Épisode Courage, fuyez ! S02E20 - Desperate Housewives Saison 2

Edie's House - Daytime

Karl is kneeling at Edie's bedside his eyes closes and his hand folded in prayer. Edie is fast asleep in bed.

"Karl Mayer didn't pray often, but when he did, it was usually to ask for God's help in breaking up with a woman. And to spare him the nasty drama that usually accompanied such callous and unexpected departures."

Karl pulls a note from his coat and lays it on the pillow next to Edie.

CUT TO:

Flashback - Woman's House

Karl, with a suitcase, is closing a bedroom door.

"Over the years Karl had dumped dozens of women."

A young lady rolls over in the bed and is shocked to find a note on the bed next to her.

"And not one of them had seen it coming."

CUT TO:

Flashback - Woman's House

Karl, with his suitcase, is closing another bedroom door on another sleeping woman.

"Every retreat was always meticulously planned right down to the personalized stationary."

The young woman rolls over smiling and is shocked to find a note on the pillow next to her.

CUT TO:

Flashback - Woman's House

Karl, with his suitcase, closes another bedroom door on a different sleeping woman.

"Hence, his record of successful getaways..."

The young woman rolls over smiling and is shocked to find a note on the pillow next to her.

"...from women who did not want to see him go."

CUT TO:

Present Day - Edie's House

Karl, skulking around Edie's bedroom, with his suitcase, puts a note on the pillow next to Edie. He quietly rolls a large suitcase to the door.

"So when he decided to break up with Edie Britt, Karl prayed to God yet again to help him avoid all the unnecessary drama. Unfortunately for Karl..."

Karl opens the door quietly when the bedside alarm goes off to wake Edie up. Karl freezes as Edie wakes up slowly.

"...God was in the mood to be entertained."

Edie wakes up with her hand on the note and sees Karl frozen at the door with his suitcases. Karl rushes out the door.

CUT TO:

Edie's Front Yard - Daytime

Karl runs out of the house with his suitcases. He throws them into his convertible and climbs in the car quickly. He turns the starter, but the car stalls. He keeps trying when Edie comes running out of the house, waving a note in the air.

Edie: "What the hell is this?"
Karl: "Edie, Baby, calm down."
Edie: "'Let's be honest with ourselves, Edie, we haven't been happy in a long time.' Who are you to tell me I haven't been happy, you miserable son of a bitch! I have been ecstatic!"
Karl: "Okay. I'm the one who hasn't been happy."
Edie: "Then why did you propose to me?"
Karl: "I don't know."
Edie: "I have told every woman in this town that we are getting married and all you have to say to me is, ‘I don't know'?"
Karl: "What else to do you want me to say? I'm sorry."
Edie: "What's going on? Is there someone else? Oh my god!"

Edie drops the note and backs away. She turns around and sees a rake propped against the house. She walks toward the rake.

Karl: "Oh, crap."

Karl quickly climbs into his car while Edie walks quickly to get the rake. Karl quickly puts his seat belt on and tries to start the car. Edie grabs the rake. Karl continues to try to start the car as Edie walks over determinedly with the rake.

Karl: "Come on, come on!"

As Edie gets closer the car starts. Karl is relieved and smiles at Edie as he drives out of the driveway, only to be hit by a garbage truck. Karl sits in his smashed steaming car.

"As he sat there, Karl couldn't help but wonder why God had forsaken him."

Edie looks on and smiles. She tosses the rake to the ground and turns to go back into the house.

"It never occurred to him that God might be a woman."

CUT TO:

Opening Credits

CUT TO:

A.A. Meeting

Peter is standing in a circle holding hands with other members praying.

Peter: "God, grant me to serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." "The members of the Fairview Chapter of A.A. ended every meeting with a prayer. And while most were asking God for help in resisting temptation, Bree Van de Kamp was busy thinking thoughts that were downright sinful."

Bree stands next to Peter, holding his hand. While the others have their eyes closed in prayer, Bree is smiling at Peter.

Peter: "And until the next ‘Amen,' keep coming back and the works, keep working. Amen."

Later, Bree is cleaning the refreshment table.

Bree: "I think you'd love the opera. The music and the voices, it's just all so passionate."
Peter: "Yeah, three hundred-pound soprano seducing balding tenors. That'd be hot!"
Bree: "Are you making fun of me? Huh?"

Bree playfully pokes Peter. Peter grabs her hands.

Peter: "Bree..."
Bree: "Yes."
Peter: "Maybe a little bit."

They are just about to kiss when a man walks into the meeting hall.

Claude: "What's going on here?"
Peter: "Claude!"
Claude: "We made plans, remember?"
Peter: "I'm sorry, I was just about to..."
Claude: "Yeah, I saw what you were just about to do."
Bree: I'm sorry Peter, but, ah, who is this?"
Peter: "This is Claude. He's my sponsor."
Bree: "Oh, your A.A. sponsor?"
Claude: "No, I'm his other sponsor."
Peter: "For my sex addiction."
Bree: "Oh."
Claude: "Damn it, Peter, what did I tell you."
Peter: "Avoid lust triggers."
Claude: "And what is she?"
Peter: "Claude, don't do this, man."
Claude: "She is a lust trigger. A lust trigger!"
Bree: "Ah, excuse me. I don't know what that means but could you please stop saying it."
Claude: "Where's your chip? Give it to me."

