Wisteria Lane
"The art of sabotage. It's practiced every day in the suburbs. Sometimes it takes the form of a Bundt cake offered to a friend who's on a diet. Other times, it's a cable cut just as a husband's friends arrive to watch the big game. And there's always that anonymous phone call to the city zoning department. Yes, in Suburbia, everyone you meet is a potential saboteur. Absolutely everyone."
CUT TO:
Hotel
Bree walks into a hotel and goes up to the desk, where a guy is sitting behind the counter.
Bree: "Good afternoon. I'm, uh, Bree Hodge, and you are?"
Gus: "Name's Gus, and we're all booked up."
Bree: "Actually, Gus, um, I'm here to see one of your guests. A gentleman named Faladi."
Gus: "Oh, came in about an hour ago. You want me to call him for you?"
Bree: "No, no, no, no. I'd like you to take me to his room and unlock it so I can walk in unannounced."
Gus (laughs): "Lady, I can't do that. Besides, he has a girl in there."
Bree: "Yes, I know. She's my daughter. My seventeen-year-old daughter."
Gus: "Yeah. Uh, that would be, uh, room, uh, seventeen. Now there's irony for you."
Later, the two of them walk outside to the hotel room.
Gus: "You don't have a gun in there, do you? Because I just put down new carpet."
Bree: "Gus, I don't plan anything unpleasant. I'm simply going to inform Mr. Faladi what repercussions he faces if he continues this relationship and trust him to see reason."
Gus unlocks the door. She goes inside the room. Gus waits outside. Voices are heard from inside.
Mr. Faladi: "What the hell?!"
Danielle: "Mom! What are you doing here?!"
Mr. Faladi: "You just can't walk right in here."
Danielle: "How can you do this to me?!"
Mr. Faladi: "What makes you think that you can walk in here..." "Yes, the art of sabotage. It's practiced every day in the suburbs..." Mr. Faladi: "I told you, it's over!"
Danielle: "But I love you!"
Mr. Faladi: "Okay, didn't you hear her?!"
Bree walks out of the room.
Gus: "So how'd it go?" Bree: "Quite well, I think." "But few do it as well as Bree Hodge..." Bree: "Oh, and Gus, the carpet is beautiful." "...or as politely."
CUT TO:
Opening Credits
CUT TO:
Wisteria Lane - Various Households
"Family dinner. There was the time when that phrase meant something on Wisteria Lane. Of course, this was back when meals were lovingly prepared by wives who loved to cook for children who remembered their manners. But family dinners, like the times, had changed, and there was only one house in the neighborhood where dinner remained a family occasion and attendance was not optional."
CUT TO:
Bree's House
Bree, Orson, Danielle, and Andrew are seated around the dining room table, eating dinner. Danielle isn't touching her food.
Orson: "I don't know when I've tasted such tender spring lamb."
Bree: "Thank you, dear. Danielle, you haven't touched your dinner."
Andrew: "She doesn't like spring lamb. She prefers old goat."
Danielle: "I'm glad you guys think it's so funny that my life is over."
Orson: "Your mother was right to end that relationship. The man was your teacher and married."
Danielle: "He's getting a divorce."
Orson: "Well, that hardly bolsters his suitability. Danielle, please, eat something."
Bree: "Don't worry, dear. Hunger strikes demand self-control, and as we've seen, that's hardly her strong suit."
Danielle: "When are you gonna take me seriously?"
Bree: "When you start acting like an adult."
Andrew: "Well, she sleeps with them. That's a start."
Danielle: "I hate you! I hate all of you!"
Danielle stands up and throws her plate of food into the wall.
Bree: "Remind me to buy paper plates. We'll need them till a certain someone can be trusted with china again."
Danielle: "Aah!"
Danielle storms out.
CUT TO:
Lynette's House
Lynette walks into the kitchen where Tom is making homemade pizza. He throws the dough into the air and catches it, molding it to form the crust.
Lynette: "Wow, you're pretty good at that."
Tom: "Hey, you are home early."
Lynette: "Hi. Yes, I am. What is all this?"
Tom: "We are having a celebration. Sit."
Lynette: "What are we celebrating?"
Tom: "You being the greatest wife in the world."
Lynette: "Thanks. No, seriously, though."
Tom: "I mean it. How many wives would tell their husbands to follow his dreams, and then have the patience to wait while he figures out what the hell it is?"
Lynette: "Oh, my God! You know what you wanna do! That's fantastic! What is it?"
Tom: "Wait for it, wait for it. Okay, I knew I needed to spend my days doing something I was passionate about, something creative..."
He motions towards the pizza.
Tom: "Yeah, have at it. Um, something where I interacted with the public, but I was still my own boss, and then this morning, it just like, bam, it hit me!"
Lynette: "Okay, okay, I'm dying here. What's the dream?"
Tom: "You're eating it."
Lynette: "Excuse me?"
Tom: "I'm gonna open up a pizza parlor! I bet you didn't see that one coming."
