Bree's Living Room
Bree is smiling as she looks at her three friends.
"Brides are sensitive creatures. And no one knows this better than the bridesmaids who have to deal with them."
CUT TO:
Flashback - Susan's Dining Room
Susan is under the dining room table working on the train of Bree's wedding dress.
Susan: "Well, I think a ten foot train is great, but a shorter one would be just as nice and you wouldn't have to worry about people tripping on it."
CUT TO:
Flashback - Lynette's Kitchen
Lynette is sitting at her table talking to Bree. Lynette is holding a cup of coffee and a list of duties in her hands.
Lynette: "Personally, I love smoked rabbit, but for a sure crowd-pleaser you can't beat chicken."
CUT TO:
Flashback - Gabrielle's Kitchen
Gabrielle is talking to Bree. Gabrielle has a walkman and earphones in her hands.
Gabrielle: "Uh sure, who doesn't love a string quartet. But if you got a band, maybe people could dance as opposed to sway."
CUT TO:
Present Day - Bree's Living Room
Bree is smiling at the girls.
"But the one area where bridesmaids' tact is most required involves the dress..." Bree: "So what do you think?" "...she's required to wear."
Susan, Lynette and Gabrielle are standing in front of Bree wearing matching lime green bridesmaid dresses.
Susan: "Well, ah, I'm not sure that I've ever seen this shade of green before."
Bree: "Yeah, don't you think it will be gorgeous with my coloring?"
Gabrielle: "Yes, it would look perfect."
Lynette (under her breath): "For someone with your coloring."
Gabrielle elbows Lynette.
Bree: "I mean I was lucky to find these. It's not easy putting a wedding together in two weeks.
Susan: "Then why the rush?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah, Bree, I always thought of you as a person who wants time to plan."
Bree: "Well, Orson and I talked about it and we just feel at our age, it's silly to wait. And with your help, I'm sure we can get it all done."
Lynette: "Well, we are happy to pitch in."
Bree: "Oh, that reminds me." (pointing to Lynette) "I have to get a copy of the seating chart for you. Gaby, you are in charge of the centerpieces." (pointing to Susan) "And don't worry Susan, I will think of a job for you."
Bree goes upstairs.
Susan: "Here's a job. How about talking you out of marrying a homicidal dentist?"
Gabrielle: "Susan! We don't know that! All we have is some crazy woman's accusation."
Susan: "His wife vanished and he didn't even tell Bree. How much more proof do you need?"
Lynette: "He says he innocent. She believes him. If we say we don't, she'll just end up hating us."
Susan: "Well, I'm sorry I cannot sit here on my key lime ass and watch Bree make the worst mistake of her life!"
Bree clears her throat. The ladies turn and see her coming down the stairs holding the seating chart.
Bree: "And what mistake would that be?"
Susan: "Well. Um. Honestly..." "Yes, a bridesmaid can question many of the bride's choices..." Susan: "These dresses are hideous." "...but the groom isn't one of them."
CUT TO:
Opening Credits
CUT TO:
Gabrielle's House
Two men carefully carry a wedding cake with Bride and Groom figurines on top of it into Gabrielle's house.
"The perfect couple. We've all met them, haven't we? That man and woman so clearly made for each other, we feel certain they are on the road to happiness. But that road has many detours."
Focus in on a picture of Carlos and Gabrielle at their wedding.
"And even perfect couples can find themselves at a dead end."
CUT TO:
Alvin Portsmith Divorce Mediation Office
Carlos: "You want what?"
Gabrielle: "You heard me. And I want the bedroom stereo. want the marble console and that painting of Saint Augustine."
Carlos: "You don't even know who he is!"
Gabrielle: "I know he matches the drapes!"
Mr. Portsmith: "People, can we focus here."
Gabrielle: "And I want my pearl necklace back. Don't think I didn't notice that you swiped it."
Carlos: "That was my mamas, and hers before her. I think it belongs in my family."
Gabrielle: "There was a time you thought I belonged in your family. And you got over that!"
Carlos grabs for some french fries on a plate in front of Gabrielle. She slaps his hand.
Gabrielle: "Stop eating my fries!"
Carlos: "I'm hungry."
Gabrielle: "You know what the doctor said." (to Mr. Portsmith) "You should see his cholesterol. This man bleeds bacon grease."
Mr. Portsmith: "Enough! You two are gonna have to find a way to deal with each other because you are about to bring a child into this world. And divorced or not, once that child arrives, you will be bound together for as long as you live."
Gabrielle: "Well, in that case, have some more fries."
CUT TO:
Lynette's Porch
Nora and Lynette come out the door.
Nora: "I'll pick Kayla up on Sunday."
Lynette: "Whenever, just go. You and Turk have a great time."
Nora: "Oh trust me, we will."