Peter pulls a chip from his pocket and hands it to Claude.

Claude: "Do you remember how low you'd sunk when we met? This represents twelve months of hard work. Not giving in to your urges. Now if you want to blow all that on this woman, just tell me now so I can stop wasting my time working with you!"

Claude tosses the chip over his shoulder. Peter looks at Bree, then walks over and picks up the chip.

Peter: "I don't want to blow it."
Claude: "Good! Then tell the pretty lady goodbye, and that you can't socialize with her anymore. And do it quick, I'm hungry!"

Claude leaves the room.

CUT TO:

Parcher and Murphy Advertising Agency

It is late at night. Lynette and Tom are carrying a sleeping Porter and Parker out of the day care room as Preston walks between them. Jerry comes running up.

Jerry: "Bad news. Ed wants us to push through tonight and finish the Edelstein Realty pitch."
Lynette: "But we're not presenting for another two weeks. Why don't we start tomorrow?"
Jerry: "But how would that help Ed avoid his marital problems?"
Lynette: "What?"
Tom: "Oh, he's right. I hear Ed fighting with Fran on the phone everyday through the office walls."
Lynette: "That would explain all our working hours."
Jerry: "Yeah, but you lucked out Scavo. Darlene talked him into cutting the people who have kids in day care loose."
Lynette: "Hey great! Let's go before he changes his mind."
Jerry: "But that doesn't include you, Miss Senior V.P. Ed wants you in the conference room now!"
Lynette: "You're kidding!"
Jerry: "You're his security blanket, Lynette. He stays, you stay."
Tom: "Jerry, can you help me get the kids down to the car?"
Jerry: "Yeah."

He takes a sleeping Parker from Lynette.

Lynette: "Thanks, Jer."

Lynette kisses Tom goodbye as Ed walks in.

Ed: "Lynette. Get those mount-ups together will you? Jerry, I didn't know you had a kid."

Lynette stares at Jerry. Jerry rubs Parker's back.

Jerry: "Yeah. Um, out of wedlock."
Ed: "Oh."
Jerry: "So, see you in the morning."

Jerry runs out holding Parker and Tom follows. Lynette watches, shocked into silence.

CUT TO:

Gabrielle's House

Susan walks in.

Susan: "I'm sorry I'm late."

Susan walks into the room and seeing Bree, Lynette and Gabrielle consoling a crying Edie.

Susan: "What's going on?"
Lynette: "Karl broke up with Edie."
Susan: "Oh my god!"
Bree: "Yeah, apparently he was seeing someone."
Susan: "Really? Did he say who is was?"
Edie: "I know who she is. She's a man-eating, scum-sucking ho bag!"
Bree: "No, he did not say."
Edie: "You know when Karl dumped you I thought that it was all your fault. Yeah, I figured that you were a nag or bad in bed. But now, but now I see that you were just a victim too. We have a bond, Susan. Like we're sisters. There's even a pretty one and an ugly one."
Bree: "Edie!"
Edie: "Oh I'm just saying that Karl screwed us both!"
Susan: "Yes, like you wouldn't believe."
Lynette: "Guys, I'm all for bashing exes, but let's save a little of our hate for his partner in crime, the other woman."
Gabrielle: "Mmm hmm."
Bree: "You know they're always coming up with these excuses to justify being a home wrecker."
Gabrielle: "Exactly! Like, 'he wouldn't have been with me if he was gettin' it at home.'"
Lynette: "'Oh, honey, you're the love of my life, she's just the runner up.'"
Susan: "Oh look, the baby's doing something really cute."

Everyone looks over to see Lily fast asleep.

Gabrielle: "She's sleeping."
Susan: "Like an angel."
Gabrielle: "Look, I think we all know that Karl is a dog. But let's face it, if these tramps were laying out the buffet, he wouldn't be chowing down!"
Susan: "Well, every situation is different and it's hard to judge until we know all the details."

All four women stare at Susan.

Susan: "Which obviously I don't know, because how would I know."

The women continue staring at Susan.

Susan: "She's a slutty, slutty whore, absolutely!"

All the women smile and nod.

Edie: "Yeah!"

CUT TO:

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

Carlos and Gabrielle have Lily in a carriage. Gabrielle is putting a hat on Lily.

Carlos: "Are you sure she needs that? I just put sunscreen on her."
Gabrielle: "Yes, she needs the bonnet. It completes she outfit!"
Carlos: "Oh, for God's sake, Gaby."

Gabrielle and Carlos are walking down Wisteria Lane proudly pushing the carriage.

Gabrielle: "She's never too young to start accessorizing. Besides, all the neighbors are out today and I want them to see how happy we are. Wish they were us!"

Dale comes running up in his letterman jacket and starts walking with Gabrielle and Carlos.

Dale: "Hey! Uh, baby's a beauty."
Carlos: "We think so, but we're a little bit biased."

Dale leans over into the carriage. Lily laughs.