Lynette: "No, that was a real Frisbee to the head, that one."
Tom: "But, but when you think about it, doesn't it make perfect sense? I mean, marinara's in my blood. You remember Uncle Vito? He came to this country with nothing. He turned that trattoria into a gold mine."
Lynette: "Isn't he the one that asked us for a loan last Christmas?"
Tom: "He has a gambling problem, but don't blame the pizza. Trust me. I've got this thing all mapped out. It's gonna have, like, a real family feel, with, like, big portions but small prices, crayons for the kids. Oh, God, I feel good about this."
Lynette: "Hmm."
Tom: "So what do you think?"
Lynette: "I think I'm gonna open another bottle of wine."
Tom: "But we haven't finished this one."
Lynette: "Well, hey, we're celebrating, right?"
CUT TO:
Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle walks into her bedroom and finds Carlos lighting candles while soft music plays in the background.
Gabrielle: "Carlos, what are you doing in my room?"
Carlos: "Oh, hey, Gaby, you're home early."
Gabrielle: "God, Carlos! Strawberries and champagne? Did you really think you're gonna seduce me?"
Carlos: "Never entered my mind."
Gabrielle: "Oh, right, right. You know, I may be living with you until the divorce is final, but it doesn't mean I have to put up with your cheesy come-ons."
Carlos: "Gaby, can I just say one thing?"
Gabrielle: "What, you've been doing some thinking and you realize that I'm your soul mate and there's a vacancy in your heart only I can fill?"
Carlos: "Gaby, listen..."
Gabrielle: "It's over between us. Just move on already. Forget me."
She walks into the bathroom and shrieks. Carlos follows her in and they both look at the woman who's taking a bubble bath.
Carlos: "As I was trying to say, I have company over. This is Trishelle. Trishelle, this is...what was your name again? I seem to have forgotten."
CUT TO:
Hospital - Mike's Room
Mike eats his lunch as Susan talks.
Susan: "So the doctor said I should use as many things as I can to jog your memory. And not just pictures. He said I could use tastes and smells and sounds, so tonight is sounds of the seventies."
Mike slurps his soup.
Susan: "Okay, uh, well, you know, let me set the scene. Um, we were at this funky little fish joint that you'd been dying to take me to, Cappy's. Do you remember Cappy's? Okay, well, we were there, and, uh, we were just wolfing down the most delicious trout ever..."
Mike: "How long till the music part?"
Susan: "Oh, it's coming. Um, and this seventies cover band, well, they started to play, and that's how we got our song."
The music comes on and Susan starts dancing to "Car Wash."
Mike: "Our song was Car Wash?"
Susan: "Yeah! See how much fun we were? So I dragged you out onto the dance floor, and, well, you were giving me this look, sort of like the look you're giving me right now and, um, I started to do this and then you did this."
Mike: "I'm, I'm sorry, this, this isn't working."
Susan: "Oh, Mike. Come on, you're not even trying to remember! It was fun! Oh, I know. Okay, sing with me. Car wash, talkin' about the car wash. Whoo, car wash, yeah."
Mike turns off the music and Susan stops dancing.
Mike: "You know, I'm really beat."
Susan: "Okay, Mike, I, I am not doing this to upset you. I'm doing this to help."
Mike: "I get that. It's just, the music is giving me a headache."
Susan: "Okay, well, I'll go, but I am not giving up on you. You know, you are going to remember the night that we danced to Car Wash, and not just because it was fun, but because later that night, we did some things that, trust me, are worth remembering."
She leaves and Mike closes his eyes.
CUT TO:
Police Station
The coroner comes up to the detective while he's eating lunch.
Coroner: "That Jane Doe from the golf course, I think I missed something at the autopsy. Check it out."
He hands the detective a picture of the dead woman's hand.
Detective Ridley: "You always gotta come at lunch, don't you?"
Coroner: "Those blue marks on the back of her hand? First I thought they were veins. Now I think it's ink."
Detective Ridley: "You mean, like some kind of writing?"
Coroner: "Yeah. I need to run some more tests, see if I can get a clearer image. I could be wrong, but..."
Detective Ridley: "But what?"
Coroner: "I think it's a phone number."
CUT TO:
Bree's House
Bree, Orson, and Andrew are at the dining room table, eating dessert.
Bree: "The oddest thing happened at the club today. Tish Atherton..."
The sounds of breaking glass can be heard from another room.
Bree: "Andrew, would you be a dear and make sure your sister's just breaking her own things?"
Andrew gets up from the table.
Bree: "Anyway...hmm. Tish Atherton..."
Upstairs, Andrew knocks on Danielle's door. From across the hall, in the bathroom, Danielle moans.
Andrew: "Danielle?"
He walks into the bathroom and sees an open bottle of pills spilled out and Danielle has sliced her wrists open. She moans.
Andrew: "Yeah, I'll tell 'em."
Downstairs, Bree is still talking to Orson.
Bree: "I'm telling you, it was a deliberate snub. I waved to her and she looked right through me. True, I never bought her eldest daughter a gift..."
