Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously onDesperate Housewives…
[INT – School – Day]
(Lynette and the boys’ teacher aretalking after they’d painted a girl blue)
Teacher: Theboys are in my class because I’m the only teacher that can handle them.
(shots of Lynette dragging one of thetwins who is holding on to a table for dear life)
Teacher: Wemay no longer be able to accommodate them
Mary Alice Voiceover: Ultimatums were made…
[INT – Young House – Living Room – Night]
(Zach is sat on the floor of the livingroom and he’s spinning the barrel of a gun round. His dad watches him)
Zach: Momused this to kill herself. Why would you keep it?
Mary Alice Voiceover: ….Questions were asked….
[EXT – Young House – Night]
(Zach answers the door. He’s got the gunbehind his back)
Bree: Areyou okay?
[INT – Scavo House – Kitchen – Day]
(The girls are sitting around drinkingcoffee)
Gabrielle: Ithink he’s hiding something
[INT – Delfino House – Night]
(Shots of Mike on the phone and has a gunof his own)
Mary Alice Voiceover: ….And lots of evidence was uncovered
(Shots of diagrams of Wisteria Lane onMike’s wall, listing the houses, who lives where and the ages of the children.There are also photos of Gabrielle, Carlos, Julie and Susan)
[INT – Solis House – Bedroom – Day]
(shot of Carlos discovering John’s sockunder the bed)
[INT – Young House – Night]
(shot of the letter ‘I know what you did.It makes me sick. I’m going to tell’. The shot expands and we see the PIreading the note)
PI: Exactlywhat is it you hired me to do?
Paul:Someone sent that note to my wife and I need to know who.
[INT – Supermarket – Day]
(Susan is at the checkout when Mike talksto her)
Mike: Youlike Alfred Hitchcock?
(Susan looks up at Mike)
[INT – Mayer House – Kitchen – Night]
(Mrs Huber has dropped by to give Susan apie and blackmail her. She takes out of her bag the charred measuring cup)
Mrs Huber: Ifound it in the ruins of Edie’s home
(Susan doesn’t know what to say)
[INT – Solis House – Stairs - Day]
(Carlos confronts Gabrielle with thediscovered sock)
Carlos: Ifound it under our bed. Its not mine.
(Gabrielle shows Carlos the cleaningcupboard with the socks)
Mary Alice Voiceover: Talk about dirty laundry
END OF RECAP
[EXT – Wisteria Lane – Day]
(Shots of Julie riding her bike past anold woman)
Mary Alice Voiceover: Every neighbourhood has a woman like Alberta Fome.
(Mrs Fome goes out to collect her mail)
Mary Alice Voiceover: And every woman like Mrs Fome has a cat.
(we see the cat through the window)
[INT – Mrs Fome’s House – Bedroom – Day]
(Shots of the cat walking over an opensuitcase. Its packed with clothes)
Mary Alice Voiceover: When she travelled, Mrs Fome would arrange for friends to lookafter her beloved pet
(shots of Mrs Fome stoking the cat at thetable. She is on the phone trying to arrange for a friend to look after thecat)
Mrs Fome: (on the phone) Thanks anyway
(She hangs up the phone and crossesanother name off her list of people to ask. The last name on the list is SusanMayer)
Mary Alice Voiceover: This time, she was forced to ask her neighbour Susan Mayer.
[EXT – Mayer House – Day]
(The doorbell rings and Susan answers itto Mrs Fome)
Mary Alice Voiceover: Mrs Fome liked Susan. But it was common knowledge on Wisteria Lane that wherever Susan Mayer went, bad luck was sure to follow
(Underneath this Mrs Fome is asking Susanto look after her cat. She’s nervous asking at first. And when Susan agrees shelooks positively worried for her cat’s well being)
[EXT – Wisteria Lane – Outside Mayer House– Day]
(Shot of Susan backing the car out of thedriveway. She hits her dustbin)
Mary Alice Voiceover: Her misfortunes ranged from the common place….
(Susan looks out of the window at the binon its side)
[EXT – Wedding Reception– Day]
Mary Alice Voiceover: ….To the unusual….
(Susan is dressed in a gorgeous pinkdress, she’s flirting with a guy in a tux and goes to lean against a table. Asshe does, the table upends and she ends up on the floor with the contents ofthe table (including the wedding cake) all over her)
[EXT – Mayer House – Garden - Day]
Mary Alice Voiceover: ….To the truly bizarre.
(Susan is on a stool filling her birdfeeder. A bird flutters around her head and she waves her arms to shoo it away.It doesn’t go and she ends up jumping off the stool trying to get away from thebird that is attacking her)
[EXT –Wisteria Lane – Outside Mrs Fome’sHouse – Day]
(Mrs Fome is in a taxi, about to driveaway, she seems nervous. She’s looking back at Susan, who is holding her cat,waving its paw as its owner drives away)
Mary Alice Voiceover: As she waved goodbye, she worried that Susan’s streak of bad luckwould continue. For that matter, so did her cat
(Susan walks away with the cat, and thescene changes to a shot of Mrs Fome’s house in the dark)
[INT – Mrs Fome’s House – Night]
(Susan and Julie enter Mrs Fome’s houseto feed the cat)
Susan:(calls for the cat) Mr Whiskars
Julie: Herekitty
Susan:Dinner time. Here kitty, kitty, kitty!
(Susan and Julie stop looking for thecat, when they enter the kitchen and see a lot of the drawers are open)
Susan: Catscan’t open drawers can they?
Julie: Areyou sure you didn’t leave them open this morning?
Susan: Noway
Julie: Wow.Do you think somebody broke in?
(Susan’s about to answer, when they see alarge screwdriver on the kitchen table. Susan look worried)
Susan: MRWHISKERS!!!
(Susan and Julie both start franticallycalling for the cat and search through different rooms to find him)
(The shot focuses on a door to acupboard. We see the door open and we pan down to see the shoes of an intruder.The male intruder creeps to the door, and we see the cat follow and sneak out,with the intruder closing the door behind him)
Mary Alice Voiceover: Though she didn’t know it at the time…Susan’s luck…
(we see the intruder open the door again,and put the cat back inside the house)
Mary Alice Voiceover: ..had finally started to change.
