Épisode Commérages S03E20 - Desperate Housewives Saison 3

SCAVO RESTAURANT

Mary Alice: "The night of her engagement party, Gabrielle Solis was injured. But she wasn't hurt by the chauffer who almost slammed a door on her fingers...or the stranger who almost stepped on her hand...or the waiter who almost dropped a knife on her wrist. No, Gabrielle's injury came about in a more unexpected fashion and was caused by someone Gabrielle thought was her friend."

Gabrielle and Lynette are at a table when a waiter stops by with two glasses of wine. Lynette takes them.

Lynette: "Thank you. So have you told Bree about your engagement?"

Gabrielle: "Yep. She's on the top of a Swiss Alp and still managed to send a basket of muffins."

Lynette: "You're kidding."

Gabrielle: "No. Damn things traveled five thousand miles, and they were still moist."

Lynette: "I don't know how she does it. Hey, it's getting late. Let's break out the champagne."

Gabrielle: "Wait, wait. You're not gonna embarrass me with some sappy toast, are you?"

Lynette: "I'm not, but Susan's written a poem."

Gabrielle: "A poem?"

Lynette: "She's reworked the lyrics to "Wind Beneath My Wings.""

They both look over to where Susan is standing with a microphone and holding a piece of paper.

Susan: "Testing. One, two, three, testing."

Gabrielle turns to Lynette.

Gabrielle: "What are you waiting for? Get the champagne."

Lynette: "Okay."

Lynette leaves. Gabrielle starts walking over to the bar. Edie walks up to her.

Edie: "Hey, Gaby."

Gabrielle: "Hi, Edie!"

Edie: "So I finally met Victor. He is so charming."

Gabrielle: "Isn't he great? I know it's been quick, but he's just so amazing."

Edie: "So you really love him? He is the one?"

Gabrielle: "He is, and I've never been happier."

Edie: "I am so thrilled for you."

Gabrielle: "Edie, are you okay?"

Edie: "Yes! Oh, yes. Yes, I'm--I'm fine. I..."

Gabrielle: "Oh, sweetie. Don't worry. You're gonna find someone soon. I just know it. What?"

Edie: "Well, actually, I have found someone. And I am...crazy about him."

Gabrielle: "Well, who is it?"

Edie: "Oh, no. No, no. Tonight is about you."

Gabrielle: "Oh, no, no, Edie. Come on. It would make me happy to know who's making you happy."

Edie: "Really?"

Gabrielle: "Yeah! I wanna know who's putting that dopey grin on your face."

Edie: "Well, actually, it's...Carlos."

Gabrielle: "Who?"

Edie: "Carlos. I've been seeing Carlos."

The glass of wine that Gabrielle is holding shatters as Gabrielle squeezes it too tightly.

"Mary Alice: And this is how Gabrielle Solis came to be injured the night of her engagement party. And though she seemed to laugh it off, Gabrielle had been cut much, much deeper than anyone could see."

WISTERIA LANE

Woman: "Greg is definitely off the wagon. Last week..."

Mary Alice: "Gossip--for most housewives, it's just a harmless form of recreation, an exchange of semi-interesting tidbits concerning the semi-interesting lives of people they know."

Ida Greenberg: "That mailman was in Sarah's house over an hour. Packages weren't all he's delivering."

Woman: "I could smell the whiskey on Amy's breath. It wasn't even noon yet."

Woman: "Joanne may say that she was off on a religious retreat, but since when does praying make your boobs bigger?"

Mary Alice: "But the time comes in every neighborhood when something very interesting happens, and that's when gossip stops being recreation and becomes...obsession."

Susan, Lynette, and Gabrielle stand in front of Lynette's house, watching Mrs. McCluskey's house.

Gabrielle: "What kind of woman would keep her husband's body in the freezer?"

Susan: "For ten years? It's crazy. Has anybody talked to her?"

Lynette: "I've knocked twice. She's not answering."

Susan: "Oh, I saw the curtain move. I think I saw a hand."

Lynette: "Oh, great. Now we know she's watching us."

Gabrielle: "Why should we be embarrassed? We're not the ones who kept a corpse-icle in the basement."

Susan: "Oh, that's right. She babysat your kids."

Lynette: "Oh, please, I don't want to think of how many times she brought them ice cream from that basement. I mean, jeez, if you want to keep your husband on ice, at least have a dedicated freezer."

Susan: "Do you think she actually killed him?"

Gabrielle: "Uh, yeah. Why else would she have hid the body?"

Lynette: "Well, so far, she's only been charged with improper disposal of a corpse."

Gabrielle: "But once they defrost the body and do an autopsy, I guarantee you they're gonna find a bellyful of arsenic."

Parker: "What's arsenic?"

The three women turn around to find Parker standing there.

Lynette: "It's just-- it's something yucky, honey. Go on and play with your ball. Go on."