Andrew: "Uh, Mom?"
Bree: "Andrew, please don't interrupt me while I'm speaking. True, I never bought her eldest daughter a gift, but you know my policy: no husband, no baby gift. Now what is it, dear?"
Andrew: "Well, um, Danielle's upstairs trying to commit suicide."
Bree gives a sigh and looks knowingly at Orson who rolls his eyes. Andrew gives his mother a look and suddenly she and Orson spring from the table and rush upstairs.
Andrew: "There's no rush. She's not trying that hard."
CUT TO:
Hospital Waiting Room
Bree and Orson are standing up while Andrew slouches in a chair, playing a hand-held video game.
Bree: "How can you sit there playing that ridiculous game? Your sister tried to kill herself. That doesn't upset you?"
Andrew: "She tried to slit her wrists with a spoon. How upset do you want me to be?"
Doctor: "Mrs. Hodge?"
Bree: "Is my daughter all right?"
Doctor: "She's a little groggy, but she'll be fine. The wounds are fairly superficial."
Andrew: "So's the patient."
Doctor: "We'll release her tonight, but you understand that in cases like this, counseling is mandatory."
Bree: "Of course. We'll get her all the help she needs."
Doctor: "She is resisting our efforts to pump her stomach. She says she only took three sedatives."
Andrew: "She's disoriented. Pump her."
Bree: "Andrew!"
She pauses, then turns to the doctor.
Bree: "Pump her."
The doctor nods and leaves.
Bree: "They're sticking a tube down her throat. Do you still think this is funny?"
Andrew: "Mom, this was a half-assed bid for attention."
Bree: "This was a cry for help and if we don't listen, the next time she could do something even more dangerous."
Andrew: "Yeah, next time she might jump off the porch."
Orson: "Will you stop it! Suicide is the worst thing that can happen to a family! I will not have it made light of!"
Bree: "Orson's right. We need to support each other as a family. In fact, I say we all go for counseling."
She looks at Orson.
CUT TO:
Outside Lynette's House
Lynette, Gabrielle, Susan, and Karen McCluskey are sitting around an outdoor patio table, chatting. Inside the house, Nora watches them through a window.
Gabrielle: "Tom actually said he's opening up a pizza parlor?"
Karen: "Lynette, you're not serious."
Lynette: "Mm-hmm."
Karen: "Well, might as well stand in a vat of tomato sauce and tear up hundred dollar bills."
Lynette: "I know, but I said that I would support him and help him follow his dream."
Susan: "Well, he can't hold you to that, not if the dream is pizza."
Gabrielle: "She promised to stand by him, and once you make that commitment you have to see it through."
Lynette: "Yeah. How's that divorce going?"
Gabrielle: "I'm done talking."
Lynette looks over to where her kids are climbing some trees.
Lynette: "Hey, Parker, be careful up there. I just keep thinking he's gonna come to his senses and realize it's a bad idea."
Karen: "That's never gonna happen."
Lynette: "Why?"
Karen: "Because men are genetically incapable of realizing that their dreams are stupid."
Lynette: "Care to elaborate, Dr. McCluskey?"
Karen: "My husband sold insurance for thirty-six years, and one day, he woke up and decided he wanted to move to Paris and paint naked ladies. I told him, "Gilbert, you can barely paint the garage. What makes you think you can commit art?" And for the rest of his life, he despised me."
Lynette: "He despised you for saying no?"
Karen: "Well, he also thought I was sleeping with his brother, and I'm sure that was mixed in there, too."
Nora comes out from inside the house.
Nora: "Okay, so I got Kayla all unpacked."
Lynette: "Oh, great. So, uh, Tom will drop her off at your house on Friday."
Nora: "Sounds good. Lynette, can I talk to you for a second?"
Lynette: "Mm-hmm. Yeah."
They go off to the sidewalk.
Nora: "Okay, pardon me for having really big ears, but I heard about Tom and this pizza place. Do you wanna know what I think?"
Lynette: "No, not really."
Nora: "It sucks. It's a sucky idea, and your friends back there, they're just too nice to come right out and say it. Luckily, I'm not your friend, so you can trust me. Nip it in the bud."
Lynette: "And make Tom resent me for the rest of his life. I don't think so."
Nora: "Well, you better do something, 'cause if you don't, you and me will wind up working a pole to pay for braces."
CUT TO:
Outside Susan's House
Julie is standing on the sidewalk talking with a friend when Austin comes up to her holding freshly-ripped-from-the-ground flowers.
Austin: "Hey, Julie. I bought you some flowers."
Julie: "Generally, when you buy flowers, they don't still have the roots on them."
Austin: "Okay, uh, I was hoping you could help me with my English Lit paper."
Sarah: "Hi, I'm Sarah."
Austin: "Hey. So what do you say?"
Julie: "Actually, I'm sort of busy right now."
Austin: "Oh, come on. Look, Aunt Edie's gonna give me the boot if I flunk out. Wouldn't you miss me?"
