be packed and ready to go.
Gabrielle: "Okay, wait. Aren't you going to kiss the bride?"
They kiss passionately.
PRESENT
Gabrielle sits in Victor's Bathroom. Her cell phone rings.
Gabrielle: "Finally. Carlos, where the hell are you?"
Carlos: "I'm at the hospital. Edie tried to kill herself."
Gabrielle: "Oh my God, is she okay?"
Carlos: "I found her just in time, but obviously, I can't come to pick you up tonight."
Gabrielle: "Okay, that's all right. I'll just take a cab and meet you."
Carlos: "Gaby. I can't leave Edie now. Look maybe in a couple weeks."
Gabrielle: "In a few weeks? No, it has to be tonight. Victor's in the bedroom right now waiting to consummate."
Carlos: "And Edie's on a ventilator. Look, you don't have to stay with Victor. You have a house."
Gabrielle: "Okay, you know, running away with you on my wedding night was crazy enough, but running away to be alone is insane!"
Carlos: "Gaby, please. She needs me. Can't you just wait?"
Gabrielle: "No! I would rather try and work it out with Victor!"
Gabrielle hangs up.
Victor: "Gaby! Are you coming to bed?"
SUSAN'S KITCHEN
A card with "One Month Later" on the front. It opens and a drawn picture of Susan's wedding is revealed. Mike is reading it with Susan over his shoulder.
Susan: "Happy one month anniversary."
Mike: "Oh. I didn't know we were doing this."
Susan: "Oh we've just been so happy the last four weeks, I thought we should celebrate."
Mike smiles at the card, puts it down and picks up the morning paper.
Susan: "You are happy, right?"
Mike: "Yeah, I've never been happier."
Susan: "Oh, that's sweet. I don't believe you."
Mike: "Susan."
Susan: "I watch you sometimes and you seem very... disconnected, like something's missing."
Mike: "Nothing is missing."
Susan: "So our life together is exactly how you pictured it. You've gotten everything you want?"
Mike: "Yeah, pretty much."
Susan: "Ah ha!"
Mike: "Ah ha?"
Susan: Pretty much means there is something that you want that you don't have. How can I give it to you if you don't tell me what it is."
Mike: "Susan, I swear, I am ecstatically, beyond my wildest dreams, lip-smackingly happy. You got it?"
Susan: "This marriage is doomed."
Susan walks away. Mike shakes his head and looks out the window.
Mike: "Hey, a moving van just pulled up."
BREE'S KITCHEN
Andrew is sitting having a bowl of cereal. Bree walking in trying to tie on her "fake" pregnant pack."
Bree: "Andrew, I'm having trouble with my strap, could you help me?"
Andrew: "Look, I told you three weeks ago I was no longer participating in your little hoax. That includes strapping you in."
Bree: "Oh for heaven's sake. Orson! Could you come help me please? (to Andrew) I'll remember this the next time you want money for leather pants."
Andrew: "People are gonna find out and then we are all going to look like idiots."
Bree: "Well, not if we're careful."
Andrew: "This isn't the Fifty's, okay? Teenage girls get pregnant all the time. I mean my ex lab partner is practically a grandmother."
Bree: "Look, this family's reputation is already hanging by a thread. I mean first people thought that your stepfather was a wife killer, then your sister takes off with her history teacher, and now we're supposed to parade the little bastard up and down the street. I mean we might as well sit on the porch and play banjos!"
Orson walks in.
Orson: "Bree. You know there's a moving van next door."
LYNETTE'S BEDROOM
Lynette with a pillow on her face and Tom are fast asleep. Someone is knocking on the door.
Parker: "Mom! Are you awake?
Lynette: "Okay Honey, just give me a minute."
She throws off the pillow to reveal her bald head and starts to get out of bed.
Lynette: "Hey! Hey, my wig is gone. Where is it?
Tom: "It's on the night stand."
Lynette: "No, no, I'm looking at the night stand and all I see are a few stray hairs and this sports blooper DVD you thought would cheer me up."
Tom: "Tate Manning is funny."
Parker: "Mom!"
Lynette: "Hey, I'm coming! Don't' just lie there like a lump, come on and help me look!
Tom: "God, there are certain moments when it occurs to me that wouldn't it be easier if we just told everyone that you have Cancer!"
Lynette: "Oh, I found it!"
Tom: "Look, I mean, I get not wanting to scare the kids but to keep all of our friends in the dark its..."