OPENING CREDITS
[EXT – Wisteria Lane – Night]
(Shots of people all streaming towardsthe Scavo house)
Mary Alice Voiceover: News that an intruder had breached the security of Wisteria Lane spread like wildfire.
[INT – Scavo House – Kitchen – Night]
(Shots of people milling around, helpingthemselves to coffee and cakes)
Mary Alice Voiceover: At a neighbourhood watch meting the next night, residents voicedtheir concerns over the increasing dangers their community faced.
(we watch Mike make himself coffee, andthen go to find a seat with all the others)
(shot of an old woman talking to thegathered crowd)
Mary Alice Voiceover: Mrs Eida Greenberg announced that someone was looking through herbathroom window whenever she took a shower
(shot of a geeky looking man talking tothe gathered crowd)
Mary Alice Voiceover: Bob Fisk warned those present that an unnamed government agency waslistening in to their phone conversations
(shot of a large, motherly looking womantalking to the gathered crowd)
Mary Alice Voiceover: Helen veil spokeof a ruthless local teenage gang that had egged her mini van
(the shot pans down to see a teenage boysquashed in between his parents on a sofa. He squirms, afraid of being caughtout about the egging)
(Shot of a policeman giving apresentation to the assembled people, who are all watching attentively)
Policeman: Thereare three things that contribute to (we can’t hear what he says during the VO)
Mary Alice Voiceover: The evening concluded with Officer Thompson offering safety tips anda plan of action
Policeman:…so you can sign up for a situation you have control over
(He hands a clipboard to Lynette)
Policeman:You can sign up for either daily or nightly patrols. I know that might seem abit like overkill, but I assure you
(Susan watches Lynette hand out theclipboard. She looks over her shoulder and smiles and waves at Mike. His halfhearted response makes her turn back, disappointed)
Mary Alice Voiceover: ….that regular surveillance will deter even the most determinedcriminal. So are there any other questions? Alright then, lets be careful outthere.
(everyone claps)
(Susan gets up and talks to the policeman)
Susan: ActuallyI do have a question. Do you have a second?
Policeman:Sure, how can I help?
Susan: Well,I’m the one who discovered the break in and I think I found some evidence
Policeman:Evidence?
(Susan pulls a screwdriver in a largeclear plastic bag out of her purse and hands it to the policeman)
Susan: Ithink this was left behind by the burglar. And I didn’t touch it
Policeman: Whydidn’t you give this to the investigating officers?
Susan: Itried! But they sort of laughed at me, because apparently nothing was takenfrom Mrs Fome’s house.
Policeman:Well I apologise for that. It was totally unprofessional
Susan: Thankyou! So do you think it should be dusted for prints?
Policeman:Yes. And I’ll make sure it gets done
(we see Mike watching the two of them.He doesn’t look amused)
Susan:Great.
(the cop smiles at Susan. Susan giveshim a little smile, then leaves)
Susan: Bye
[INT – Scavo House – Living Room – Night]
(Its later on and the meeting is over.Bree is helping to pack up the folding chairs, Susan is collecting the papercups. The others are helping to clear up, whilst the twins are jumping on thesofa, having a pillow fight)
Lynette:Boys! Stop it! Go to bed
(the boys don’t stop)
Preston: But we’re not tired
Lynette: Wellat least go upstairs.
(She realises what she’s holding, andholds out the half full bag of crisps to the boys. The boys see what she’sholding and stop)
Preston: Gimme! Gimme!
(Both boys reach for the crisps andLynette backs away from them, towards the stairs. She throws the bag upstairsand the boys chase after them)
Lynette: GO!GO, GO!
Preston: C’mon
Porter: I’mright behind you
(Bree looks on disapprovingly at whatshe’s just witnessed. When Lynette turns around and catches her look, she putsher hands up as if she’s not going to say anything. Lynette looks pretty happywith the way she handled her kids though!!)
[INT – Scavo House - Kitchen – Night]
(Gabrielle and Susan are continuing toclean)
Gabrielle:So why weren’t you sitting with Mike tonight? I thought you two were becomingan item
Susan: Ithought we were too. But he’s been giving a lot of mixed signals…
Gabrielle:I’ll tell you who wasn’t giving mixed signals, was that sexy Officer Thompson.He was staring at you all night
Susan: Younoticed that?
Gabrielle:Honey, trust me. When they’re not staring at me, I notice
(Susan laughs)
[INT – Scavo House – Living Room – Night]
Lynette: Ireally do appreciate you guys staying and helping
Bree: Oh,please! I would have hosted it myself, only the kids are going away to themountains tomorrow and there’s camping equipment everywhere
Lynette:That’s nice of you. And since we’re talking about it, there’s something elsenice I’d like you to do. Your kids both went to Barcliff Academy didn’t they?
Bree: (veryproudly) Yes
Lynette: We need you to recommend Porterand Preston. We can’t even get an interview
Bree: Oh,you want me to recommend the twins?
Lynette:Yes, you can tell them how beautifully behaved the boys are
Bree: So youwant me to lie?
Lynette:Yeah. I thought that was understood.
Bree: Itsjust that I’m very well respected at Barcliff, and my word won’t be good thereanymore
Lynette:Yes, but by the time they realise their mistake we’ll be in
(Bree doesn’t look too pleased about whatshe’s been asked to do)
Lynette:You’re not having any more kids. What do you care?
Bree: Well,I had hoped someday to get my grandchildren into Barcliff. But I suppose thatdoesn’t matter to you does it?
Lynette: Itreally doesn’t
(Gabrielle and Susan are taking out bagsof rubbish in the background. When they open the door, they hear shouting fromacross the street at the Young house. Bree and Lynette join them at the door)
Gabrielle:Paul and Zach are fighting again
Lynette:That’s the second time this week. They never used to fight like that when MaryAlice was alive.