Parker leaves.

Lynette: "We're trying so hard to protect them from this. There are just some things that kids don't need to know about."

Susan: "Hell, there's some things we don't need to know about."

Gabrielle looks over at Edie's place, where Edie is putting the trash out.

Gabrielle: "Would you guys excuse me?"

She leaves.

Gabrielle: "Hey, Edie!"

Edie: "Oh, hi, Gaby! What's up?"

Gabrielle: "I've been doing some thinking, and you know how...how do I put this? You know how you feel like sometimes people hate you?"

Edie: "I don't feel like that."

Gabrielle: "We, you should, 'cause they do."

Edie: "Since when?"

Gabrielle: "Since you started doing things to piss people off."

Edie: "About what?"

Gabrielle: "Oh, I don't know. Off the top of my head...dating your friends' exes."

Edie: "Oh. Oh, so that big smile on your face the other night was all an act. You're not fine with me seeing Carlos."

Gabrielle: "Edie, there are a thousand single men in Fairview. Why do you have to date my ex-husband?"

Edie: "You're engaged to somebody else! What do you care?"

Gabrielle: "It's awkward! It's--it's like if I donated a dress to charity, and I went to a party, and you showed up wearing it."

Edie: "Again, if you gave it away in the first place, then what the hell are you bitching about?"

Gabrielle: "Look, Edie, just find your own men and stop snapping up other people's castoffs!"

Edie: "And what if I don't?"

Gabrielle: "Then be prepared to suffer the consequences."

Edie: "Oh, please. You are as tall as my legs. What are you gonna do?"

Gabrielle: "You're about to find out."

SUSAN'S HOUSE

Susan and Julie are putting away groceries when the doorbell rings. Julie looks out the window.

Susan: "Who is it this time?"

Julie: "Um... it's Ian. You gonna talk to him?"

Susan: "No."

Julie: "Uh, he's got flowers."

Susan: "I don't care."

Julie: "Looks like it's two dozen roses."

Susan: "Oh, good. I hope the thorns rip him to shreds."

Julie: "Okay, mom, I know what Mike and Ian did was wrong, but--"

Susan: "They bet me in a game of poker. They made decisions about my life over a hand of five-card stud. Wrong does not even begin to cover it."

Julie: "Okay, okay, but there are only two guys in this world who know all of your flaws and have still found a way to love you. You're just gonna toss 'em both away?"

Susan: "Yes. I don't need a man. I don't even need sex. I went without it the first sixteen years...twenty-two years of my life, and I can go a few more."

Julie looks out the window again.

Julie: "This should be interesting."

Susan: "What?"

Julie: "Mike just walked up."

OUTSIDE SUSAN'S HOUSE

Mike leans against the fence as he begins talking to Ian.

Mike: "Give it up. She didn't answer the first ten times. She's not gonna answer it now. Oh, this is getting sad. Take it like a Brit-- stiff upper lip."

Ian: "You know what? I've just about bloody had it with you. I preferred you when you were comatose and pooping in a bag!"

Mike: "Well, lucky for you, I don't have that bag right now."

Ian: "All right, that does it."

Ian throws down the roses and stalks towards Mike. Julie opens the door.

Julie: "Uh, excuse me? Guys? Hi. Um, my mom would really like for both of you to leave."

From inside, behind the door, Susan prompts Julie on what to say.

Susan: "Don't soft-pedal it. Let 'em know I mean business."

Julie: "Uh, 'cause if you-- if you don't, she'll be very, very disappointed."

Susan: "Rip 'em!"

Julie: "So just, um...go home and think about what you've done."

Susan hits Julie in the leg.

Julie: "If you want something bitchier, do it yourself!"

The door closes.

SCAVO RESTAURANT

In the deserted restaurant, Rick places a plate of food in front of Lynette, who's sitting at a table.

Rick: "Here we are--ravioli stuffed with duck confit in a porcini cream sauce. What do you think?"

Lynette: "I think it's a shame you didn't make any for yourself."

She reaches out and pulls Rick's plate of food towards her slightly. Her phone rings. She answers it and it's Tom.

Lynette: "Hi, honey."

Tom: "Hey, I just wanted to say I love you."

Lynette: "Aren't you sweet? What's that noise in the background? Are the boys still up?"

Tom: "Yeah, they don't want to go to bed."

Lynette: "Well, of course they don't. They're kids. You're the dad. Make 'em."

Tom: "Well, I tried, honey, but they wanna wait up for you. They...they miss their mom."

Lynette: "Ah, is this your way of guilting me into coming back home?"

Tom: "Lynette, the--the restaurant did close a half-hour ago. Preston, don't throw pudding!"

Lynette: "Oh, Tom...I'm sorry. I can't come home. We're, um...doing inventory, so...it could be a while."