Dale: "Oh wow! She's got my eyes."
Gabrielle: "Huh?"
Dale: "Oh, I'm Dale. Dale Helm. I'm the baby's birth father."
Gabrielle: "Ah, well, hi, Dale, nice to meet you. A lot of people have been looking for you."
Dale: "Yeah, I know. Lawyers and stuff! I got kinda held up in Florida longer than I thought."
Carlos: "Spring break, right?"
Dale: "Yeah. Oh man, we were wasted twenty-four seven! Then I got the message and I just thought my friends were messin' with me. Those buttwads!"
Gabrielle: "Well, it's a good thing he's here. We can take him to the lawyer's office and you can sign over full custody to us. Okay."
Dale: "Yeah, uh, the thing about that is, I'm gonna want the baby."

Carlos and Gabrielle turn and stare at Dale in shock. A few minutes later, Gabrielle and Carlos are walking quickly down the sidewalk, pushing the carriage, with Dale following them.

Dale: "Come on, you guys, we don't have to make this ugly."
Gabrielle: "You're trying to take our baby, how is it not going to be ugly?"
Carlos: "Keep walking, Gaby, don't engage him."
Dale: "Listen, Mr. Solis."
Gabrielle: "No! You listen! We were granted custody. If you want her, you talk to the judge!"

Frank's car pulls up next to Dale.

Frank: "What is the hold up?"
Dale: "They told me I gotta talk to a judge."
Gabrielle: "What the hell are you doing here, Frank?"
Frank: "It's his baby. Give it to him!"
Gabrielle: "Like hell!"

Julie is watering the lawn as they pass Susan's house.

Julie: "Hey, Mrs. Solis, can I see the baby?"
Carlos and Gabrielle: "No!"
Frank: "Dale! Just do it already!"
Dale: "I'm not just going to kidnap it!"
Frank: "Why not! They did! It is your baby. Just take it!"

Carlos turns and stands face to face with Dale.

Carlos: "Try it!"
Dale: "Frank?"

Dale turns to Frank. Gabrielle looks smugly at Frank, who groans.

Frank: "Get in you moron!"
Dale: "Anyways, it looks like you're doing a good job with her."
Frank: "Dumbass!"
Dale: "She seems clean."

Carlos gets closer to Dale, who runs and gets into Frank's car. Frank pulls away quickly. Carlos and Gabrielle watch the car drive away.

CUT TO:

Outside Betty's House

Matthew approaches the Applewhite house. Betty is talking to a couple on the front door.

Betty: "Like I said, we have been very happy here. I'm sure you will be too."
Man: "Oh, we just love it."
Woman: "Yeah."
Betty: "Once the stairs are repaired, I'll show you the basement."

The couple leave. Matthew walks up to Betty.

Matthew: "What's going on?"
Betty: "The house just sold. Start packing."

CUT TO:

Wisteria Lane Park - Daytime

Danielle: "Why don't you just put Caleb in an institution? It's where he belongs anyway."
Matthew: "My mom would never let strangers take care of him."
Danielle: "Then why don't you call the police. Then it's not up to her."
Matthew: "If I call the police, my mom and I go to jail with Caleb. We've been hiding a murderer. Now look, if we do move, I promise I will call you every day."
Danielle: "I don't need a phone buddy. I need a boyfriend!"
Matthew: "Would you calm down please?"
Danielle: "Don't tell me what to do! You know I could go to the police myself."
Matthew: "Danielle!"
Danielle: "I just, I love you so much, I would do anything to keep you here."
Matthew: "Yeah, I see that now."
Danielle: "You can't leave me alone here. You have to think of something."
Matthew: "Don't worry, I will."

CUT TO:

Lynette's Office - Nighttime

An instant message appears on the computer screen. It's from T-Man Scavo.

T-MAN-SCAVO: "WHEN R U COMING HOME?"

Lynette sees Ed working hard at his computer with headphones on.

LYNETTE65: "AT THIS RATE? NEVER."
T-MAN SCAVO: "HE'S KEEPING YOU LATE AND I'M HORNY!"
LYNETTE65: "WHAT DO U WANT ME 2 DO ABOUT THAT?"
T-MAN SCAVO: "DUNNO. WHAT DO U WANT 2 DO?"

Lynette drops a sugar packet and leans over to pick it up. In the meantime, an instant message from Ed pops up on Lynette's screen.

ED FERRARA: "MAKING COFFEE... YOU WANT?"

Lynette sits back up, smiles, and starts typing.

LYNETTE65: "I WANT TO LICK U FROM HEAD TO FOOT."

She hits "enter" and then notices that it's an instant message from Ed.

Lynette: "Oh my god!"

She watches Ed and the new message appears on his screen. Ed reads, looks shocked, then turns and stares at Lynette. Lynette jumps up and runs into Ed's office.