Susan: It’sa shame. They used to be such a happy family
Bree: Justbecause you didn’t hear them fighting doesn’t mean they were happy
(They all look at Bree – wondering ifthere’s anything else to what she’s saying)
[EXT – Wisteria Lane – Day]
(opening shots of wisteria lane, withpeople milling about in red hats and over a sign saying neighbourhood watcharea)
Mary Alice Voiceover: The next day as residents began to patrol Wisteria Lane in the hopeof foiling potential burglars, Gabrielle was about to experience a homeinvasion of her own.
(we see a taxi driving down WisteriaLane. It pulls into the Solis driveway. Gabrielle comes outside. She wasn’texpecting anyone and is confused about who it could be. A look of horrorcrosses her face when she sees its….)
Gabrielle:Mama Solis!
(her mother in law)
Gabrielle:What are you doing here?
Mama Solis:I came to visit my son and daughter in law. What does it look like?
Gabrielle:Does Carlos know you are coming?
Mama Solis: No.He likes to be surprised.
(Mama Solis drops her bags at her sideand holds her arms out to Gabrielle)
Mama Solis: Now come, Gabrielle.
(Gabrielle awkwardly goes to hug hermother in law)
Mama Solis: Familyshould always hug. (she bends in to whisper in Gabrielle’s ear) regardless ofhow they feel about each other
(Gabrielle pats her mother in law on theshoulder. Mama Solis walks off into the house, leaving Gabrielle to think aboutthe awful time she’s going to have in the next few days with her here)
[INT – Barcliff Academy – Day]
(we see a folder with a posh crest onit. the folder is opened to reveal Preston’s application form for the school.(the twins’ birthday is the 27th February 1998). We see that Lynetteand Tom are at an interview for the school. The headmaster is looking throughthe file. He stops to give Lynette a distasteful look when she is tapping herhand on her bag. Lynette isn’t the only nervous one, as Tom nervously looksaround the room we see a selection of photographs of the headmaster on hisyacht.)
Tom: (re theboat) Wow. She’s a beauty. Is that a 30 footer?
Headmaster:(without looking up from the file) 32
Tom: Sweet.I sail. I’ve got a Flying Scot.
Headmaster:Well, we have several yachting enthusiasts here at Barcliff Academy. I’d behappy to introduce them to you
(Tom and Lynette take this as a good signand burst into smiles)
Lynette: Oh,that sounds great
Tom:Wonderful
Headmaster: IF we decide to enrol your children
(Smiles fade)
Headmaster: Tobe honest, Mr and Mrs Scavo, your children’s educational background is a bitmore common than we would prefer, but Mrs Van Der Kamp mentioned they wereidentical twins?
Lynette:Yes. Completely identical. You can’t tell them apart. They’re like bookends.
Headmaster: Wedo strive for diversity here at Barcliff. Identical twins could make for aninteresting addition
Lynette: Theboys are fascinating. They even have their own twin secret language, don’t theyTom?
Tom: Yeah,yeah. Its pretty scary
Lynette: Notreally scary, as highly developed
Tom: Yeah,they bark and growl at each other-
Lynette:Sorry, Tom, Mr Lenz was trying to say something. Mr Lenz?
Headmaster:I’d love to meet these twins of yours. I tell you what, I’m going to put themon our ‘must meet’ list
Tom: Terrific
Lynette:Thank you so much
(They are laugh and are really excited)
Lynette:What is a ‘must meet’ list?
Headmaster:We bring them in for observation
Lynette:Ooo-observation?
Headmaster: Uh-huh.To see how they play with the other children, how they respond to authority.That kind of thing
(Fake smiles plastered all around for Tomand Lynette)
Tom: Great
Lynette:That’s wonderful
[INT – Van Der Kamp House – Kitchen – Day]
(Bree is packing sandwiches for Andrewand Danielle’s trip)
Rex: Hey
Bree: Hi
Rex: Kidsready?
Bree:Almost. Thanks again for driving them to the bus
Rex: Happyto do it. I miss them
(They look at each other sadly)
Bree: Didyou hear there was a break in at Mrs Fome’s the other night?
Rex: Yeah. Iheard they didn’t take anything
(Rex pours himself a cup of coffee)
Bree: Wellthat doesn’t make it any less frightening. I mean, he could have been a sexualpredator
Rex: What?And he ended up at Mrs Fome’s? Boy, that would have been a lose-lose situation
Bree: Oh,Rex! That’s not the point
(Bree fixes Rex’s tie and jacket lapels)
Bree: Thepoint is I don’t feel safe here, and I was wondering if you would spend thenight
Rex: You’rein the NRA, you own like four guns! If somebody broke in I’d expect you toprotect me
Bree:(sighs) Rex, the truth is, with the kids gone I’ll be all by myself in thishouse for the first time in seventeen years
Rex: Honey,I know its hard to hear, but the marriage counselling may not work out. Youneed to get used to being alone
Bree: You’reright. That was hard to hear.
(She turns away from him. Rex reachesfor a sandwich, but Bree takes it off him)
Rex: Whatare you doing?
Bree: Thatis for the kids’ trip
Rex: Oh,come on! I’m staying in a motel! I haven’t had a decent meal in weeks
Bree: (witha sarcastic twist and fake smile on her face) Honey, the marriage counsellingmight not work out, you need to get used to bad cooking
(Rex almost smiles, knowing she got himgood)
[EXT – Wisteria Lane – Outside Mayer House– Day]
(Susan is watering her plants when a copcar pulls up behind her)
Officer Thompson: Hey
(Susan turns)
Officer Thompson: Screwdriver girl
(Susan laughs)
Officer Thompson: I just came by to tell you that I took your evidence into the lab forfingerprints
Susan: Oh,really? That’s great
Officer Thompson: So I’ll call you if I hear something
Susan: Okay
(Susan accidentally sets off thesprinkler she was using, wetting Officer Thompson)
Susan: Whoops,sorry
(they both laugh)
Officer Thompson: Actually, I’d like to call you anyway if that’s okay
Susan: Oh!Uh, you seem like a really sweet guy, in an interesting line of work. But I um(looks across the street to Mike’s house) I’m not really available
Officer Thompson: Oh (Crosses his arms) you have a boyfriend?