Tom: "Well, okay. Try to hurry?"

Lynette: "I will. I love you. Bye."

She hangs up.

Rick: "Inventory?"

Lynette: "I know. I'm a horrible person. I just chose ravioli over motherhood. I should--I should go home."

Rick: "Lynette, you got nothing to feel guilty about. You bust your ass in this restaurant every day to keep it going, and if anybody deserves a little downtime, it's you."

Lynette: "Those are shameless rationalizations. Keep them coming."

She gestures to the ravioli.

Lynette: "Those, too."

He feeds her a piece of ravioli.

OUTSIDE LYNETTE'S HOUSE

Parker is standing outside the house, watching Mrs. McCluskey clean her front door. Tom walks outside slowly, leaning heavily on a cane.

Tom: "There you are. What are you doing outside?"

Parker: "Some big kids threw eggs at Mrs. McCluskey's house."

Tom: "Oh, jeez. They shouldn't have done that."

Parker: "We should go talk to her."

Tom: "No. It's late. Uh, she probably doesn't want us to bother her."

Parker: "Come on, bud. Bedtime."

They go inside.

GABRIELLE'S HOUSE

Gabrielle is talking to Susan and Lynette.

Gabrielle: "So here's what's gonna happen-- we're not talking to Edie anymore."

Lynette: "What do you mean, we?"

Gabrielle: "I mean, we as in she betrayed me, and you're my best friends, so you're gonna support me because that's what friends do."

Susan: "And support you means...acting like we're in junior high?"

Gabrielle: "I can't believe you're not furious at this. Before she sank her fangs into Carlos, she was dating your ex-husband and Mike."

Susan: "Yes, and do you know who I blame? I blame Karl and Mike. Why isn't anybody mad at them? I mean, let's face it. The men-- they get away with murder. They're scum!"

Lynette: "Okay. Back to Edie...I'm not sure I'm comfortable ganging up on her."

Gabrielle: "Really? Because I wasn't very comfortable taking your side when you were feuding with Patty Monroe over the backyard fence line, but I did."

Susan: "Oh, Gaby, that's not fair. Nobody really liked Patty to begin with."

Gabrielle: "Don't even get me started about what I've done for you, okay? I'm still boycotting Madame Kim's Day Spa because of your botched bikini wax."

Lynette: "Oh, my god. How do you botch a bikini wax?"

Gabrielle: "She will show you later! The point is, good friends share more than just gossip and brunch. They share enemies, too. So are you with me or not?"

Lynette: "Of course we're with you. We will give Edie the cold shoulder."

Gabrielle: "No, no! Not cold, frozen! I want icicles hanging from that bitch's ears!"

LYNETTE'S HOUSE

Lynette walks in the house. Kayla is sitting at the kitchen table, putting together a jigsaw puzzle.

Lynette: "Hello?"

Kayla: "Hi."

Lynette: "Hey, do you still want me to look at that book report?"

Kayla: "Daddy helped me yesterday. You weren't home."

Lynette: "Oh. Okay."

Kayla: "Daddy does everything lately. How come you always come home so late?"

Lynette: "Well, I'm really busy at the restaurant. Believe me, I come home to daddy just as soon as I can."

She gives a little laugh.

Kayla: "You're lying."

Lynette: "What?"

Kayla: "You always laugh like that when you're telling a lie."

Kayla imitates the laugh.

Lynette: "Why would you say that?"

Kayla: "Because...it's true."

Lynette: "I stay late because there's a lot of work to do, and right now I'm the only person who can do it, and now I have to go to the grocery store because I am the only person who can do that, mm-hmm. So why don't you go upstairs and finish your homework?"

Kayla: "Okay. But it is what you do."

PARKING LOT

Susan is sitting in her car, waiting for a parking spot. The car in the parking spot leaves and before Susan can pull in, another car zooms in, stealing her spot. Susan rolls down her window.

Susan: "Excuse me! Uh, hey! Excuse me. That's my space!"

Man: "Yeah, well, I'm parked in it, so that kind of makes it my space."

Susan gets out of her car.

Susan: "Hey, uh, I waited for that spot while the guy made three phone calls and flossed his teeth. You can't just steal it."

Man: "It's a parking space! Keep a lid on your hormones, honey."

Susan kicks him and he falls to the ground.

Man: "God! You did that on purpose!"

Susan: "Yeah, and I'm about to do this on purpose, too."

She grabs his keys and rushes over to his car. She gets inside and puts the keys in the ignition.

Man: "Crazy bitch! What do you think you're doing?! What are you doing? What are you doing?!"

Susan: "I'm taking my damn space!"

Man: "Get out of my car. Get out of my car."

She rolls the window up so that his head is trapped in the car.

Man: "Hey, hey!"

Susan: "Say you're sorry."

Man: "Let me go!"

Susan: "Say it!"