An old beat-up van is parked in front of Lynette's house. Standing by the door is a man in a tank t-shirt with tattoos and long hair, nodding to Nora.
Nora: "The man is a jack hammer."
Lynette: "Ah."
Tom walks up carrying groceries.
Nora: "Bye, Tom."
Tom: "Hi."
Nora: "See you Sunday."
Nora runs to Turk.
Tom: "Where is she going?"
Lynette: "She and Turk are going down to the river for the weekend."
Tom: "That's Turk? That's the new boyfriend? Uh-uh, no!"
Lynette: "Hey, hey, hey! Please!"
Tom: "I don't want my daughter hanging around with a guy like that!"
Lynette: "You haven't even met him. He could be the sweetest man in the world."
Tom and Lynette look over to Turk and Nora. Nora jumps into Turks arms and Turk grabs Nora's butt.
Lynette: "More importantly, ever since he entered the picture, Squeaky Fromm is never around. It has been bliss! I haven't made this face" (she grits her teeth) "in a week. If you ruin this, so help me, I will hurt you!"
Tom: "Just look at him. Look at him. Please, I swear that is a child's skull hanging from his mirror! Doesn't that concern you?"
Lynette: "No, I'm good. Could be a monkey."
CUT TO:
Restaurant
Susan, with Ian, is looking at a menu.
Susan: "I think I will have the Mescaline Salad."
Ian: "That's it? That's all you're having?"
Susan (whispering): "Well, all of the food is very expensive."
Ian (whispering): "You don't need to whisper. The waiter knows they're robbing us blind. You can have whatever you want."
Susan: "In that case I'll have the lobster bisque and the veal with the black truffles. Is that okay?"
Ian: "Yeah, that's fine. I'll just have Jane moved to the VA Hospital."
Susan: "Oh my god!"
Ian: "I'm kidding. It's fine. I'll have what she's having."
Waiter: "Of course. Thank you."
Ian: "God, I love seeing you laugh."
Susan: "Oh, well, it's been a long time since I've been in a mood to, thank you."
Susan reaches over and squeezes Ian's hand.
Ian: "Oh, dear God."
Susan: "Did I squeeze too hard?"
Ian: "No, it's my wife's parents."
Susan: "Oh, oh, wow. Oh, is this going to be awkward?"
Ian: "No, no, no. No, not unless, of course, the see us."
Jeff: "Ian!"
Ian: "Awkward. Jeff, Renee, what, what a delightful surprise."
Renee: "It's so good to see you, dear."
They both look at Susan and there's a long pause.
Renee: "Hello, I'm Renee, and this is my husband, Jeff."
Susan: "Susan Mayer."
Ian: "Doctor! Doctor Susan Mayer. She's new to Jane's neurology team."
Renee: "Oh, I just assumed you worked in Ian's publishing house."
Susan: "Well, yes, and how nice that would have been, huh? Um, but, no, no, I'm a brain specialist."
Jeff: "Oh, Dr. Mayer, maybe I can ask you. Our daughter's most recent EEG showed brain spikes? But it didn't change the score on her Glascow scan. Why is that?"
Susan: "What an excellent question."
Later, Susan has drawn a side of a head and brain on a napkin.
Susan: "And this is the, uh, spinal cord. And it, of course, attaches to the brain."
Jeff: "You don't have to dumb it down for us, doctor. We've been dealing with Jane's condition for years."
Susan: "Oh, good. Um, I'm, um, well, then let's get technical."
Ian: "Let's give Dr. Mayer the night off. She was in surgery for ten hours today performing a craniotomy."
Renee: "That's exactly the procedure Jane had. How'd it go?"
Susan: "Uh, well, I, it just, wow. I hear my phone vibrating." (into her phone) "Hello, Dr. Mayer. Yeah, what? You say that his brain shut off? Oh, I'll be right there, um, stat!" (hangs up) "I'm sorry, duty calls."
Susan leaves.
CUT TO:
Bree's Living Room
Bree: "Orson, I moved the furniture back!"
Orson: "Good lord, Bree, not again."
Bree turns on some piano music and grabs Orson's hands.
Bree: "Don't you want our first dance to be perfect?"
Orson: "Mm."
Bree: "There'll be two hundred people staring at us."
They begin to dance.
Orson: "You know, Bree, since that incident at our engagement party, there's been a lot of dark talk about me."
Bree: "Well, I don't pay attention to gossip."
Orson: "I'm just saying I would understand if you had second thoughts about marrying a man who is under a cloud."
Bree: "Well, no one who knows you could seriously believe that you could hurt a woman. Strangers may talk, but I know the truth."
Orson: "Really."
Bree: "Men have lied to me before. Believe me, it'ill never happen again."
Orson: "So, you trust me completely?"
He dips her and she tilts her head back, then looks up at him.
Bree: "Clearly, I do."