Susan: Yeah.Sort of
Officer Thompson: Sort of?
Susan: Itshard to explain. Even to myself
Voice (onOfficer Thompson’s radio): Just incoming, we have a 907A in progress at MapleStreet
Officer Thompson: (to the radio) 10-4 I’m on my way. (to Susan) I gotta go. Apparentlytheres a hostage situation (he’s not serious)
Susan: (playingalong) Oh wow
Officer Thompson: So you’re really turning me down? Boy, my self esteem can’t takethis
Susan: I’msorry
Officer Thompson: Oh, no. Its just that now my ability to help those hostages has beencompromised. Still don’t blame yourself for what might happen
Susan: (Smiling)Blame myself???
Officer Thompson: Yeah, its just hard to rescue folks when you don’t feel good aboutyourself. (waves his hand as if it doesn’t matter and walks away). Ah, they’llprobably all die anyway.
Susan: (Laughingout loud) okay, fine I’ll go out with you
Officer Thompson: Great. I’ll call you
Susan: Nowthat you’ve gotten your date, can you tell me what that really mean…that 907A
Officer Thompson: Someone’s TV was playing too loudly
Susan:(joking) Well thank god for the thin blue line!
Officer Thompson: I’ll call you
(he drives away, and Susan goes back towatering her plants. She squirts herself with the hose)
[INT – Solis House – Day]
(Carlos and his mother are talking toeach other in Spanish. Sorry, Mi nohablo español. Not a word of it – so I don’t know whatthey’re on about)
(Gabrielle comes downstairs)
Gabrielle:I’ll be outside doing my yoga
Carlos: (tohis mother) (something in Spanish). I’ll be right back
(Carlos goes after Gabrielle, who isrolling out her yoga mat on the porch)
Carlos: Doyou have to do that now? My mother is here
Gabrielle: (Handson hips, being stubborn) Hey! I’m not going to stop my life just because shedecides to show up. Unannounced I might add
Carlos: She’sfamily. She doesn’t need an invitation
Gabrielle:Yeah, well, whatever. Its rude
(Gabrielle reaches up to do her sunsalutations and closes her eyes, trying to focus. Carlos storms back inside. Hefinds his mother sitting down knitting)
Carlos: Itsreal pretty, Mama. You were always good with your hands
Mama Solis:So (some Spanish term of endearment), I assume you didn’t insist that I travel 2,000 miles for small talk. So why am I here?
(Carlos looks out the window at his wifedoing yoga. He thinks before he answers)
Carlos: Sheisn’t happy
Mama Solis:(encouragingly) mm-hmm
Carlos: I’vegiven her everything she ever wanted, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference.I fear we are drifting further and further away
(Carlos is getting more upset witheverything he admits to his mother. His head drops low for this last part)
Carlos: Andlately I’ve started thinking that maybe she could be
Mama Solis: Youthink she’s cheating on you.
(Carlos nods. His eyes tear)
Carlos: Ithink so
(He breaks down. Mama Solis looks at himand gets up as if she’s going to comfort her hurt child. But…Mama Solis slapshim across the face)
Mama Solis:We can talk about your problems. But I’m not going to have any of that. (someSpanish words)
Carlos:Sorry, mama
(Mama Solis sits down. She’s coming upwith a plan)
Mama Solis:Do you have any proof?
Carlos: No.No, its just a feeling.
Mama Solis:I had that feeling with your father and that whore waitress. And I was right.Always trust your feelings
Carlos: Sowhat do I do?
Mama Solis:You don’t do anything. I’ll take care of it
Carlos:Thank you, Mama
Mama Solis:I’m sorry I had to hit you. But we’re strong people, and we don’t cry aboutour problems
(she looks behind her out the window atGabrielle)
Mama Solis:We find ways to fix them
[EXT – Wisteria Lane – Day]
(Shots of groups of two peoplepatrolling Wisteria Lane)
Mary Alice Voiceover: Whilst the residents of Wisteria Lane kept up their patrols in aneffort to prevent future break ins, Lynette hatched a plan to break herchildren into Barcliff Academy
[INT – Scavo House – The Twin’s Bedroom –Day]
(the twins are fast asleep in bed, whentheir mom wakes them up)
Lynette:Boys? Wake up.
(she prods Preston to wake him, and thenpulls Porter by the ankles out from under the covers)
Lynette: You’regoing to have some fun today.
(sounds of complaint from the boys whojust want to go back to sleep)
Lynette: (toPreston) hey
Preston: hi
[EXT – Wisteria Lane – Outside Scavo House– Day]
(we see the twins are doing lots of starjumps. Next we see them racing down the street and Lynette rides past them on abike)
Lynette: (encouragingthem to run faster) c’mon! I got you beat!
(next we see the boys doing sprints,back and fore, touching the ground when the reach each end. Next they’redragging their mother along the ground on a sled as she shouts encouragement tothem to pull harder)
Lynette:Yes, yes, come on!
(next we see the boys digging in theScavo backyard. There are multiple shots, each with the boys a little furtherinto the hole. We see Lynette lying on a sun lounger reading and drinking icedtea as the boys complain)
Preston: Mom?We’re tired
Porter: Howmuch longer do we have to do this?
Lynette: Ican still see your heads. The pool’s not deep enough.
(the boys heads pop up over the edge ofthe hole. Once they realise they’re getting a pool they start digging againwith no complaints. Lynette smiles, she knew they’d fall for that trick)
[INT – Barcliff Academy – Day]
(it’s the twins’ meeting day. Theheadmaster and Lynette stand outside the room the boys are in watching them)
Headmaster: Areyour boys normally so docile?