Man: "Okay, okay. I'm sorry."

Susan: "Say, "I'm a rude, arrogant bastard who needs to treat women with courtesy and respect!""

Man: "I'm a rude, arrogant... how does the rest of it go?"

Suddenly, cops show up.

Cop: "Freeze! Was this man trying to steal your car?"

Man: "It's my car! She--she tripped me and grabbed my keys."

Cop: "Is this true, ma'am?"

Susan: "Oh, all right, take his side!"

EDIE'S HOUSE

Carlos is sitting on the couch, reading the newspaper. Edie is looking out the window at Lynette taking groceries out of her car.

Carlos: "Hey, who you spying on?"

Edie: "Lynette. She hasn't returned my last two phone calls. I think something's up."

Carlos: "She's probably just busy."

Edie: "Yeah, we'll see about that. I am calling her right...now."

She dials Lynette's cell phone number and watches through the window as Lynette takes out her cell phone, looks at the number, then puts it back in her purse.

Edie: "Oh, my god!"

Carlos: "What?"

Edie: "She just screened me! I have been screened!"

Carlos: "Maybe she's in a hurry."

Edie: "No, no, no. This has Gabrielle Solis written all over it. She is turning people against me."

Carlos: "And you're surprised? I told you how she'd react if she found out about us."

Edie: "Yeah? Well, if she wants to play these schoolgirl games, fine. 'Cause I invented 'em."

OUTSIDE LYNETTE'S HOUSE

Edie walks towards Lynette.

Edie: "Lynette! Hi!"

Lynette: "Hey, hey!"

Edie: "I just tried calling you."

Lynette: "Oh, really? My ringer must've been off."

Edie: "Oh, no prob. I wanted to invite you and the boys to Travers' birthday party on Saturday. Yeah, I'm having this reptile guy, and he's got all these cool snakes and lizards."

Lynette: "Oh! The boys would love that, but unfortunately, I gotta work."

Edie: "Well, that's a shame, because I was hoping you could cater."

Lynette: "Cater?"

Edie: "Yeah, I'm gonna need pastas and salads for the parents and at least twenty pizzas for the kids."

Lynette: "Wow, that many?"

Edie: "Yeah, and...well, you know kids. If one has a pizza party, they're all gonna want a pizza party. Hmm, could be good for business."

Lynette: "Well, yeah, I guess I could work somethin' out."

Edie: "Oh, I knew I could count on you! Love ya!"

She kisses Lynette on the cheek, then turns and walks away.

THERAPIST'S OFFICE

Susan is sitting on a couch in a therapist's office.

Susan: "Look, whatever that court report says, I do not have anger issues. I was just having a bad day."

Therapist: "You threatened to decapitate a man over a parking space."

Susan: "A very bad day."

Therapist: "Susan, when someone loses it like you did, there's usually a reason. Are things going okay at work?"

Susan: "Work is great. You could just sign that paper and tell the judge I'm fine."

Therapist: "What about your family?"

Susan: "Family's terrific. Seriously, you're just wasting your time here."

Therapist: "How's your love life?"

Susan bursts into tears. The therapist pushes a button on an intercom system.

Therapist: "Cancel my lunch. I'm gonna be here for a while."

OUTSIDE MRS. MCCLUSKEY'S HOUSE

Parker rings Mrs. McCluskey's doorbell.

Mrs. McCluskey: "Will you stop ringing that damn...I'm sorry, Parker. I thought you were one of those little pissants who keep ringing the bell and running away. So what's on your mind?"

Parker: "I want you to come back and babysit us. The new sitter stinks."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Your folks hired a new sitter?"

Parker: "Yeah, and she thinks carrot sticks are snacks."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Well, that's rough, but...life's like that sometimes."

Parker: "It doesn't have to be. If you just told people what happened with your husband, everything could go back to the way it was."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Parker, you see those women over there? Nothing I could say would stop those tongues from wagging. I'm sorry, kid, but...I just have to wait this one out."

THERAPIST'S OFFICE

Susan is pacing.

Susan: "Can you imagine? I mean, finding out that two men you trusted bet you in a poker game. I mean, how demeaning is that?"

Therapist: "Well, it depends on how you look at it. Men have been waging contests over women for centuries. I grant you, poker isn't as romantic as, say, jousting, but it shows how they felt about you. The real question is how did you feel about them?"

Susan: "I told you--hurt and betrayed."

Therapist: "No, how did you feel about them before this poker business?"

Susan: "Well...I was engaged to Ian, so...obviously I loved him."

Therapist: "And Mike? Were you in love with him, too?"

Susan: "How we doing on time?"

Therapist: "Susan."

Susan: "Okay, fine, I loved him. I still love him, and I love Ian. So I am totally, hopelessly in love with two men."

Therapist: "Now we're getting somewhere. This is good."