Lynette: "Ed. Hey. I'm so sorry, but obviously that was just meant for Tom's eyes only."
Ed: "Honest mistake. Don't even worry about it."
Lynette: "Okay, thanks. Well, I'm gonna go back in my office and continue to feel like a huge pervert."
Ed: "At least you and Tom have a love life."
Lynette: "Well, we do the best we can. Given the circumstances."
Ed: "Better than Fran and I. We're dead in that department. Ah, no, I don't wanna bore you with details."
Lynette: "I appreciate that. You know, Ed. I don't want to pry into your personal business, but if you are having problems in that area, you don't have to be resigned to it."
Ed: "What are you suggesting, hookers? No, Ed Ferrara doesn't pay for sex."
Lynette: "I mean, you and Fran could spice it up a bit. You know, get the old juicec flowing again."
Ed: "Oh, I see. Kinda like" (looks at his computer screen) "'I'd like to lick you from head to foot.'"
Lynette: "Okay, well that wasn't my best work, but you can't deny results. IMing works. When I go home tonight Tom and I are going to...okay, well, um, I'm going to be exhausted so I'll probably just lay there. But, trust me, Tom is gonna go to town."
Ed: "That's something to think about, lord knows. You know the sad truth in this? I have been thinking about hookers."
Lynette: "Okay. Uh, well I hope that helped. And I'm just gonna go back and finish so we can all get out of here."

CUT TO:

Claude's Bakery

Claude is putting newly baked good into the shelves. Bree walks in.

Claude: "Let me guess. You're not here for a bearclaw."
Bree: "No, I'm not."
Claude: "You're wasting your time."
Bree: "Look, you don't have to worry Peter, not while he's with me."
Claude: "Yeah? Why is that?"
Bree: "Because, when it comes to sex I have an unwavering moral compass. Truly! Men could beg and plead all day long and it wouldn't make any difference. So since I have such strong self control, there's really no reason for us to end our friendship."
Claude: "The guy's a ticking bomb! You have no idea the kind of depravity that comes with this disease. Waking up in a stranger's bed every morning, cruising the park at night looking for somebody to get off with, compusive masturbation every chance you get!"

A man sitting at a table overhears, gets up, and walks out.

Claude "For guys like Peter and me, there's no beauty in sex. It's an empty and ugly compulsion."
Bree: "Well, I am sorry, but the Peter I know has a little more sense..."

Claude sees a young man walking in.

Claude: "Hold on."

Claude walks up to the man entering.

Druggie: "Claude, I need, I need some help."
Claude: "What are you doing here? Are you using?"
Druggie: "No. But I bought a bag."
Claude: "You're an embarrassment to me. Give it!"

Claude holds out his hand. The guy pulls a bag out of his pocket and hands it to Claude.

Claude: "There's a meeting over on 10th Street. You go there! You call me after."
Druggie: "I'm sorry."
Claude: "Get the hell out of my shop."

Claude goes back to Bree. He holds up the bag.

Claude: "I'm also a sponsor at Cocaine Anonymous."
Bree: "Well, aren't you the renaissance man!"
Claude: "Are we done here, Princess?"
Bree: "Not yet. You obviously have an encyclopedic grasp of everything depraved, but clearly you don't have the slightest idea about a loving relationship."

Claude laughs and holds up the bag of cocaine.

Claude: "This is all you are to Peter. Something to satisfy his addiction!"
Bree: "Well, I think Peter is a better man than you do and I am not going to let you keep us apart."
Claude: "Try and stop me. Peter does everything I tell him to do. It's the one thing you can depend on with addicts. They're weak."

Claude walks into the back room. Bree turns to leave. Two police officers walk in.

Bree: "Excuse me. May I ask you something?"
Officer #1: "Yes, ma'am."
Bree: "If a citizen, an ordinary citizen like myself, knew of someone holding a significant amount of drugs, what would my responsibilities be, you know, under the law?"

Bree and the two officers stare at Claude in the back room.

CUT TO:

Edie's House

Susan is outside Edie's door with a stack of books.

Edie: "What's all this?"

Later, Edie and Susan sit on Edie's couch in the living room.

Susan: "And this one I ran out and got the day I found out Karl was doing it with his secretary. I think you'll find this particularly helpful. It's got a chapter called, 'Revenge: You're only Hurting Yourself.'"
Edie: "Yeah, you know, I just really not into the whole reading thing.:"
Susan: "Oh. Well, um, why don't we get you out of here. Let's go see a feel-good movie."
Edie: "Why are you being so nice to me?"
Susan: "Well, I just wanna help. So, how about that movie?"
Edie: "You know how I like to heal? I get hammered."
Susan: "Ah, well, um, then I should just go and let you get started with that."
Edie: "You really want to help me? Good! 'Cause I'm gonna need a designated driver."
Susan: "Oh, ah, okay."

CUT TO:

Bree's House

Bree is placing a plate of cookies in front of Peter, who's sitting at the kitchen table.

Peter: "How could he be arrested for cocaine possession? Claude swore he was clean."
Bree: "It's just awful, isn't it? I mean, you never know what people are doing behind your back. Would you like some milk with your cookies?"
Peter: "Thanks. It's just, he was the best sponsor I've ever had and I don't know what I'm going to do now."
Bree: "Well, I have been doing some thinking and here's a thought. Why don't I be your sponsor?"
Peter: "You gotta be kidding. You don't know squat about sex addiction."
Bree: "Well, cravings are cravings and all you really need is a friend to call when you start having inappropriate thoughts and I can be that friend."
Peter: "Well, there's more to it than that. Claude rescued me from some pretty nasty scenes over the years."
Bree: "Well, if you are in trouble, I could handle it."
Peter: "How can you be so sure?"
Bree: "Because I can be very strong for those people that I really care about."
Peter: "How can you have any feelings for me at all? I mean you've only known me for a few weeks. "
Bree: "Yes, and in that time, I've come to learn that you are good and kind and smart. And yes, you have a little problem that you need some help with, but I'm willing to be there for you. So, what's the big deal?"
Peter: "If you saw me at my worst, you might not like me so much."
Bree: "Peter, let me be your rock. Taking care of people is what I do best. Drink your milk."