(we see the boys. They’re both sittingquietly at a table. One of the boys’ eyes are drooping and the other’s head ispractically on the table)
Lynette:They’re always a little shy at first
(one of the twins gets hit on the headwith a ball. He doesn’t even move)
Lynette: Lookat that concentration. Porter loves his puzzles
Headmaster:Hmm
(Lynette smiles, pleased her plan worked)
[INT – Solis House – Day]
(Gabrielle’s mobile goes off. She pullsit out of her purse and reads the text message. It says ‘meet me at the motel’.Gabrielle looks back at her mother law and decides to leave)
Gabrielle:Mama, I’ll be right back. I’m going to the store
(Mama Solis looks at her as she leaves)
[EXT – Wisteria Lane – Outside Solis House–Day]
(Gabrielle puts her sunglasses on and isabout to leave, when Mama Solis runs after her – she’s not going to leave heralone)
Mama Solis: Gabrielle!I’m coming with you. I wanna make some tamales for Carlos
Gabrielle: Youknow, Juanita I’m not going to the supermarket. I’m going to the lingerie store
Mama Solis: GoodI need some bras
Gabrielle: Imay be a while. And I may get a facial
Mama Solis:I have a face
(Gabrielle gives up and lets her motherin law into the car)
[EXT – Wisteria Lane – Outside Delfinohouse – Day]
(Mike is moving boxes out of the back ofhis truck)
Susan: HeyMike
Mike: Hey,hows it going?
Susan: GoodI just came by to say hello
Mike:(joking) Hello
(Susan gives a little laugh, thenlaunches into why she really came over)
Susan: Youremember that cop from the neighbourhood watch meeting the other night? Heagreed to run a fingerprint check on the screwdriver I found at Mrs Fome’shouse.
Mike: Hedid? (he puts the box down) Nothing was taken
Susan: Stillsomebody broke in, it is a crime. So the weird thing is, the cop asked me out.On a date.
Mike: Oh?
Susan: And Isort of said…yes. I was sort of curious what you thought about that
(Mike looks confused and uncomfortable tobe talking about this. He goes back to working under the bonnet of his car, sohe doesn’t have to face her)
Mike: You’reasking my permission to go out with him?
Susan: No.no. I just uh, was wondering your opinion
Mike: Idon’t really have one
(Susan seems disappointed by this)
Susan: Okay.Great. Fine
Mike: Susan,wait. Wait. I’m sorry. My life its just ah, really complicated right now-
Susan: Youdon’t have to explain
(she walks away)
Mike: Susan!
Susan: (overher shoulder) Its complicated. I get it
(Mike is angry at himself. He throws hisrag down. He goes into the garage and moves the box again. Behind it we see arack of tools. One of his set of screwdrivers is missing.)
[INT – Young House – Living Room – Day]
(Bree knocks on the door)
Bree: Paul?
(The door is open, so she enters and seesZach sitting on the floor with his back to her, moving a scrubbing brushrepeatedly over the same spot)
Bree: Oh, hiZachery. I’m sorry. The door was open and…
Zach:(quietly, without turning around) Its okay. You can come in
Bree: Isyour father here? We were scheduled to do a patrol today
Zach: He hadto go out of town. Again
Bree: Oh.Um, I guess I can do it by myself
(she stops and looks around the room)
Bree: Wow,this place is just immaculate.
Zach: My momliked things clean
Bree: Zach,she would be very proud of you. (gasps when she sees what Zach is scrubbing at)what happened to your varnish?
Zach: Itswhere my mother died. They messed up the floor trying to get the blood out
Bree: Oh
(Bree can’t believe what she’s seeing)
Zach: I’lllet my dad know you stopped by.
(Bree is really heartbroken by what shesees)
Bree: Zach,do you have any plans for dinner?
[INT – Lingerie Store – Day]
(Gabrielle is wandering around thestore, not really shopping, looking at her watch. Mama Solis is behind her)
Mama Solis:So you shop a lot, huh?
(Gabrielle looks through a display ofknickers)
Gabrielle: Yeah.So?
Mama Solis:Most women that shop a lot, its because they don’t have anything better to do.
Gabrielle: Whatsyour point?
Mama Solis:Well, if you had children…
Gabrielle:(walks off) Here we go
Mama Solis: I’mjust saying that children give your life purpose. You get so busy taking careof them that you don’t have any time to wonder if you’re happy.
Gabrielle:You know, Juanita, this is so like you. I take you on a nice shopping trip andyou find ways to upset me
Mama Solis:Oh, you didn’t invite me. I invited myself
(Gabrielle looks at the time again)
Mama Solis: Youkeep looking at your watch. Is there someplace you have to be?
Gabrielle: (abit too loudly and forcefully) NO
(They get some strange looks off otherwomen shoppers)
Gabrielle:And for the record, I am not one of those women who has a hole in her heartthat can only be filled by a baby. I like my life. A lot. Its very fulfilling
(she slams a set of lingerie back on therack and storms off)
Mama Solis (toother shoppers who were watching the argument): Excuse my daughter in law,she’s very ‘fulfilled’
(They nod understandingly)
[EXT – Wisteria Lane – Outside Scavo House– Day]
(Lynette is refilling the hole the boysdug the previous day)
Lynette: Sohe just blew you off?
Susan: Itold him another man asked me out, it was the perfect opportunity for Mike tobe jealous. And nothing
Lynette: Well,did you bat your eyes? You know, it doesn’t work if you don’t bat your eyes
Susan:Honey, I batted everything that wasn’t nailed down. I’m telling you …nothing.
(Susan offers Lynette a bottle of water)
Lynette: Ohthanks.
Susan: Sowhat’s going on there? (points to the hole Lynette is filling in)
Lynette: Um(looks at her boys sleeping in two seats in the garden)….gophers
Susan: Wow
Lynette:Listen, I’m sorry about Mike. I know how much you like him
Susan: Aw,maybe its my fault. Maybe I just imagined an entire relationship with this manthat didn’t exist.