Susan: "No, this is horrible! This wasn't supposed to happen! I only let myself fall for Ian 'cause I thought Mike was lost to me. And then bang! Suddenly he wants me back, and now I have this choice that I can't possibly make."

Therapist: "I agree. It's tough!"

Susan: "It's devastating! If I go with Mike, Ian's heart will be broken, and Ian does not deserve that. But how can I reject Mike after all he's been through?"

Therapist: "So you're just gonna walk away from both of them? You have to make a choice, sweetie. You've got two great guys, both of them crazy about you. To let one go--well, that's life.It happens. To let them both go... that's just..."

Susan: "Stupid?"

Therapist: "Yes. That would be the clinical term."

SCAVO RESTAURANT

Rick is on the phone.

Rick: "Sounds great. Thanks."

He hangs up and turns to Lynette.

Rick: "Hey, how would you like to eat something that's neither pasta nor pizza?"

Lynette: "Such food exists? Don't tease me."

Rick: "No, my--my friend, Al, he's opening a soul food place...and Sunday night, he wants to test the menu with some of his chef buddies. He said I could bring someone."

Lynette: "And--and--and you want me to go with you?"

Rick: "It'll be after we close. And don't tell me that you hate southern food, 'cause then we can't be friends."

Lynette: "No, I love it. It's...it's just that's a little late for me, and..."

Rick: "Oh, oh, oh.Okay. I-I just thought it'd be fun."

Lynette: "No, it would be, but Sunday nights are kind of crazy. I'm packing lunches and checking homework..."

Rick: "Right, right. No worries.I get it. You're just, uh, first person I thought of."

He walks off. Lynette looks at him.

Lynette: "You know, maybe I should go. Um... it's part of the job to check out the competition, right?"

Rick: "Yeah, absolutely. It never hurts to see what else is out there."

Lynette: "I agree."

WISTERIA LANE PARK

Travers is having his birthday party in the middle of Wisteria Lane and half the neighborhood is there. Lynette is setting out the food.

Lynette: "Hey, guys, go check out the snakes. I'll give you some pizza later, okay?"

Ida walks by.

Ida: "See you later."

Lynette: "All right, I'll see you later."

Some kids line up for food.

Lynette: "Hey, you want some pizza?"

Kid: "Yeah."

Lynette: "There you go."

Susan walks up.

Susan: "Lynette! What are you doing here?"

Lynette: "Edie asked me to cater. I know, I'm a total whore, but please don't rat me out to Gaby."

"Hi, Susan! I have thirty copies of your book. The kids can't wait for you to sign it. Come on, let's go! Come on, come on!"

Lynette: "Looks like we're working the same corner."

Susan: "Yeah, only I didn't know Edie was gonna have the party in a park. What if Gaby see us?"

Lynette: "Trust me, we can both relax. I talked to her this morning, and she's out with Victor all day."

Susan: "Oh. Well, that's a relief."

Four kids look over at Mrs. McCluskey's house.

Kid: "Go ahead. I dare ya."

One of them takes a small can of paint out of his pocket and runs up to Mrs. McCluskey's door where he paints WITCH on it. Parker comes up to them.

Parker: "Hey! What's going on? Hey, don't do that!"

Kid: "Why not?"

Parker: "Because she's not a witch."

Kid: "How do you know?"

Parker: "'Cause she isn't. Don't be a jerk."

Kid: "What is she, your girlfriend? Parker's in love!"

Parker: "Shut up!"

The kid shoves Parker. Mrs. McCluskey opens the front door. The four kids run off, leaving Parker behind.

Mrs. McCluskey: "Hey, you boys! Knock it off! Parker, I'm so sorry. Are you all right?"

Parker: "You know, everything would be okay if you'd tell people what you told me. You can make 'em stop."

He leaves.

OUTSIDE GABRIELLE'S HOUSE

Gabrielle drives her car up onto the driveway while talking on her cell phone.

Gabrielle: "Hey, Lynette, it's Gaby. Victor got pulled into some photo op at the homeless shelter. So I'm free for lunch.You wanna go with? I tried Susan but she's not home, which is weird because her car's in the driveway and...so is yours. Where is everybody?"

She ends the call and pulls out of her driveway. In the park, Lynette sees Gabrielle driving over. She runs over to Susan and pushes her onto the ground.

Lynette: "Down! Down! Down! Aah!"

Susan: "Lynette, what is wrong with you?"

Lynette: "Gaby's coming."

Susan: "What? I thought you said she was with Victor."

Lynette: "I was wrong. I was wrong. Come on. Follow me. Follow me."

They start crawling on all fours across the lawn. One of the twins sees them.

Twin: "Mommy, can I play?"

Lynette: "No! Go ride the python!" (to Susan) "Come on."

They see the truck that the reptile man brought and they go inside.

Lynette: "Okay, okay, she's circling the park."