CUT TO:
Fairview Morgue
The coroner is beginning an autopsy of the body of a woman.
Coroner: "The body is unusually well-preserved because it was buried in clay."
Detective: "Do we have a cause of death?"
Coroner: "Blunt force trauma to the head."
Detective (to second Detective): "I want you to pull all the missing persons reports. Cross check against her height, age, and weight."
Coroner: "I'm also running a DNA panel, since we won't be able to use her dental records."
Detective: "Why not?"
Coroner: "Whoever killed her pulled out all her teeth."
CUT TO:
Lynette's House - Nighttime
Lynette, carrying laundry upstairs, hears someone sobbing. She finds Nora on the porch crying.
Lynette: "Nora, what are you doing back? Are you okay?"
Nora: "Shut the door! I don't want Kayla to find me like this."
Lynette: "What's wrong?"
Nora: "Turk and I had a fight."
Lynette: "What? No! No, no, no. What happened?"
Nora: "What happened is Turk is an ass! On the way up to the river we stopped at this bar and we were playing pool, and I got a little bitchy with one of the waitresses. Who cares, right, I mean, who cares? It's a bar and we all do it, right?"
Lynette: "Right."
Nora: "So, he tells me to watch my mouth. Then I'm like, whoa, get a load of Mr. Two Strikes trying to tell me how to act in public. And then he called me a whore! We're done."
Lynette: "Okay, whoa, whoa, take a deep breath. You don't wanna break up with a guy because, in a weak moment, he calls you a whore."
Nora: "And then on the way out, he threatened to hit me."
Lynette: "Okay, but he didn't, he didn't, and you know until..."
Nora: "Oh jeez, Lynette, whose side are you on?"
Lynette: "I'm on the side of love. You guys seem like such a perfect couple."
Nora: "I know."
Lynette: "I just, I, I, you know, you don't wanna throw that all away 'cause of a little fight with no hitting."
Nora: "No, it's over. I just got off the phone with Turk's parole officer, and it was like, 'guess who ain't in Nevada no more?' click."
Nora begins crying again, moves over, and puts her head on Lynette's shoulder.
Nora: "I think I might have to stay here tonight."
CUT TO:
Edie's Bedroom - Late Night
Edie is fast asleep. She wakes up when she hears a noise downstairs. Edie goes outside, holding a shotgun. She sees someone opening her side window and beginning to enter her house.
Edie: "Freeze!"
The man turns around.
Edie: "Austin?"
Austin: "Hey, Aunt Edie."
CUT TO:
Edie's House
Edie takes two beers from the refrigerator.
Austin: "Anyway, Mom just got back from a cruise to Jamaica with new boobs and a twenty-four year old cabin boy."
Edie: "Oh."
Austin: "Needless to say, me and Mr. 'can I get you some more hot towels,' we didn't exactly hit it off. So, after I broke his nose, I figured it was time to come visit my favorite aunt."
Edie: "Your Mom always did have lousy taste in men."
Austin: "So, I figured I'd crash here for the night. Then hitch down to Mexico. Hang out, party."
Edie: "Yeah, I'm thinking, like, no way in hell. You're gonna stay here with me until things blow over with your mom, okay?"
Austin: "Cool, thanks."
Edie hands Austin a beer.
Edie: "Oh, wait. You're eighteen, right?"
Austin: "Well, that's what my ID says."
Edie: "Yeah, mine too."
She hands him a beer.
CUT TO:
Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle is doing yoga. A very pregnant Xiao-Mei comes downstairs.
Gabrielle: "Hey. You are supposed to be on bed rest!"
Xiao-Mei: "I'm bored!"
Gabrielle: "Well, why don't you try putting on a pair of pants? That should kill a couple of hours."
The doorbell rings. Gabrielle answers.
Carlos: "Hey, babe. Hey, what's she doing out of bed? That can't be good for her."
Gabrielle: "Or the stairs. What do you want?"
Carlos: "The mediator was right. A month from now we're not just gonna be Carlos and Gaby, we're going to be Mom and Dad. And I don't want to be at war with the mother of my child. So here."
Gabrielle: "Your mama's pearls? Carlos! Thank you."
Carlos: "And?"
Gabrielle: "And what?"
Carlos: "Wouldn't you like to make some reciprocal gesture?"
Gabrielle: "Fine. You can come to Bree's wedding reception, as my guest."
Carlos: "Thanks. Where is it?"
Gabrielle: "Here."
Carlos: "Here. You're throwing the reception?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah. That's our wedding present to Bree."
Carlos: "So I give you a priceless family heirloom, and in return, you invite me to party at my house that I'm paying for?"
Gabrielle: "Well, what kind of gesture did you have in mind?"
Carlos bends slightly and points to his cheek. Gabrielle kisses him on the cheek.
Gabrielle: "Things I'll do for jewelry."
Gabrielle wipes her mouth.