Lynette: (putting on her wig) "Look, I can deal with the Chemo. I can deal with people telling me my hair has never looked better, but what I cannot deal with is the pity, so we are doing it my way."
Tom straightens Lynette's wig roughly.
Tom: "You were crooked."
Lynette opens the bedroom door.
Lynette: "Hey. Sweetie, what's up?"
Parker: "There's a moving van across the street."
GABRIELLE'S HOUSE
Gabrielle walks in and overhears Victor talking to a realtor.
Victor: "So you'll handle this right away? And don't worry about getting top dollar I want this place priced to move."
Gabrielle: "What's going on here?"
Victor: "We're meeting with our realtor. Gaby, you remember Gill?"
Gabrielle: "I remember telling you I wasn't ready to sell the house yet."
Victor: "Gill, could you give us a minute please?"
Gill: "Yeah."
Gill leaves.
Victor: "Gaby, we agreed that after we got married you would sell the house."
Gabrielle: "I still have a lot of stuff here."
Victor: "My house is over ten thousand square feet, I'm pretty sure there are closets."
Gabrielle: "I'm just not in a rush to unload this house, okay? This was my home. I was very happy here."
Victor: "Well you got a new home now. Aren't you happy there?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah, it a great house."
Victor: "Well, good, then sell this place. What are you waiting for?"
Gabrielle: "I'm not waiting for anything. Oh look, a moving van."
WISTERIA LANE - DAY
Movers are unloading boxes and furniture. Bree, Susan, and Lynette are outside watching as Gabrielle walks up.
Gabrielle: "New neighbors. What do we know?"
Bree: "Well, dining chairs, there's a clue."
Lynette: "Yes, it proves they eat sitting down."
Bree: "No, I mean they're Sticklys. That means they have taste."
Gabrielle: "And money. They've been remodeling for weeks."
Susan: "I wish Edie were here. Without her there's no one here to give us the dish."
Bree: "Yet another illustration of the fundamental selfishness of suicide."
An SUV pulls up in front of the home .
Gabrielle: "You think this is them?"
A woman steps out of the SUV
Susan: "Oh my God, Katherine."
Susan runs across the street to the new neighbor.
Susan: "Katherine!"
Katherine: "Ah, Susan!"
They hug.
KATHERINE'S KITCHEN
Katherine is pouring lemonade into Susan's glass.
Susan: "I cannot believe it has been twelve years. You haven't changed a bit."
Katherine: "You clearly have, your eyesite's going."
Gabrielle, Bree and Lynette are also in the kitchen.
Susan: "How's your Aunt? Katherine use to live here with Mrs. Sims."
Katherine: "No very well, I'm afraid. That's really the reason why we moved back. We didn't want poor Aunt Lily to spend her final days in a nursing home"
Bree: "That is so kind of you."
Susan: "Yeah, it is."
Katherine: "And as luck would have it, my husband found a job here."
Katherine's husband walks up the stairs carrying a box.
Katherine: 'Adam, could you wave or something?'
Adam: "Hello ladies. Looking forward to meeting you when I'm a little less sweaty."
Gabrielle: "He's a cutie! What does he do?
Katherine: "He's a doctor."
Lynette: "Okay, don't take this personally, but we hate you."
In walks a young lady.
Dylan: "Mom? I finished unpacking my room. Do you need any help?
Susan: "Oh my God. This is not little Dylan? I'm Susan, Julie's mom. She is going to be so excited to see you."
Dylan: "Great. Who's Julie again?"
Katherine: "Honey, you remember your best friend when you were little."
Dylan: "Oh right."
Katherine: "Why don't you go help your stepfather with the last few boxes?"
Dylan: "It was nice meeting you all."
She goes upstairs.
Bree: "What a beautiful family. I feel so lucky to have you for a neighbor."
Katherine: "No, I am the lucky one. Look at my view. Your garden is absolutely breathtaking. And that pine tree in the back yard."
Bree: "It's my pride and joy."
Katherine: "Oh it absolutely kills me to have to ask you to cut it down."
Bree: "Excuse me?"
Katherine: "Well I'm sorry but I'm not going to be able to grow my prize winning vegetables with that tree blocking all the sunlight."
Bree: "Oh, I'm sorry about your vegetables but that pine blocks my view of the Purcell's back yard and if you've ever seen Mr. Purcell sun bath, well you'd know exactly what that tree means to me."