CUT TO:

Sports Bar

Waitresses wearing tank tops and short shorts are serving people. A waitress brings a large plate of chicken wings to Susan and Edie's table. The waitress walks away as Edie dips her finger in the sauce and tastes.

Edie: "Ah, ah, ah, mm, mm. I asked for extra spicy."
Waitress: "I'm pretty sure you said medium."
Edie: "Are you? Well, maybe if you'd written it down, you could have spared yourself the walk of shame back to the kitchen."

Edie hands the large plate back to the waitress who walks away.

Susan: "Edie, why are you torturing that girl?"
Edie: "That is her. That is the one that Karl is in love with. We have been here a million times and you should see the way that she flirts with him. When she comes back here, I'm gonna shove this pitcher in her perky little mug and when she's..."
Susan: "Let's not make a scene. It's not worth it. For the sake of argument, let's, let's, let's say that it's someone else. You know, probably it would be a vulnerable lonely woman who Karl just took advantage of. And what if this poor confused soul begged your forgiveness? What would you say?"
Edie: "I'd say too little, too late, bitch, and then I'd kick her!"
Susan: "Oh."
Edie: "Yeah, but you don't have to worry about that cause I'm positive it's her. I mean, who else could it be? Karl's office is all guys and the only women he sees are me, Julie, that, that lesbian who does his taxes and you."

Susan sees the waitress coming back with Edie's plate.

Susan: "You know what? It is her."
Edie: "Really? Why?"
Susan: "She just spit in your wings."
Edie: "You got my back?"
Susan: "Uh, sure."

The waitress starts walking back to Edie's table carrying the large plate of food.

Waitress: "Here you go, extra spicy."

Edie sticks out her leg, tripping the waitress. The waitress falls and the food goes flying. She gets up and confronts Edie.

Waitress: "You did that on purpose."

Edie punches her and the waitress falls over. Three other waitresses look over to see what's happening. Edie jumps on top of the waitress.

Edie: "You!"

A whistle blows. Edie turns around to see the three other waitresses jumping on top of her. Susan looks on in shock.

Edie: "Hey, get off. Get off me you brats. Mayer! Oh, help!"

Susan finally jumps in to help. Everyone is lying on the floor among the wings, fighting.

CUT TO:

Betty's House

Matthew is packing. Caleb is concentrating on lining up wine glasses.

Matthew: "So, uh, when we leave who are you gonna miss the most?"
Caleb: "I don't know."
Matthew: "Yeah, you do. You say goodbye to her yet?"
Caleb: "No."
Matthew: "Look man, it's, it's okay if you like her. You know, I think Danielle really likes you too."
Caleb: "Really?"
Matthew: "Yeah. She told me she'd be really sad if you left and didn't say goodbye. You know, I think that she might even want you to give her a little kiss."
Caleb: "But, Danielle doesn't even like me in her room. She gets mad."
Matthew: "Yeah. I talked to her about that. She feels really bad. But you know what? She told me if you come in her room again, she won't get mad. And Caleb, she's gonna act like she doesn't want you to kiss her, but she does."

CUT TO:

Parson's Christian Academy Gymnasium

A pep rally is taking place. Student are cheering below a "Huskies" banner.

"Dale Helm, like all the students at Parson's Christian Academy, was taught that his future was safely in God's hands. What he didn't know was that Gabrielle Solis was about to force a fumble."

Gabrielle walks into the building where a sign hangs reading "Jesus never punts." She opens the door to the main gym and sees the pep rally going on. She looks at the students and sees Dale sitting with the other football players in the front row. She waves, and Dale shakes his head no.

Coach: "All right guys. We all know next week we're playing the Falcons. We're gonna fry up those guys for dinner!"

The crowd cheer and applauds. Gabrielle waves at Dale to come over to her.

Coach: "Cause we're the Huskies! Are you all the Huskies?"

The crowd stands and yells.

Crowd: "Huskies! Huskies! Huskies!"

Gabrielle starts walks toward Dale. Dale sees her and runs to her. He turns her around and pushes her toward the door.

Crowd: "Huskies! Huskies! Huskies!"

Dale pushes her out the door.

Dale: "What are you doing? You can't be here."
Gabrielle: "Let's talk turkey. What is it gonna take for you to give up the baby?"
Dale: "It's not gonna happen okay? I gotta get back. I'm the quarterback. It doesn't look right."

Dale starts walking toward the door. Gabrielle grabs him.