CUT TO:
Fairview Memorial Hospital - Mike's Room
Susan is sitting next to Mike as Ian walks in.
Ian: "Susan, I am so sorry."
Susan: "Dr. Mayer?"
Ian: "Panic, pure panic. Here." (he hands Susan flowers) "These are for ruining our first date."
Susan (she covers Mike's ears): "Shh. Not in front of Mike! Oh, look, Mike. Ian brought you flowers. I'll just go put them in some water."
Susan pulls Ian out of the room.
Ian: "Look, I was just trying to protect Jane's parents."
Susan: "Oh please."
Ian: "They still haven't accepted the fact that Jane isn't going to wake up. If they knew that we were on a date, that I was trying to, to move on, well, it would devastate them."
Susan: "That's a really lovely excuse, but it isn't the whole story, is it?"
Ian: "Excuse me?"
Susan: "A part of you feels like you'r cheating on her."
Ian: "No! Well, perhaps a small part, but that doesn't mean that..."
Susan: "It's all right. 'Cause I feel guilty too. That's why we should just stop this right now because it's all way too complicated and I think we'd both be happier if we just went back to being friends."
Ian: "Well, I don't think I can do that. The truth is I haven't thought of you as just a friend for some time now. Maybe I shouldn't have let myself feel that way but, but I have. And I can't go back, I'm sorry."
Susan: "Well, if we can't be friends than I guess we'll be nothing."
Susan walks back into Mike's room.
CUT TO:
Susan's House
Julie is typing at her computer. Loud music is blasting outside, obviously interrupting her train of thought.
CUT TO:
Wisteria Lane - Daytime
Outside Edie's house. Julie approaches a motorcycle and stereo on the sidewalk. She turns the stereo down. Edie's shirtless nephew comes around the corner.
Austin: "Hey. Leave that alone."
Julie: "Sorry, I was just turning it down."
Austin: "What, you're not a music fan?"
Julie: "Sure, it's just, um, got anything where a pimp isn't beating his ho."
Austin: "I'm Austin, Edie Britt's nephew."
Julie: "Oh. I'm Julie, Susan Mayer's daughter."
Austin: "Ohhh."
Julie: "Anyway, I'm trying to do my homework so..."
Austin: "On a Saturday? Well, make sure and take regular breaks and stop for a sensible dinner."
Julie: "Just keep it down. You had it really loud."
Austin: "That's how I like it. How do you like it?"
Julie: "You know what? You're not that hot!"
Julie turns and walks away and Austin smiles.
CUT TO:
Lynette's House
Tom comes downstairs.
Tom: "Hey, whatcha doing?"
Lynette: "Oh, I'm working on a seating chart for Bree's wedding."
Tom: "Nora? Who invited her?"
Lynette: "I did. We need to find her another boyfriend and weddings are crawling with single men."
Tom: "I hope you're not seating her next to any of my friends."
Lynette: "Hey, sacrifices must be made, Tom!"
Tom grabs the chart.
Tom: "No, Jerry Rawlings, not Jerry Rawlings! She gets her psycho hooks into Jerry Rawlings, he will never speak to me again."
Lynette: "Oh, there are other urologists in the world. Go back to that other guy."
Tom: "The one with the cold hands?"
Lynette: "Oh, it's once a year. Suck it up."
Tom: "Get a grip, Lynette."
Lynette: "Get a grip? I am hanging on for dear life, here. You are the one that brought this little problem into our family and the only thing I should be hearing from you is 'how can I help?' I am also putting Steve Hansen at her table so you might want to start shopping around for a new golf buddy."
Tom nods briefly and walks away.
Lynette: "Get a grip."
CUT TO:
Susan's House
Susan, in rollers, comes outside to get her mail. She sees Orson across the street at Bree's car where someone has attached cans and a "just married" sign. Orson is angrily ripping the cords connecting the cans to the car, cutting them off. He looks up and sees Susan staring at him. He smiles and waves with the knife in his hand. Susan, obviously worried, waves back and goes inside.
CUT TO:
Bank
Susan waits in line, than walks to the window where Carolyn Bixby is working.
Susan: "Hi, my name's Susan Mayer. Your neighbor told me I could find you here."
Carolyn: "Yeah."
Susan: "Well, I was at my friend Bree's engagement party the other night. You know when you came in and you did that whole 'Orson killed his wife' thing. I was just wondering if you could elaborate."
Carolyn: "He killed her. What else do you need to know?"
Susan: "Well, what makes you so sure? Do you have any proof?"
Carolyn looks over and sees the bank manager approaching.
Carolyn: "Look, I can't talk now. I get off at six."
Susan: "My friend is marrying that man in two hours. Please?" (talking loudly) "Okay, I need, um, ten dollars in unrolled pennies and I need to see you count it. 'Cause last time you stiffed me."