Susan: "Ugh. I wish she'd hurry. I'm terrified of snakes."

Lynette: "Oh, yeah, I'm more terrified of Gaby. Okay, good, good. We're almost home free..."

Lynette turns to face Susan and freezes.

Susan: "What?"

Lynette: "Don't turn around."

Susan turns around. A huge hairy spider is free of its cage. It rears back on its legs and hisses. Susan and Lynette run screaming from the truck and catch Gabrielle's attention, who stops her car and runs over to them.

Gabrielle: "Lynette! Susan!"

Lynette: "Hey, Gab. Hi."

Gabrielle: "What are you two doing here?"

Susan: "Uh, what are we doing here?"

Lynette: "Well, Edie hired me to cater, so it's just business. I don't know what her excuse is."

Susan: "You are so dead."

Gabrielle: "I don't believe it. This is an absolute betrayal of our friendship."

Over to the side, Carlos and Edie look over as Gabrielle talks.

Lynette: "Gaby, she asked me to make twenty pizzas. I couldn't turn it down."

Edie: "Oh, this is so delicious."

Gabrielle: "Is that what our friendship is worth to you--twenty pizzas? We had a pact!"

Lynette: "Oh, come on, Gaby, be fair. You put us in a really awkward position."

Gabrielle: "Me? You two owe me an apology."

Susan: "No, Gaby, be reasonable."

Gabrielle: "I am leaving this party right now, and if you two don't come with me, our friendship is over."

Carlos starts walking over to them.

Lynette: "Gaby!"

Susan: "Oh, come on!"

Lynette: "What?"

Gabrielle: "Oh! No, I mean it."

Carlos doesn't stop when he gets to them, but just bends over, puts his shoulder in Gabrielle's stomach and lifts her up over his shoulder and keeps walking.

Gabrielle: "Carlos, stop! Put me down! What are you doing?!"

He walks her over to her car before putting her down.

Gabrielle: "Stop it! Carlos, put me down! How dare you maul me like that!"

Carlos: "You were ruining Travers' birthday party. What the hell is wrong with you?"

Gabrielle: "I'm sorry. Betrayal makes me a little cranky."

Carlos: "Come on, Gaby, you can't tell Susan and Lynette who they're allowed to be friends with. It's ridiculous."

Gabrielle: "I'll tell you what's ridiculous. You not having the guts to tell me you were dating Edie."

Carlos: "Oh, here it is."

Gabrielle: "Yeah. I had to find out from her at my damn engagement party."

Carlos: "Well, I had to hear that you were engaged to that Victor guy on the news."

Gabrielle: "I didn't plan it that way. It was spur of the moment."

Carlos: "Oh, so you just said, hey, what the heck? You even in love with this guy?"

Gabrielle: "Yes, deeply."

Carlos: "Must be nice."

Gabrielle: "Well, aren't you in love with Edie?"

Carlos: "We're having fun together, but it'll never be serious. So...if I'm just dating, and you're in love and getting married...remind me again why it is that you get to be the angry one."

Gabrielle: "I'm sorry, Carlos."

Carlos: "You should be."

He walks away.

Mary Alice: "And for the first time, Gabrielle was willing to let Carlos be with someone else..."

Carlos walks up to Edie and kisses her on the cheek.

Edie: "Hey!"

Carlos: "Hey."

Mary Alice: "Because she knew... he still belonged to her."

Later, when the party is over, Edie shows the other women the leftover cake.

Edie: "Feel free to take home as much cake as you want. I do not want to be tempted."

Lynette: "I might take a little for Tom and..."

Mrs. McCluskey comes over.

Lynette: "Hi, Mrs.McCluskey. Would you like some cake?"

Mrs. McCluskey: "I didn't come for sweets. I know you people have been talking about me, and I guess the only way to shut you up is to come clean. So...who would like to hear the gruesome details?"

Edie: "I would."

Ida: "Um...yeah. If--if you feel like it."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Well... first off--and I know this will disappoint some of you--but I didn't kill Gilbert. I came home from a weekend in Laughlin and found him in front of the TV--dead. He still had the remote in his hand."

Edie: "Good lord."

Mrs. McCluskey: "It was two A.M., so I decided to wait until morning to call the funeral home. And I went to his desk to make sure everything was in order. I found his pension plan...and guess what? In the event of his death, I was not the beneficiary."

Susan: "Who was?"

Mrs. McCluskey: "His first wife. They were married when he started the job--for two years. We were together for thirty-four years, and that idiot didn't change the paperwork. I not only lost my Gilbert, but I was about to lose everything. So I, um...I, um..."

Lynette: "You put him in the freezer and kept cashing the checks."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Well, what else was I gonna do? Besides, after a while, it was kind of nice having him around. Anyway... that's the truth. You ladies have my permission to pass it along...not that some of you ladies need it."