Gabrielle: "Okay, no, no. Wait! What about a car or college? Tuition's a killer these days. I could help you out."
Dale: "I don't need help. You hear those cheers? Those are for me. Last game, I threw two hundred forty-six yards. With stats like that, I could get into the college of my choice."
Gabrielle: "So why do you wanna be a dad? These are your glory days. A baby would ruin your life."
Dale: "Oh, I know. But Frank said once I get the baby, he's gonna take it off my hands."
Gabrielle: "But it's not even his!"
Dale: "Libby dumped him and he thinks that if he has the baby and she sees him acting all mature, she'll take him back."
Gabrielle: "No, no, no. I am not letting that idiot use my baby as a bargaining chip!"
Dale: "Hey, it's outta my hands."
Gabrielle: "No, it doesn't have to be. Okay, just do the right thing and sign the release form."
Dale: "Look, I'm really sorry."

Dale runs by Gabrielle back into the gym.

Inside the gym, the coach blows a whistle and the crowd quiets. Dale comes running in and sits down.

Coach: "Before we adjourn today, let's take a moment to bow our heads."

Everyone bows their heads in silent prayer. They all turn to look as they hear the gym doors open. Dale is shocked to see Gabrielle walking to the podium. Gabrielle physically pushes the coach aside to get to the microphone.

Gabrielle: "Hello everyone! I'm Gaby Solis, class of ninety-four. Woo-hoo! I just wanted to give God a big shout out to this amazing season. The man upstairs has definitely been on your side. You wanna know why? Because you boys live clean. You keep your noses up. You stay out of trouble. And you don't go around getting strippers pregnant. And that's a good thing, 'cause if one of you caused a scandal like that, ha, not only would that guy get kicked off the team and lose all of his scholarships, but God would drop your school colors so fast it'd make your head spin! And then the football season would go to hell! No pun intended. So my point is, do the right thing and no one gets hurt."

Dale stares at Gaby, eyes wide.

CUT TO:

Gabrielle's House

Carlos is walking Lily around as Gabrielle comes in, placing the paper on the table.

Gabrielle: "Signed, sealed, delivered. Lily's ours."

CUT TO:

Parcher and Murphy Advertising Agency

Tom: "So what do you think, are you staying late again or can I finally have dinner at home with my wife?"
Lynette: "Oh, I don't know. I'm gonna go check with Ed."
Tom: "Okay."

CUT TO:

Ed's Office

Ed is sitting in a dark office in front of his computer concentrating.

Lynette: "Hey. Any luck with that IMing thing?"
Ed: "No, not really. I was online chatting with Fran a while ago and I asked her what she was wearing and she said a yellow blouse."
Lynette: "Okay, that's good. Then what?"
Ed: "Then, man that's it. I just kinda blocked."
Lynette: "You blocked?"
Ed: "Yeah, I didn't know what else to say."
Lynette: "You're an award winning copywriter. You get paid to write!"
Ed: "Yeah, jingles for oatmeal, not soft core porn."
Lynette: "For God's sakes, it's not brain surgery. Is she still online?"
Ed: "Yeah, I think so."

Lynette grabs Ed's keyboard.

Lynette: "Ah." (typing) "'I love the way that blouse clings to your body.'"

An instant message appears from Funnyfran

FUNNYFRAN: "ARE YOU JOKING?"
Ed: "Okay."
Lynette: "Mmm, mmm, mmm." (typing) "'Nothing funny about those beautiful breasts.'" (reading the response off of the screen) "Yeah? What did you want to do to me?"
Ed: "Uh..."

Jerry comes in

Jerry: "Ed, your conference call is ready."
Ed: "Oh god. I almost forgot about that. Okay, I gotta go take this. You keep going 'cause you're doing great!"
Lynette: "No, Ed, I'm not doing this for you."
Ed: "Just..."
Lynette: "What!"

Ed pushes Lynette into his chair and starts to leave the room. He mimics typing at Lynette, then leaves the room.

Lynette (typing as she talks): "Touch every inch of your body until you are trembling."
FUNNYFRAN: "WILL U DO THAT THING WITH UR TEETH?"
Lynette (typing as she talks): "Oh yeah, I'll bite you good."
FUNNYFRAN: "CAN I DO THAT THING I DID ON THE HONEYMOON?"
Lynette (typing as she talks): "Hell, yeah. First I want you to touch yourself."
FUNNYFRAN: "R U?"
Lynette (typing as she talks): "Oh yeah!"
FUNNYFRAN: "GET HOME NOW!!!"
Lynette (typing as she talks): "I'm on my way."

CUT TO:

Bree's Bedroom

Bree is fast asleep when the phone rings.

Bree: "Hello."
Peter (over the phone): "Bree, it's Peter and I'm in trouble."

CUT TO:

Apartment 3D

Bree knocks on the door. A man in boxer shorts with a mask on his head opens the door.

Bree: "Hi. I'm looking for, um, Peter McMillan."
Man: "Not sure I know him. Should ask my wife. She organized the party. Hey, Judy, get over here and act like a hostess. Come on in, come on, come on."

He pulls Bree inside. The room is filled with people having a party in various states of undress. A naked woman walks up to her.