The bank manager walks away. Carolyn pulls out rolls of pennies.
Carolyn: "After Alma disappeared, the police came and searched the house."
Susan: "The police? What did they find?"
Carolyn: "Nothing."
Susan: "And that's bad why?"
Carolyn: "Don't you get it? When the police showed up, Orson had scrubbed every inch of the place clean with bleach. No fingerprints. No skin cells. No DNA. It was like Alma had never existed. Who cleans a house like that unless he has something to hide?"
CUT TO:
Church
The chapel is filled with guests. The organist is playing.
CUT TO:
Bride's Changing Room
Susan, Lynette, and Gabrielle are getting ready.
Susan: "So when I left the bank I called the detective that worked the case and he said that the only reason Orson was never charged was because they never found a body."
Lynette: "So, he was an actual suspect?"
Susan: "He was the only suspect."
Gabrielle: "Oh my god, what are we going to do?"
Susan: "Well, you know what we have to do."
Bree, in her wedding gown, walks in.
Bree: "That was close. The florist put three mums in my bridal bouquet. But not to worry, crisis averted."
Susan: "Bree, we have to talk."
Lynette goes to the door and locks it.
CUT TO:
Church Side Room
The reverend enters.
Orson: "Ah, Reverend. Any word from the bridal party?"
Reverend: "They're still in the Bride's Room. You know women. They are probably in there fussing about mascara and blush."
CUT TO:
Bride's Changing Room
Bree: "He did not hack her up and dissolve the pieces in acid."
Gabrielle: "I said it was a theory."
Lynette: "The point is Alma disappeared under very suspicious circumstances."
Bree: "I don't have time for this. I'm getting married now."
Susan: "This is your day. You can push the ceremony back an hour. Now get that detective on the phone and talk things out with Orson."
Bree: "I can't talk to Orson. It's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding!"
Lynette: "You know what's really bad luck? Marrying a wife killer."
Bree: "If the three of you don't drop this right now, I will never forgive you."
Susan: "Bree, we are just doing this because we love you. But, if you can honestly tell us that you don't have the slightest doubt..."
Bree: "None whatsoever."
Gabrielle picks up her bouquet, Lynette follows, and Susan follows them out to the chapel.
CUT TO:
Wedding Chapel
Orson is standing at the altar. The Wedding March theme plays on the organ as Bree walks down the aisle and the guests stand up. The reverend signals everyone to sit as Bree joins Orson at the altar.
Reverend: "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together in this site of God to join this man and woman in Holy-"
Bree: "Excuse me, could you give us just a second?"
Reverend: "Is something wrong?"
Bree: "I just need a moment."
Bree pulls Orson off to the side.
Bree: "Before we do this, there's something I need to ask you."
Orson: "What?"
Bree: "Did you kill your wife? Susan talked to that Carolyn woman. Why didn't you tell me that the police searched your house?"
Orson: "'Cause it's embarrassing. And they didn't find anything."
Bree: "Is that because you scrubbed the house so thoroughly?"
Orson: "When I'm upset, I clean. For God's sake, Bree, I swear to you, I did not kill my wife."
Bree: "Okay."
They walk back up to the altar. Susan, Lynette, and Gabrielle glance at each other.
Bree (to the Reverend): "Proceed."
Reverend: "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together in this site of God to join this man and woman in Holy Matrimony, which is an honorable estate..."
CUT TO:
Bree and Orson's Wedding Party
An elaborate tent is set up in Gabrielle's yard. Bree and Orson kiss at the head table. Everyone applauds. Lynette looks over at the table where Nora is surrounded by men. Nora gets up and walks over to Lynette.
Lynette: "Hey, look at you. Miss Popular. So, you having a good time over there?"
Nora: "As if! And I don't know what idiot stuck me at that table, but every guy over there is just a boring stiff!"
Lynette: "All of them? What about Jerry? Jerry's fun."
Nora: "You mean Mr. Fatty Hairplugs? Oh, yeah, he's a blast."
Nora holds her fingers like a gun and shoots her head while making a noise like a gun shooting.
Lynette: "Um. How about Steve? You know what? I hear his family has money."
Nora: "Well, then maybe they could all chip in and buy him some deodorant. I'm through with those losers. I'm gonna stay right here with you. Are you gonna eat that?"
Carlos walks in and runs into Gabrielle.
Gabrielle: "Hey, look at you."
Carlos: "God, I hate wearing a tux. On my way in, Bree's Aunt Fern asked me to park her car."
Gabrielle: "She's got glaucoma. To her, you're nothing but a Hispanic blur. Let me fix your tie."
Carlos: "Hey, you're wearing mama's pearls."
Gabrielle: "Yeah."
Edie and Austin walk in.
Edie: "Oh. Hey, Julie. Have you met my nephew, Austin?"