Everyone laughs uncomfortably.
Katherine: "Well, I don't want to quarrel. We will not touch that tree until we have come up with a solution to our problem. Curtains perhaps?"
Susan: "So you're back. How fun. I should have a brunch so that everyone can get to know you."
Katherine: "No, no need. I'm having a barbeque this Saturday. I'm inviting the whole neighborhood."
Susan: "Oh, you don't need to do that."
Katherine: "I insist. I have missed Wisteria Lane so much and I want to do something special for my dear old friends. And all you lovely newcomers."
DEPARTMENT STORE
Orson and Bree are shopping.
Bree: "The nice thing about this fake pregnancy is that my feet don't swell. And I really wouldn't be able to squeeze into the slingbacks if I really was eight and a half months pregnant."
Mrs. McKeever: "Bree, don't you look radiant."
Bree: "Oh hello, Mrs. McKeever."
Mrs. McKeever: "Well I heard that you were expecting, but I had no idea how far along you were. May I?"
Mrs. McKeever reaches to touch Bree's stomach. Bree backs away quickly.
Bree: "Oh! There's no need. The baby's just not kicking right now."
Mrs. McKeever: "Sometimes, if you give them a little jiggle, you can get them to move."
She reaches for Bree's stomach again. Bree pulls back.
Bree: "Oh!!"
Orson: "Oh, she doesn't really want to be jiggled right now. She's very sensitive down there."
Mrs. McKeever: "But I'll be gentle. You know in my day mother's thought that it was good luck."
She reaches for Bree's stomach again. Bree grabs her wrist.
Bree: "Perhaps I need to make my point a little more clearly!"
Mrs. McKeever: "Bree. You're hurting me."
Store manager walks up.
Manager: "Is there a problem here?"
Bree: "No, not at all. I'm just saying hello to a very dear friend of mine."
Manager walks away. Bree grips Mrs. McKeever's hand tightly again.
Bree: "Are you gonna back off now?"
Mrs. McKeever nods very frightened. Orson pulls Bree's hand off Mrs. McKeever.
Orson: "Cars here dear. Lovely to see you Mrs. McKeever."
Orson escorts Bree away.
Bree: "Why must old ladies always do that?'
Orson: "I don't know but you've got to stop roughing them up!"
DOCTOR'S EXAM ROOM
Susan sits in a hospital gown. Nurse walks in.
Nurse: "I'm sorry, Susan, Dr. Gornburg just had a patient go into labor. His new partner is covering for him if you are comfortable with that."
Susan: "Sure, I'm just here for a check up."
Nurse: "Doctor?"
Adam, Katherine's husband walks in.
Adam: "Thank you. Hi, I'm Dr. Mayfair. I'm gonna....
He stops as he recognizes Susan.
Adam: "Hold it. Have we met?"
Susan: "Yes, yesterday. Susan Meyer, your new neighbor."
Adam: "Right."
Susan: "I.. I didn't know you were this kind of doctor."
Adam: "I sure am."
Adam pulls up the stirrups on the table and sits between Susan's legs and begins putting on gloves.
Susan: "Listen, um,.. maybe this isn't..."
Adam: "Feet up please."
Susan: "Okay."
Susan lays down and puts her feet in the stirrups.
Adam: "And skooch down."
Susan skooches.
Susan: "It's just that it's weird you know considering you're .. Where'd you go?"
Adam working between Susan's legs under a sheet.
Adam: "And relax."
Susan: "Sorry."
Adam: "And relax."
Susan: "Sorry.
Adam: "And relax."
Susan: "Sorry, Hey, not to change the subject but when is Dr. Gornburg coming back?"
Adam: "Almost done. You know, Katherine has talked about you for years. It's nice to finally put a face to the name."
BARCLIFF ACADEMY AUDITORIUM
Lynette is sitting with her mother, Stella. Lynette keeps fidgeting with her wig. Murielle walks in looking for someone.
Murielle: "Lynette!"
Lynette: "Murielle, how are you doing? What's up? You look good."
Murielle: "Don't try to sweet talk me, Lynette Scavo, I am fit to be tied. Did you or did you not volunteer to run the fundraising gala?"
Lynette: "Yeah. Things have been a little weird lately. "
Murielle: "Don't even think of wriggling out of this Lynette. Every other third grade mom has chaired an event. It is your turn!"
Lynette: "Okay. I'll jump right on it."
Murielle: "Great, okay."