Lynette:There has been flirting
Susan: Yes,and the flirting made me think that he was kind and trustworthy and honest…andhygienic. That’s how it is with me. A guy just smiles at me and I’m picking outwedding china. I’m a mess
Lynette: Butto be fair, that is part of your charm
Susan:That’s what happened with Carl. I only dated him a couple of months. I filledin the blanks; I married him. It was a disaster!
Lynette: You think Mike is a Carl in disguise?
Susan: Idunno. What does that mean anyway? “My life is complicated”?
[EXT – Park – Day]
(we see a man’s shoes walking throughthe park. The shot pans up and we see its Mike. He’s walking towards a man(Noah) sat on a park bench, watching children play football (aka soccer to allthe Americans) )
Noah: If Iwanted to sit around and wait for nothing I could do it on the can. (looks athis watch). You’re late. Whats with the face?
Mike: Iscrewed up. I broke into the Fome house and almost got caught.
Noah: What’s‘almost’?
Mike: Iaccidentally left something behind with my prints on it
Noah: Don’tyou own a pair of gloves?
Mike: It’sthe suburbs. I didn’t think it would matter. Anyway, the police are running acheck, and I’m in the system. I’ve got to pull up sticks before they comelooking for me
Noah: That’sa sweet sound (re the noise of children playing) laughter like that, huh? Itpisses me off. If and when your cover is blown, you disappear. Until then, youkeep fixing the neighbourhood pipes
Mike: Themore time I spend in this town, the more I think we’re making a mistake. Theseare nice people
Noah: Mymoney says one of them isn’t
(A kid’s ball rolls up to where they aresitting. Noah stops the ball, and hands it back to the boy who comes to collectit. he’s all smiles, acting like a granddad helping his grandson)
Kid: Thanks
(As the kid runs back to his game, Noahturns back to Mike and his smile disappears)
Noah: Nomore screw ups
(He leaves, leaving Mike watching himgo)
[INT – Solis House – Living Room – Day]
(A south American TV show is on – a manand woman are sharing a kiss. We see Mama Solis is captivated by the show,whilst Gabrielle is watching her mother in law’s enthrallment with disbelief)
Gabrielle:I’m getting something to drink. Do you want something?
(Mama Solis shushes Gabrielle and wavesher out of the room. As Gabrielle leaves, she suddenly realises her mother inlaw won’t notice if she leaves to see John. A smile breaks out on her face asshe plans to see him)
(We see Gabrielle sneaking around theside of the house until she reaches a garage where John is working. John looksup as he hears Mrs Solis enter. He looks angry when he sees its her)
Gabrielle:Now don’t be mad
John: Iwaited at that motel for three hours for you. I had to use a month’s worth oflunch money to pay for that room
Gabrielle:Its not my fault. Juanita hasn’t let me out of her sight since she got here
John: Really?Well I don’t see her now
Gabrielle:She’s watching her Mexican soap opera. The reverend’s virgin daughter is aboutto be seduced by the escaped desperado. So until she puts out Juanita won’teven know that I’m gone.
(Gabrielle has been moving closer to Johnduring this. She runs her hand over his chest – but he moves away, still mad)
Gabrielle:Come on! I said I was sorry
John: Yeah.Just so you know, I’ve turned down half the pep squad for you
Gabrielle: (Laughs)You can’t be serious
John: Well,you know, I’m starting to think that maybe I should be with someone my own age
Gabrielle:But I thought teenage girls bored you, John? I thought what we had was beyondthat
John: So didI
Gabrielle:So why do you want to go back to something you don’t want?
John: Idon’t know
Gabrielle:Maybe you’re tired of me
John: No. Iwanna be with you
Gabrielle:So why are we arguing?
(Just as they’re about to kiss, there’sa voice calling from outside)
Mama Solis:(off screen) Gabrielle!
Gabrielle:Dammit! (looks at her watch. She’s confused) The virgin gave it up already?
John: I wantyou so bad. When can I see you again?
Gabrielle:Tomorrow. Meet me at the front entrance of the mall after school
John: Whatabout your mother in law?
Gabrielle:Don’t worry. I’ll think of something. (they kiss)
Mama Solis:(off screen) Gabrielle! Gabrielle!
Gabrielle: (screams)Coming!
[INT – Scavo House – Living Room – Night]
(Tom and Lynette are relaxing at the end ofthe day. Tom brings them drinks from the kitchen. They are sitting on the sofa)
Tom: Adonation? Now Barcliff wants a donation
Lynette:Apparently we’re in competition with one other family. A generous donation willensure our kids beat them out.
Tom: Howgenerous?
Lynette:(from behind her coffee mug) fifteen thousand
Tom: pff! Wedon’t have that!
Lynette: Andthat’s what I told them
Tom: So whatdo we do? Well, public school is out, unless we move to a new district
Lynette:We’re not moving
Tom: Maybeits time that we look into home schooling?
Lynette:(swallows the drink she just took) I know you did not just say that
Tom: Honey,its got its advantages. Kids who are home schooled do better in their lateryears
Lynette:(seriously) They won’t make it to their later years if I have to spend all daywith them.
Tom: Honey,sometimes you’ve just got to make the sacrifice. Its probably the best thingfor the kids
Lynette:(sarcastically) Why don’t we just put them back in me and cook them untilthey’re civilised?
Tom: You’dbe cool with that?
(They both laugh)
[INT – Van Der Kamp House – Dining Room –Night]
(Bree and Zach are sitting down fordinner)
Zach: I’venever had plum pudding before
Bree: I’mserving it this year for Christmas. I like to try out new recipes before theactual holiday. That way, if the cook book has gotten it wrong, I can fix it.
Zach: Youmust really like Christmas. You and Mr Van Der Kamp always have the bestdecorations on your lawn
Bree: Iadore the holidays. I never get depressed if theres a beautifully decoratedtree to look at
Zach: My momand I would always decorate our tree together
(Bree looks heartbroken for him)
Zach: ThisChristmas is going to be weird.
Bree: Oh,Zach. You know, my mother died when I was young. She was hit by a car
Zach: Oh!