Julie: "Yeah, we met. I just didn't recognize him with his shirt on."
Julie walks away.
Austin: "She couldn't take her eyes off my ass. I felt violated."
Austin walks away in the opposite direction. Susan walks up to Edie.
Susan: "Hi, Edie. Nice party, huh?"
Edie: "It was."
Susan walks over to Gabrielle, who is finishing up fixing Carlos' tie.
Gabrielle: "Perfect."
Susan: "Well, it's nice to see you two getting along again."
Carlos: "We've sort of turned a corner."
Susan: "Really? Does that mean you're gonna be getting back together?"
Gabrielle (at the same time as Carlos): "God, no!"
Carlos (at the same time as Gabrielle): "Maybe."
Susan: "Wow, is that shrimp?"
Susan walks away.
Gabrielle: "What would make you think I would have even consider taking you back?"
Carlos: "Well, you invited me to be your date."
Gabrielle: "Guest, Carlos. I said guest."
Carlos: "Come on, you've been flirting with me since I came in. 'Here, baby, let me fix your tie.' Well, for a woman who is not interested, you sure are sending some mixed signals."
Gabrielle: "You want a clear signal? How's this?"
Gabrielle pulls Carlos' tie apart and walks away.
Susan is at the buffet table.
Susan: "Ian!"
Ian: "Susan?"
Susan: "What are you doing here?"
Ian: "Well, my cousin is Dr. Hodge's dental hygienist and her husband, he couldn't join us since he's come down with a spot of impetigo, so she called me. Knowing how much I love a Garden Toss and so..."
Susan: "Ian?"
Ian: "Yes, I'm such a terrible liar. Impetigo? Where did that come from?"
Susan: "Hmm? So what are you really doing here?"
Ian: "Look, I can't stop thinking about us. About how great we could be together and I think you're making a mistake."
Susan: "Ian."
Ian: "Susan, please don't go. Can't we at least talk about this?"
Susan: "I can't 'cause I have bridesmaid stuff."
Susan walks away. Gabrielle walks over to a young waiter.
Gabrielle: "Hi there. I just wanted to say you're doing a great job, Tad. That's such a masculine name."
Tad: "My boyfriend seems to like it."
Gabrielle: "Okay, here's the drill. My ex is here and I want to piss him off so just act like you're all hot for me and there's a hundred buck tip in it for you."
Tad: "Right, uh, so should I cup your boob?"
Gabrielle: "No, I'll drive."
Gabrielle laughs loudly and keeps putting her hand on Tad's chest. Carlos sees her and walks over to the bar.
Carlos: "Tequila, straight. Hey, are there any decent single women as this wedding?"
Bartender: "Not that I've seen."
Carlos: "Ah, damn it, not a one."
Lynette overhears Carlos and walks up to him.
Lynette: "Hey, Carlos. You should come over to our table. That's where all the hotties are."
Tom is on the stage with a microphone.
Tom: "Hey everyone, I say it is time that we get Bree and Orson up here for their first dance as a married couple. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Mr. and Mrs. Orson Hodge."
Everyone applauds and Orson and Bree get up to dance.
Bree: "Orson, you look so serious."
Orson: "Trying to remember my steps."
Bree: "You're upset, aren't you? You're still thinking about what I said at the church."
Orson: "Which part, darling? The 'I do' part or the 'did you kill your wife' part?"
Bree: "I'm sorry, but I had to ask."
Orson: "That's my point. You had to ask."
Later, Tom and Lynette look on as Carlos and Nora dance. Carlos has picked Nora up and is spinning her around.
Nora: "Whoo Hoo!"
Tom (to Lynette): "You are going to rot in hell for this."
Lynette: "Hey, I just brought two lost souls together. Okay, how about this? He cheated on my friend. He deserves every bit of crazy she's gonna rain down on him."
Tom: "Hell, rot, you."
Later, Carlos and Nora are still dancing as well as kissing.
Lynette: "What are they doing?"
Tom: "Rounding second and heading for third."
Lynette: "Uh oh."
Gabrielle storms up to Carlos and Nora.
Gabrielle: "Carlos!"
Carlos: "Oh, hey, Gaby. Look, I made a new friend."
Gabrielle: "Yes, I've been watching you make your new friend and it's disgusting!"
She pulls them apart.
Nora: "Do you mind? We're trying to dance here."
Gabrielle: "Who the hell are you anyway? And why the hell are you at this wedding?"
The music stops. Tom and Lynette watch as Carlos, Gabrielle, and Nora argue.
Tom (to Lynette): "This is not going to end well."
Lynette: "They are just two random people who met at a wedding. Can't pin it on me."
Nora (pointing at Lynette): "It was her!"
Gabrielle: "Lynette Scavo, I want to talk to you!"
Lynette starts walking away.
Lynette (to Tom): "I'll see you at home."