Julie: "Oh, absolutely! Whose motorcycle would wake us all up at two in the morning?"
Sarah: "You drive a motorcycle?"
Austin: "Hmm. Please? Look, I could really use some help here."
Julie: "Normally, I charge twelve bucks an hour for tutoring, but seeing as it's you, fifteen."
Austin: "Great. See you Friday. Oh, and just so you know, I charge fifteen an hour to make out, so I'll probably break even."
Julie: "Ugh."
He walks off.
CUT TO:
Hospital
Susan walks up to the nurse's station, carrying a casserole dish.
Susan: "Hi. You're new. Where's Marcy?"
Nurse: "She's in Honolulu on vacation. Can I help you?"
Susan: "Oh, I'm just going to see Mike Delfino."
Nurse: "What's that smell?"
Susan: "Uh, that's my macaroni and cheese. I was hoping it would trigger Mike's memory. I made it the first time we met two years ago."
Nurse: "You should've refrigerated it."
Edie walks out of Mike's room.
Susan: "Edie?"
Nurse: "Oh, you know Ms. Britt?"
Susan: "Uh, yeah. What is she doing here?"
Nurse: "Visiting Mr. Delfino. You know, she was with him when he came out of his coma."
Susan: "What?"
Nurse: "And she's been here every day since."
Susan storms up to Edie.
Susan: "You!"
Edie: "Hello, Susan. Long time no see."
Susan: "I've been wondering why Mike's been so cold to me. Now it all makes sense."
Edie: "I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about. Whew! For God's sakes, take a bath."
Susan: "Oh, that's my mac and cheese. Don't change the subject. What have you been telling him about me?"
Edie: "Why would I say anything about you? Mike has no idea who you are. I envy him."
Nurse: "Ladies, is there a problem?"
Susan: "I want this woman banned from the hospital."
Edie: "She's been like this ever since Mike dumped her. Imagine Fatal Attraction with a much older woman."
Nurse: "Ma'am, Mr. Delfino already has a visitor. I think you should go."
Susan: "Me? But why doesn't she leave? I'm the one who's been here every day for the last six months."
Nurse: "Well, I don't know you, but I do know his girlfriend."
Susan: "Girlfriend? Okay, you know what? I want Marcy's number in Honolulu and I want it right now."
Nurse: "You need to leave."
Susan: "What?"
Nurse: "You're disturbing the other patients."
Susan: "No, what are you...oh, this is ridiculous! I mean, who am I disturbing? It's a coma ward! Don't you want them to wake up?!"
Susan is escorted off the floor by security guards.
CUT TO:
Therapist's Office
Bree, Orson, Danielle, and Andrew sit in a therapist's office during their session.
Bree: "I did not call you that."
Danielle: "Yes, you did!"
Bree: "I have never in my life used the word retard."
Danielle: "It's what you think. You think I'm this, this immature moron who can't be trusted to decide what's best for her."
Andrew: "Well, you did try to off yourself. I don't think you get to pull the 'I know what's best for me' card."
Bree: "Andrew! Not in front of the therapist."
Therapist: "Actually, I think we're making great progress. You feel Danielle refuses to see you're acting in her best interest. And you think your mother cares more about her image than your feelings."
Bree: "Danielle, how can you think I don't care about your feelings?"
Orson: "Don't you know how much your mother loves you?"
Bree: "When I saw you in that tub, it was the worst moment of my life. The thought of losing you is more than I can bear."
Therapist: "How does that make you feel?"
Danielle: "Actually, kind of powerful."
Bree: "Powerful?"
Danielle: "You really don't wanna lose me?"
Bree: "Of course not. I already went through thinking I'd lost Andrew. I can't go through that again."
Danielle: "Well, then, here's what's going to happen. I'm going to start dating Robert again, and if you try to break us up or get him fired, then I'm going to leave, and you will never see me again."
Orson: "Danielle."
Danielle: "If that can survive on its own," (she points to Andrew) "so can I. You don't believe me? Call my bluff. See what happens."
Danielle leaves. Bree turns to the therapist.
Bree: "So, what do we owe you for all this progress?"
CUT TO:
Julie's Bedroom
Julie: "Come on, Austin. Concentrate. Okay, why did Iago betray Othello?"
Austin: "Uh, because the play would suck if he didn't?"
He takes out a can of beer and drinks from it.
Julie: "What do you think you're doing?"
Austin: "Mmm. Sorry."
He gets out another can and hands it to her.
Julie: "No! No, no, no, no! No, no, we're here to work. And if my mom came home, she'd flip. Now put that away."
He chugs the rest of it, then puts the can aside.
Austin: "Ahh. You said, put it away."
Julie: "Look, if, if you think I'm gonna sit here and write your paper for you while you're getting drunk..."
Austin: "No, just help me get it started, okay? This is hard for me, all right? I didn't read a lot of Shakespeare in juvie. I kind of majored in not getting stabbed."
Julie: "Ugh, fine. I'll write your intro, but, but then you're on your own."