MIKE'S HOUSE

Mike answers his door to find Susan standing there.

Susan: "Probably weren't expecting to see me, huh?"

Mike: "Well, after twenty unanswered calls...no, not really."

Susan: "About that, uh, obviously, have been very confused. I finally saw a therapist. Actually, it was sort of a court-ordered thing.Anyway...well, I need to talk to you."

Later, the two of them are sitting on Mike's porch steps.

Mike: "You sound...sure."

Susan: "I am. I'm gonna marry Ian. Believe me, this wasn't easy, especially when you started to remember how it was between us. Maybe if the timing had been different..."

Mike: "It wasn't."

Susan: "I'm sorry, Mike."

Mike: "Well, at least I have my memories."

He goes back inside.

SCAVO RESTAURANT

The restaurant is nearly empty with just Lynette and Rick there.

Rick: "You ready to go?"

Lynette: "Yeah. Um, I told Kim that we'd be out the rest of the evening and she's gonna lock up."

Rick: "Great.I'll, uh, just get my jacket."

Lynette: "Okay."

Rick leaves and Lynette takes some perfume from her purse and puts it on. Suddenly, the door opens and Tom comes in with the kids.

Tom: "Hey! You got a table for seven?"

Lynette: "Hey! Hi! What are you doing here?"

Tom: "Well, the kids wanted to surprise you, and it's been forever since we've all had dinner together..."

Lynette: "So...what--well, how did you get here? I mean, you're not supposed to...drive."

Tom: "I took a cab, a double-dose of the painkillers, and voila! You surprised?"

Lynette: "Yeah, a little."

Twin: "We missed you."

Lynette: "Oh, I missed you, too. Hey, why don't you guys go grab that big table, and I will have Rick whip something up for us?"

Tom hugs Lynette.

Tom: "Hi. Wow, you smell good."

Lynette: "Oh. It must be the basil. It has a kind of sweet smell."

Tom gets the kids settled at the table.

Tom: "Hey, Kayla, can you get a high chair for your sister, please?"

Kayla: "Yeah."

Tom: "All right, who wants pizza?"

Kayla goes over to where the booster seats are and sees Lynette talking with Rick.

Lynette: "Oh, hi. Uh, change of plans."

Rick: "Yeah. Yeah, I see."

Lynette: "But...I'm sorry. You could still go."

Rick: "Oh, no. No, no. I'll stay. I'll cook for your family."

Lynette: "Thanks. Thank you."

She places her hand on his chest and smiles up at him.

LYNETTE'S HOUSE

Kayla pulls a blanket over Tom.

Tom: "Thanks, sweetie. You are taking such good care of me."

Kayla: "When's Lynette getting home?"

Tom: "Oh, as soon as she closes up the pizzeria."

Kayla: "Mm. Is that guy Rick helping her?"

Tom: "He better be, for as much as we're paying him."

Kayla: "I think Lynette likes him."

Tom: "Sure. He's a nice guy, hard worker."

Kayla: "No, I mean, she likes him, likes him."

Tom: "What makes you say that?"

Kayla: "Just something I noticed. Well, good night, daddy."

She kisses him on the cheek and smiles.

SUSAN'S HOUSE

Ian and Susan are kissing.

Ian: "Mrs. Susan Hainsworth--god, I love the sound of that. Or did you want to keep your name? Because I love the sound of that, too. As long as I get to call you my wife."

Susan: "Deal."

Ian: "You do realize we're gonna be blissfully happy, don't you? I mean, it could actually get a bit disgusting. People might throw fruit."

Susan: "Oh, I'm gonna lock up down here. Why don't you go upstairs and warm up the bed?"

Ian: "You do realize we're gonna be great together, don't you?"

Susan: "I know."

Ian leaves and Susan begins turning off the lights. She presses the "Play" button on the answering machine and Mike's voice begins speaking.

Mike: "Hey, Susan. Um, I don't mean to bug you. There's just so much I didn't get to say. Um, I... god, I'm lousy at good-byes. Anyway, you will always be the best thing that ever happened to me, and, well, I hope you find the happiness you deserve. Bye. Oh, this is Mike."

Ian comes back into the room silently without Susan noticing. He starts to go to her, but she pushes the "Play" button again and he stops. As the message plays again, he goes upstairs.

Mike: "Hey, Susan. Um, I don't mean to bug you. There's just so much I didn't get to say. Um, I... god, I'm lousy at good-byes. Anyway, you will always be the best thing that ever happened to me, and, well, I hope you find the happiness you deserve. Bye. Oh, this is Mike."

Upstairs, Susan goes into the bedroom to find Ian packing his bags.

Susan: "Where are you going?"

Ian: "Home...to England."

Susan: "To England? What's wrong?"

Ian: "Well, it's just, um...I don't think this is going to work."