Gabrielle turns toward Carlos.
Gabrielle: "What were you thinking? I didn't invite you here to embarrass me in front of my friends."
Carlos: "Oh, no, you just wanted me to watch while you sucked the zits off some teenage waiter."
Gabrielle: "That's it! I take my invitation back! You are no longer welcome in my house!"
Carlos: "Fine! I'll go. Just give me back the pearls."
Gabrielle: "No!"
Carlos: "Gaby!"
Gabrielle: "Carlos! No!"
Carlos: "They were my mama's!"
Gabrielle: "No!"
The necklace breaks and the pearls spill all over the dance floor. Gabrielle hits Carlos on his chest.
Gabrielle: "Now look what you've done!"
They both stoop down to pick them up.
Xiao-Mei, in her nightgown, comes in. Carlos and Gabrielle are on the dance floor fighting for the pearls.
Xiao-Mei: "Mrs. Solis!"
Gabrielle: "No, Carlos!"
Carlos: "Give me that!"
Gabrielle: "Give me those! Get away, those are mine."
Carlos: "No! The hell they are."
Xiao-Mei is at the edge of the dance floor.
Xiao-Mei: "Mrs. Solis!"
Gabrielle: "Not now, Xiao-Mei!"
Xiao-Mei: "Mrs. Solis!"
Gabrielle: "Oh for God's sake, what?"
Xiao-Mei's water breaks onto the dance floor.
Xiao-Mei: "I think maybe it's time."
Later, Tom is holding the microphone by Aunt Fern who is making a toast.
Aunt Fern: "And I wish you both a lifetime of happiness."
Tom: "Wow, that was beautiful, Aunt Fern. Thank you. Hey, they mopped up all the amniotic fluid so we should feel safe to start the Conga line!"
Ian (standing up): "Actually, I'd like to say a few words. Bree, Orson, your love is an inspiration to us all."
Bree (whispering to Orson): "That's very sweet."
Orson: "Mm."
Bree: "How do you know him?"
Orson: "I thought he was on your side."
Bree: "Mm-mm."
Ian: "Well I know this is the second marriage for both of you and I think you are jolly brave. So often people find excuses not to fall in love again. They're afraid." (he looks at Susan) "But it's rare to find somebody that you connect with. So when you do, you have to follow your heart. Bree, Orson, I salute you."
Tom: "All right. Let's get the music cranking and the..."
Susan (standing up): "Actually Tom could you just hang on a second. Uh, I also would like to say a few words. To Bree and Orson, ah yes, what could be better than a second love, and this time you enter it a little older, a little wiser, but also, and this is key, uh, with a bit of caution. Because, while love can be spontaneous and wonderful, it can also be selfish and sometimes the best thing you can do is just to walk away. Uh, not you two. You two crazy kids are great. Congrats, yeah."
Tom: "Well, then. Let's..."
Ian: "Hang on, I'd like to respond to that toast. Bree, Orson, sometimes walking away can seem the best choice. It's certainly the safest, but what do you do when you find someone that makes you feel joy when you thought you never would again? Do you just let them go? No, no, I can't do that."
Ian sits down. The guests turn to look at Susan.
Tom (to Susan): "You wanna..."
Susan: "No, I'm good."
Tom: "All right then. Let's dance!"
The music begins to play and everyone gets up. Ian smiles at Susan, who smiles back.
CUT TO:
Fairview Memorial Hospital Waiting Room
Gabrielle is reading a magazine when Lynette walks in with a carry-on bag.
Lynette: "Well, I thought you might need a change of clothes. Yeah, you're still mad at me, huh?"
Gabrielle: "What were you thinking setting Carlos up with that skank!"
Lynette: "I'm sorry, I was desperate. I had a little too much to drink and you are divorcing Carlos."
Gabrielle: "Lynette! Carlos will never be fair game! You know the rules!"
Lynette: "You're right. You are right. You're right. I'm so sorry. It's just..."
Gabrielle: "What?"
Lynette: "I'm so unhappy. Ever since that woman pushed her way into our lives I can't even work up a smile. And the more she pushes the more I resent Tom. Tom. For something he did twelve years ago. And I'm afraid if I can't fix this, that the anger is just going to fester until.."
Gabrielle: "Lynette, listen to me. You and Tom will survive this."
Lynette: "No, seriously, Gaby, I am so tired of pretending to smile."
Gabrielle: "You and Tom will survive this."
Lynette: "Yeah? How can you be so sure?"
Gabrielle: "Because some marriages were built to last. And some aren't. Trust me, I know the difference."
CUT TO:
Wedding Party
Orson is feeding Bree a piece of cake. Everyone applauds. They kiss.
Detective: "I'm looking for Bree Van de Kamp."
The waiter points to Bree.
Bree: "Could you excuse me for a just a minute."
Bree walks over to the detective.