Austin: "Thank you very much."
Julie: "So, why'd they send you to juvie anyway?"
Austin: "They didn't. My mom did."
Julie: "Why?"
Austin: "She had this boyfriend. No job, big drunk, real catch. One night, he pops her one, so I break a chair over his head, and, uh, and she calls the cops on me."
Julie: "But you were protecting her."
Austin: "Yeah, that's what I thought. But the guy said he'd leave if she didn't press charges, and well, my mom doesn't really like to be alone."
Julie: "You know what? You're tired. Um, why don't you lay down for a couple minutes, and I'll just do a page or two?"
Austin: "You're a rock star, Mayer."
He goes over to her bed and lies down on it.
CUT TO:
Gabrielle's House
Carlos comes down the stairs and sees Gabrielle in the living room putting on makeup.
Gabrielle: "Carlos. No Trishelle tonight?"
Carlos: "Ah, no. About her. I have a confession to make."
Gabrielle: "Does her pimp want the rest of the money? You know, there is some cash in my purse."
Carlos: "Look, I know I crossed a line bringing her here, all right? But I was trying to make you jealous, like the way you made me feel when you said you slept with John Rowland again."
Gabrielle: "Well, I think it's more than that. I think you really hate me."
Carlos: "That's not true."
Gabrielle: "Oh, I think it is. You know, introducing your spouse to someone you're about to have sex with? There's only one reason to do that: pure hatred."
Carlos: "You don't know what you're talking about."
A man comes out of the kitchen holding two glasses of wine.
Gabrielle: "Oh, I think I do. Phil, come meet my basically ex-husband."
Phil comes out of the kitchen and hands her a drink.
Gabrielle: "Thank you. Carlos. Carlos, this is my new friend, Phil Lopez."
Carlos: "We've met, Gaby."
Gabrielle: "Really? Well, that's weird. When?"
Carlos: "Fairview Chamber of Commerce. The annual dinner."
Gabrielle: "Oh, my God! That's right! That's right! You were up for the Latino Businessman of the Year award that Phil won."
Phil: "Well, actually, I beat him out twice."
Gabrielle: "No! Ooh, I remember. Carlos was so annoyed. What did you say, hon? "He may have that trophy, but I've got you." Ain't life funny?"
Carlos: "Gaby, can we talk for a sec?"
Gabrielle: "Mmm, not right now. Phil and I are getting in the hot tub. Ooh, Phil, did you bring your suit?"
Phil: "You said I didn't have to."
Gabrielle: "Not in front of Arlos-cay! Go outside. I'll meet you there."
Phil leaves.
Carlos: "Phil Lopez? You brought home Phil Lopez? I had no idea you hated me that much!"
Gabrielle: "Well, now you know."
She leaves.
Carlos: "Aah!"
CUT TO:
Lynette's House
Tom: "Hey, good news. My realtor found me some sweet locations."
Lynette: "That's great. Hey, can we talk about this restaurant thing for a second?"
Tom: "Yeah. What's up?"
Lynette: "I don't know if you noticed, but when you first pitched the whole pizza concept, I was a wee bit skeptical."
Tom: "Yeah, I sensed that."
Lynette: "Of course you did, 'cause you're a smart guy, which is also why you are gonna jump on the idea I have to make the whole thing work."
Tom: "Okay, so you're not bailing on me?"
Lynette: "No. No, no, no, I am totally on board."
Tom: "Oh, good! You had me scared there for a second. Okay, so, well, what is this great idea?"
Lynette: "I'm thinking catering company."
Tom: "Huh?"
Lynette: "Start small, have an Italian theme, create some cash flow, and then later on, expand into the pizza thing."
Tom: "But that's not my dream."
Lynette: "Well, think about it. You're gonna do all these fun parties. People will start talking. "Hey, this is great food. This guy should open a restaurant." "Yeah, yeah, I'd eat there," and then wham! Five short years later, you have a built-in customer base."
Tom: "But I said it's not my dream. Pizza is my dream."
Lynette: "I know, I know. Catering's how you get there."
Tom: "So why can't I just skip the catering and go straight to the pizza?"
Lynette: "Because you'll fail! I'm sorry! God. I shouldn't have said that. But you're gambling with our life savings and you have no experience."
Tom: "You said that you'd support me."
Lynette: "I'm trying to. I am trying to. But are you aware that ninety percent of restaurants tank in their first year?
Tom: "Which means that ten percent of them make it! Why don't you ever think that I would be one of them? No! No, do me a favor. Don't answer that."
He gets up and leaves the room.
CUT TO:
Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle and Phil, both wearing robes, enter the kitchen. Carlos is in the living room.
Gabrielle: "Yoo-hoo! Carlos! I'm making a snack for Phil. Do you want something to eat? Some sour grapes, perhaps? Maybe a little crow?"
Carlos leaves the house, slamming the door behind him. Gabrielle grabs Phil's hand and pulls him upstairs to the bedroom.