Murielle walks away.
Stella: "See, that's where someone with half a brain would played the Cancer card."
Lynette: "I can handle it."
Stella: "Like hell! You've been nauseous all day from the Chemo."
Lynette: "Shhhhh!"
Stella: (whispering) "You shouldn't even be here."
Lynette: "It's my life. Some stupid disease is not going to keep me from living it. Beside, Parker is expecting to see me."
Lynette waves at Parker peeking out from behind the curtain. Parker waves back.
Stella: "Okay he saw you. We'll duck out when the lights go down."
Lynette: "He's gonna be watching for me all day. He's one of the leads."
Stella: "He's Friar Tuck. It's a thankless role."
Play begins, lights go down.
ADAM'S EXAMINING ROOM
Adam walks in with Susan's chart.
Adam: "Well everything seems normal. But you say you've been having irregular periods."
Susan: "Yeah. You know, one month off, two month on. That happens, right?"
Adam: "Ever experience night sweats?"
Susan: "Um..sometimes. But Mike's a big spooner. He's like sleeping with a Hibachi."
Adam: "How about hot flashes?"
Susan: "Okay, whoa. I'm gonna stop you right there. I am way too young for that. Please refer to your chart."
Adam: "Susan, I know for a lot of women the word Menopause has a lot of negative connotations. They hear aging, brittle bones, loss of sexual desire."
Susan: "Okay, before we go any further can I just check those diplomas cause I would just like to make sure they're not from some med school in the Philippines."
Adam: "Look there's a simple blood test we can use to find out..."
Susan: "I don't need any test. I am not old enough for Menopause. Now I don't know what kind of nonsense they taught you at Harvard Medical School, Class of 97? Oh My God. I am old! Just gimme the damn test!"
BARCLIFF ACADEMY AUDITORIUM
Parker on stage.
Parker: "We will live in these woods until our work is done. If the Sheriff comes, we will drive him away with our bows and arrows."
Lynette is getting more and more nauseous. Her mother watches her.
Stella: "You okay?"
Lynette: "I'm feeling a little .... I'm fine."
Parker: (on stage) "I beseech thee. Pray that I may join your band of merry men."
Lynette fans herself.
Parker: "I am more than just a jolly friar for I can have both a sword and an arrow. We must support Robin Hood."
Lynette: "Oh, I'm gonna be sick."
Man sitting next to Lynette: "Right there with you lady."
Parker: (on stage) "All hail Robin Hood."
Audience applauds and stands up. Lynette is getting more and more nauseous.
Stella: "Okay, let's go."
Lynette: "It's too late!"
Lynette grabs a large black purse off the floor and vomits into it. She puts it back and stands up and claps.
Lynette: "Bravo!! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'll get you a new purse."
Stella: "Fine, but that wasn't my purse."
They both look down at the purse and sees that it belongs to Murielle.
WISTERIA LANE - DAY
Katherine Barbeque. She is walking around talking to guests.
Katherine: "Hello, do you have everything you need? You just let me know. Hi! Good to see you. Oh you look great."
Mrs. McCluskey is at the buffet table getting food.
Katherine: "Mrs. McCluskey. Hello. How are you? Do you remember me?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "You're Bess Truman, right? Of course I remember you. If that's your way of checking if my brains gone all tapioca, I'm fine."
Katherine: "Sorry."
Mrs. McCluskey: "So I saw your kid and your new husband. Nice catch."
Katherine: "Oh, well, thank you. I'm very eager for him to experience life on Wisteria Lane. Times that Dylan and I spent here were the happiest of our lives."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Yeah? They why'd you take off so suddenly? You skipped town without even saying goodbye."
Katherine: "My, you do remember a lot, don't you? Excuse me, I really must mingle."
Mike at the buffet table with Susan. Mike smells his plate.
Mike: "These eggs are passed their prime."
Susan: "Oh, so you just shun them and throw them away?"
Mike: "Well, yeah, since mayonnaise kept out in the sun can kill ya. Everything okay? You seem kinda moody today."
Susan: "Yeah, get use to it."
Mike: "Okay, did I do something wrong?"
Susan: "No, I'm sorry. I'm just a little.... You know, forget it. Let's eat."
Mrs. McKeever at a table with other older ladies calls out to Susan.
Mrs. McKeever: "Yoo hoo Susan, we saved you a place."
Ladies: "Come on, we want you over here."
Susan starts to cry and runs off.