Detective: "Excuse me, are you Mrs. Van de Kamp?"
Bree: "It's Hodge now."
Detective: "Yes, I'm terribly sorry to barge in like this, but we need your husband to come down to the morgue. We may have found his wife's body."
CUT TO:
Fairview Memorial Hospital Maternity Ward
Xiao-Mei is in labor. Carlos and Gabrielle are standing on either side of the bed. Xiao-Mei is breathing very hard and struggling between Carlos and Gabrielle.
Carlos: "Push, Xiao-Mei, push."
Doctor: "Okay, deep breaths now. We're getting close."
Gabrielle: "It's time! I can't believe this is happening!"
Carlos: "Honey, I want to cry."
Gabrielle: "Carlos, I am so sorry about the..."
Carlos: "I, me too, me too. I was way out of line."
Gabrielle: "I forgive you. It's worth it when you experience a moment as beautiful as this."
Xiao-Mei: "Ahhhh!"
Doctor: "Okay, I see the head now."
Gabrielle (to Carlos): "Ah, get the camera, get the camera!"
Carlos grabs a video camera.
Xiao-Mei: "Ahhhh!"
A baby cries. Gabrielle and Xiao-Mei look at the baby and freeze. The doctor holds up an African American baby. Carlos continues to film.
Carlos: "Man, I got to get the color fixed on this thing."
Gabrielle pushes the camera down. Carlos looks at the baby in shock.
CUT TO:
Fairview Memorial Hospital
Carlos and Gabrielle are talking to the Fertility Doctor.
Gabrielle: "How could this have happened? What kind of half-ass fertility clinic are you running?"
Doctor: "Prior to implantation, your embryo was accidentally switched with another client's."
Carlos: "So, if we got theirs and they got ours, then it's possible..."
Doctor: "No, I'm afraid your embryo didn't take. Again, on behalf of the clinic, I am so sorry. It's rare but these things do happen."
Gabrielle: "Excuse me, you screw up our lives and the best you can do is, 'that's the way the cookie crumbles?' And who is this guy? Why is he writing down everything I say?"
Doctor: "This is Mr. Darby, our attorney. We thought it wise to have him present."
Gabrielle: "You know what else would have been wise? Sticking the right baby in the right belly!"
Doctor: "Mrs. Solis, please."
Gabrielle storms out.
CUT TO:
Fairview Morgue
Bree and Orson follow the detective into a room where the body is lying. The coroner is standing by the covered body. He lifts the sheet. Orson shakes his head.
Orson: "That's not Alma."
Detective: "Are you sure?"
Orson: "Absolutely! Thank God."
Carolyn Bixby walks in from another entrance.
Orson: "Carolyn. What is she doing here?"
Carolyn: "You didn't honestly think they'd take your word for it, did you?"
The coroner lifts the sheet again.
Carolyn: "It's not her."
Detective: "Well, that's it, then. Sorry for wasting your time."
Carolyn: "This mean nothing. I'm telling you that man is as guilty as sin."
Bree: "We know what you think. Now would you please leave us alone?"
Carolyn: "He's a cold-blooded killer."
Bree: "He's kind and decent and nothing you could say will ever make me doubt him again. Now please go."
Carolyn stops before she walks out the door.
Carolyn: "You deserve him."
Bree: "I hope to."
The detective follows Carolyn out.
Orson: "Darling, I am so sorry you had to endure that. Are you all right?"
Bree: "I'm fine. Let's just go back to our guests and forget any of this ever happened."
Orson: "Right."
Bree walks out. Orson turns toward the covered body.
Orson: "Tu me manques, Monique."
CUT TO:
Wisteria Lane
Carlos and Gabrielle drive up to their home. The waiters are cleaning up the yard and taking everything to the trucks.
Gabrielle: "Well."
Carlos: "Yeah."
Gabrielle: "I feel so..."
Carlos: "Me too. Well, you know what the good news is?"
Gabrielle: "What's that?"
Carlos: "Now that there's no baby, it will make the divorce a lot simpler."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, that's something."
Carlos: "So, see you at the mediator's."
Gabrielle: "See you then."
Gabrielle gets out of the car and as Carlos drives away, they stare at each other.
"Have you met the perfect couple? The two soul mates whose love never dies?"
CUT TO:
Lynette's House
Tom is fast asleep on the bed. Lynette stands over him watching him sleep.
"The two lovers whose relationship is never threatened."
CUT TO:
Hotel Room
Bree and Orson enter.
"The husband and wife who trust each other completely."
CUT TO:
Wedding Party
Ian and Susan are slow dancing under the empty tent from the wedding.
"If you haven't met the perfect couple, let me introduce you."
Focus in on the bride and groom at the top of the wedding cake.
"They stand atop a layer of butter cream frosting. The secret of their success? Well, for starters, they don't have to look at each other."
The End