Gabrielle (referring to the bed): "Okay, we need to move this over there."
Phil: "Why?"
Gabrielle: "Uh, Feng Shui. I don't know. Don't just stand there. Help me!"
The two of them push the bed to a new position. Later, Gabrielle starts jumping on the newly-moved bed and rattling the bed frame. Carlos, in the guest room, listens to the pounding on the wall.
Gabrielle: "Yes! Yes!"
Phil: "Hey, don't start without me."
Gabrielle: "Oh, no, no, let's get something straight. You and I are not gonna have sex tonight."
Phil: "What?"
Gabrielle: "I'm sorry. No offense, you're a nice guy. I'm just not into you that way. Oh, God, Phil! Yes, yes, give it to me!"
Phil: "Okay. Oh, okay."
Gabrielle: "No, no, I'm not talking to you. Back off!"
Phil: "What, but I thought, I mean, you know, the hot tub, we were..."
Gabrielle: "Yes, you saw my boobs, and you're gonna have that mental snapshot to use as you wish for the rest of your life, but that is all you're getting!"
Phil: "Wait, wait, so you're just using me? You're unbelievable."
Gabrielle: "I'm what?"
Phil: "You are unbelievable!"
Gabrielle: "Really? Oh, so are you, big boy! Yes!"
Carlos storms out of bed. Later, Phil leaves and walks past Carlos, who's sitting on the porch.
Phil: "No wonder you're divorcing her. She's a straight-up loon. Oh, crap. She's blocking my car!"
Carlos: "Always happy to help a brother out. Hold on."
Carlos opens the front door and can still hear the pounding going on upstairs.
Gabrielle: "Oh, God, yes! Oh, ride 'em, cowboy! Oh, yes, God! Take me home, Philly! You should wear a saddle! Yes! Yes!"
Carlos goes upstairs to where Gabrielle is sitting on the bed banging the headboard with one hand and turning the pages of a magazine with the other. Carlos taps her on the shoulder and she swats him away without turning around.
Gabrielle: "Stop it, Phil. I told you to beat it. No means no!"
Carlos: "I need your car keys. You're blocking the stallion's hatchback."
Later...
Carlos: "Oh, yes, yes, Phil! Fill me with Phil!"
Gabrielle: "I never said that."
Carlos: "And you moved the bed. What were you thinking?"
Gabrielle: "Shut up."
Carlos: "You know, if you were trying to hurt me, that's not the way to do it."
Gabrielle: "Well, then enlighten me. How can I hit you so hard that you will never recover?"
Carlos: "You can't."
Gabrielle: "Oh, I have to, Carlos. I need you to give up on us. We're not good for each other, and I can't keep doing this."
Carlos: "But I can. You proved something tonight. You had a rich, good-looking guy in your bed, and you couldn't pull the trigger. That means you still care, and as long as I know that, I can take anything that you can dish out."
Gabrielle: "You know what? I'm tired. Can we talk about this in the morning?"
Carlos: "Sure."
Gabrielle: "But you're bringing me breakfast in bed or no deal."
Carlos: "It's a date."
CUT TO:
Wisteria Lane - Nighttime
Julie puts her plates in the sink when she notices something outside the window. She goes outside and walks towards Sarah's car, which is parked on Wisteria Lane.
Julie: "Sarah? What are you--oh!"
Inside are Sarah and Austin, making out.
Sarah: "Oh, Julie! Thank God it's you. We totally thought you were the cops."
Austin: "Oh, hey, Julie. What are you, on buzz kill patrol tonight?"
Julie: "This is why you couldn't go to the movies with me?"
Sarah: "Sorry, I thought you weren't that into him. But, you know, if you are..."
Julie: "I'm not! I'm just, I'm mad that you blew me off."
Sarah: "Well, I would totally understand if you wanted to blow me off for a date."
Julie: "You call this a date? Getting mauled in a car?"
Austin: "Hey, you wanna talk about this later? I'm losing altitude here."
Julie: "Ugh, you are disgusting! Enjoy the rest of your date."
She walks back to her house and sees Susan sitting at the kitchen table.
Susan: "Julie, there you are. I think I found a way to get through to Mike."
Julie: "Let it go! He's not into you!"
She runs upstairs.
CUT TO:
Gabrielle's House
Carlos: "Gaby, rise and shine. I made you some waffles."
Carlos walks into Gabrielle's bedroom carrying a tray with food on it. He stops when he sees that a man is sleeping next to her in the bed.
Gabrielle: "I got a second wind last night, so I went to a bar. That's where I met Jason. We spent the whole night how did you put it? Pulling the trigger. So did I hurt you, or should I keep trying?"
CUT TO:
Hospital - Mike's Room
Edie: "You kicked ass in rehab today."
Mike: "Yeah, I raised my arm over my head. Sign me up for the Olympics."
Edie: "Oh, be patient. It takes time."
Nurse: "Ms. Britt?"
Edie: "Hmm?"
Nurse: "Phone call for you at the nurses' station."
Edie: "For me? Huh. I'll be right back."