Julie walks up to Dylan and hugs her.
Julie: "Oh my God, Dylan."
Dylan: "Hi."
Julie: "It's me, Julie."
Katherine runs up.
Katherine: "Julie's the one we were talking about. Hi Honey."
Julie: "Hi."
Katherine: "She was your best friend."
Julie: "Yeah, and I brought you a little welcome back gift. You're favorite."
Katherine: "Oh my goodness. You remember how you use to love licorice."
Dylan: "I did?"
Katherine: "Ah huh."
Dylan: "Okay."
Julie: "Come on, I've got some of the old gang I want you to meet."
Susan and Mike are sitting at a bench.
Mike: "Menopause? Aren't you a little young for that?"
Susan: "I know. And you thought you married a vibrant woman in her prime and instead you got a wife who is dry and dusty."
Mike: (laughs) "Oh, honey. It's a natural part of life."
Susan: "Yeah, the part before death!"
Mike: "I know that it's upsetting, but it's really not that big a deal."
Susan: "Yes, it is. What if you want to have kids?"
Mike: "We agreed that we didn't."
Susan: "No you said you did. I said I didn't and you changed your mind. What if you change it back?"
Mike: "That's not gonna happen."
Susan: "Listen, my last egg could be on its way down the chute this very moment. If you want to have kids you might want to jump on it, right now!"
Mike: "All right, this is all very romantic but let me be clear about this, okay? I love you and if kids don't happen, I'm fine with that."
Susan: "I don't want you to be fine. I want you to be happy."
Mike: "All right, I'm just trying to find a nice way to shut you up so.."
Mike kisses Susan.
Susan: "Yup, we're doomed."
Mike: "Hey, look who's back."
Carlos is escorting Edie down the street.
Susan: "Oh my gosh, she's out of the clinic."
Edie: "Thanks, Darling."
Lynette, Bree, Gabrielle and Susan approach Edie.
Lynette: "Hi."
Edie: "Hi, oh careful, the neck."
Lynette: "Oh, sorry."
Edie: "Thank you all so much for the cards. Sometimes
it takes a near tragedy to realize just how much you're loved."
Edie tries to put her arm in Carlos' arm, and he pulls away.
Carlos: "So why don't you talk to your friends and I'll go unpack the car."
Edie: "Oh, thanks Sweetheart."
Carlos drives away.
Edie: "I have to admit that I was little concerned about how you would react when you saw me, but this, throwing me a party."
The ladies stare at each other awkwardly.
Susan: "Well, we just all love ya!"
Lynette: "Edie you look great, especially... you know.., given the circumstances."
Edie: "You mean that I tried to hang myself? Oh, it's okay, the doctor encouraged me to talk about it."
Bree: "Surely, not over food."
Edie: "Well, Carlos and I talk about it all the time. You know, and this whole thing has just brought us closer together. We've actually talked about marriage."
The ladies laugh nervously. Katherine joins the group as Gabrielle walks away.
Katherine: "Hello, I don't think we've met. I'm Katherine Mayfair, your new neighbor."
Edie: "Oh, Edie. It's a pleasure to meet you. Welcome to my party."
Katherine stares at Lynette bewildered. Carlos is by his car emptying the trunk. Gabrielle walks up.
Gabrielle: "So I hear congratulations are in order. Edie just announced you are getting married. Best wishes."
Carlos: "We're not engaged. That was kinda of a 'what if' conversation."
Gabrielle: "Really because she thinks you're getting married. Everyone else thinks you're getting married. So, again, best wishes."
Carlos: "Gaby, the woman tried to kill herself because I left her. She's not real good with disappointment."
Gabrielle: "Neither am I! You told me you want to run away together and then I don't hear from you for a month!"
Carlos: "That was only because I was going through stuff with Edie, but it doesn't mean I wasn't thinking about you constantly."
Gabrielle: "You were not."
Carlos: "Yes, I was! Every second of every day!"
Gabrielle: "Yeah, well, I kinda thought about you too."
Carlos: "I need to be with you, Gaby."
Gabrielle: "Yeah? Prove it!"
Carlos: "Can you get away tonight?"
Gabrielle: "Oh my god, are you serious?"
Carlos: "Damn right I am."
Carlos pulls Gabrielle down behind the car. They begin kissing passionately.
Carlos: "I just have to be back by midnight to give Edie her pills."
Gabrielle pushes Carlos away.
Gabrielle: "What?"