Bree: It wasright before Christmas as a matter of fact. We were all singing carols and thedog was howling, because everyone in my family sings off key except for me.Anyway, it was just a terrible ruckus…so no-one noticed when my mother wentacross the street to give the neighbour their gift. The next thing we heardwere brakes screeching
Zach: Wow
Bree: Mostof my family went to the hospital, but I stayed home because I was so young.When I looked out the window I saw all my mother’s blood on the street andnobody was doing anything about it. So I got a hose and I washed it off. Andonce it was clean, I felt so much better.
(She shakes her head, to clear herthoughts)
Bree: I’venever told anyone that story before
Zach: Well,those are the most interesting ones…the stories that we never tell anyone
Bree: Yes,you’re probably right
Zach: I haveone. Its more of a secret really
(Bree leans forward, conspiratorially, really interested in what Zach’s aboutto say)
Bree: Ooooh
Zach: I knowwhy my mom killed herself
(This wasn’t what Bree was expecting tohear. She leans back, aghast)
Bree: Youdo?
Zach: It wassomething I did. Something bad
(they both lean back. Bree is totallyshocked, Zach realises he shouldn’t have told)
Bree: Whatdid you do??? Zach? Sweetheart?
(Zach grabs a hold of the full drinkingglass in front of him – he’s grabbing it really hard and Bree’s afraid he’llbreak it and hurt himself)
Zach: No!No, I’d better not. I shouldn’t have said anything. I shouldn’t have done this
(He gets up from his chair, and tries toleave. Bree tries to calm him down and stop him leaving)
Zach: If mydad found out..
Bree: Zach,calm down
Zach: No,please. I …
Bree: Zach,I won’t tell your father
Zach: Ican’t get you involved…
Bree:Zachery, its alright!
(She finally has to give up and watch himleave)
[EXT – Wisteria Lane – Outside Mayer House– Day]
(Susan, Gabrielle and Bree are inSusan’s garden. Susan is changing a light bulb in her lamp)
Susan: Ican’t believe Zach said that. What else did he tell you?
Bree: Nothing.That’s it. Just that Mary Alice killed herself because of something he had done
Susan: Youcouldn’t get any more out of him?
Bree: Oh, Itried. But he was so nervous he actually started shaking and then he just left
Gabrielle:Okay, this is getting really weird. I think we should go to the police
Bree: Andtell them what? We don’t even have the note anymore, we gave it to Paul
Susan: Thenyou’re going to have to get Zach to tell you something, so we have more to goon
Bree: Girlsyou don’t understand. This poor kid is scared out of his mind
Gabrielle:Oh, for gods sake Bree, you’re a woman. Manipulate him. Its what we do!
Bree: Buthow?
Gabrielle: Idon’t know. How do you usually manipulate Rex?
(Bree thinks for a second, then a hugesmile spreads over her face)
[EXT – Young House – Day]
(Zach answers his front door to findBree there)
Bree: HelloZachery. Are you free for dinner tonight?
Zach: Sure
Bree: Oh,good, because last night you put me in such a holiday mood, so I’m going tomake roast turkey and canned yams and egg nog. Have you ever had real oldfashioned egg nog?
Zach: No, Idon’t think so
Bree: Oh!You are going to love it! It has quite a kick
[INT – Scavo House – Living Room – Day]
(the boys are kicking a football aroundand diving all over the place playing. Lynette looks up from her book (“the funof home schooling”) to despair at the thought of 24 hours a day with herboisterous boys)
Lynette: Boys,could you stop?
(The boys don’t stop playing – just getnoisier. She gives up, throws the book down and leans back on the sofa. But sheleans against something stuffed down the side. She pulls it out – it’s a toyboat)
Preston: MOM!MOM! HE’S HITTING ME!
Porter: NoI’m not!
(Lynette just holds her head and looks atthe boat)
[INT – Shopping Mall – Day]
(Gabrielle is looking through racks ofclothes with her mother in law)
Mama Solis: Gabrielle, please! You’ve bought me enough things. You’rethe one that’s supposed to be shopping
Gabrielle:Oh, Mama, you’re in a rut! We need to spice up your wardrobe. (Spies somethingshe likes) Oooh, try this one on.
(Mama Solis doesn’t know what to do)
Gabrielle:Go on, try it on
[INT – Changing Rooms – Day]
(Gabrielle checks her make up in achanging room mirror)
Gabrielle: MamaSolis, how’re you doing in there?
Mama Solis: (outof breath) Is it supposed to be so tight?
Gabrielle:Yes, its form fitting. You’re going to look great
Mama Solis: Gabrielle,I don’t think this dress is right for me. I can’t breathe!
(Gabrielle spies a brightly coloured topwith security tags on it on a chair in the dressing room. She has an idea, shepicks up the top)
Gabrielle: Wellmaybe I made a mistake
(She bundles up the top and puts it inone of Mama Solis’ shopping bags)
Gabrielle:While you get changed I’m going to run to the book store
(Gabrielle grabs her purse and starts torun out of the changing room, desperate to get away from Juanita)
Mama Solis: (Stillin the cubicle struggling with the dress) Gabrielle! Wait! Wait, I’m comingwith you
Gabrielle: No,no, I’ll just be a minute
(Mama Solis finally gets the dress offand comes out of the cubicle, about to chase after Gabrielle. She stops whenshe realises she’s not dressed)
(Gabrielle is hurrying out of the store.We see Mama Solis, now dressed, flatten her hair, grab her bags and give chaseto her daughter in law)
(They’re now both running through thestore)
Mama Solis: Gabrielle!Wait!
(As Mama Solis leaves the store,attempting to catch Gabrielle, she sets off the security alarms.)