She walks around the corner, going to the nurses' station. Off to the side is Susan, wearing a hat pulled down low over her face and a pair of sunglasses. She's holding her cell phone to her ear.
Edie: "There's a phone call for me?"
Susan sneaks over to Mike.
Mike: "Susan? What are you..."
Susan: "Shh! I thought you could use some fresh air."
As Susan wheels Mike outside, they leave behind Edie still on the phone.
Edie: "Hello? Hello? It's Edie."
Outside, Susan wheels Mike up to a waiting van.
Mike: "What the hell is this? Who's he?"
Susan: "Oh, this is Hank, and he has very kindly offered to take us on a little field trip today for sixty bucks an hour."
Mike: "Where are you taking me?"
Susan: "Uh, just a little jaunt down Memory Lane."
Mike: "Oh, God, you're not taking me to that fish and disco place, are you?"
Susan: "No, no. What we're doing today is a little more low-key. Don't worry. You're totally safe. We're not doing anything wrong."
A hospital security guard comes outside looking around.
Susan: "Punch it!"
CUT TO:
Hotel Room
Bree knocks on a hotel room door and Mr. Faladi opens it.
Bree: "Hello."
Mr. Faladi: "Look, Mrs. Hodge, uh, I've only seen your daughter once since the motel. She told me that you backed off."
Bree: "Oh, Mr. Faladi, I'm not here to threaten you. I've come to give you my blessing."
Mr. Faladi: "Your blessing?"
Bree: "Yes, Danielle made it quite clear that I'm powerless to stop this relationship and since she assures me that you love her. You do love her, don't you?"
Mr. Faladi: "Uh, yes, of course."
Bree: "Good. Then we're all set. Here are some of her clothes. I'll bring her CDs and her stuffed animals over tomorrow."
Mr. Faladi: "You want her to stay here? This place is kind of small."
Bree: "Well, that hotel room was small and you seemed happy enough there. Oh, and I trust you to be discreet. You wouldn't want your wife to find out about this and use it against you in your divorce."
Mr. Faladi: "Whoa, whoa, Mrs. Hodge? Things are getting a little bit complicated. Could you please tell Danielle that this is not gonna work out and..."
Bree: "Mr. Faladi, if you want to break my daughter's heart, I can't stop you, but I will not be an accomplice. You'll tell her yourself."
Mr. Faladi: "Right."
Bree: "And don't even think about blaming me, 'cause if you so much as mention that we spoke, I'll phone the police."
Mr. Faladi: "Fine. I will leave you out of it."
Bree starts to leave and then turns around.
Bree: "Oh, and one more thing..."
Mr. Faladi: "Yes?"
Bree: "Danielle is applying to colleges. I do hope she can count on you for a glowing recommendation."
Mr. Faladi: "Sure."
Bree smiles and leaves.
CUT TO:
Wisteria Lane
Susan is pushing Mike in his wheelchair down the street they live on.
Susan: "And when I locked myself out of the house, that's where the bush was that you found me in. Naked. Surely you remember that."
Mike: "Nope."
Susan: "Ouch, that hurts. Um, okay, remember this spot? This is where we sat in your truck and had our first kiss."
Mike: "Were you naked then, too?"
Susan: "Mike, why are you being this way?"
Mike: "Because this is pointless. I'm, I'm sorry. I can't. I don't remember being with you."
Susan: "Okay, I know it's hard, but you gotta make an effort, and, you know, if your head is a little foggy, then don't look there. Look in your heart, because I'm in there, just like you're inside mine. Okay, um, this is Mary Alice's house and this is where we first met. I was setting out my macaroni and cheese, and you were invited--Oh! Ow!"
Susan trips over the curb. Mike smiles.
Susan: "I'm good. Finally, a smile."
Mike: "You do that a lot, don't you?"
Susan: "Well, yeah, I've been known to take a spill or two, but, you know, my doctor says it's an inner ear--wait, you remember that?"
Mike: "Yeah, I think I do."
Susan: "Yes! That's progress! See? Oh, it's all gonna come back. We're gonna be us again!"
Mike: "But what about the British guy?"
Susan: "Mike, I don't know what Edie's been telling you, but Ian and I, we're just friends."
Mike: "Just friends?"
Susan: "Yeah. Now. Look, you gotta understand. The doctors were telling me that you would probably never wake up, and I just needed somebody to talk to."
Mike: "And that's what you were doing in the country, talking?"
A hospital van pulls up and a nurse and Edie get out.
Nurse: "Mr. Delfino? Are you okay?"
Mike: "I'm fine."
Nurse: "You can't just discharge a patient without permission!"
Susan: "Oh, but you--I was just trying to help him remember. Tell her, Mike. We were, we were making progress."
Mike: "Take me back to the hospital."
Susan: "Oh, Mike!"
Mike is wheeled back into the van and Edie comes over to Susan.
Edie: "Well, at the risk of stating the obvious, it's over. He's mine now."