Carlos: "If we're gonna have an affair we've gotta be discreet!"
Gabrielle: "Affair? I thought we were talking about running away together."
Carlos: "I can't do that. Edie's too fragile right now."
Carlos pulls Gabrielle behind the car again and starts kissing her. Gabrielle hits him.
Gabrielle: "That old battleaxe is going to outlive us all!"
Carlos: "Hey, don't talk about her like that."
Gabrielle: "Oh far be it from me to speak ill of the future Mrs. Carlos Solis."
Carlos: "We are not getting married!"
Gabrielle: (storming away) "Best Wishes!!"
WISTERIA LANE - DAY
Katherine's barbeque. Orson is serving himself and Bree is on the cell phone. Two boys run up to the table to get some chicken. They leave the barbeque fork poking outward.
Bree: "That's my final answer! (hangs up) That was Danielle. Now she wants us to send a DVD player for her room."
Orson: "That hardly seems extravagant."
Bree: "You're missing the point! It's a convent, not the Four Seasons! You have mustard on your chin."
Bree goes to the table to get a napkin. The protruding fork pokes her in the "pregnancy pack." She pulls away from the table with the fork lodged in her "pack." Bree walks back to Orson to wipe his face.
Bree: "I mean it's one thing to forgive bad behavior, it's another thing to reward it."
As Bree wipes the mustard off Orson Ida see the fork protruding from Bree's stomach.
Ida: "Ahhhhh. Bree!! Oh my God!"
Ida runs over frantic.
Ida: "Are you all right?"
Bree looks down and sees the fork protruding from her belly and pulls it out.
Bree: "Oh no, I'm fine. I'm fine."
Ida: "You're bleeding."
Bree: "No, no, no, it's just a little barbeque sauce."
Ida: "Where is Katherine's husband? He's a doctor."
Orson: "She's fine."
Ida: (yelling) "Adam? Adam!"
Adam runs over.
Ida: "Get over here right now! Bree got stabbed in the belly!"
Adam: "Oh my God, are you all right? Let me take a look!"
Orson steps in the way and Bree turns around.
Bree: "No it's nothing!"
Orson: "We were just teasing Ida. It's something we do."
Bree: "Yes."
Orson: "Look, it's a trick barbeque fork. We got it at a magic shop. Ahh, see! " (He stabs Bree's belly)
Bree: "Ohh."
Orson: "Retractable!!"
Orson and Bree laugh. Orson stabs her again.
Bree: (laughing) "Oh, oh, my baby!"
Adam: "Wow, it's quite a trick."
Orson: "Hey, let's go freak out Mrs. McCluskey."
They "high five:' each other and Orson runs off.
Bree: "He's such a scamp!"
PICNIC TABLE
Lynette and her mom are sitting and Tom comes up behind them.
Tom: "Psycho mom at five o'clock. You say the word and she gets a face full of pig bones."
Murielle approaches them.
Lynette: "Oh, my hero. (kisses Tom) I can handle her."
Murielle: "Lynette, I just spoke with Helen and imagine my surprise when she told me you'd not started on the decorations for the gala."
Lynette: "I'm in charge of decorations?"
Murielle: "Yes! Which you would have known had you bothered to pick up the packet!"
Murielle hands Lynette a package as her mother looks on. Murielle walks away as Lynette opens the packet.
Lynette: "I don't want to hear it."
Stella: "Okay."
Penny runs up to the table.
Penny: "Piggyback, Mommy."
Lynette leans over and starts picking up Penny but she is too tired and cannot.
Lynette: "I'm sorry, Sweetie. I'm just... I'm just too tired right now"
Stella: "Here Honey. I'll get ya. Ohh.."
Stella picks up Penny and Penny giggles.
Stella: "Oh yes. Mommy has to conserve her energy for more important things."
WISTERIA LANE - DAY
Bree and Orson are running away from the barbeque.
Bree: "We're not throwing in the towel over a minor mishap."
Orson: "How many more mishaps are we going to get away with? Yesterday it was an old woman in the Macy's shoe department. Today a magic fork in the belly! Pretty soon the whole charade will completely unravel and we will be humiliated."
Bree: "We are already in too deep."
Orson: "We could go on a trip. Tell people you miscarried while we were away."
Bree: "And then what would happen to the baby?"
Orson: "Danielle would keep it."
Bree: "You think Danielle could raise this child? You haven't seen her in action. She's shallow and she's selfish. She would ruin this child's life!"