Judy: "Hey, there. Things are just getting started. After you take off your clothes, feel free to jump right in."
Bree: "No, no, I'm good. I'm just here to pick up my friend Peter. He's locked himself in your bathroom and I'm here to take him home."
Man: "Oh, yeah, that guy. We wondered about him. The bathroom's over there."
Judy: "Hey, is that your natural color?"
Bree: "Yes, it is."
Judy: "Beautiful. I wish mine would do that. This is out of a bottle."
Bree: "Yes, I'm aware of that."

Bree runs toward the bathroom and knocks on the door.

Bree: "Peter? Peter, it's Bree. Are you in there?"

She walks into the bathroom and finds a fully clothed Peter sitting on the toilet seat.

Bree: "What are you doing here?"
Peter: "I'm a sex addict, what do you thing?"
Bree: "You can't possibly be turned on by what's going on out there."
Peter: "Disgusting, isn't it?"
Bree: "Yes! Why would you want to come to a place like this?"
Peter: "I didn't! I wanted you to come. I can't make you not have feelings for me but I can show you who I was, what my life was like."
Bree: "Well, that's not your life anymore."
Peter: "But it could be. If I slip again this exactly where you could find me. Or some place worse! Then what would you think of me?"
Bree: "Peter."
Peter: "Bree. It's dangerous to care about me. A lot of people have over the years and they all end up getting hurt."
Bree: "Rex said he'd always be faithful. George said he's never hurt me and as it turned out they were both liars. So as long as you're honest with me, you'd be amazed at what I can put up with. Now let's go home."

CUT TO:

Ed's Office

Ed is lying on his couch as Lynette walks in.

Lynette: "Hey, there. Did you have a late night? I hope."
Ed: "It was horrible. The whole thing blew up in my face. Why would you tell my wife to bite my nipple off?"
Lynette: "I didn't! I didn't. Why would she, ohhhh. The honeymoon thing."
Ed: "Yeah! And it hurt like hell then, too. It didn't take her long to figure out that I let a stranger seduce her online."
Lynette: "Oh. God!"
Ed: "She was so mad she locked herself in the bathroom and called a divorce lawyer."
Lynette: "You're getting divorced?"
Ed: "I spent two hours pleading with her through the bathroom door, begging her not to leave me. We finally managed to come to terms."
Lynette: "What kind of terms?"
Ed: "I promised her I would fire the person who did it."
Lynette: "You're gonna fire me?"
Ed: "No, of course not. You're too important here. I'm gonna fire Tom. I told her it was him that send the IMs."
Lynette: "What?"
Ed: "I told her that he had a problem with boundaries. I'm sorry, I didn't want to do this, but my marriage was on the line."
Lynette: "You can't make my husband your scapegoat! I won't let you!"
Ed: "I don't have a damn choice. I can't be divorced, Lynette. I can't."
Lynette: "He's under contract. If you just fire him, he'll sue you and I'll back him up! You need cause."
Ed: "Well, I guess I'll have to find cause. Shouldn't be too difficult if I look hard enough."

Lynette walks out of Ed's office to see Tom talking with some coworkers. He smiles at her and she smiles back.

CUT TO:

Susan's House

Edie is at the front door.

Edie: "Hey, how's the eye?"
Susan: "Oh, it's still a little red but I think I got all the hot sauce out."
Edie: "That's good. So, um, you know the other day when I said that thing about us being sisters? Well when I said it, I really didn't mean it."
Susan: "Yeah, I kinda figured that."
Edie: "No, I mean I really didn't mean it. But, um, now I do. Thank you. Thank you for having my back."

Edie hugs Susan.

Susan: "So, do I have to worry about you attacking any more waitresses?"
Edie: "Nah. My bar brawling days are over."

Edie looks up as a car drives by.

Edie: "Oh, you know, I'd better go, I have a meeting. I'll talk to you later."

Edie runs down the street to her house. A man is getting out of the car parked in front of her house.

Edie: "Are you Oliver?"
Oliver: "You must be Edie. Pleasure to meet you."
Edie: "Oh, likewise. I hear you're one of the best private detectives in town."
Oliver: "I do what I can."
Edie: "Well, come on in. Let's talk. Um, basically, I just want you to trail my ex. He left me for another woman and I want to nail that ho to the wall."

CUT TO:

Betty's House - Nighttime

Caleb is sleeping on the couch. Matthew comes downstairs.

Matthew: "Caleb, hey, come on buddy, wake up. Caleb. It's time."

CUT TO:

Wisteria Lane - Nighttime

Caleb is running down the street toward Bree's house. He looks up at Danielle's window, sees the light on, and runs toward the house.

CUT TO:

Danielle's Bedroom

Danielle is at the mirror, in her pajamas, combing her hair. She sees Caleb in the mirror, entering her room.

CUT TO:

Bree's Bedroom

Bree is removing her earrings getting ready for bed when she hears Danielle scream.

Danielle: "Ahhh! Get away from me!"

Bree goes to her night stand and pulls a gun out of the drawer. She runs into Danielle's room and sees Caleb standing over Danielle on the floor trying to pull away. She points the gun at Caleb, then shoots into the air. Caleb turns toward Bree.

Bree: "Get away from her! Danielle, I want you to pick up the phone and call the police."
Danielle: "No!"
Bree: "What?"
Danielle: "Matthew and his mother have been protecting Caleb. They're in as much trouble as he is."
Bree: "I don't care!"
Danielle: "Mom, please, I love him! Please!"