Susan: "No, no, no, no! No, no, this, this is not how this ends. No, evil does not triumph over good."
Edie: "That's how you see me?"
Susan: "Damn straight! You lie, you cheat, you scheme! You ruin peoples' relationships! I mean, how do you sleep at night?"
Edie: "Soon with Mike on top of me, if you know what I mean."
Susan: "See? Evil! Evil! "
Edie: "Has it ever occurred to you that maybe Mike and I are meant to end up together?"
Susan: "No! You, Mike? You don't even want him! You're just doing this to hurt me."
Edie: "Wow. How self-absorbed can you be? I have had a thing for Mike since the day he moved in here, and I even backed off when he fell for your little Miss Adorable act. But he's over that. It's my turn now, and I will be better for him than you ever were. And if you do get hurt, well, that's just gravy. All right, maybe that was a little evil."
CUT TO:
Police Station
The coroner comes up to the detective.
Detective Ridley: "Finally."
Coroner: "Sorry it took so long. That last digit was barely legible. I thought you'd like to do the honors."
He hands him a piece of paper with a number on it. The detective dials the number and a machine picks up.
Mike's Voice: "You've reached Mike Delfino Plumbing. Please leave a message after the beep."
CUT TO:
Susan's Porch - Nighttime
Julie is sitting on the porch, typing on her laptop. Austin comes up and tosses a paper with a big 'D-' written on it.
Julie: "Whoa, a D-minus. That blows."
Austin: "Yeah, it does, especially since it's not the one we did together. You e-mailed me the wrong paper."
Julie: "You didn't even read it before you turned it in?"
Austin: "I didn't think I had to! The one you wrote that night was great."
Julie: "Well, after you left, I decided I really should put it in your words."
Austin: "Is this some weird chick thing you did 'cause you're into me?"
Julie: "Oh, please."
Austin: "No, no. No, it is. You're, uh, pissed 'cause I hooked up with your friend."
Julie: "No, I'm pissed because you told me some sob story so I'd write your paper for you. Now, you owe me fifteen bucks."
Austin: "You know what? Here. Oh, and, uh, I did learn something. Iago betrayed Othello because he was jealous."
CUT TO:
Bree's House
Bree and Orson are in the kitchen preparing dinner when Danielle walks in.
Bree: "Oh, Danielle, I thought you'd be with Mr. Faladi tonight."
Danielle: "Oh, you'll be happy to know he dumped me."
Bree: "He dumped you?"
Danielle: "Said it was getting too messy, that I was gonna complicate his divorce. Don't pretend you're sorry."
Bree: "I don't plan to.
Orson: "Well, I hope this doesn't make history class too awkward."
Danielle: "Oh, you don't have to worry about that. I went to the principal and got his ass fired, and then when he called to yell at me for squealing on him, I recorded the call and sent a tape of it to his wife. Thanks to me, he'll be getting nothing in this divorce."
She leaves.
Orson: "Well, I must say that was rather underhanded."
Bree: "Yes. I wonder where she gets it."
CUT TO:
Lynette's House
Tom is saying goodbye to Kayla at Nora's apartment.
Kayla: "Bye, Daddy."
Tom: "Bye, my chipmunk. I'll see you guys next Friday, okay?"
Kayla runs off. Tom starts to leave.
Nora: "Kayla said that you're opening a pizza place."
Tom: "Well, maybe. I mean, it's not a done deal yet."
Nora: "Ah, Lynette put the kibosh on it, huh?"
Tom: "What makes you say that?"
Nora: "Well, you know. Lynette."
Tom: "She's probably right. I mean, there's a bunch of dumb schmucks out there trying to open a restaurant, so..."
Nora: "You know, Tom, I've tasted your pizza, and I have to be perfectly honest with you. It was like I died and went to Italy."
Tom: "Really?"
Nora: "Oh, my God. You are born to do this, and I just hate to see you give it up, because, well, man, this is none of my business, but Lynette does bully you sometimes."
Tom: "She doesn't mean to."
Nora: "Then don't let her! You go to the mat on this one. She will respect you a lot more if you grow a pair. I'm not trying to insult you. All I'm saying is that I know what you're capable of and I believe in you."
Tom: "I really needed to hear that. Thanks." "Sabotage. Everyone is capable of it, but some go about it more ruthlessly than others."
CUT TO:
Bree's House
"Like the ones who crave vengeance..."
Danielle lies in bed, smiling.
CUT TO:
Hospital - Mike's Room
"...or the ones who hunger for love..."
Edie kisses Mike on the forehead.
CUT TO:
Gabrielle's House
"...or the ones who are determined to burn bridges."
Gabrielle lies in bed, awake, with Jason asleep beside her.
CUT TO:
Nora's Apartment
Nora tucks Kayla into bed.
"And then there are those who simply want something." Kayla: "I wish daddy lived here so he could tuck me in, too." "Something that belongs to someone else." Nora: "I'm working on it, piglet."
She kisses Kayla's hand.
Nora: "Momma's working on it."
The End