Orson: "How can you say that?"
Bree: "Because I'm her mother. I know what I've created and that's the real humiliation. Orson, this child deserve better. And I know what to do now. Please, please let me try."
Orson: "So really what you want is a second chance?"
Bree: "Well would that be so horrible?"
Orson gently places his hands on the pregnancy pack.
Orson: "Well then, let the charade continue."
As the walk back toward the picnic, Lynette and Murielle are walking away.
Murielle: "So you're bailing on me now?"
Lynette: "I know the timing is terrible."
Murielle: "Damn right, it's three weeks before the Gala!"
Lynette: "I just didn't realize how tired I would be when I took this on."
Murielle: "Oh we're all tired, Lynette! But some of us still manage to honor our commitments."
Lynette: "Okay, I'm going to be honest with you. I haven't been feeling that great."
Murielle: "Oh don't complain to me about your aches and pains. I've had to same migraine since '87. And my knee is so bad I can't even use the treadmill anymore."
Lynette: "Ahh, yeah. That's rough!"
Murielle: "Ummm!"
Lynette: "By the way... (pulling off her wig to reveal her bald head) I have Cancer."
Murielle: (staring in shock) "I'll give Helen a call."
Murielle walks away quickly. Lynette looks up and sees Bree, Gabrielle and Susan looking at her in shock.
PARK BENCH
Lynette, sans wig, Susan, Bree and Gabrielle are talking.
Lynette: "So I am halfway through Chemo (Puts wig on) and my doctor is very confident that I'm going to beat this. So you can all relax. I'm not going to die."
Gabrielle: "Well, not unless we kill you."
Lynette: "Huh?"
Susan: "Damn it Lynette, what did we say after Mary Alice? After Edie? Why didn't they tell us?"
Bree: "We're your friends. Why would you shut us out?"
Lynette: "I just liked being able to throw on my wig and join you guys for a cup of coffee and a good gossip about the new neighbors. You know for five minutes I could pretend I wasn't a sick person. But once your friends know you're sick, you can't pretend anymore. Cause you can see it in their eyes. The fear, the pity."
Susan: "Is that all you see in our eyes?"
Lynette: "No, no, of course not. You know what, let's make a pact. No more secrets. From now on we tell each other every shocking detail of our lives."
Lynette holds out her hand. Susan holds it.
Susan: "I'm in."
Gabrielle: "Me too."
Gabrielle grabs their hands.
Lynette: (to Bree who is holding her stomach) "You with us?"
Bree: "Absolutely."
Bree pats her stomach and reaches for the girls hands.
Bree: "No more secrets."
VICTOR'S STUDY
Victor is reading a document. Gabrielle put a bottle of wine on top of it. Victor looks up at Gabrielle holding two wine glasses.
Gabrielle: "You're right. I'm not happy. Let's talk."
Focus on half empty wine bottle.
Gabrielle: "All I'm saying is I just want to know that I come first with you. Sometimes I feel less like a wife than a possession. It's demeaning, its... why are you smiling right now?
Victor: "Because this is fantastic. After weeks of shutting me out you're finally telling me how you feel. We should do this all the time."
Gabrielle: "Well it's hard when you are so busy. Maybe we should go away. Let's just take a couple weeks or a month. Let's rediscover what it made us fall in love to begin with."
Victor: "That is a great idea. Let's do it."
Gabrielle: "How's next week?"
Victor grabs his calendar and flips through it.
Victor: "Let's see. Umm. Well I got the meeting with the school board on Tuesday. And the end of the month I've got that conference in Washington. Oh shoot! I've got the ground breaking for the new Civic Center. Dad's birthday.
Economic Development forum. How about April? I can give you two whole weeks in April."
EDIE'S HOUSE
Carlos comes running down the stairs. Edie is sitting on the couch.
Carlos: "I'll see you later, Babe."
Edie: "Where are you going?"
Carlos: "To Scavo's for a few beers."
Edie: "Oh, can I come?"
Carlos: "Ahhhh. No."
Edie: "Why not?
Carlos: "Edie. I know you've been through a lot lately, but I can't hold your hand twenty four hours a day. If you want this relationship to work you gotta give me some down time."
Carlos walks out.
GABRIELLE'S HOUSE
Carlos knocks and walks in.
Carlos: "Okay, so I managed to get away from Edie. What do you want?"
Gabrielle: "To get you away from Edie."