Shop Assistant: (stopping Mama Solis) Ma’am. Ma’am. I’m sorry I’m going to need tolook at your bags please
(Gabrielle smiles and keeps on walking)
Mama Solis:Alright. Just hurry up (she watches which direction Gabrielle goes in)
[EXT – Mall – Day]
(We see Gabrielle, very happy withherself, push open the doors and walk up to John who was waiting for heroutside)
John: Righton time
(They kiss)
[INT – Mall – Day]
(The shop assistant is holding up theblouse with the security tags on it that she found in Juanita’s bag)
Mama Solis:I’m telling you I don’t know where that blouse came from
Shop Assistant: Security! (there are two security guards standing near by)
Mama Solis:(pushes past the shop assistant) Alright! Keep your stupid blouse. I have tofind my daughter in law
(The two security guards stop her)
Mama Solis:Don’t touch me! (Pushes them away) Don’t you dare touch me!
(The security guards lift her up and dragher back into the store, kicking and screaming all the way)
Security Guard #1: Ma’am you’re going to have to come with us
Mama Solis: Getoff me! Gabrielle!
[INT – Van Der Kamp House – Kitchen – Day]
(Bree is preparing the feast for her andZach that night. The turkey is done and so are a number of other dishes. She’shumming Christmas carols. The phone rings)
Bree: Hello?
(The shot goes to split screen. One halfstays with Bree in the kitchen, the other half shows Rex who’s on the other endof the phone, in his motel room)
Rex: Hey,its me
Bree: Oh, hiRex. How are you? Is something wrong?
Rex: Well Iwas just about to grab dinner from the motel vending machines when it occurredto me, ‘what the heck. I’ll go out’. Would you like to have dinner with me?
(Bree looks around at everything she’scooked and her plans for the night)
Bree: uh….(we don’t hear her answer)
[EXT – Wisteria Lane – Outside Van Der KampHouse – Day]
(Bree is leaving her house, wearing darksunglasses. Zach is on his way over to meet her)
Zach: MrsVan Der Kamp, guess what…I found all of mom’s old Christmas stuff.
Bree: Oh,sweetie, I was just coming over to talk to you. I’m so sorry, but somethingreally important came up and I have to cancel
(Zach doesn’t look like he’s taking this bit of news very well)
Zach: Really?
Bree: Wewill do it again. (She reaches out to touch his face) We’ll have our impromptuholiday dinner, I promise. Bye
(She runs off to her car, leaving Zachstanding there)
[EXT – Dark Street – Night]
(We see a police car drive past an alley.We see that Susan and Officer Thompson are in the car.)
Susan: I’vegot one. Kelly Holstatter. In eighth grade she used to spit in my gym shoes.
(Officer Thompson enters the name on hiscomputer, and information about her comes up on the screen.
Officer Thompson: Kelly Holstatter. Here. Two DUI’s, one cheque kiting (???) and oneopen bench warrant.
Susan: Howtragic! By which I mean, ‘yay’
(they laugh)
Officer Thompson: Yeah, you’ve been a really good sport coming along on my shift withme
Susan: Welltime flies when you’re on a stakeout in crack town.
(they laugh again)
Susan: Sowhen does our official date begin?
Officer Thompson: (Looks at his watch) well, taxpayers say twenty minutes but I saynow.
(He closes his computer screen)
[INT – Scavo House – Kitchen - Night]
(Lynette is clearing up crumbs from thetable, the book is open on the table)
Tom: They’redown
Lynette: Oh,thank you
(They kiss)
Tom: (Seesthe book and is thrilled) Honey, you’ve been reading up on home schooling?
Lynette:Yeah. It gave me some good ideas. Well one anyway.
Tom: Great!What have you got?
Lynette:Well you know how we both agree that one of us needs to stay home and parentthe kids and one of us needs to go off and make a living. And then I suddenlyremembered, when I was working I made a little more than you
(Tom looks scared out of his mind, ashe’s figured out where this conversation is going)
Tom: Whatare you doing?
Lynette: Youtossed out that little ‘sacrifice’ comment a while ago and it occurred to me,I’ve made sacrifices over the past six years. I gave up my career! If anothersacrifice has to be made I think its your turn on the merry-go-round.
Tom:L-L-Lynette?
Lynette: Soif I went back to work, then you could stay home and take care of the kids
Tom: I can’tdo that. The kids all day? I’d loose my mind!
Lynette:Ah-ha!
(Lynette smiles, she’s proved her point)
Tom: Hey,hey. (puts his hands up) Okay, I get it. Home schooling is out (throws away thebook). So how are we going to scrape together fifteen grand for this endowment?
Lynette:(Faking it) Hmmm. How? (She wrings her hands and leans against the fireplace,where there are lots of pictures of the kids and of Tom on his boat).
Mary Alice Voiceover: Lynette was so desperate to avoid home schooling, that she saw noother options on the horizon until a solution sailed into view
(Lynette smiles at the pictures, thenlooks back at Tom)
Tom: Oh no
Lynette:Aye, aye
[EXT – Dark Street – Night]
(Officer Thompson is getting changed readyfor the beginning of his date with Susan. They boot of his car is open as hegets his clean shirt out)
Officer Thompson: So the restaurant is run by this little old guy named Arnello. Hewill propose to you. Don’t say yes, because he’s dead serious (laughs)
Susan: Butwhat if I like him?
(As officer Thompson pulls out his newshirt, she sees the screwdriver she gave him still in its plastic bag)
Susan: Hey,I thought this went to the lab?
(he realises he’s been caught out)
Officer Thompson: Alright. You got me.
Susan: Andthat means what?
Officer Thompson: Look, Susan, no one would authorise lab time or a computer searchfor a case like this. Its just not a priority.
Susan: Sowhy couldn’t you just tell me that?
Officer Thompson: Well, I thought we were clicking. Does this need to be a big deal?
Susan: Wellif you’d only lied to me about it once it wouldn’t be
Officer Thompson: Alright, I get it. You want me to beg. Okay, look at me (He goesdown on his knees) I’m begging. (He’s laughing, like its just a joke but Susandoesn’t see it that way). C’mon, don’t be such a girl about this
Susan: Iknow who you are. You’re a Carl in disguise. I’m done with you: all of you.
(She collects her b