Susan: "What? But just ten minutes ago, we were making plans, and you were saying how great we were gonna be together."

Ian: "I, uh, saw you listening to that message from Mike."

Susan: "Well, Ian, I made my choice."

Ian: "But not for the right reasons. You're just trying to honor a promise you made to me."

Susan: "That's not true. I will get over him."

Ian: "You've been trying to get over him for as long as I've known you. Haven't had much luck, have you?"

Susan: "Ian, I love you."

Ian: "I know you do. But you love him a little bit more, don't you? I can't live a life where every time I see you with a faraway look, I'll wonder if you're thinking of him. I'm so sorry. You deserve to be happy. And so do I. Good-bye, Susan."

He leaves.

OUTSIDE MRS. MCCLUSKEY'S HOUSE

Mrs. McCluskey is getting her mail when Lynette walks up to her.

Lynette: "Hey, Mrs. McCluskey."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Lynette."

Lynette: "Well, it turns out our new babysitter isn't working out too well. Feel up to another tour of duty?"

Mrs. McCluskey: "Are you sure you want the Wisteria Witch looking after your kids?"

Lynette: "My kids know you're not a witch."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Too bad. I could use the leverage."

Lynette: "We missed you."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Same here. I'm gonna need a raise, though. I'm kinda strapped."

Lynette: "Okay."

LYNETTE'S HOUSE

Lynette walks into the kitchen where Tom is eating breakfast.

Lynette: "I just talked to Mrs.McCluskey, and she is gonna start looking after our kids again."

Tom: "That's great!"

Lynette: "Yeah."

Tom: "'Cause actually,  have been thinking, and...it is time that I got back to work."

Lynette: "What?"

Tom: "Yep. I'm feeling good. I'm gettin' around better."

Lynette: "But...but the doctor said your recovery would take months, and it's only been six weeks."

Tom: "Well, it's not like I'm gonna, you know, dead-lift a bag of ice, but I can sprinkle cheese on a pizza. Mm. Besides...I hate making you run that place by yourself."

Lynette: "I don't mind."

Tom: "Really? Because before, you said it was killing you."

Lynette: "Yeah, well, you know, it is, but I just don't want you to come back before you're ready. You might reinjure yourself."

Tom: "I'll be careful. The best part is we can finally get Rick off the books."

Lynette: "Rick? Why would we want to let him go?"

Tom: "Well, I know he's been great, but, um, his salary is cutting into our profits."

Lynette: "Actually, he is bringing in more than enough business to cover his salary. I mean, with all those new dishes he's been cooking, he's got a lot of fans out there."

Tom: "Does he really?"

Lynette: "Yeah. I think firing him would be a huge mistake."

Tom: "Well, it's just a thought."

Lynette: "Well, don't think so much. Just rest and get better. That's what you need to do."

Tom: "You gonna be late tonight?"

Lynette: "Probably.We got a big party coming in at ten. So...mm-hmm. I'll just see you in the morning."

Tom: "I'll be here."

Lynette: "Okay."

SUSAN'S HOUSE

Susan opens her front door to find Ida standing there.

Susan: "Hi, Ida.What's up?"

Ida: "That idiot postman mixed up our mail again."

Susan: "Oh, poor Mr. Henley. He does seem to be getting worse. Thanks for stopping by."

Ida: "Hey, have you heard about Mike?"

Susan: "No. Uh, what about him?"

Ida: "He moved."

Susan: "Moved? What do you mean?"

Ida: "Mona Clarke was up at two in the morning with acid reflux, and she saw him pack his car and everything."

Susan: "Well, that doesn't make sense. Mike wouldn't leave without saying good-bye."

Ida: "Well, he did. According to Carlos, something bad happened, and Mike just wanted to get the heck out of dodge. It's a pity. I always liked him."

SCAVO RESTAURANT

Mary Alice: "Gossip-- it's just a harmless form of recreation. It's careless talk that deals in polite fiction..."

Two of the employees are working behind the counter.

Employee: "I'd love to be assistant manager, but apparently, you have to flirt with Mrs. Scavo to get that job."

WISTERIA LANE

Mary Alice: "It's nasty speculation that's based on not-so-polite fact..."

Two women jog down the sidewalk.

Woman: "He may be dating Edie, but everyone can see he's still in love with Gaby."

They jog past a small garden with a fence, behind which is Edie, hidden from view, reading a book.

OUTSIDE MRS. MCCLUSKEY'S HOUSE

Mary Alice: "How do we protect ourselves from the venomous sting of such idle gossip?"

Mrs. McCluskey is sweeping her sidewalk when a kid on a bicycle rides up.

Kid: "A-are you the lady who kept her husband in her freezer?"

Mary Alice: "The best way is to just tell the truth..."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Yep, that's me. Scary, aren't I?"

The kid looks scared and pedals off.

 

The End