Gabrielle grabs Carlos and they begin kissing passionately.
WISTERIA LANE - DAY
Julie and Dylan are sitting at a park bench. Julie is showing photographs.
Julie: "Oh, come on, you have to remember your boyfriend, Joey Miller. You use to chase him around the jungle gym,"
Dylan: "Really, you think I would have gone for this guy with the sexy finger up his nose."
Julie: "So you don't remember any of the kids we use to play with?"
Dylan: "No, to be honest, I don't remember anything about living here."
Julie: "Really? So what is your earliest memory."
Dylan: "I don't know if this is a memory but for years I've had to creepy dream. I'm really little and there's a guy in my room and he tries to grab me."
Julie: "That is creepy. Have you ever talk to somebody about it?"
Dylan: "You mean like a therapist? My old baby sitter suggested that but my Mom got mad and said no."
Julie: "Really?"
Dylan: "Yeah. Then she fired the baby sitter."
SUSAN'S OFFICE
Susan is working on her drawings.
Adam: "Susan?"
Susan: "I'm in here."
Adam walks in.
Adam: "Your front door was open."
Susan: "No problem. Ah, what's up?"
Adam: "First let me say this is one of the more embarrassing moments of my career and you have every right to hate me."
Susan: "Adam, I have no idea what you're talking about."
Adam: "Well your test results came back and your Estrogen levels are fine. You're not about to start Menopause."
Susan: "Really? That's fantastic!"
Adam: "There's more."
Susan: "More?"
Mike walks in.
Adam: "You're pregnant."
Mike: "What? What did he just say?"
Susan: "I'm pregnant?"
Adam nods. Susan turns to Mike.
Susan: "He said I'm pregnant."
They laugh and Mike picks Susan up and they kiss.
Mike: "I have never been happier."
Susan: "Well now, I believe you."
EDIE'S LIVING ROOM
Carlos is sleeping on the couch. Edie comes downstairs.
Edie: "There you are."
Carlos: "Ah, I'm sorry. I got in late last night and I didn't want to wake you."
Edie: "You don't have to explain. I trust you."
Carlos: "Well good, you should."
Edie: "I just wish you trusted me a bit more."
Carlos: "What are you talking about?"
Edie: "Why didn't you tell me about your off shore bank account?"
Carlos: "What?"
Edie: "Well you know. The one in the Cayman Islands with ten million dollars in it. I miss you when you're gone. Going through your things makes me feel like you're with me."
Carlos: "Okay, I know how this looks."
Edie: "What did you think I was going to do? Tell people? Turn you in? Try to get my little hands on it? I don't care about money Carlos. All I care about is you. That's why this relationship is going to work. You can trust me with your secrets. Just like I can trust you not to hurt me."
WISTERIA LANE - MORNING
The paperboy is delivering the morning paper as kids are running to catch the school bus.
"There is a certain time of morning. It occurs after kids have left for school. And husbands have headed off for work."
LYNETTE'S HOUSE
Lynette is looking out her window drinking coffee with a scarf around her head.
"It's a time when women think of the secrets they've been keeping from their friends."
GABRIELLE'S HOUSE
Gabrielle is looking out her window drinking coffee.
"And how shocked they would be if the truth were discovered."
BREE'S HOUSE
Bree is looking out her window drinking coffee.
"And how they would do everything in their power to keep that from happening."
SUSAN'S HOUSE
Susan is looking out her window drinking juice, smiling.
"But what of those lucky women who have no secrets left to keep. What do they think about every morning?"
Susan: (to Julie) "Hey. Is something wrong?
Julie: "It's just Dylan and I use to be best friends. I mean we did everything together."
Susan: "I know. She was like a sister to you."
Julie: "Well, that girl that I've been hanging out with, and I know this is going to sound crazy but, that's not the same girl."
Julie picks up her backpack and leaves. Susan turns back to the window looking at the Mayfair house.
"These women think of their neighbors and the secrets they may be keeping."
MAYFAIR HOUSE
Katherine is standing in a dark room upstairs. Adam enters.
Adam: "There you are. I've been calling you. Is this the room?"
Katherine: "Yes. Dylan's been asking me if she can move in here."
Adam: "So let her. You may remember what happened here, but she can't."
Katherine: "Doesn't matter. I won't allow it."
Adam: "Hey, are you okay? Did we make a mistake coming back here?"
They walk out and Adam closes the door and lock it.
The End