CUT TO:

Betty's House

Betty is sitting at her table looking shocked. Matthew walks in.

Bree: "If I hadn't been in the house, he could have raped her or worse!"
Matthew: "He's locked in his room now so..."
Bree: "Needless to say the agreement between us is off! Caleb is dangerous and I want him put away! If he is not gone by tomorrow, I am calling the police!"
Matthew: "He will be, I promise you. Can I go check on Danielle?"
Bree: "Yes. Betty, I am serious. Either you do something or I will!"
Betty: "Bree, stop worrying. I understand what needs to happen now."

CUT TO:

Danielle's Bedroom

Danielle is curled up on the window seat. Matthew enters.

Matthew: "Danielle?"
Danielle: "Did it work?"
Matthew: "Perfectly! You did great."

CUT TO:

Betty's House - Daytime

Betty is unpacking groceries. Matthew walks in.

Matthew: "So I got some rates on some mental hospitals around here and, um, there's one called Silvercrest, which actually seems okay."
Betty: "Put this ham in the refrigerator, will you? I think I'll make it for dinner."
Matthew: "Uh, mom, I know you don't want to talk about his, but we have to. I mean Mrs. Van de Kamp is gonna call the police."
Betty: "I promised myself I would never institutionalize your brother."
Matthew: "Mom!"
Betty: "How long do you think it will be before he'd act out? Maybe even hurt somebody. A couple days? A week? Then they'd throw him in a straight jacket and drug away what's left of his mind. Spend the rest of his life at the mercy of strangers."
Matthew: "But if we don't send him to a hospital, he's gonna end up in prison and don't you think that's worse?"
Betty: "Yes, of course I do."
Matthew: "So, what the hell are we gonna do?"

Betty hands Matthew a bottle of medicine.

Matthew: "Phenobarbital?"
Betty: "It's easy. It's painless. Just a few extra drops. He simply falls asleep. Caleb was meant for a better world than this, Matthew. It's time to give your brother the peace he deserves."

Matthew looks at the bottle, then his mother.

CUT TO:

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle is gently tossing Lily when the door bell rings.

Gabrielle: "Who's the pretty girl? Oh, looks like it's Daddy's turn. Yes."

Gabrielle hands the baby to Carlos and opens the door. Outside are two officers and a court officer in a suit.

Court Officer: "Mrs. Solis?"
Gabrielle: "Yes?"
Court Officer: "We have a court order to take the Collins' baby into custody."
Carlos: "No, no, no, that's a mistake. No we. we have the paperwork. The birth father signed away his rights."
Court Officer: "It's the birth mother who's protesting."
Gabrielle: "What?"
Court Officer: "Until the adoption is legally finalized, the birth mother can still change her mind and she has."

They look out to the police car. Libby and Frank get out of the car. Gabrielle runs out to the police car.

Gabrielle: "No, no, no, no, no, no!"
Carlos: "Gaby, wait!"
Gabrielle: "You? You don't even want to be a mother."
Libby: "Well, look, Frank quit using and, uh, he got a good job down at the plant. He's really stepped up."
Gabrielle: "So?"
Libby: "Well, so we're gonna the whole family thing a shot. Well, I'll totally give you all your money back."
Gabrielle: "I don't want my money back! I want my baby!"

Carlos hands Lily to a female officer. Libby sees this and starts getting in the car.

Libby: "C'mon, let's go."
Gabrielle: "Carlos! No! Carlos, what's happening?"

The female officer carries the baby toward the car. Gabrielle tries to stop her.

Gabrielle: "No no, no, no, Ma'am, you don't understand, you don't understand! This is our baby!"

As Gabrielle tries to grab the baby the 2nd officer pulls her away.

Gabrielle: "No! We've been, we've been feeding her and we've been bathing her. And we wake up in the middle of the night and we rock her!"

The female officer hands Libby the baby.

Gabrielle: "Which is crazy, cause if you knew me I don't do that! I don't do that. And my husband, my husband, he sings to her. He sings! So, you can't take her away! It's too late, we've already fallen in love with her!"

Libby gets in the police car. The 2nd officer lets go of Gabrielle.

Gabrielle: "Carlos, do something!"

The police car starts up and begins to drive away. Gabrielle starts walking toward it. Carlos grabs her as the car drives away.

Gabrielle: "No! You can't go! You can't, you can't take her! You can't take her! No! She's our baby! She's ours! No! Please! Please!" "There is a prayer intended to give strength to people faced with circumstances they don't want to accept."

CUT TO:

A.A. Meeting

Everyone is sitting in a circle.

"The power of the prayer comes from it's insight into human nature." Bree: "We ask God to grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change."

CUT TO:

Outside Edie's House

The yard is covered with Karl's clothes. Edie comes out the door and throws more clothes.

"Because so many of us rage against the hand that life has dealt us."

CUT TO:

A.A. Meeting

Bree: "The courage to change the things we can."

CUT TO:

Parcher and Murphy Advertising Agency

Ed is walking out of his office. He looks over at Lynette and he gets into the elevator.

"Because so many of us are cowardly. And afraid to stand up for what is right."

CUT TO: